Would you give more money to one child?

[Derkin]

We have two children, both of them are medics. This means their uni courses are long (6 years). Neither of them had much time to work during their later years.

Our son, started uni in Liverpool in 2012, and used the full pot of money (£20k) which we had set aside to give to him to help with living costs.

Our daughter started uni in 2017 in Bristol. It is an expensive city to rent in. She has finished the £20k pot we set aside. She says she can't afford her last year of uni unless we give her more money. This is because Bristol is a lot more expensive than Liverpool, and the cost of living is up almost 25% since her brother started.

We can afford to give her more, but dh refuses out of principal, that she chose how to spend the money. She had to go to Bristol, as that was her only offer.

I would sit down with your daughter and go through her budget. Are her last year placements "home" or not. One advantage Bristol has is that it provides free placement accommodation outside Bristol so many will be able to avoid renting anywhere in Bristol in their final year. Bristol also has finals in June the previous year, so in some ways the pressure is off, with more scope to work as an HCA etc. Is she running a car and is it needed, and so on.

Is your DHs reluctance to give her more because he thinks she could have been more frugal or simply fairness. If the former, perhaps a loan, and then only for what is really needed. The way you describe it is sounds as if she is trying to blackmail him. Is this what he objects to?

Your DH is being unfair. Costs are higher now and Bristol is an expensive city.

I would pay the difference and forget about the idea of giving both children the same amount.

We’ve got one child doing a degree in the medical field and another on the same route but 3 years behind. We fully expect to pay more for the second one.

Why does he see her as having wasted it?

I went to uni a couple of years before your oldest and my sibling went later than me. His degree probably cost at least 3x what mine did if not more because of higher fees and an extra year. I don't care - why would I when we both got a degree out of it?

I think that your DH is being unfair , and if you can afford it, then you should cover her rent and food for the year as a minimum.

You would be supporting her to qualify and hopefully get a good salary.

If she quits then all the previous time and money has been wasted.

Of course, if you don't have the money then she needs to look at other ways of trying to fund it, look into further grants and bursaries etc

This is so far from my idea of being a good parent. I think your husband is being completely unreasonable. Presumably she will be using the extra money for essentials, not for buying clothes or mini breaks!
As you yourself have acknowledged, £20k in 2012 is not worth the same now, and she is in a more expensive city.
Also is it your husband's decision? Can you give her more of you feel it is the right thing to do?
It could be a loan if that's the only way he would allow it. But I think he needs to get over himself and agree support his child in her careeer.

Over the years we have given dd who is currently doing a postgrad in London more money than we will be giving ds who starts his undergraduate in Leeds this year. But we will more than likely help ds with a house deposit whereas we are paying dd's London rent.

Neither of my children are doing medicine degrees but we have budgeted for both of them to do 4 year degrees whether masters or a year in industry. If one of them chooses to do a 3 year course we will not be refusing to give the other one only 3 year's worth of funding.

Your Dh is being absolutely ridiculous to refuse on principle. We are a decade on from 2012. Costs have risen dramatically. I wonder how much Liverpool uni costs today compared to when your son was there. Your daughter may never forgive him for this stance and your Dh is being incredibly unfair, fund one child, a son, but refuse for one more year for his daughter.

I think you should put your foot down and tell him you should fund her too.

Whatever you decide, people saying that she will drop out are not being realistic. Banks will give decent sized overdrafts to final year medics because they know they are more or less guaranteed a job. She will find the money elsewhere if she has too. Is she planning to do an expensive elective? My daughter was going to spend hers in S America until it got cancelled and they graduated them early due to covid. Even as a volunteer there would have been significant costs including flights and some travel afterwards. Maybe she wants cash to travel before she hits the wards in August.

I gave mine different amounts because things were more expensive by the time the second one went (11 year age gap). Everything costed more for the younger one.

Yes, I would fund each child’s university education as needed. I believe that is my responsibility as a parent. As long as they are taking the education seriously, I provide financial assistance.

I would give more, money goes much less far now than it did in 2012 (10 years ago!). IMO it’s actually unfair to give them the same figure. What is fair would be to provide them with the same standard of living for the same amount of time. Which will cost more now than it did for your DS.

DH is being a total git. Give her the money.

You haven’t given them the same as their costs are so much different.

yes fair isn't equal.

It would be totally unfair not to help your DD out for her final year. What does your DH expect her to do? Drop out or just starve while she does long hours of final year medical school? I’m going to guess he’d have been happy to give the money if it was the other way around.

That's madness from your DH.
Our eldest went to university in 2012, and our youngest has just started. We support them from income rather than savings. Would it be reasonable to give the second child the same amount monthly as the first? Of course it wouldn't. Even though our 2022 income is not noticeably higher than it was in 2012.

DH is being unfair.

Exactly this!

I agree with everyone who says that through the accidents of both and location, fair and equal are different. @BuanoKubiamVej has given you the key data.

First, £20,000 in 2012 had inflated to about £22,500 by 2017. So if you gave the money as a lump sum, an equivalent gift to your DD as to your DS would have been the latter amount.

Now if we assume that your DS required his full base amount and use @BuanoKubiamVej ’s assertion that life in Bristol is 10% more expensive, then your DD actually needs

22,500 plus (0.1 x 22,500) or £24,550

for a functionally equivalent gift. And that is before our currently fierce inflation.

The original gift was very generous. Whether you and your husband can afford this, whether there is a back story - obviously we know nothing of these issues. But these numbers don’t lie, and @BuanoKubiamVej was very close to the mark when she said that a functionally equivalent gift to your DD would mean handing over another £5K.

I write as an eldest child who remembers feeling hard done by in various ways but cannot imagine feeling upset by equivalent rather than equal support in this instance, BTW. It is the proper definition of fairness

Edit: accidents of birth and location

We have two at university and we give them different amounts.

We looked at their individual circumstances and had a discussion with them about how much they felt they needed.

DC1 has cheaper accommodation and a well paid job whilst at university and in the holiday.

DC 2 has more expensive accommodation (no ensuite, just more expensive compared to DC1), competes at national level at a sport, runs a car to get to training and can only work in winter months due to training and competing.

Both know how much the other DC gets and have never felt it was unfair. They understand they have different needs.

I would and do support my children as they require it
i don’t think it has to be £ for £ the same day

What is your DH thinking?! It will be really detrimental to her final year to have to work. Why would you not help your child out if you can afford it?

If he really wants to be a dick about it make it a loan for her to pay back once she can.

My DC went to Uni 3 years apart. Younger one got more cash as living costs had risen over the 3 years.

I think your husband has it wrong- giving the the same amount of money 5 years apart is not treating them equally.