Divorced parents and funding

[Nettletea0]

Hi all,

I have 2 DC with my ex huband. He earns very little (decided to leave semi good job to enjoy his free time in a PT job after we divorced and pays minimal maintenance 🙄)

I am remarried to DH who earns a really good salary. I earn approx 28k though probably less by time DC go to uni as wish to go PT for various reasons.

My question - DH and I despite very good household income, never have much left over as where we live is so expensive and wipes out most of our money!!

My DC are not his so honestly aren't his responsibility as such financially. Though he does pay far more towards their birthdays/xmas presents, household expenses, food etc etc than their dad does!!

Anyway, i never thought about uni costs as i never went. But looking into it, I've realised DH income would mean my DC would get a far far lower student loan than if i was single or with ex.

DH worked almost full time through uni, got no help from anyone etc so he is of the mindset that the DC should make their own way through uni. I would have been the same if it was just my income and i was single, as i genuinely couldn't have afforded mortage and bills plus uni fees! But they would have received more loan.

However, because of DH income they will be worse off which i don't think is fair. However we genuinely don't have enough money to save each month to make up the shortfall unless we ALL go without ANY fun things for the next few years, which is just not realistic. Their dad will no doubt say he can't contribute anything despite living with parents so next to no outgoings except all his fun 'toys' etc.

My question -
I read on the uni website that to work out finances they look at the household the child predominantly lives at - is that correct? If so, when the time comes, could DC claim they now will be living with their dad so they get a more similar amount of funding to what they'd have got if just my wage was taken into account?

It just seems so unfair that they loose out because of my decision to remarry.

I don't know the answer but when I went to uni (long time ago) children of divorced parents were entitled to more help regardless of the financial situation. I had one friend whose parents were divorced, dad practically a millionaire but still got help, 50% fees etc. so it has probably changed but do see if any loopholes around that.

I think it has changed since JazzyBBG went to university, as I have read other people complaining about the same issue, OP. I would have thought that if the boys lie about where they live, they will almost certainly be committing a criminal offence. It would be terrible parenting to put pressure on them to do that! I am frankly struggling to understand how you can have such a high household income and no capacity to save, unless there is some key information about your financial situation that you have missed out of your OP. If you aren't prepared to contribute anything towards your sons' living costs at university, I think you need to start managing their expectations right now! I guess on option would be for your sons to get jobs immediately on leaving school, but for you to agree that you will allow them to live at home rent free making no contribution towards bills or food for a couple of years so that they can save up towards going to university.

Sorry, I see you said DC. Not sure why I read DS!

Thanks both.

It's not we can't save ANYTHING, it's that what we save is minimal and for emergencies. Looking at calculations for how much it would currently cost, we'd need to save 13k per child to cover for them to have a 3 year uni course each!! No way we can do that as it stands, have a small pot of savings for emergency and small amount of money for 'fun'. No debts. Rest is the cost of living in the SE, london commute, and i am currently on maternity so will then be paying approx 60% of my take home pay towards childcare on my return to work. Unfortunately with the increase of all living expenses, it's eating more and more into our disposal income.

In ten years we will be in a much better position. But for 5 years i had to pay all mortgage and bills out of my own money non from exdh and then give him a massive amount of equity from house sale to get him to sign divorce papers (much more than he was really entitled to but i had lost the will to keep fighting him)- he originally wanted 50/50 even though i had full time custody!! Since then DH and i have bought our house together and DH has quite quickly climbed up the ranks at work - he was on far less money when we first met!!

Anyway i digress 😁

I think i will need to look at the fine print on the finance application as again, if kids stayed home it may not be the uni of their choice - but resigned to it due to my being unable to gift them 13k each for a uni further away.

Maybe even if they spent a gap year at their dads if they wanted to, and mine part time, then that would be their main address when it come to the application. In terms of 'defrauding' I'm honestly not concerned about that as it's ridiculous that once again it's the middle income families that get hit but get no help in any other benefits!

My older dc are pretty much free range between my house and their dads but my younger 2 are with me most of the time. I’m the higher earner but our situation isn’t complicated by step parents income. “Officially” all the dc live here (this was the “family home”) and things like the address they use at school and the doctors and the bank and dc1s provisional driving licence etc is here. They/we will be better off by about £2k each if they use their dads address for finance and I’m very tempted to do that if possible.
I don’t agree with non parental household income being used to calculate loan costs. It’s bad enough that parental income is used for maintenance of grown adults without their mums boyfriend or siblings wages being used to hobble them. I also think that other expenses should be able to be used in mitigation. Not yacht morning fees or even mortgage/rent and transport expenses, but childcare for under 11s in the home, and parental contributions to other university aged siblings (my eldest two are in adjoining academic years - currently y12/13) should be a factor. It’s not though and we’re stuck with it.
If your children live and go to school in London and your kids dad lives in a one bed in Keswick then I don’t think anyone is going to believe that their dads is the main residence though.

Sorry, approx 15k per child

@Nettletea0 I'm in a similar position. I can't move on with my DP of four years as his income would mean my DC get the minimal loan. My youngest DC just started a four year uni course. We may review next year when my oldest has finished uni and we only have one to fund.

My Ex will not contribute to uni costs, so it all falls on me.

@SimpleShootingWeekend @Citygirl2019 it's so hard isn't it! Just feel guilty, but then think their dad hasn't given it a second thought, it all just falls on me.
I have a couple of years to figure it out i suppose and no doubt by then the goal posts will be moved again 🙄😄

My stepdad's income limited my choices at university as he didn't want to contribute either.

I had to do a course that came with a bursary as there was no way I could have managed with zero parental contributions otherwise.

My mum made a lot of choices that had very negative impacts on my life, it wasn't just this.

It's really sad if your child can't afford to go to university due to his stepparent, can you live separately for enough time for his income not to count?

@lunar1 I'm really sorry to hear that your stepdad didn't want to contribute 😞 My DH will be contributing it's just we can't financially come up with approx 30k in total which is the estimated amount for both kids - there's only 19 months between them too so starting uni pretty close together.

I just did calculation on only my salary and I'd only have to contribute £330 in TOTAL!! 😱

I hope it all worked out for you okay in the end 💕

The reality is it would be fraud if they did nit live at their Dad's. Your household does have the income that means they get a lower loan amount so it is rather disingenuous to feel hard done by because people earning far far less than your household get slightly more. Even those students on full maintenance loans have to get jobs etc sometimes to afford to go.

Surely you have that conversation with your kids that they will need holiday jobs, jobs in 6th form or gap year to contribute to their uni outgoings if you aren't able to fund the suggested parental contribution because the money is used elsewhere.

Yeah its not fair at all since your DH is not their parent. I just don't see why the maintenance loan is means tested at all seeing as its a loan anyway.

How long before Uni?

Most parents are in a similar situation, middle income and struggle to support Uni dc so not exclusive to step families although you mention mat leave so assume you have a new baby and that probadly isn't as common and adds to the complexity as you have costs at both stages.

It's choice, save for Uni as much as you can, knowing you have a few years to do so and also supplement with income when they reach Uni, if there is a shortfall. Many parents CAN'T go part time until their children have left Uni as they choose to support them.

Or encourage them to go to Unis that will have low cost of living, get them to have jobs as soon as they can, ask relatives to help with cash instead of presents, they can defer Uni for a year and work.

If you did want to commit fraud this you'd have to make sure that their address was changed at school, as the school also fill in details for UCAS. Their DF would also have to fill in the form (and send off his financial details) so you'd need to have him on board too.
Your dh's attitude that they should fund their own way isn't really applicable now. Parents are expected to make up the shortfall. With fees and accommodation so high you can't really expect a student to cover their own costs.

Agree with all the info above, parents with what is regarded as a high household income are expected to contribute, it's not optional. Join the WIWIKAU Facebook too as it constantly covers this issue in posts.

I agree it is unfair that a step parent’s income is taken into account whereas a non-resident parent could be earning millions & it wouldn’t be. But those are the rules we are stuck with.

I appreciate that you are in a slightly different position due to having a baby on the way - as mine got older I increased my hours rather than decreased them in order to have more to help with uni costs. Plus our mortgage was coming to an end

How many school years apart are your dc? Can the younger one take a gap year so you are not paying for both at once? I think you need to have an honest conversation with them about how much you can help them, so they know they will have to get summer jobs etc. I know you can’t force your ex to help out but it would be good if he could. Student finance has changed a huge amount from when he went.

Is your dh prepared to contribute or not? You say he will in one post but your OP implies he won't?

To be frank you'd be asking your dcs and their father to be complicit in fraud. Because you didn't plan ahead - parental contribution based on household income is nothing new. It's been that way for 40+ years. It's not really fair to limit your dcs' uni choice because you haven't planned ahead.

That's said, I assume they'd get the minimum so you're looking at what £400 a month. Don't forget you don't need £30k up front. It'll be spread out over five years.

"DH worked almost full time through uni, got no help from anyone etc so he is of the mindset that the DC should make their own way through uni."

Would he take this view in relation to his own child? It's not a race to the bottom. You're supposed to want better than you had yourself.

One of the issues I came across with ds1 when choosing a uni was that the school went to great lengths to point out pros/cons of each one, right down to how many bars vs clubs in the town, but never any mention of the cost factor. For us London was completely out of the question, as was Bristol, due to high accommodation costs. We just had to make that very clear from the outset.

Some London unis offer very good bursaries for those with parents on low incomes - pretty much matching the student loan. So Londis can actually be more affordable for some students.

London

DCs getting jobs depends entirely on what course they study.

I’m a STEM student (but I’m old ) and there’s no way I could work part time around 35 hours of timetable plus another 20 hours of extra reading etc.

@Decorhate

Some London unis offer very good bursaries for those with parents on low incomes - pretty much matching the student loan. So Londis can actually be more affordable for some students.

To be fair Londis can be cheap too!

You could put your ex down as the main residence, but both parents have to complete a financial declaration, are you sure your ex will do this?

I’m just here to say it unbelievably unfair on so many levels

The biological non resident father’s income not being taken into consideration

No pressure on the non biological father to take up costs

A partner who is not a biological parent having to declare income despite maybe not having had that long a relationship with them

The assumption that the non biological parent will support

Essentially it all falls on divorced / separated (mainly) women - unless (mainly) men decide to step up. Obviously there are variations to this but across the population …

That’s even before you get to the bizarreness of parental income being used to decide a loan for adults 🤷🏻‍♀️