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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Daughter not happy at uni

64 replies

Uniblues · 23/10/2021 17:32

Just looking for some advice please. Dd is 19, she took a gap year and is her first year at a university 3.5 hours away.

She has thrown herself into partying/studying but after 5 weeks feels she has no ‘real’ friends and so far isn't enjoying the course, it doesn't help that the majority is online! She is quite fixated on the idea that everyone else has an instant group if mates in their accommodation but she hasn't gelled with hers.

Just looking for advice really please

OP posts:

Yourownpersonaljesus · 24/10/2021 19:23

My DD took a while to settle at her uni. She was really homesick and didn't really get on that well with her flatmates in halls in the first year. She met her friends through her course and her pt job. In her second year she stayed in halls (different flat) and loved her flatmates there. In her final year she lived in a shared house. I hope your DD can stick it out and meet like minded people. My DD ended up loving her time at uni and made some really good friends in the end. Good luck to you both.

Mmmwhattodo · 24/10/2021 19:26

Reading the advice here as my dd hasn't settled with her flatmates and is not wanting to share with them next year . I'm worried she won't find anyone to share with.

LIZS · 24/10/2021 20:33

It's very early to decide flat sharing groups for next year. There is no expectation that first year accommodation groups get on or share. Most unis have accommodation fairs in the Spring and online groups to match students up who need sharers.

hots0up · 25/10/2021 01:18

My DD is in a similar situation at Leeds - didn't get her first choice accommodation and also didn't immediately click with her flatmates, which has seemed to make things lot harder. She is very homesick but has started to make a few friends through her course and societies, still finding it quite lonely. All I can tell her is these things take time!

VanCleefArpels · 25/10/2021 07:05

@LIZS I’m afraid many unis have this mad rush to get signed up for rentals in jan/Feb if not before. My 2 kids were in this position and I know from my friends this was not unusual over many different places. Completely bonkers as they haven’t known each other long and many fall outs happen before they actually have to live together the following summer which is a nightmare.

vjg13 · 25/10/2021 07:43

The signing up for houses and flats so early does seem to very widespread. My daughter was looking at the weekend.

Fireflygal · 25/10/2021 08:07

The rush to sign up seems to be driven by landlords, rather than actual need.

Leeds has lots of student housing.

Op, it might be that she just needs to vent and will feel better however Leeds is a party city as well as opportunities for sports.
How's the course going? Has she studied Economics before, or is this new to her?

I really don't think everyone makes friends by now..it takes time/experiences to make friendships so reassure her of that.

She has opportunities for friends in her course, flat share and social activities so should find her people...might not be a gang but certainly a few.

wooliewoo · 25/10/2021 08:09

It really is far too early for 1st years to be deciding on accommodation for next year. I think they all just get caught up in it because they think everyone else is doing it!
Many unis have an accommodation fair about February and that's plenty time.

With my DD everything was going swimmingly in their 6 person flat at this point in 1st year but be Christmas one had moved flats and 2 of the others weren't speaking to each other!

It takes time to find their tribe and often its people on their course or societies and it can easily take all of 1st semester to really gel.

LIZS · 25/10/2021 08:20

@VanCleefArpels neither of ours had to do so until end of second term. Agree any frenzy is driven by fomo and rumour rather than need to do so.

Lovecatsanddogs · 25/10/2021 08:25

It depends on where the university is located as to whether the rentals are in more demand I guess due to short supply. I know my DS in Exeter there is a frenzy around this time to rent houses for next year. He has been in the same house for the last 3 years but changing campus next year so has had several viewings on his house already. The letting agents expect it to be reserved by next week for 2022/3.

VanCleefArpels · 25/10/2021 08:26

It’s a self fulfilling prophesy in the sense that second years tell freshers all the best houses get snapped up early, the local letting agents feed into this and lo and behold all the best houses are indeed snapped up early. I agree it’s total madness but would you be the student who takes a stand and say I’m not even thinking about it till Easter?? Unless there’s some legislation that says you can’t put a deposit down on a rental more than x months before the tenancy is due to start this will continue in many university towns and cities. It adds to the stress of the first term, worrying you haven’t found a suitable group etc etc

foolonthehill · 25/10/2021 13:59

Son at leeds is also miserable...not helped by the constant partying at Lupton...no sleep.
Uni keep sending stuff about accommodation for next year which is pressurising.
Lack of face to face teaching is a big problem with meeting like minded people and the societies have been absolutely rubbish at getting going after the virtual/online freshers fair.

Son is close to giving up but really likes 2/3 of his course (interestingly he says the economics is very poorly taught, I wonder if this is affecting your daughter?)...he's toughing it out for now.

Its horrible isn;t it...can't (and shouldn't) fix stuff for them but oh how my heart aches.
Ist chid loved uni last year and this so my first experience of this

MissConductUS · 25/10/2021 16:37

I'm always surprised by the housing arrangements at UK unis. I have two kids in uni in the US, and here they offer university housing to any student who wants it. Some chose to live off-campus, but they don't have to. They're also quite strict on noise and no partying rules. My son works as an RA (residence assistance) and he quite actively enforces the rules for his section of the dormitory he lives in.

Okaytellmewhatisavailablethen · 25/10/2021 18:09

"I’m afraid many unis have this mad rush to get signed up for rentals in jan/Feb if not before."

Yes, it seems to be October/November in some places, as pp have said. It can be very tricky for the students who haven't got a group by then (and as a pp has said it is very early to know that you want to live with someone next year!)

OP, did you say earlier on that your dd enjoys clubbing/socialising - is there a university or hall facebook page or student union page which organises evenings out? That might be a way to meet likeminded people? (I know you're not supposed to be suggesting ideas to her!)

Sympathies to your dd - it can be really difficult. Other students may be feeling the same, but that is not much help to her! I think there is a huge amount of luck involved in whether you gel with your flat, early acquaintances and so on.

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