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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Divorced parents and funding

81 replies

Nettletea0 · 19/02/2022 09:18

Hi all,

I have 2 DC with my ex huband. He earns very little (decided to leave semi good job to enjoy his free time in a PT job after we divorced and pays minimal maintenance 🙄)

I am remarried to DH who earns a really good salary. I earn approx 28k though probably less by time DC go to uni as wish to go PT for various reasons.

My question - DH and I despite very good household income, never have much left over as where we live is so expensive and wipes out most of our money!!

My DC are not his so honestly aren't his responsibility as such financially. Though he does pay far more towards their birthdays/xmas presents, household expenses, food etc etc than their dad does!!

Anyway, i never thought about uni costs as i never went. But looking into it, I've realised DH income would mean my DC would get a far far lower student loan than if i was single or with ex.

DH worked almost full time through uni, got no help from anyone etc so he is of the mindset that the DC should make their own way through uni. I would have been the same if it was just my income and i was single, as i genuinely couldn't have afforded mortage and bills plus uni fees! But they would have received more loan.

However, because of DH income they will be worse off which i don't think is fair. However we genuinely don't have enough money to save each month to make up the shortfall unless we ALL go without ANY fun things for the next few years, which is just not realistic. Their dad will no doubt say he can't contribute anything despite living with parents so next to no outgoings except all his fun 'toys' etc.

My question -
I read on the uni website that to work out finances they look at the household the child predominantly lives at - is that correct? If so, when the time comes, could DC claim they now will be living with their dad so they get a more similar amount of funding to what they'd have got if just my wage was taken into account?

It just seems so unfair that they loose out because of my decision to remarry.

OP posts:
SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 19/02/2022 17:55

Make sure they’re looking at the bursaries and scholarships available at unis when they research as this will help if they’re eligible. It’s also not wrong to explain to them that once they’re 16 they need a PT job and they need to save some earning to contribute if they want to live out.
Being a grown up is about making choices and uni is part of that - I stayed at home and worked 15-20 hours a week during my degree so that I could leave without student debt. I could have moved out and got a full loan, but I chose not to.

Trying to lie on the SFE form to get more money will invariably go wrong, they have a whole team dedicated to finding people who do this. A friends mum tried to do this because although on paper she earnt good money, she was caring for an elderly parent which ate up all of her income (paying for a pedant service, in house care etc) so she tried to put finance through as though my friend lived with her dad who was low wage. I don’t know the details (because we’d gone off to uni when they were found out) but the ‘overpayment’ ended up being claimed back from another year so she was worse off in the end.

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 19/02/2022 17:56

I don’t disagree that it’s unfair btw. But it’s the system we have to work with

SimpleShootingWeekend · 19/02/2022 18:55

That’s even before you get to the bizarreness of parental income being used to decide a loan for adults

It is bizarre. Some students will just move out and live and work at their university city, only coming home for the odd visit, but somehow they have a “home” in a place they no longer live and get a “parental contribution” from a person who isn’t a parent.
What is the determining factor for whether a student lives with their mum or their dad when they live with with neither? I lived in a 5 person house share for 2 years. 2 of my friends had parents who downsized and no longer had a childhood bedroom to return to so lived in our house share all year round. They were the most skint out of all of us so as well as not having a bedroom in a parents house they stayed to work in their term time jobs. Bizarre that their access to a loan is cut because their parent moves in with a partner.

gogohm · 19/02/2022 19:02

Plenty of dc choose the lower income parent to be domiciled with, tell them to go on the electoral role there.

Original poster
Nettletea0 · 19/02/2022 19:17

@titchy
To be frank you'd be asking your dcs and their father to be complicit in fraud. Because you didn't plan ahead - parental contribution based on household income is nothing new. It's been that way for 40+ years. It's not really fair to limit your dcs' uni choice because you haven't planned ahead.

No one in my family has been to uni. I have no idea how any of it works. Hence my saying so in above post.
I did A levels then an apprenticeship then working. Bought my first house at 20 with my exDH. Luckily otherwise I'd never get on the property ladder now!

And I've always had a modest household income, so never fell into the needing to contribute loads box - assumed it would be something but not 15k 😄 If it was just me it would only be £330!!

@seekinglondonlife that's useful, thankyou.

@Ginger1982 he's not meaning it in a horrid way, it's that he has friends who were gifted everything and he sees how unappreciative and entitled they are. He came from a single parent family and due to hard work he now earns a great wage.

OP posts:
linchinton · 19/02/2022 19:19

I'm going to sound mean, but it does seem unfair you've had another baby and therefore are dropping your hours - and now are turning around to your older children saying you can't afford to support them.

Original poster
Nettletea0 · 19/02/2022 19:19

Thanks @catinthewindow @SimpleShootingWeekend

To queries above - Yes i would expect them to do some work to pay tiwards costs

OP posts:
Original poster
Nettletea0 · 19/02/2022 19:21

@linchinton trust me it wasn't planned!!! 😄 And in terms of dropping hours it's various reasons and benefits all the family.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 19/02/2022 20:17

We had same issue. We looked into it. To be classed as living with a parent include where doctors is registered, where they get their post, bank accounts registered too etc. we didn't do it in end felt too risky. Plus ex lived a couple hour away so wasn't like it was in the same town. Luckily loan just about covers rent so we pay for food and they both got jobs to cover socialising.

Original poster
Nettletea0 · 19/02/2022 20:33

@autienotnaughty ahh that's good it's worked out ok!

Yeah just never realised non biological partners have to contribute to university costs so that's why was really confused by it all!

I guess you live and learn 🙈

OP posts:
LollyLol · 19/02/2022 20:37

Do you think there is any chance your ex's parents would contribute? Or maybe you could ask them to collect rent off your ex and put it aside for the DC to go to uni. If they charged him £800 a month that is nearly £20k over 2 years. If he hasnt contributed anything else much, and took a load of equity from you, maybe he might agree it is fair.

Beth13579 · 20/02/2022 09:11

My DC ...aren't his responsibility financially... though he does pay far more towards their birthdays/xmas presents, household expenses, food etc etc than their dad does!

So he does have a financial commitment to them then?

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 20/02/2022 09:50

Yes I have the same issue with DD off to Uni this year and DS next year. I got remarried 2 years ago and we have chosen not to live together and one of the reasons we won't be living together anytime soon was student funding. I calculated it as around 25k over the 3 years my DC would be at Uni and no way can I find that extra money. Another thing that grinds me is that student finance doesnt take into account how many DC you have at Uni at the same time. I earn just over the threshold for extra help so neither DC will be able to apply for any bursaries. Each DC has a trust fund though that exh and I have paid in since birth so that will give them a small amount each month to live on thank god we did it. It is an unfair system as at 18 they are adults in the Governments eyes (can vote, get married, buy a house) except when it comes to student funding it would seem. Sadly nothing you can do about it though!

Xenia · 20/02/2022 21:18

Before you married you and your husband could have had this issue in a pre nup (and could do a post nup over it now if yo want). Also check your financial court order or consent order sealed by the court on your divorce finances - eg mine says I pay all 5 children's school fees and university costs and their fathers pays none (I earn more).

Xenia · 20/02/2022 21:18

..their father... (not fathers - they all have the same father)..

keysonthetable · 21/02/2022 14:37

Not sure if this is relevant but makes interesting reading.

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/parents-university-fees-and-child-maintenance/

A friend whose ex-h just didn't fancy paying "because he himself hadn't had the chance to have 3 years of partying at University", was advised by her divorce solicitor that their daughter could sue her dad for financial support. It didn't come to that in the end though.

Darbs76 · 25/02/2022 09:52

It is madness that the father gets away with not contributing at all yet step dad is responsible. They should have looked at this with the recent student loan reforms. I know someone in this position, they aren’t married so he’s her boyfriend but is expected to stump up thousands for her kids whilst dad, who earns a large amount pays zero. Ridiculous

DogsAndGin · 25/02/2022 10:33

I agree with you OP, your new DH shouldn’t be taken into account when working out the uni fees of a child which isn’t his. I think your DS should put down his dad’s address.

Hillarious · 25/02/2022 15:38

@DogsAndGin

I agree with you OP, your new DH shouldn’t be taken into account when working out the uni fees of a child which isn’t his. I think your DS should put down his dad’s address.
It's okay. No-one - neither DH, exH or DC - is paying for uni fees, as a non means-tested loan will cover that.

But OP, yes, you can see it as unfair to have to reign in on the fun things in life in order to help your DC financially at uni, but I'm afraid that's life for most of us, even those still married with the option of just the one household and multiple DC away at uni.

Using household income is a blunt instrument, but the country can't afford to hand out full loans to everyone who goes to uni.

purplehairlady · 25/02/2022 16:33

Someone educate me - won't your DC be eligible for maintenance and living loan? How much will they be eligible for as my parents earn good money and I got a tuition loan and 5k/year maintenance (albeit 8 years ago)

Posts like OP annoy me - GOD FORBID you have to forgo "fun stuff" to support your own children 🙄

Northernsoullover · 25/02/2022 16:37

On paper my salary is good. Not mumsnet good but above national average. I won't be able to contribute anything of substance to my son but he won't get full loan. Luckily he will be going to a local University and living at home. He'll just have to get a job.

thanktor · 25/02/2022 16:37

You and your dh may not regard your home environment as a “family”,
But the government does
And I would bloody hope that if I remarry and my dh brings up my children as his own - as yours has supposedly done, then this wouldn’t be something I’d think unfair.

thanktor · 25/02/2022 16:40

How old are your children?

And you’ve never thought of uni costs?

You can’t open a paper without a news story on it

MissSmiley · 25/02/2022 17:23

Unbelievably naive not to have thought about this sooner, plenty of divorced women put off living with a new partner precisely for this reason.

NorthSouthcatlady · 25/02/2022 18:33

@purplehairlady but going to university isn’t a necessity like food, clothes etc that parents should prioritise. It’s a want. If people want to go to university then they can pay for it themselves, it’s what l did