Would you give more money to one child?

[Derkin]

We have two children, both of them are medics. This means their uni courses are long (6 years). Neither of them had much time to work during their later years.

Our son, started uni in Liverpool in 2012, and used the full pot of money (£20k) which we had set aside to give to him to help with living costs.

Our daughter started uni in 2017 in Bristol. It is an expensive city to rent in. She has finished the £20k pot we set aside. She says she can't afford her last year of uni unless we give her more money. This is because Bristol is a lot more expensive than Liverpool, and the cost of living is up almost 25% since her brother started.

We can afford to give her more, but dh refuses out of principal, that she chose how to spend the money. She had to go to Bristol, as that was her only offer.

Does she work?

How much maintenance grant do they get? You're responsible for topping it up if they don't get a full one.

But £20k in 2012 is very different in terms of living costs than 5 years later? 25% different. Your DH needs to consider that.

What is fair is not always what seems equal.

It would be absolutely ridiculous to let her drop out or fail in her final years just on principle.

Get your DH to loan it to her if he’s so bothered.

In those five years life has also become more expensive. If he costs are genuinely 25% more I assume you all saw this shortfall coming?

I would help. It’s not the exact £ that matter in my opinion, it’s that you helped them both through uni.
It would be entirely different if had cost the same and your DD had a send it to party… she hasn’t.

My own parents took the approach that they would fund the full course for my siblings and I. They wanted us to finish our courses and not have to worry about working during the academic year (studying was meant to be our “job”. We all worked during the long summer holidays).

One sinking did a shorter degree, but didn’t get ‘compensated’ for it. I had to do an extra course and year of practical training, which I paid for myself, as it was extra on the degree.

In your circumstances - you want her to finish ASAP, you say cost of living is higher and as long as she hasn’t failed subjects or been wildly extravagant with the money (ie holidays and handbags instead of student costs). I would fund it.

What’s fair isn’t always what is equal. Your husband is thinking £20,000 pounds each is equal. I think getting them to the point of each graduating is equal.

As a second way forward, perhaps you and your husband could offer to pay half and your child works during the holidays to fund the other half themselves?

I’d pay for essentials only (rent & food). If she wants money for anything else then she needs to find a job.

Cost of living has gone up so it’s not unreasonable to give her a little more.

Someone has already said what I think. Fair and equal are not the same.
Does he really think she should drop out ?

Excuse my typos… the new app and my phone dislike me intensely!

Did you top up her maintenance loan to the full amount every year? 20k across 6 years isn't all that much, unless you both don't earn all that much as well?
What is your husband suggesting she does? Drop out?

Regardless of the location, you say yourself that costs are much higher than they were 5 years ago, so it seems very unfair on your daughter to give her the same amount in nominal terms. We make up the amount our kids get in maintenance to the maximum loan amount. They only get the minimum. That goes up each year so the amount DS gets will exceed what DD got.

Are they accessing the loan?

I would ensure she has at least the bare minimum required to finish the course. It would be crazy not to at this point.

What would you have done if they did courses of different lengths? Still the same total amount?

A final year medic will only get about 25 days holiday. It's basically a full time job anyway.

Medicine students don't have time for part time jobs. I would encourage OH to pay.

Tell him he can have access to free medical advice for the rest of his life!

I was all ready to say no, but in these circumstances yes I would. Dropping out in her final year would be a colossal waste of time and money.

It's not comparing like for like, cost of living, higher expenses, inflation etc. I would focus on the fact they are both getting supported to reach the same end point - graduation.

Your DH is ridiculous. It's your money too. Fund your daughter. Has he not heard of inflation or differences in living costs? Does he prefer her to drop out? I expect your DS would agree with you that your DH is in the wrong here. Is she taking the maximum loans as £20k does not seem to be that large a contribution over a 6 year course.

Liverpool is a relatively cheap place to live. Lived there as a student.
Bristol isn't cheap, it's quite expensive. Lived there too.

Assume they both intercalated as both voters are 5 years. They can get £1,950 loan from SFE and £1,000 NHS bursary, potentially more. Universities will also give bursaries

I have often given more money to one child as there is two years between them and things change.

For example my son's driving lessons were more expensive than my daughter's but I bought them both ten lessons.

It would be impossible to spend exactly the same on each of them as it would generally penalise the younger child as costs went up.

Like others have said, equal and fair are different.

I have 2 at uni at the moment. One in Swansea, the other Bath. We could just make their loans up to maximum. That would be equal.

Instead, we have paid their accommodation costs. Which is fairer. (One is £400pm, the other £700... same standard)

I would pay her more to allow for increased cost of living and location.

I think that if she's working hard and hasn't wasted the money that she's already had then if you can afford to, you should pay it.

I agree that cost of living have increased in those 5 years.
I would fund them if I can afford it.
It would be such a waste if she drops out.

An inflation calculator says that £20,000 in 2012 is the same as £22,449.80 in 2017 so your second child would already be significantly worse off than your first even if they had both gone to Liverpool.

Cost of living index here puts the cost of living in Bristol as about 10% higher than in Liverpool too.

So I reckon you need to give your secind child about £5,000 more in order to be treating them exactly equally, funding them to equivalent levels. In terms of the buying power of what you have done for them, giving the exact same amount of money at different times in different cities is morally equivalent to haaving two at the same time in the same city and giving one of them 20% less than the other.

I think you have got off lightly if it’s only cost you £20,000 for a 5 year medical degree plus intercalation. I presume they got more than the minimum loan. If you can pay a bit extra to get your daughter over the line, I would do it. The final year is only short because of electives and you can always give the money as a loan to be repaid when they are working if your DH wants to make a point. A lot of medical students do work though, my daughter and most of her friends certainly did. She was an ambassador for the medical school on open and interview days, sat on interview panels as a student representative and was a first aider at Wembley amongst other things over the six years. All flexible but provided a bit of extra income when needed.

I gave/give mine equal amounts (adjusting for inflation) for living costs but pay accommodation costs in full for the one who went away from home (but ask them to look for something at the lower end of the student price range).

However none of mine are medics so they are able to work if they need more money. Actually DD does a Saturday coffee shop shift with a medic so some do manage to work.