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Higher education

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Original poster

DS now doesn't want to go to Uni. What now?

63 replies

rusticnomad · 11/08/2022 18:16

Our DS has suddenly announced the week before A Level results day that he doesn't now want to go to Uni at all, but doesn't know what he does want to do. We've talked about local jobs, apprenticeships etc but his response to everything is idk, he's overwhelmed with having to make a decision when none of the alternatives appeal to him. (He never did any work experience (Covid) so he actually has no real experience of work, whilst we weren't able to view Uni's either, so isn't sure what that entails). He had several Uni offers & is quite bright (forecast AAB) so having him drifting along at home doing nothing isn't appealing. I still think Uni is best choice for him but don't want to pressure him into it. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Dontfuckingsaycheese · 11/08/2022 18:20

I’d say defer place and have a constructive gap year reconsidering and exploring various options.

LIZS · 11/08/2022 18:20

Wait until after results day. The waiting period can be such an anticlimax. Once he has results in hand he can think through the alternatives. Does his school/college offer any advice on the day?

LIZS · 11/08/2022 18:21

And he can hold his uni place until term starts then withdraw if needs be, so no massive rush to decide.

Reallybadidea · 11/08/2022 18:24

I agree that he should try and defer - it keeps his options open and doesn't commit him to anything.

Personally I would be telling him that whilst it's fine to not go to university (a half-hearted degree is a waste of time) that he must get a full time job ASAP. He's an adult and IMHO adults who are well enough to work must work once they leave education.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 11/08/2022 18:25

I agree with deferring a place and doing a gap year. I wasn't sure about uni so that's what I did. It meant I didn't feel like I had to make huge life changing decisions, I could just get a job for a year, and I still had my options open at the end of it.

TeaWithPaddington · 11/08/2022 18:26

My son is exactly the same. Has conditional offers to do civil engineering but recently announced that he didn't want to go to university. Bright boy and predicted similar grades to your boy. He has considered a career in the RAF but the role he was interested in has been ruled out as he is colour blind. He just seems to have no idea.
No work experience here either. Personally, I think he is too lazy to study anymore and think he would want to leave university so so do feel getting into the working world would be better for him if he got a good apprenticeship or something. He has mentioned a gap year as he can't decide but I just think this would be a year for him to doss around, which I don't want.

Mischance · 11/08/2022 18:27

There are apprenticeships and college courses that he could pursue - uni is not the only way - it is certainly the most costly way!!

EeeByeGummieBear · 11/08/2022 18:28

Would viewing university help? Lots of places have facilities to look round for those applying through clearing. Might help, even if it's jus to help consolidate his decision not to go.
And yes, as pp say, deferring is an option, as long as he has a plan as to what he is going to do I. That year.

LIZS · 11/08/2022 18:28

Deferral depends in subject and uni though. There is no obligation for them to agree and for some subjects, Maths for example, a gap year is usually discouraged.

SierraSapphire · 11/08/2022 18:31

My DD had a year out (actually a bit more than a year), as did a lot of her friends, they all got really solid work experience behind them, which I think puts them in a much better position than many of their peers who went straight to uni (DD worked in the NHS). They all had time to think more about what they wanted to do and are now off this year. Deferring the place would leave his original choice open too. I had a year out (because I was pushed by my DF to do the wrong course and dropped out) and it was one of the best years of my life.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 11/08/2022 18:34

He needs to go to visit some actual unis.

I do have some sympathy; it must be really hard to make a decision like this, given he has no work experience and hasn't been able to visit any unis. It must feel like leaping off a cliff into the dark.

Longdistance · 11/08/2022 18:35

Is he just having a slight panic that he’s having to move out and make new friends and feels overwhelmed by it all.
The wait for results is long enough and probably doesn’t help.
Has he not had a summer job to keep him ticking over?

passport123 · 11/08/2022 18:36

year off, in which he has to get a job for at least some of it. this decision doesn't need to be made now.

Frenchfancy · 11/08/2022 18:38

Look seriously into apprenticeships. My DD went to university, got her degree then decided it wasn't what she wanted to do. She got an apprenticeship as a refrigeration technician and is now fully qualified with a well paid job. Many of the people she went to uni with have still not found a permanent position.

She wishes she had done it at 18.

There are so many trades crying out for people and if he is clever he will go far.

titchy · 11/08/2022 18:41

Right now, just a vague 'oh ok then, well let's see what next week brings and we can sort something out after.'

Chances are it's a last minute wobble before results are out. If he still doesn't want to go when he's got his result, then have a proper conversation then.

Key thing is that he has many many options. Nothing is set in stone. He can go to university next year or in five years. No rush!

Ishacoco · 11/08/2022 18:50

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 11/08/2022 18:20

I’d say defer place and have a constructive gap year reconsidering and exploring various options.

This. It's a confusing time as they leave the security of school and everything they know in terms of study. Wait until results day and then start discussing a gap year. If I were you I'd be very clear that it's a job or study (have just gone through something similar with DD20).

caringcarer · 11/08/2022 18:55

My son did this many years ago. I told him fine, but he would need to get a job. He got a job as a driver's mate. Not what I had wanted for him but he stuck at it, which i was not sure he would. His employer paid to put him through class 2 driving. Then he did class 1 licence. He never had any student loan to repay and saved a deposit and has his own house with mortgage. He earns more than my dd who has business degree and Masters and she had to pay back her loans.

MeridianGrey · 11/08/2022 19:03

titchy · 11/08/2022 18:41

Right now, just a vague 'oh ok then, well let's see what next week brings and we can sort something out after.'

Chances are it's a last minute wobble before results are out. If he still doesn't want to go when he's got his result, then have a proper conversation then.

Key thing is that he has many many options. Nothing is set in stone. He can go to university next year or in five years. No rush!

This.
He may be worried he hasn’t done well and you will be disappointed. Brush it off until he has his results and then he will know where he stands.
Does he have a summer job?

amylou8 · 11/08/2022 19:14

It's very daunting, especially for this cohort of kids, their lives and education has been disrupted so much. Give him some space, he may well have a rethink once the pressure of results are over. If not try and defer for a year, with the clear expectation that he finds himself a job in that time, and you re-evaluate the uni situation next year. I had a drifter, which came as a bit of a shock as his brother was so focused. He had a couple of minimum wage jobs, grew up a bit, joined the navy and is doing great now.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 11/08/2022 19:20

Say as little as possible and give him some time to mull over the options.

If he’s saying he doesn’t know, he probably really doesn’t know. If you all get into the “he must line something up” mindset, it will just add pressure. Let him concentrate on his A levels and then, once his exams are over, have a bit of a meeting about his options.

There’s nothing to stop you gathering information in the meanwhile, and if the school is any good, they will have input too.

LouisRenault · 11/08/2022 19:21

He doesn't have to go to university if he really doesn't want to, but he must get a job, any job, while he thinks about what he does want to do long-term. Dossing around is not an option.

You might not want to charge him board if he might be returning to study, but he should be earning to pay his own expenses - phone, clothes, travel, entertainment etc.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 11/08/2022 19:23

Sorry, I meant results, not exams. Once you know his grades, you’ll know better what his options are.

Adversity · 11/08/2022 19:25

Tell him to get a job, any job and earn his keep. No navel gazing bollocks about what he wants to be. My DS has spent two years grafting night shifts moving freight at an airport. The money was really good and now he is about to start a degree apprenticeship after a competitive recruitment process.

Iheartmysmart · 11/08/2022 19:29

DS is only just going off to Uni this year after leaving college in 2020. He’s been working at various part time jobs over the last couple of years whilst deciding what to do. I think the whole Covid issue had really unsettled him and he needed time to think through his future.

KweenieBeanz · 11/08/2022 19:38

I bet he's trying to manage your expectations because he's worried about results day and things going wrong. I'd be upbeat, tell him to hold off making any decisions til after he knows his results, and also reassure him he has options, almost all unis use clearing these days and there are lots of uni places available this route if things haven't gone to plan. He's probably just a bit worried, this cohort have never taken formal exams.

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