Bristol or UCL - home or away?

[foodledoff]

DS hasn't yet decided on his firm choice and needs to do so this week but the need to make a decision is really stressing him out and he's disengaged from it all.

He has offers for an MSci Physics at both Bristol and UCL. The courses are pretty similar, but the UCL offer is 1 grade lower (AAA versus A*AA). He went to the offer holder day at Bristol and really liked it, but unfortunately the UCL day clashed with his first A level exam so did a 'virtual' day instead, which was, of course nothing like the 'real thing!'

He has an autism diagnosis (Aspergers, back in the day when it was still diagnosed) and suffers from anxiety, which has got significantly worse in the run up to A levels. We recently spoke (couldn't see...) the GP who was pretty dismissive along the lines of 'everyone is worried at the moment...' so no help there.

Ok, so here's the big thing. We live on the outskirts of London and UCL would involve living at home with an approx 1 hour commute. On the plus side, this seems the 'safe' option for someone suffering from anxiety. But it wouldn't help him develop his independence (he's quite clingy - offloads on me and DH alot, feels he needs to run everything he ever does (including planned revision for the day) past me before he does it), and there's the worry that he'll see his friends go away and feel he's missing out. I've just a feeling he'd come home for his tea and never go out, not join any societies etc - in short, not really moving on from where he is now.

And Bristol could be fun - in fact it could be the making of him - and it's still only a few hours away...When he does talk about University (which isn't often at the moment) it's always about going to Bristol, suggesting that deep down it's his preference?

Is anyone in a similar situation or have experience of this - which could be best - Bristol or UCL - home or away? Writing this down makes me think UCL is the 'sensible' option but is it? Thanks

He should register.

There are effectively two sorts of University support. The proactive type where a student seeks help, and a more passive type where people: tutors, hall wardens, senior residents, or even fellow students, are able to spot something is amiss and signpost someone who is struggling to suitable support.

Bristol has strengthened their central support, but at the price of cutting back hall wardens and local housing teams, which formed important parts of the passive support. They also wanted to get rid of senior residents, but students protested. They have agreed though to speak to concerned parents, as long as the student agrees. Not all courses provide personal tutors, and even if they do not all take their duties seriously. Non attendance is not always picked up on. A friend’s DD failed her January exams (STEM subject) in her first year, so had to see her tutor. The first time they had met. He had seen her name on the list, but since she had never turned up to anything he assumed it was an admin error. Luckily her absence was because she allowed freshers week to last a whole term rather than anything more worrying.

London Universities, with their high proportion of overseas students and the fact London is a hard place to live, often pride themselves on student support. It might be worth looking at what is on offer.

DS lived in halls in London his first year (and he then went on to share a flat with really nice friends until his fourth year, when he lived at home) and it worked well, in that I would take him out for a coffee or lunch if I was passing, or we would go to public lectures with him. He would also pop home to pick up Amazon parcels, usually on a Sunday lunchtime having make sure a Sunday roast was on offer. In total, given they were quick visits , we may not have seen him any more than had he been elsewhere coming home for a couple of weekends, but seeing him more often meant we had a better sense of his mood. Also, which may be important to those who like routine, he continued to go into the University library during Christmas and Easter holidays. Doing some work but also catching up with friends from overseas over a coffee who had stayed in London.

OP,

Not everyone has a good rapport with their personal tutor, but many do. The PT is another potential port in a storm, particularly for students with special needs. If your DS is leaning to Bristol I would check that he will have a PT. If he will not and he were my child I would consider this a dealbreaker.

At my uni the relationship works well on the whole. Maybe that influences my thinking

We live in outer London and 3 of our children chose Bristol (over Durham - they did not want a London university as they wanted the experience of living away and Bristol was fairly close compared with Durham).

It sounds like the son here wants Bristol. My children preferred their Stoke Bishop halls but it is the son here who will be choosing the town and halls. Obviously both the London one and Bristol are both good universities so he cannto go wrong either way but if he wants to start to be independent then being away in Bristol would be better. One of my sons commuted from home after first year (to Reading) and that was not really a university experience at all other than he got his degree - his choice, but meant no societies, not really many university friends - just going in for the lectures.

My son is similar and he's chosen our nearest university, which thankfully offers the perfect course for him, is a campus university (essential for him) and easy to get to.

He is commuting from home to start with a view to moving on campus when he's ready, I'm all for slow transitions. I'd be cautious of 'trying' halls with a view to returning home if it fails, because when it fails it can cause spectacular fall out. Far better IMHO to start from a position of maximum support and minimal change and incrementally add in new stuff once old stuff is no longer old stuff.

Xenia, plenty of London students manage a good University experience whilst living at home. It may not be true of Reading, especially for those who face a long commute, but in London not living in halls is pretty normal, with the social side supported by plenty of interesting and active societies.

In some ways it depends what OPs DS likes spending his time doing. Aside from drama, sport and SU politics, societies do not see as active in Bristol. Instead students use Bristol's vibrant city centre. Which would he prefer....a night out clubbing at the Lizard Lounge followed by a snack from JasonDonervan, or anime, gaming or relevant interest society followed by a group meal in Chinatown.

Bristol Uni has many, v active and varied societies. Had fun watching the Quidditch club playing a few weeks ago. And DD does circus skills, modern dance as well as many sports.There's also loads of arts clubs and things like Dungeons and Dragons and fantasy story writing.
And it has a fantastic city night life.
London is a fab city, it's been my home most of my life and I love the place. But it is not a great place to be poor. Bristol is pricey, but London becomes unaccessible without cash. Living at home will make that easier as long as travel costs aren't too high.
If money is no object then UCL is v good at student support. Definitely talk to them as they can set loads of things up before joining. As can Bristol. As do most Unis now thankfully.

OP, he/you definitely need to flag up his needs and ascertain what support he would be given (rather than having to access himself, which he may be reluctant to do) at both unis. My DD was at Bristol (finished MSc last year) and was horrified by the lack of support offered to students struggling with MH issues.

Also, he needs to be careful choosing halls - she loved her city centre halls in the first year, but it was party central, as students who like clubbing pick city centre. And when he writes his personal statement for halls choice, he should be very clear about what kind of halls experience he wants. Though they seem to mix quieter students with those that want to party regardless.

OP, I can't help your DC choose between Bristol and UCL, but UCL doesn't need to mean living at home. First year students are guaranteed a place in halls. We live in an outer London Borough, and my DC has firmed UCL, and applied for a hall place..If he hates it, then there is an opportunity to give a month's notice to move out at Christmas and come home. We have also discussed the idea of living at home in the second and final years, to save money compared to renting, but I won't stand in his way if he changes his mind and wants to house-share.

BigTillyMint is right about choosing accommodation carefully. DD is dyslexic and would have preferred the quiet accommodation option available in other Universities, but the only quiet option Bristol seemed to have was also single sex and seemed earmarked for international students or those from more conservative backgrounds. A pity. I am also not sure that city centre halls are more party central. DD was in Stoke Bishop for her first year and that also seemed to be party central with the disadvantage that as it was a bus ride away from the city centre there was little escape if you wanted some quiet time away from flatmates (to play quidditch perhaps). DD played sport but was one of only two in her flat of 12 who belonged to anything. I am glad to hear that mumsneedwine's DD is using the student union. A surprising number of Bristol students claim never to visit.

Our experience was that there was plenty for students to do in London which did not cost much. University societies, stuff that happens for free or cheaply (and there is lots of that all over London, like last minute theatre tickets, art exhibitions, music in pubs etc) stuff going on at other London Universities, cheap ethnic food. Yes, if the DS is into clubbing big time then it will be expensive, or likes take out coffees etc, but given so much of Central London is walkable or cyclable once you have your accommodation the rest should not be a problem. Having had one in Bristol and one in London we have not seen that much difference, indeed if anything Bristol was more because of things like the cost of University Sport....on top of fees and gym membership they had to buy full kit including blazer, the reliance on commercial rather than University venues, and the extra ordinary cost of local transport.

The two Universities are very different. Going to University is a big step and there are bound to be hiccups in the first year. UCL is the safer option. It is also worth thinking about which lifestyle might suit him more. DD had a year at Imperial and genuinely enjoyed the academic atmosphere, but noted, though it did not bother her, that some others were seriously ambitious and focussed.

Have been following and thinking about this thread. OP, my opinion is that UCL is the better option for your DS. You express the concern re UCL, "I've just a feeling he'd come home for his tea and never go out, not join any societies etc". If that's the case, I think there's a real concern that if your DS goes to Bristol, he will become a student who never leaves his room. If that phenomenon is happening at home, you are there to offer encouragement to your DS to get involved in activities and develop a social life, but at Bristol if your DS decides to spend all his time in his room, it's entirely possible that his flatmates will just leave him to it.

You mention that your DS wants en suite accommodation because he wants his own space. I am wondering how well he will cope with the reality of a shared student kitchen. I have probably spent too much time over the past year reading threads on the WIWIKAU Facebook group! But I have seen from that that the reaction of some anxious students to a messy kitchen is to stop going into the kitchen at all, meaning that they then stop eating properly.

TizerorFizz has mentioned that Bristol is a city where many first year students sign up for their second year house before Christmas. That sounds a pretty stressful situation for all students, as they are under pressure to form friendship groups quickly. That sounds like an extra layer of pressure that your DS could do without. I don't know whether Bristol allows some students to stay in university accommodation beyond the first year if they have a specific need due to disability etc. I guess the other alternative would be booking a room in private halls. But if your DS goes to UCL, he can avoid the need to have to make decisions about second year accommodation while still in his first term of his first year. Your posts indicate that your DS gets very anxious about making decisions, so I think that's an important point.

@Japanopen, very wise post

Not sure if you’ve seen these two threads OP about students with ASD and the type of difficulties they have experienced. Obviously not every autistic student will experience these difficulties but they do give a feel.

[]www.mumsnet.com/talk/higher_education/4559352-please-help-daughter-thinking-of-dropping-out-due-to-study-issues]]

www.mumsnet.com/talk/higher_education/4562791-advice-needed-on-how-to-change-university-after-the-first-year

There is some really wise, supportive advice on both. I’m hoping they might help?

Wasn’t it the physics department at Bristol that was recently found guilty in the disability discrimination case involving the poor student with anxiety who took her own life? Just a thought when weighing up the merits of both universities.

A lot of universities sail close to the wind on this. The university was fined but not a huge amount. I think parents need to think very carefully about Dc say they want and what reality is for them. Anxiety can be crippling and stops young people joining in. When parents are not around it can be hard to find out how dc are managing. It puts a lot of onus on flatmates who are very young themselves. There needs to be hand holding by adults at the universities and it’s very difficult to do this all the time.

He does not have to live at home for UCL. We live in Peckham and my son, at UCL, was in halls in the first year and this year has a flat in Camden with friends. There are loads of students at UCL whose parents live around London (Twickenham, Croydon, Epping, Barnet) and they all went into halls. My S1 has a job in the student's union to help pay rent. UCL was brilliant over the pandemic. Whilst Manchester Uni (my DS's first choice - wah!) was caging students in to stop them mixing, UCL gave everyone who tested positive £250 of Uber Eats vouchers. He has also had no trouble getting a dyslexia assessment for extra time and the uni is brilliant about extensions for late submissions. Price-wise the halls for both unis are very similar, so don't let proximity put you off.

Hi @foodledoff which university did your DS choose in the end?

I hope you don’t mind me adding my thoughts belatedly as the mother of an autistic DC who is currently looking at universities (she’s in Year 12). This is as much for anyone else reading. You got a lot of good advice but the absolute crux here has to be an understanding of autism, not just anxiety.

I know with my DD that having an expectation of what somewhere will be like is crucial. It means she can see whether she can see herself there, acclimatise and prepare by imagining being there. Conversely however, if the reality is very different from the expectation then that can causes stress and it can be very difficult to ‘transition’ to a change in expectations.

In your son’s case, he can imagine himself at Bristol and is v excited by that idea. I’d place huge stock by that. UCL may be brilliant for him BUT it’s going to be a very different experience than Bristol so one hell have to mentally transition to accepting. If his idea of going to university is being at Bristol, thus transition may be very difficult, no matter how good UCL.

If he has chosen UCL then it’s imperative IMO that he has a look round in person before going in order to change the image and expectation in his head.

Adding 2 points where I disagree with PP:

Firstly, I don’t agree that just because there’s a risk your son would come home for his tea and stay in his room, the same is v likely to happen at Bristol. This is because your home is his safe place to an extent his room in halls will never be. The transition from leaving his childhood house to go and do something studenty and the transition from leaving his student ro to do something studenty is different. The latter is less of a transition into ‘university student mode’.

Secondly, whilst it’s v useful to know what support students with dyslexia and/or anxiety received as a general indicator of support, remember that the key here is autism. An autistic student needs and is entitled to more support. Getting an autism mentor through DLA - which he absolutely should do no matter which uni he’s at - will give him that extra crucial layer of adult support and check-in. They can advocate for the student with their lecturers. A lot of universities are really good at supporting autistic students these days and you want to ensure he gets autism-specific support.

DS went to UCL and loved it. Still lives in London 8 years later. DD visited Bristol and hated it.

We live just outside the M25 and the only times we saw DS was when he was playing football at our local university (and Christmas).

DD visited Bristol and loved it. Works in London. Not sure what any of this proves!

Thanks for all your replies. DS decided to firm Bristol and insure UCL. He's happy with this decision and so therefore I am too. I know Bristol is not universally liked on MN, but he liked really liked the city/department/course when he visited and our encounters with disability services have been positive so far.

The next challenge is getting in. Although 2 of his subjects went well, the other 2 did not so there's a chance he might not make the grade. Fingers crossed...

@foodledoff my DD loves Bristol. Fab Uni, fab city and she is always busy. He'll love it I'm sure.

That’s great your son firmed Bristol, OP. I hope he has a wonderful time there.

My 3 Bristol ones loved it (and have friends who loved London too).

I hope he gets the grades and I'm glad he has now made his firmed choice.

Xenia, but that's not what Crafty Gin was saying. DD likes Bristol well enough, but has no real wish to stay on, and her friends, medic and non, don't seem to be making efforts to find jobs/training there.

A small sample but many of DS' London University friends, wherever they came from, were pretty determined to stay in London. DD's friends who studied in London are similar, and indeed a surprising number of my old LSE friends never managed to leave central London. I think what Crafty Gin was saying was that her DC enjoyed the City sufficiently to stay beyond University.

Am I missing something, because I don’t see how Xenia’s post misinterprets or contradicts CraftyGin’s in any way?

I read Xenia’s post as simply letting the OP know that her DC enjoyed the university that the OP’s son has just firmed. Nice and supportive!