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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Daughter not happy at uni

64 replies

Uniblues · 23/10/2021 17:32

Just looking for some advice please. Dd is 19, she took a gap year and is her first year at a university 3.5 hours away.

She has thrown herself into partying/studying but after 5 weeks feels she has no ‘real’ friends and so far isn't enjoying the course, it doesn't help that the majority is online! She is quite fixated on the idea that everyone else has an instant group if mates in their accommodation but she hasn't gelled with hers.

Just looking for advice really please

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LIZS · 23/10/2021 17:35

Has she joined any societies, that way she may find others with similar interests. Ime the expectation and optimism can flag a few weeks in when reality bites. If she missed Freshers events there is usually a second chance to sign up for tasters January.

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 17:58

LIZS Thanks for the reply. She has joined a few and did freshers. The people she has got on with are not near by but on further out campuses and they seemed to gave stopped bothering. Sad

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cloudtree · 23/10/2021 18:01

Which university?

jendifer · 23/10/2021 18:01

Is it an option to move accommodation? My god-daughter changed floors in the jan of her first year as she got on better with people there than her corridor.

girlmom21 · 23/10/2021 18:02

Does she have any hobbies? Could she join any groups or teams to meet new people, or get a part time job?

LIZS · 23/10/2021 18:02

@jendifer dd did similar at end of first term and is now flatsharing with those she joined.

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:04

@cloudtree

Which university?
Leeds
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Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:05

@jendifer

Is it an option to move accommodation? My god-daughter changed floors in the jan of her first year as she got on better with people there than her corridor.
I will mention this, Thank you
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Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:06

@girlmom21

Does she have any hobbies? Could she join any groups or teams to meet new people, or get a part time job?
I have said this to her. Flowers
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vjg13 · 23/10/2021 18:18

Is there any prospect soon of the course returning to in person? I think not meeting people and doing the course mainly online is hugely different to the usual experience and will affect her view on it.

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:19

@vjg13

Is there any prospect soon of the course returning to in person? I think not meeting people and doing the course mainly online is hugely different to the usual experience and will affect her view on it.
I have no idea but will try and find out.
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Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:20

I’ve just suggested asking to move floors, so I will wait to see what she thinks. I feel like she is angling to quit at present.Confused

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Rummikub · 23/10/2021 18:24

she could do with taking the pressure off herself. It can take awhile to find your place. Especially hard without face to face.

Fadingout · 23/10/2021 18:27

University can be tough. I think you think you’ll instantly find a group and have an amazing social experience. I went to university years ago and I didn’t find my tribe and found university quite tough. Is it mainly the social side? Or the course?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/10/2021 18:28

It’s very early days … she needs to give it until xmas before making any decisions.

zafferana · 23/10/2021 18:30

It sounds like she just hasn't found her tribe yet. What did she enjoy doing outside school and could she do some of that at uni?

It took me a while to find my tribe too. I hated halls and my course was full of people I felt I had nothing in common with. It was an club/society that meant I found my people.

Five weeks is nothing - no one makes real friends in such a short time, even if it feels like that.

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:32

@zafferana

It sounds like she just hasn't found her tribe yet. What did she enjoy doing outside school and could she do some of that at uni?

It took me a while to find my tribe too. I hated halls and my course was full of people I felt I had nothing in common with. It was an club/society that meant I found my people.

Five weeks is nothing - no one makes real friends in such a short time, even if it feels like that.

Cheer leading but she didnt make the team as she hadnt done it for a while, clubbing and socialising mainlyGrin
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Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:32

@BigSandyBalls2015

It’s very early days … she needs to give it until xmas before making any decisions.
I agree!
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Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:33

@Fadingout

University can be tough. I think you think you’ll instantly find a group and have an amazing social experience. I went to university years ago and I didn’t find my tribe and found university quite tough. Is it mainly the social side? Or the course?
She says both but I think its the social side. I think she expected that she’d go and meet ‘her’ people quickly and have a ball.Sad
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Oblomov21 · 23/10/2021 18:33

You actually have many different issues/problems going on here. Maybe separate them?
True deep friendships don't happen quickly, they take time to develop. Maybe moving accommodation levels will help. If she just meets one nice girl she'll love it.
Going to new activities and societies?
The course she needs to talk to her tutor?
Don't let her quit. These feelings are all normal.

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:35

@Oblomov21

You actually have many different issues/problems going on here. Maybe separate them? True deep friendships don't happen quickly, they take time to develop. Maybe moving accommodation levels will help. If she just meets one nice girl she'll love it. Going to new activities and societies? The course she needs to talk to her tutor? Don't let her quit. These feelings are all normal.
I won’t!
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Okaytellmewhatisavailablethen · 23/10/2021 18:38

I think this can quite often happen, that after a few weeks the lovely, or at least ok, friendship group you thought you'd found can disintegrate a bit (and the house shares can start to get on less well - in some cases markedly so!). Not that much consolation but it is worth knowing, so that dd doesn't feel it is only her. Also we (I mean people generally) don't usually make really good friends within 5 weeks, yet the pressure is on at university to have them after 1, which makes things so much harder!

It's also likely to be more difficult with so much online (no 'fancy a coffee/' opportunities after lectures which were a very low key way of trying to make friends.) So I think that as well as moving accommodation, the clubs/societies thing is probably one to really throw yourself into at the moment - if not team-sporty what about choirs, cookery, non-team sports like martial arts, niche interests? Anything that involves meeting other people - walking group at weekends? Or as pp have suggested a part-time job?
Also - heresy - don't rule out quitting and trying again next year if dd doesn't like the course and just can't find some like-minded people. Sometimes is may not be just the friends thing - some students do just realise the course is not what they thought it would be.

Fetarabbit · 23/10/2021 18:45

I hated university until after Christmas the first year, and I did get on with my flatmates in halls! However I met my best friends in sports clubs, I actually am rubbish at sports but joined sailing and did social netball. It was such a great way to meet people, and I am still in contact and class several as very close friends over a decade on. There are also societies rather than sports. Second year onwards as well you can choose where you live and who with, I actually weirdly found more of a community feel when living in houses rather than halls, so it won't be like this forever. I'd encourage her to take it a week at a time, it's already halfway to Christmas and it sounds like she is doing amazingly well; it is a huge change in lifestyle and being away from home.

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 18:50

Shes now yelling me she doesn't want solutions but just wanted to talk, so hard as I just want to fix it lol.

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Rummikub · 23/10/2021 18:56

Have you got any experiences that are similar to what she might be feeling?

I keep having to remind myself of how tough that age can be

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