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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Daughter not happy at uni

64 replies

Uniblues · 23/10/2021 17:32

Just looking for some advice please. Dd is 19, she took a gap year and is her first year at a university 3.5 hours away.

She has thrown herself into partying/studying but after 5 weeks feels she has no ‘real’ friends and so far isn't enjoying the course, it doesn't help that the majority is online! She is quite fixated on the idea that everyone else has an instant group if mates in their accommodation but she hasn't gelled with hers.

Just looking for advice really please

OP posts:
Rummikub · 23/10/2021 18:57

So that you can share them with her?

VanCleefArpels · 23/10/2021 18:59

On the flatmates thing - it’s a random collection of kids, it’s actually amazing if they DO all gel together.

Key is either extra curricular activities, maybe eg gym classes, “casual” sport that gives an opportunity to walk/chat/coffee afterwards (clubbing fun but no real chance to properly chat!) or arranging to meet with other course mates if they are not meeting face to face. Maybe suggest to book a room in the library to discuss an essay or project?

Agree that Xmas is te target for any big decisions,

user1487194234 · 23/10/2021 19:00

All you can do is listen and support
Hopefully she won't want to quit but if she does you really can't interfere in that decision

JayAlfredPrufrock · 23/10/2021 19:01

Such a shame that she likes clubbing but hasn’t found her people. Leeds is great I believe for party animals.

stodgystollen · 23/10/2021 19:05

There's a line in Brideshead Revisited about it being normal to spend your second year shaking off the friend's of one's first, and it still seems to be true 75 years later!

Hardly anyone ever made genuine friends for a couple of terms. It's just a matter of finding a few people who are ok enough to eat with a kick around with until hopefully everyone gradually find real friends. A lot of people try to hide this by love/friend bombing every person they meet, but in reality they probably all feel much like your daughter.

SapphosRock · 23/10/2021 19:14

I was exactly the same. Didn't enjoy the course or gel with the people. I ended up leaving at Christmas and starting again the following September doing a different degree on a different campus (same uni). Best decision I made.

I would advise your DD to have a chat with the tutors of other courses and look at other campuses. Three years is a long time + a lot of money not to be enjoying herself.

Georgie8 · 23/10/2021 19:21

Hear what she said -but she does want advice, just not from you 😂
Everyone always thinks everyone else is finding it easier -probably not true.
My daughter felt she’d be the only one struggling, but she was almost the only one who wasn’t homesick and was happy to explore the city on her own.
We told her to do some things within her comfort zone and few outside it in order to meet lots of different people. It’s not school - she can stop going if she doesn’t like it!

Advise her to join societies: my daughter plays several instruments and so joined two music groups; she decided to learn sign language; she’s joined other societies just to explore her options.
Not liking the course is an entirely different matter (although it’s early days) -she needs to talk with her tutor about that.
Ultimately she’s probably feeling a bit less confident than she expected after taking a year out.
Does she have other adults she can talk with e.g. my daughter calls her grandma and aunt regularly and is given advice, whether she wants it, or not 🤣 but she’s more likely to take their advice on board (not ours 🙄).

nitisuldenbur · 23/10/2021 20:07

My DS is in a very similar position to yours. He has had to come home because of something non-uni related he had to do for a couple of days and it's rejuvenated him enough to go back and continue - to begin with when he came home I really thought he was going to quit. Is this something your DD can do?

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 23/10/2021 20:10

Get her to try the Uni Barbell Club. Always a friendly community

Flowersintheattic2021 · 23/10/2021 20:27

What is she studying would she prefer an apprenticeship

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 20:30

@SweetBabyCheeses99

Get her to try the Uni Barbell Club. Always a friendly community
Up her street, thank you
OP posts:
GoodGrief100 · 23/10/2021 20:31

I just want to say, I went to uni for 1 semester, hated it and didn't end up going back after Christmas break. I realised I hated classroom settings and just wanted to earn money so ended up doing an apprenticeship and have worked my way up and earned myself a good career. University is not the be all and end all, if she's not happy it wouldn't be awful if she did drop out.

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 20:31

@nitisuldenbur

My DS is in a very similar position to yours. He has had to come home because of something non-uni related he had to do for a couple of days and it's rejuvenated him enough to go back and continue - to begin with when he came home I really thought he was going to quit. Is this something your DD can do?
Ive suggested this, shes thinking about it,I think a break would be good for her
OP posts:
Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 20:32

@GoodGrief100

I just want to say, I went to uni for 1 semester, hated it and didn't end up going back after Christmas break. I realised I hated classroom settings and just wanted to earn money so ended up doing an apprenticeship and have worked my way up and earned myself a good career. University is not the be all and end all, if she's not happy it wouldn't be awful if she did drop out.
Its certainly an option after christmas
OP posts:
Sea62648 · 23/10/2021 20:42

I went to uni between 2013 - 2016. I'm no longer in touch with any friends I made at uni however my two best friends are people I met when I started a part time job in my first year at uni

MissConductUS · 23/10/2021 21:29

My son struggled a bit his first year. He's not naturally outgoing. I think some of it was just homesickness. He worked through it by rowing on the crew team and joining clubs. Coming home to visit wasn't easy as he is about four hours away in Boston, but when he did come back it really helped.

I also sent him homemade brownies and cookies that he could share and let him know that we were thinking of him. It's a nice way to remind him of home and family too.

Good luck to your daughter, OP.

DotBall · 23/10/2021 21:33

Don't let her quit. These feelings are all normal

She’s 19. If she wants to quit, she can.

I say that as a parent whose child quit…twice. DC is now three years into developing a really good career in finance and would probably never have done this if he’d completed either of his courses.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 23/10/2021 21:42

What is she studying

Original poster
Uniblues · 23/10/2021 21:43

@Flowersintheattic2021

What is she studying
Economics
OP posts:
ancientgran · 23/10/2021 21:47

The drama group saved my DD. She hadn't got the confidence to perform at first so did backstage stuff but she made friends and had quite a big role in the end of year production. She found the drama people very friendly and positive and lots of fun. Maybe worth a try?

1ranksenior · 23/10/2021 22:12

I feel your pain. My DD experienced this. Simply wasn't a good fit for her. Compounded by guilt from me who suggested that Uni/City would be best for her. It wasn't. After a few weeks it was too late to transfer, the other unis had closed admission. I advised wait until Xmas which she did and she then completed the first year, but never enjoyed it. She transferred to a uni in a city much more like her home city which had a number of her school friends. This new uni was a bit hopeless with the transfer, months waiting to find out if she could go straight into year 2, which she didn't, she started again, settled, completed the 3 years, made new friends, graduated with a good degree. The cost has been an extra year on her student loan and she was one year older when she entered the job market. But it all worked out in the end. Lesson learnt for me - don't interfere and try and influence, just offer advice. My DD also had a year out and went travelling pre-uni.
Good luck to you both, they can get 4 years for an undergraduate student loan for a reason, it happens to a lot of them.

RainingYetAgain · 23/10/2021 22:22

If it helps, I went home during my first term intending not to go back. This was in 1973. My DM took a hard line, sent me back and I made new friends, and graduated. I just needed to vent and learn to be more confident.

user1487194234 · 24/10/2021 08:51

In the 70s the culture was to do what your parents said!
It is different now
Can't actually get my head round the idea that you would persuade your adult child what Uni to go to or what to study

Original poster
Uniblues · 24/10/2021 09:24

@1ranksenior

I feel your pain. My DD experienced this. Simply wasn't a good fit for her. Compounded by guilt from me who suggested that Uni/City would be best for her. It wasn't. After a few weeks it was too late to transfer, the other unis had closed admission. I advised wait until Xmas which she did and she then completed the first year, but never enjoyed it. She transferred to a uni in a city much more like her home city which had a number of her school friends. This new uni was a bit hopeless with the transfer, months waiting to find out if she could go straight into year 2, which she didn't, she started again, settled, completed the 3 years, made new friends, graduated with a good degree. The cost has been an extra year on her student loan and she was one year older when she entered the job market. But it all worked out in the end. Lesson learnt for me - don't interfere and try and influence, just offer advice. My DD also had a year out and went travelling pre-uni. Good luck to you both, they can get 4 years for an undergraduate student loan for a reason, it happens to a lot of them.
Im glad it worked out.Flowers
OP posts:
vjg13 · 24/10/2021 09:51

@Uniblues

Shes now yelling me she doesn't want solutions but just wanted to talk, so hard as I just want to fix it lol.
My daughter likes to talk through her various problems and use me as a sounding board, I have to try really hard to not provide solutions but occasionally can sneak in some advice! The text messages sound more dramatic than the actual phone calls.