Bristol or UCL - home or away?

[foodledoff]

DS hasn't yet decided on his firm choice and needs to do so this week but the need to make a decision is really stressing him out and he's disengaged from it all.

He has offers for an MSci Physics at both Bristol and UCL. The courses are pretty similar, but the UCL offer is 1 grade lower (AAA versus A*AA). He went to the offer holder day at Bristol and really liked it, but unfortunately the UCL day clashed with his first A level exam so did a 'virtual' day instead, which was, of course nothing like the 'real thing!'

He has an autism diagnosis (Aspergers, back in the day when it was still diagnosed) and suffers from anxiety, which has got significantly worse in the run up to A levels. We recently spoke (couldn't see...) the GP who was pretty dismissive along the lines of 'everyone is worried at the moment...' so no help there.

Ok, so here's the big thing. We live on the outskirts of London and UCL would involve living at home with an approx 1 hour commute. On the plus side, this seems the 'safe' option for someone suffering from anxiety. But it wouldn't help him develop his independence (he's quite clingy - offloads on me and DH alot, feels he needs to run everything he ever does (including planned revision for the day) past me before he does it), and there's the worry that he'll see his friends go away and feel he's missing out. I've just a feeling he'd come home for his tea and never go out, not join any societies etc - in short, not really moving on from where he is now.

And Bristol could be fun - in fact it could be the making of him - and it's still only a few hours away...When he does talk about University (which isn't often at the moment) it's always about going to Bristol, suggesting that deep down it's his preference?

Is anyone in a similar situation or have experience of this - which could be best - Bristol or UCL - home or away? Writing this down makes me think UCL is the 'sensible' option but is it? Thanks

No experience, but my thoughts on reading your post were to wonder how long the journey from Bristol to your home would be door to door by public transport. Would your DS be able to come home every weekend if he wanted to? I am thinking that the ability to come home every weekend could be a useful safety net if your DS finds living away from home a challenge.

@foodledoff
I think your ideas of what Bristol will do for him is a bit wide of the mark. He’s not going there to become a different person. I don’t think this is really possible. He’s looking at Bristol as an ideal to aim for. Move away, be self sufficient and be like everyone else. Yet he’s not like everyone else. He’s not engaged and runs everything past you. Are you really thinking he will manage in Bristol? What if he becomes anxious? I also wouldn’t say comIng home every weekend should be something to aim for either. It’s going to separate him from friends. So that might not be the best scenario for getting housing sorted out for y2. In Bristol that happens in January or before!

UCL is the safe option in my view. People will come on snd say Bristol doesn’t look after students well but they are much improved. However is DS likely to improve and thrive when away from home? Realistically, universities cannot be the eyes and ears to replace you.

Lots of DC miss offer days. I think you probably have to let him decide and make it work the best you can but be realistic about how much help he needs and whether Bristol is too remote from you.

TizerorFizz I get what you’re saying and sort of agree with your points.

However it’s not like he isn’t anxious now. He’ll be stressed by UCL. He may as well be anxious about something most people would find quite unsettling, like moving away to Uni.
From what I’ve seen of friends with anxious children at Uni they did still remain anxious throughout but still found friends /partners, had some wild nights and passed the course. There were lots and lots of phone calls and text messages but they still enjoyed the experience for what it was.

@lightisnotwhite
Well yes but you won’t be handy if you need to be. I’m all for going away but I’m not sure it’s always best if DC have greater needs. It’s for you and him to judge though. He might just need to decide and then has the summer to prepare.

My DD went to Bristol but I can see UCL has advantages. She was very confident though!

I have no experience of these two unis but do have an 18yo DS with AS who will be going to uni in Sept. He also runs everything past me all the time. Has your DS applied for DSA (disabled students allowance) from Student Finance? If not he should do that now whichever uni he decides, this will provide study support in the form of computer equipment and specialist mentoring. The other thing we are doing is applying for a social care assessment from adult social services in case he needs support from a carer for living needs. I know not all young people want to engage with these processes though. He also gave permission for me to speak to unis on his behalf through UCAS and I contacted the learning support departments of all his choices to see what they could offer.

Mine also has had to choose between a local (commutable) uni and one further away, however the courses were not the same and the further away one is much more suitable, more vocational and a lot more contact time. So he has chosen that one. But to be honest, if the local uni had offered an equivalent course he would definitely have opted for that one. Could he go and look round UCL this week, even if he can't go inside? I suspect there will be a lot of fellow students living at home there compared to Bristol.

I would always go for the local option if their are any additional needs or health issues. Or failing that, somewhere close enough to come home every weekend if necessary. Weekends can be lonely, socialising happens during the week.

I’m always banging on about how it’s only in England that it’s the norm to go to the other end of the country for uni. Although mine all did! But the one who would have had the most anxiety chose a campus uni in a small city which suited him better.

there

You won't know until you try it of course but from experience my DS, who sounds very similar to yours, tried the move away because it was what he wanted (and he really did try) but is now back home (similar location to you) and reapplied to a central London uni. There were other factors involved, including the course, but the anxiety became so bad he basically couldn't function properly which was very scary. This was with supposed support which was basically non-existent. It does depend on the university and I have no experience of Bristol personally but if I had my time again (ha ha) I would say close to home with option to move out if and when they feel comfortable. We want the same as everyone else for our DC but they aren't always the same and, as I have learned, you have to accept it and make adjustments. UCL is a brilliant university btw. I have personal experience of it. My DS applied there and was rejected but it would have been his first choice. Good luck to your DS .

I agree with decorate, in my "home country" many students go home over the weekend and not considered hampering becoming "independent" at all.

Not those two universities, but a friend’s child really struggled away from home and couldn’t manage. They ended up failing a year and had to retake it, even though super-super bright. Then came home to work remotely for the rest of the course (Covid) but even then still needed a lot of support.

UCL is a great university - lots of support for students in various forms. I commuted from home and it really wasn't an issue. Good luck to you and your son.

DS went to Bristol and they were supportive when he was diagnosed with anxiety whilst there. The journey home to London isn't too bad by train/coach.

is the 1 hour commute to UCL 1 hour each way or there and back?

Can he not live in halls at UCL? Wouldn’t that be the best of all worlds given that he could have the full university experience but with the possibility to get home or for you to visit, within an hour?

2 of my brothers had issues with anxiety/ASD. The older one was very academic so went to Oxbridge, but came home most weekends, didn’t really make friends, was pretty anxious all the way through and I’d say it didn’t really help in the long run. He moved out of home in his late 20s but has always been very reliant on my parents and is still not great at making friends in his 40s and is single. The other stayed at home, which gave him the confidence to make new friends in a different area of his life (joined a new church on his own). He eventually (just after graduating) moved out locally with one of these friends and his confidence and independence grew slowly. He’s now married with a family. I think it’s best to stay at home and build independence one thing at a time, rather than forcing the issue and risking him sinking and losing even more confidence.

I would say UCL with halls in the first year. This gives the chance to make friends and to gain some independence. Many London based students will live at home after that, but by then he will hopefully have made friends either through halls, course or societies. The Student Union and Societies seem far more active at London Universities and the campus more active in evenings. Ie he can have just as good a student life in London as Bristol. And potentially save money on accommodation in his second and third years.

Worse case is that he remains isolated in his first year. In which he is better off in London. Tizer suggests that student welfare has improved a lot in recent years. I am not sure if this is the case. Stoke Bishop, where most students live is quite isolated and if you don't hit it off with your flatmates, you can end up very alone. And though the train from Bristol is fast, it is also surprisingly expensive. Bus from SB to the City Centre and then a coach to London and then on is quite a long journey.

There is a lot of evidence that Bristol has improved its student services. No student in any hall of residence is alone. Stoke Bishop
is no more lonely then city centre halls. It’s a pretty big student village. Sometimes a city feels lonely without friends. The size of the hall might be more of a deciding factor.

I would also not advocate going home every weekend from Bristol. This really is when friendships are formed. If DC just stay in the week they don’t fully participate. Yes, we do think DC should go away to uni here but it’s been done for a long time . Many people don’t live near a good commutable university.

Travelling off peak is still the best bet (all tickets have gone up) but of course it’s further to get from Bristol to London. I too would suggest a hall at UCL. I do know students who have commuted to uni and felt they missed out on making friends. They always had an eye on getting home.

Thanks everyone - this is so helpful. Looks like UCL just about has the edge but Bristol isn't out of the question either - which makes the decision even harder. He's not planning on coming home at weekends - if he goes to Bristol he plans to stay there. We've discussed the possibility of living in UCL halls for the first year but he worries about cost - he wants en suite (is worried about prospect of sharing shower etc with strangers and wants own 'space'), and whilst this is (just about!) affordable at Bristol it wouldn't be at UCL. If he opts for Bristol he'll be focusing on Clifton halls/those local to campus rather than Stoke Bishop, though realise he might not get any of his preferences. We've discussed the possibility of DSA but DS is reluctant as doesn't consider himself 'disabled' - will have another go. Will also try to speak to Disability support at both Bristol and UCL on Monday - he hasn't declared anything yet and we need to find out what evidence is needed given the doctor wasn't helpful recently. So much to think about!!

I'm not sure but I think it was DSA at Bristol that got DS extra time plus breaks in his exams due to his anxiety so it's worth doing.

I would strongly recommend DSA and declaring his disability to the student disability office or whatever it’s called at Bristol and UCL. DSA can lead to access to specialist adademic mentor and specialist emotional support/counsellor.

Being at university can be really demanding for autistic students. It’s hard for anyone making the jump from school to uni but the extra social and practical demands (laundry, food, commuting) are exhausting and they don’t give those degrees away so there’s a lot to juggle and manage on top of navigating group work etc.

I know you know this which is why you are thinking so carefully about Bristol or London but he won’t know yet what’s going to be most tricky so it’s better to have support agreed in advance, some of which he may never use, than be scrabbling around when things get tough,

Yes I agree. Get the DSA sorted out now. You don't want to be trying to do it all once he's started and if he is finding life tricky.

DSA is amazingly easy compared to for example getting an EHCP or PIP. IT provides a lot of study support, but things like access arrangements for exams are up to the university so it’s important to contact them too. However it is tricky if the young person doesn’t want to engage.

OP. Did he not shower after sport? This can easily be done privately.

Don’t forget the maximum loan is about £3,000 a year more in London than Bristol for those not living at home. My son’s at UCL at the moment and lived in halls in his first year. He had a non ensuite single room and the accommodation was arranged in flats of 10/11 students with 3 or 4 showers. The showers were individual units not in a block, no one else is in the room. Probably best to talk to the accommodation office and see what they could offer.

I read on here the other day that someone got a DSA allowance which covered the difference between a standard and en suite room. So it is definitely worth applying because he won’t currently have any idea of the support available via that route.

Re Bristol vs UCL - I would probably suggest UCL with halls, if financially
possible. As Needmoresleep says above, it could only be for the first year, so overall cheaper than Bristol halls and private housing. My youngest dd (who has an invisible physical disability) went away last autumn to a small campus uni a long way from home that she thought she was going to love - only online open days, but we did manage to visit between results day and term starting. She hated it, had a couple of awful flatmates, and felt so trapped there because it was so far away. She left in January, is home atm, and going to our local uni this autumn - she will live in halls. She had initially discounted it as too close to home, but having had another look this year, she really likes the course there and prefers it to any other easily accessible universities. Hopefully we won’t see her from one week to the next, but if she does need a break she can just pop home for dinner etc, and I think that will provide a really reassuring safety net for her.

There is of course the issue of the grades! Is he confident about getting an A star? How flexible would Bristol be? Would he rather take the UCL offer and have less pressure?

I have sat on a number of Mitigating Circumstances Committees and as you can imagine, neurodiverse students submit a greater than average share of petitions. Based on that experience, my thinking is that ‘one step at a time’ is the safest process for most ND students, and that would mean UCL. I love the idea from @Needmoresleep of attempting halls life the first year, in an experimental spirit, but recognise that it might not be possible.

I am really writing to urge your DS very strongly to consider registering with the Office for Students with Disabilities, whatever it may be called, assuming his diagnosis warrants this. The OSD is separate from the DSA.

I see that he doesn’t consider himself disabled, but you have said that he experiences anxiety. The anxiety experienced by ND students typically skyrockets as they move from high school to university.

The OSD is a port in a storm. Any special measures provided on the basis of a student’s diagnosis merely level the playing field. Not to take advantage of them is to handicap yourself? Why would you do that in such a competitive environment as Bristol or UCL? (My perspective is that of an upper Russell Group Physics adjacent academic.) The support provided by the DSO is too often the difference between success and failure.