Oxford / Cambridge - current students support / chat thread 2022

[DadDadDad]

Continuing a thread for anyone who wants to talk about their sons' and daughters' experience being a student in Oxford or Cambridge. (Or nephews, granddaughters, sisters, uncles - or if you or they have now graduated but you want to share your thoughts - all are welcome!)

Some of us on this thread go back to I think to late 2019 when our DCs were going through the admission process. A lot's happened since!

Over to you...

I spent some time with DS this morning. I asked what he is looking forward to in third year. I've learned a lot about the character he is building for this year's D&D campaign.

😄 @Ironoaks I'm sure he won't be alone in that...

@ScarlettDarling I do understand. Although I live in the SW, I am a northerner through & through. DD speaks with northern vowels, one of the perils of growing up with northern parents. At her graduation last summer, I was convinced there would be loads of "posh people" there and we would be like the poor relatives. I was so wrong. Because of Covid, the college had an outdoor picnic. We were with a few of DD's course mates and their parents. Most of them were just like us - down to earth, good sense of humour and immensely proud of their DC. One mum worked in a day nursery, I teach, another worked in a Citizens Advice Bureau. I thought they would all be hot-shots, but they weren't. DDs friends are lovely. They all have different life experiences - DD is perfectly happy to hop into her car and do a 100 mile journey but none of her London mates can drive.

Oxbridge really is a different world but there do seems to be many different tribes there, each one welcoming in its own way. @Ironoaks that is brilliant!

Scarlett my DD is one of those who has thrown herself into the whole experience. She was lucky enough to get a place on the UNIQ summer school, ticking some boxes based on her school, postcode etc and arrived at Oxford with far from perfect A levels.

A few people ask which school you went to in freshers week, but they're in a minority in every college. You don't have to be sporty, an aspiring member of Footlights, a talented musician or from a privileged background. Your DS will probably meet some of these types, but underneath it all, they are all just bright young people who the Oxbridge tutors have decided they would like to give a brilliant opportunity to. Some will hide in their rooms, some will party, all of them will grumble about the catering in hall, but they all deserve their place. Imposter syndrome from our DC (and us as parents) is par for the course!

Having said that, DD has gone on holiday today with her boyfriend. He attended a well known school and is undoubtedly more self conscious about his background than she is!

@ScarlettDarling I can only echo what OYBBK and others have said

My dd is coming up to her last year at Oxford having attended a bog standard comprehensive school which had no 6th form so had to apply elsewhere for A levels. Her fellow students and friendship group seem to come from a wide variety of backgrounds -anything from International schools (due to parents line of work) to ordinary comps in exotic locations such as Luton or Peckham or rural Lincolnshire

I forgot to say that approx 60% of dd's friends receive either the Crankstart Scholarship or the Oxford Bursary

My DC was state school educated and has a northern accent living as we do in the far north. He spent the first couple of weeks convinced everyone was from the south and independent schools and found that quite tough. But it soon became easier, probably they simply seemed more numerous being more confident. So @ScarlettDarling and others who are new to all this please tell your DC to hang in there if they have wobbles. There is a real diversity of students and wherever they go to uni there will be tricky times.

While DC1 found it hard to begin with he has now settled with friends from a wide range of backgrounds. He was off few days camping and had a funny story of travelling with an organ scholar. They made a playlist with his choices (rap) alternating with choral music for his friend. A compromise that worked and broadened each others horizons.

DD has totally thrown herself into the Cambridge experience (rowing, formals, ball committee etc) but I agree with everyone else that there are a huge variety of people. She's state school (and we are very standard middle class who are comfortable but not wealthy). Her best friends at C range from people with insanely wealthy parents from public schools (and the best thing she's learned is that money really doesn't buy happiness) to people from comprehensives all around the country who haven't had anyone go to Cambridge for decades. My fear was that there would be a lot of people who would make her feel inferior or out of place - and those fears have been really unfounded. She says (she's at a big central college) that there are 2 or 3 people who would act like that in her entire year - and everyone gives them a wide berth - most people are very down to earth and, although all her friends know where each other come from etc, it's not due to oneupmanship at all, it's just been part of getting to know each other. Most of her friends don't do any of the things that she does and they all study different subjects - but they just all get on well. I wish I'd been more relaxed beforehand about her fitting in because it really wasn't necessary to worry!

Thank you to everyone who has written such reassuring posts. Your words have been very kind and encouraging.
My DS was also state educated all the way. He is really excited about going to Oxford and is keen to embrace the whole experience.

@Letsgoforaskip, your comment about your DS made me smile. DD was similar as a fresher. Four years on and she has had some amazing experiences through her course and her sport. She worked hard when required but had a lot of fun too and embraced all the formals, balls and traditions. For the record, she was a very keen puffer jacket wearer and ended up with a quite a collection of college/sports stash.

I come from a true tourist area, where a car sticker for the local rugby club marks you out from the emmets on holiday. An Oxbridge puffer serves a similar purpose, as you roll your eyes whilst waving your Bod card to get through the gates past the queue of tourists waiting to come in to see the Harry Potter landmarks or Inspector Morse sights.

I think DD still can't believe her luck two years on & she knows it will very soon be over. Then real life begins.

We've had a parent's meeting on Zoom tonight for DS's college. It was really well done, answered lots of questions and was very much like one I would do for my school parents, except they stressed that the students are adults. It was very comprehensive and put my mind at rest. I'm so excited for DS now - as if I wasn't before!

@ofteninaspin Ah thank you. My DS says he can’t wait to get his puffer jacket and as much stash as he can get his hands on!

College PJs anyone?

Not sure DS1 would stretch to college PJs but he does love his stash.

I think it comes from a very deep affection for his college. It's very small and seems to attract particularly intense loyalty. I have a couple of friends who went there in the 90s and feel particularly loyal to it - in a way I've not seen with other colleges. DS1 is particularly fond of the cup he got in Fresher's Week 2020.

One of my own DS’s went to the same college HoneyMobster and remains extremely fond of it despite never having possessed any stash. I don’t believe that stash is an accurate indicator of fondness for a college!

I think the point is they are all different. Some like stash and some don't. Some love the balls and the traditional stuff and others actively avoid it. There is no one way to 'do' Oxbridge and students will find their way to what works for them.

Yes. My point was simply that affection for college clearly isn't measured by possession of stash which you suggested it was HM. Also, possession of stash doesn't correlate to enjoying all the party side of Oxford either. We are getting massively black and white here. DD4 says most of her London friends don't wear college stash in London. She wears her puffa up in Scotland if it's rainy or cold, because there's no-one up here who would tend to look twice.

I'm describing my own DS and what he likes / doesn't like and why I think he thinks the way he does. Not sure why you feel the need to over analyse. Let's just leave it there.

Ah it sounded like a generalised comment so it was that rather than any over analysis which prompted my response. Having driven a thousand miles over the past few days on different sides of the road I don't feel up to any form of sophisticated analysis, just coffee! I certainly don't recognise the idea the college referenced inspires a unique loyalty though, judging by the affection my other DC have for theirs (obviously not a scientific measure either). I think it might be fair to say that some college bursars inspire less loyalty than others however :)

Same! Drove from Bavaria to London in one go yesterday and feeling a bit tired and irritable.

I was South of France for several hundred km then Heathrow to Devon to Scotland. I’m the only driver so no time off but I’m not irritable just not capable of anything beyond very basic thinking! I hope that you weren’t one of the unfortunates stuck in the tunnel.

Hello new people and well done to your DC ! ( DD who is a DT1, going back to C for 3rd year History here). Room ballot just done this week which reminded me to check inand she’s got an extended licence in a lovely house with a kitchen not a gyp for the first time, and a space to socialise. Extended stay brilliant for many reasons, not least having to drive everything home and park it in the dining room every holiday, and for pre-season rowing.

I thinks I’ve missed loads on the thread, lots of life change going on.

@Ironoaks , hilaire post re D&D. ( DS just the same)

Fresher’s tips; Noise cancelling headphones and/or Neom ( or not) room diffuser for candle freaks.