Oxford/Cambridge - current students support/chat thread 2022 - cont

[Panicmode1]

@petitebleu - so sorry to hear about your DS. I hope that some time out over Christmas may help to give him some space and time to think about his next steps.

DS1 was sent to Cambridge for a taster workshop by his college. He decided it wasn’t for him. I am expecting DS2 to feel exactly the same. I am reluctant to try to sell it to him but we’ll see what happens. His state sixth form has brilliant recent form for Oxbridge entrants too.

Sorry Torpids is 7th week - just remembered when I looked at my diary

Mill Road and Magdalene Street sound lovely for restaurants. I can see us taking a walk along the river. Thank you for the suggestions.

We had a lovely meal at The Senate House (recommended by someone on here, sorry, I can't remember who!) when we visited DS recently. It's dog friendly too if that's a consideration!

@yoyo1234 as DD is picky and lactose-intolerant, we often go to Efe's which is Turkish food and not overly expensive. It's on King Street and there is paid street parking outside if you are lucky. We also like Fitzbillies. As well as their famous Chelsea buns, they do a good light lunch.

Our trips to Cambridge usually follow a pattern of a visit to a museum, a random meander around, and some kind of cake (often from Fitzbillies). Sometimes we try to vary things a bit, but DS is very much a creature of habit.

Fitzwilliam definitely seems to get the thumbs up, I'm getting hungry thinking about cake now 😁. Thank you for these suggestions.

Opps Fitzbillies 😆

Delurking to say to WeatherWizard love your username.

I liked the walk to Fens Ditton YoYo. There are a couple of pubs there.

Fen Ditton. Apologies for rogue 's'.

Sixth, we found, was good for a 19th birthday family meal last Autumn.

Tbf my suggested walking route past the Italian restaurant on Magdalene Street then leads on a few yards over the bridge to Fitzbillies for pudding...

Are they likely to be strict on serving DS (not 18 ) ? To be fair he doesn't drink. I would like a walk along the river followed by a nice glass of wine! Will only be away from house 36 hours but this is my first holiday in over 5 years 😔. Planning get there afternoon day 1 drop off things in travellodge/premier Inn (wherever staying). Afternoon tea at Fitzbillies and walk around Cambridge/River maybe drink after. Dinner may look into Senate House or Italian. Following day is offer holder's day and after that train back up (will be very 🤫 as hopefully DS will do the talking!).

Cambridge: I like the Ivy for their gin and tonics. Staff there are exceptionally courteous. There's always been a queue outside Fitzbillies, so I've never been in. I usually get lunch from the Chinese food stall in the marketplace and eat at the table or standing up, which I don't mind because their dumplings are so good. I buy extra to take home.

St Michael's cafe is relatively cheap if you want a meal that has vegetables and a proper sit-down. Seating is plentiful and you can stay for a while without being rushed. The food used to be half price after 4pm. I think it's next to Caius. I can never find the St Michaels cafe if I look for it, so I have to pretend to myself that I'm not going there if I want to go in.

If you're on a budget, there is nothing wrong with going into Macdonald's either, if you just need to fill up and use the toilet. There's plenty of seating. I remember driving DD in over the Easter holiday in my cheapass car and eking out my cheeseburger and coke while she ate in historic surroundings, then driving her back at 1am so she could get up early to wipe old people's bums and pretend to be their daughter at work the next day.

I love the Fitzwilliam museum. It's always pretty empty and lots of seats so you can pause while your brain catches up with your eyes. The Archaeology musuem inside the Macdonald institute in Downing street is also good.

I have never been punting, but intend to rectify this.

My DS is really struggling, with work but also with the whole environment. He is in the third year now so not long to go but it is so tempting to just go and get him! I am afraid to say that my once confident, quirky boy (the reasons C wanted him) has really had the stuffing knocked out of him. Most students have far more money than him either from family or bursaries he has less because he comes form a normal background with two working parents. He is not at all happy and says that some days he barely speaks to anyone.

@Cliff1975 I just saw your message and wanted to offer sympathy for your DS. How awful for him and for you too, watching on the sidelines and feeling powerless to help.

Has he joined any structured activities/ societies and made any connections through those? Did he get to choose who to be nearby in his accommodation? I can't remember what subject he's studying, so am not sure of how much structured academic commitments he's got. Does he connect with people at supervisions or lectures etc but not have any contact with people outside of those times?

Like my DS1 and DS2, he'll have been in the Covid cohort where during the first year, there was very very little possibility of social contact with others and if, by coincidence, you didn't find yourself in the same 'household' as like-minded people, then that was it. has he lived in college for all three years?

My DCs have met a very wide variety for people from lots of different backgrounds in their time at O & C, probably far fewer people with money than just ordinary people. Nobody seems to know or be that interested in who's got what kind of background and it doesn't seem to make any difference. So it's possible that your DS just hasn't met enough people generally or maybe he goes to a college with a cohort who just happen to be either really rich or struggling on bursaries?

It's not too late for your DS to meet and connect with more people. DS2 for example, only at the end of last year, got more friendly with someone he'd barely known, through a shared activity (rowing) and some interesting conversations and DS1 just last week, had lunch with an acquaintance and a nice long walk with them too but hadn't really known them beforehand, except through a wider group of friends and acquaintances with a shared activity.

Sheer repetition of the same activity each week 'accidentally' can lead to friendships of different levels. Colleges are all different too of course. DS2 has a very friendly and sociable household this year, none of whom were actual friends beforehand but they've tended to do things like meals and pub trips together. DS1, by contrast, is in a corridor composed of a pre-established friendship group who keep to their group, usually don't speak English anyway but will say Hi in the kitchen and that's all. His friends have come from one person he'd already known in a higher year, at the start who then introduced him to their own friends and who are now DS1's friends.

Your DS won't be the only one who rarely speaks to others and possibly, especially the case with male students. Can your DS join some activities that put him regularly in contact with others in a way that at least gives him some social contact a few times a week? I think the main thing is that it's really still not too late for him to make connections or friendships with his peers, so i hope he doesn't give up. If he's feeling low, of course, it's harder to do so but that's why structured activities are so helpful.

I hope things improve for him soon.

Buckets of sympathy from me, @Cliff1975. My DS hasn’t had the easiest time with friendships after the awful covid 1st year. Now having moved down a year he’s fallen between two groups and isn’t massively connected with either. @mutterphore has great suggestions.

Is your DS now a finalist? If so I guess that the stress of looming finals doesn’t help with finding time for activities. Volunteering might be something to get involved with quickly? I’m not sure what opportunities are currently on offer but it might be an easy way to slot in to something and meet nice people.

Good luck to your DS and to you. It’s so stressful to see them struggle.

Sorry to hear this @Cliff1975 . It has been so difficult for many - I have some sympathy. DS is a 3rd year at O, spent most of the first year at home (could not be prised back after lockdown), was quite lonely in 2nd year (he's not that great socially anyway) and is only now just warming up in 3rd year. He has recently opened up about his lack of a social life and how Covid affected him. For quite a while he was set on leaving after his undergrad degree (he's on an integrated Masters) but has now decided to stay which I'm very pleased about.
Does you DS graduate this year or has he another year?

So sorry to hear what is happening to your DS Cliff. I think that's my worse fear as a parent is unhappy or ill children. I would want to scoop my DS up and bring him home .

@Cliff1975 - sorry to hear that he is feeling isolated, it's horrible knowing that your son or daughter is unhappy.

Thank you all of you. He attends chapel and is in the choir which he loves and also rows. He did more last year but doesn't have time for anything else. He has a partner in the same college who is a great support. This is his last year. College is lovely, but also lonely.

Yet another chiming in with a DS with similar experiences, @Cliff1975. My DS is also in his third year (at O), and had the same disrupted covid experience: he was a first year in 2019/20, so spent the last part of the year at home. His dad was diagnosed as terminally ill at the start of covid and died six months later, all of which DS was at home for. He then took a year out to recover, so when he went back for his second year, he was in a new cohort and has never really bonded with his new subject group. He's sadly never found the collegiate experience very congenial and tends to avoid organised events.

The saving grace for him has been a couple of creative societies, in which he has found like-minded people. His first tranche of friends have all now left, but he has finally hit his rhythm in terms of social contact and work. He has been enthusiastically texting me saying he finally feels happy at Oxford, and that he has been making new friends. So it has taken him all this time and I'm sure he is by no means the only one. Covid has made their experience so completely different from other generations.

I really hope your DS manages to find some people he likes - it only takes a couple to make the whole experience so much better. People join societies throughout the three years - if he can take that step it might make a big difference. But I know it's so hard for them to step out of their comfort zone.

I do know exactly what you mean about wanting to scoop him up and rescue him.

@Cliff1975 sending you sympathy and positive thoughts as you hold tight. The whole expectations our DC build up on socialising at uni can make the whole uni experience tough when reality doesn't match their pre formed image. Covid made all these challenges much much harder, dealt a hard deal.

@SchrodingersKitty your DS sounds like a superstar given all he has taken on board in the last three / four years

I also get what @beeswain saying about opening up about it, and sons perhaps find that harder than daughters? My DS found his first year tough - felt a fish out of water for various reasons and that combined by his "executive disfunction" meant he often missed the boat e.g. on events / organising his 2nd year flat share etc. So often he felt he is operating to one side of the actual activity. Present but not integrated if that makes any sense.

It is getting much better for my DS and he has a delightful post grad GF. That said DS didn't turn up for our family zoom yesterday and sounded v down today with a horrible sore throat / chest. Tried to get him to book a GP appointment but I'm not holding my breath. Going to make up a care package and post it but for him getting to his pigeon hole is more than he can manage most of the time. He picked up his advent calendar in late January! But says he is going tomorrow as his replacement bank card is arriving due to having lost his wallet...

Sometimes we have to hold onto the fact that we as mums are there for downloading to - expected to be an endless sponge for DCs' troubles and hopefully that helps them; even if we can't solve all woes they are eased... And always good if they are communicating ...

Cliff1975 I've just logged on an simply want to send sympathies. I really feel for all these DC almost as they are my own. I don't really share on MN but I've certainly seen the lows to match the highs. Warm regards, hold tight.

And what crap typing! I will share that I clearly can't make soup and type successfully at the same time. My youngest is also a third year at O. The very best of luck. This is a horrible time for finalists.