Oxford / Cambridge - current students support / chat thread 2022

[DadDadDad]

Continuing a thread for anyone who wants to talk about their sons' and daughters' experience being a student in Oxford or Cambridge. (Or nephews, granddaughters, sisters, uncles - or if you or they have now graduated but you want to share your thoughts - all are welcome!)

Some of us on this thread go back to I think to late 2019 when our DCs were going through the admission process. A lot's happened since!

Over to you...

Looking forward to seeing DS on his birthday this weekend for a first time meet up this term as he has managed to fit us in. Booked at Six for five at one (couldn't resist).
His enthusiasm for his course is very cheering as he clearly loves mathematics and can't stop rabbiting on about it; much as he did in his mid-teens, both endearing and tiring by turns. We understand that he also gets on well with his supervisors.
We try not to be too curious about his new amie. All in good time we suppose.

@petitebleu and @Cliff1975 - sorry to hear that your sons are struggling. Can I say a big 'thank you' to you both for being honest about it. DS has struggled a bit as well and it's a comfort (in a slightly weird way) to know that he's not the one. I'm sure there will be others reading these posts who feel the same.

@Cliff1975 Remember that his final grade is not based on his essays, so if he has at least written a plan and attended his supo, it's actually pretty good.

DD1 is a very slow reader and really struggles to get her essays done on time, if at all, but remembers and assimilates everything she reads and hears, so does well in exams. It may be that your son is similar, so provided he's keeping up with the skills and knowledge, he'll still get another 2:1. She often only submits a plan. This year she's trying to get more essays done, so sets a timer, types away and then stops when it goes off.

I honestly would encourage him to continue with his leisure activities. He's at Cambridge and he's chosen the best it has to offer in terms of extra curricular. Your son seems to have met a lot of the types DD1 has met: assholes!

CJB makes a really good point. It's all about the exams at Oxford. It took DD a couple of terms to figure this out and adjust the amount of time spent on weekly essays compared with lecture notes and lab wok.

DD has just completed her first month of grad job and is missing her old Oxford life terribly. Her company requested that she relocate to Cambridge which she duly did but most of her team are still working remotely and she is very lonely. We are going to visit her this weekend and attend a formal at DS's college. He is in his third year but this is the first opportunity to attend a college event (for his cohort) since the pandemic. We tend not to hear from him during term time but he messaged to say he is struggling with an aspect of his dissertation this week so hopefully we can provide some parental support when we see him.

Thank you CinnamonJellyBeans your post has really cheered me up. Yes he has met some really wonderful people but also some real idiots - soon to be seen in cabinet?!?!

DD has just completed her first month of grad job and is missing her old Oxford life terribly. Her company requested that she relocate to Cambridge which she duly did but most of her team are still working remotely and she is very lonely.

Some of the Cambridge uni societies are open to 'outside' members, it might be worth her checking out the websites of anything she's interested in.

Cliff1975 I would think that there's a high chance, if your DS did give up either rowing or singing, that his struggling would expand to fill the gap created. That could well lead to the opposite outcome of the one you'd like for him.

ofteninaspin, sorry to hear about your DD. It can be a tough transition, especially for those who don't go seamlessly forward to London where so many of their peers re-group. Working remotely may be great for those with childcare responsibilities or are in an established relationship but for so many young people it's been horrendous. Is this arrangement likely to continue at your DD's current place of work? In extremis, if the company is wedded to remote working, I might nudge mine in the direction of moving jobs. At least she's not confined by Covid restrictions out of hours - excellent suggestion by Errol. I hadn't realised that was the case.

Ballroom dance is one that is town / gown, for example, and very sociable.

proggymat I have a classicist too. Info not very forthcoming but seems busy and to be happy but I worry that he wouldn’t tell me otherwise. Visited in half term and had a look around at faculty building, his college, Tesco’s with an escalator on George Street and Cowley Road which seem to be the main locations in his world!

@petitebleu hopefully his little steps will increase and in turn he’ll branch out socially- it’s a huge adjustment for them.
@Takox DD is good at updates- often in the early hours of the morning after clubbing 🙄
She rants about the prices in Tesco Express!
I’m hoping to have a better look around when I drop her off next term as I only got to see bits of her college and her room at drop off this term.

the Tescos escalator (Tescalator) has its own Facebook page. 🤣

D1 is obsessed with the recently reopened Cowley Rd Tescos.
Living out last year in a house between Cowley and Iffley roads she did all her shopping at the weird Sainsburys (odd selection of stock) until the magical day that Tescos opened. She and her housemate spent over an hour in there, gasping over eg clementine juice😂

Had a long chat on the phone yesterday, she's got a cold and headache she can't shake off, same happened last term with tonsillitis - she ended up being referred to the JR. I'm sure it's stress related due to the pressure of essay deadlines, dissertation etc.
She's still going to choir but hasn't been able to go swimming (forbidden after a navel piercing!) which I think would help.
I've suggested Indian head massage, it should be relaxing if nothing else.

@ofteninaspin , just to second what @ErrolTheDragon was saying about Cambridge Uni societies having outside members, DS1 (C) says that many of the college choirs - including his - allow non-uni members to join and he got quite friendly last year with someone in that position in his choir. So if your DD is musical, that's another possibility.

@beeswain - well done to your DS on securing a third year internship. He's doing very well and I hope you enjoy your catch-up with him next week.

@ProggyMat and @Letsgoforaskip , nice to hear your respective DD and your DS have settled in so well. It's not easy being a fresher, what with the social aspects as well as the academic ones and also being away from home and family.

@HoneyMobster I can't even begin to imagine how busy your DD must be as an Oxford medic! Really great that she's getting such good academic feedback, despite all the pressure. Hope your DS is enjoying this year too, even if he's struggled a bit in the past. I don't think anyone just sails through their time at Oxbridge without floundering at some point.

@petitebleu , sorry your DS is still having a tough time of it. He might just need more time to get used to the work/life balance thing and it's still really early days.

@Cliff1975 your DS has done fantastically well to keep going and also to get a 2:1 in his second year. I agree with @goodbyestranger and @CinnamonJellyBeans that keeping up his extracurricular activities is great, as there's so much more to life and Oxbridge than just work. Does your DS have a diagnosis of ADD? I can't remember if that was the case but the whole thing about struggling to start writing an essay, after hours of preparation and missing some deadlines, sounds exactly like this and I hope he's getting help from the DRC, like one to one support/ mentoring etc?

@JulesJules I hope your DD is feeling better soon and can enjoy some of that Clementine juice from the newly opened Tesco at last! DS1 had a nasty bug a few weeks ago and was wiped out for a whole week but he's bounced back again now.

DS1(C) and DS2(O) have both been getting up very early 'enjoying' pre-dawn rowing outings recently, although DS1 is very much a beginner compared to DS2, who captains his boat and trains the novices. Their choirs also take up time but they're really enjoying the Christmas music and also practising for Remembrance Day services. I'll be seeing them both on 'neutral territory' in London at the weekend.

I've long given up being invited to their colleges, formals, concerts, rowing races etc and they still like to keep their university lives separate to me - sob! Am I really that embarrassing? DS2 and I were however allowed to attend (discretely) DS1's choir concert during the summer vac, as he was doing a tiny solo part and I think they'll also expect me to be at their graduations too - presuming they manage to graduate.

I do think that even a process of exploring a possible course/university change, going to visit another uni or make a phone call to a tutor, could be encouraging and help people to feel there are other options, even if in the end it works out to stay where they are.

I remember someone changing to Manchester in my first year at C. I remember thinking how intelligent she was - she took me apart at an academic gathering - but she just hated the environment.

My brother nearly left O after his first term, I think he had a place at Leeds. In the end he gave it another term and once he stopped having to do one particular area of his subject, things picked up a lot. He also discovered a particular society and suddenly found he was enjoying his social life. He is almost certainly ND which made the start harder for him.

@Takox @Scrobbler last year my DC1 did his Yr 1 Geography course work on the Tescalator - they had to do fieldwork about retail in Oxford and he chose to research the Tescalator. it is such a phenomena - lots of people take their parents there, first dates there, you can get regular updates as to whether it is working or not. Over 4000 people like the Facebook page.
One of the Professors liked it so much DC was asked to extend it for his dissertation from a feminist perspective (eye roll from DC) he had chose it as a joke...

@Cliff1975 my DC (Yr 2 O) has been assessed as high on the ADD scale - now awaiting clinic referral appointment. They can take ages to do essays, does put in the hours but complains it is hard to focus and get through reading list. Their view is that having quite a few extra curricular activities is helpful as it structures the day and breaks down library time into chunks so I'd agree with others about keeping up with rowing and choir.

But.... despite not appearing to work they'd clearly absorbed something as managed solid 2.1 in prelims despite losing several % by being 20 mins late uploading course work - last minute.com is an understatement.

@Cliff1975 I should have added I'm not at all suggesting your DC has ADD - more a response to @mutterphore comment to you giving our experience with DC struggling with their academic work

Sympathies to those whose DC are struggling. Sorry I don't have words of wisdom to impart, but I hated my first term at uni (not Oxbridge). I didn't really make friends and although my housemates were nice, I loathed sharing a room. However, going to different groups helps, as did a cell-like single room.

@ofteninaspin I've just messaged my DD about a society she is running. If I hear anything positive back, I'll PM you.

@Cliff1975 really sorry to hear your DS is struggling again. He and you are not alone… and it’s a lonely place if things aren’t going well. It does sound to me as if ADHD might be an issue: my DD1 has it and DS1 has also now been diagnosed to add to his dyslexia — which does explain his extreme struggles with the course. Hopefully your DS can access some support which would make a difference, I think, even if there’s no magic wand.

@mutterphore I can hardly believe that your DSs are finalists already. It’s a shame that they don’t invite you to things. Do you think they know you want to come? Sometimes people need a bit of a nudge!

@petitebleu my DD1 also took a while to settle and only revealed later how hard she found the first term. I really hope your DS turns a corner soon.

I love all the portmanteau words — Mainsbury’s being the main Sainsbury’s in Cambridge (though lacking the pizzazz of the Tescolator). I’m sure there are more.

DH was at Sidney Sussex (aka Sidney Sainsbury's) and appreciated the convenient Mainsburys on Sidney St, though he doesn't remember it being called that (in the 90s!) Isn't the out of town one called Farawainsburys? I hope so.

DD has confirmed that she and her friends have been to the ‘big Tesco’ but I dunno if that’s the one with the ‘Tescolator’, or not! 😂

I think Slocal that DD refers to is a Sainsbury's local somewhere in Cambridge. @ofteninaspin I typed her text word for word. I know Plodge is a porters lodge. TBH, I can't keep up with it all.

Sympathies to all of those who are dealing with watching their students struggle in any way; it's so hard to witness and to know how best to help. This was me in 2020 when DD1 was a Fresher (her struggles weren't so much academic, but were mostly related to having to isolate several times with difficult/hostile members of her Covid "bubble"). Over time, she has ended up loving all aspects of life at Oxford.

Throughout her uni career, I developed a little ritual of posting her some home made brownies every few weeks, along with a supportive note from me (and often things that she'd forgotten to take). I like to think she enjoyed receiving a small taste of home (she has never come home for a weekend during term time - we are 3 hours away by train). This morning I packaged up a batch of brownies to post, and it sunk in that I wouldn't be doing it many more times because there are only a few short months left before she (hopefully) graduates; it has flown by and she wants to go abroad for a gap year next, so I doubt I'll be posting home baking!