Dd wants to 'find herself instead of going to uni...

[SausageCrush]

For several years Dd has known what subject she wants to study at uni and has tailored all of her volunteering/wok experience towards her goal. She was due to start in 2021.

Like many teens she has had a rough year and has become demotivated and bored by months of lockdown and self isolating. To cap it all we had a suicide in the family and this has tipped her into wanting to completely change her plans and go far away from here. To be honest I don't blame her and she has our full support. She says she will take her A levels and then take off.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any experience of this? She is not talking about a gap year. She wants to get a job, earn money, be independent, travel. She might decide in a year (or 5) that she really does want to go to uni. Any advice/suggestions/experience would be welcome as I'm feeling a bit adrift at her sudden change of direction...

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. Her decision sounds pretty wise.
Uni will always be there. There were a couple of mature students on my uni course and they were light years ahead in terms of motivation and organisational skills.
Significantly, most were now doing a different course to the one they had originally planned.
The only negative to her plans would be that I think it's unusually hard due to Covid to travel, pick up casual work etc.
If she can't find employment, what are her back-up plans?

Good for her! As a professor, I'd much rather teach people who are at university because it's the thing above all other things they want to do. Not because it's the inevitable 'next step.'

I have several degrees, as do both my parents. But 3 of my 5 siblings didn't go to university & I'd say one of them (an award-winning novelist) is probably the most publicly successful of us all.

Sometimes big life events (such as the suicide of a family member) motivate people to rethink their lives & their priorities. Good for your DD in doing so, and stepping off the middle-class educational treadmill.

Well done your dd! Going to uni just for the sake of it is a colossal waste of so much money and time; going if and when you really want to is such a different experience. I wish I had had her courage and sense at that age.

We've had an almost identical situation op (even down to the suicide) and my ds is a bit lost. He's asd though so staying close to home is his safety net but it's tricky.

I would suggest in the first instance to get a deferred place for uni rather than just not apply. She can always turn it down, but at least it's there should she want it when she returns. It means she won't need to think about applications while she is taking her time out.

Good for her! I went to uni, then got a job in a great field but one that wasn't for me, I hated it. So I went to do a second degree, in law, and it was only then that I found my 'vocation'. It was so much harder the second time, though. I was a brilliant student and I loved studying for both degrees, and definitely do not regret doing the first one, it gave me so much insight, so many friends and so many things to learn, but I sometimes wish I did it 'right' from the first time.

I think your DD is wise.

Her choice but do make sure you have a financial agreement with her over things. Eg I will fund my children at university without loans but not forever, just for the years after they turn 18 so if they hadn't gone but wanted to go 10 years after that I am not up for helping with that at that point as I am older and at a different life stage.

Has she got a plan for where she wants to go and how she's going to earn money to live? What are her expectations of how this is going to pan out? I'd definitely want to have a thorough conversation with her about it before she commits to anything. As long as she's going to be proactive and responsible and not just drift, I'd be supporting it as a perfectly reasonable life choice.

DS took three years out. When he did apply (a last minute decision and not without its stresses!) he was snapped up immediately with offers from good universities. It’s been a very good thing for him.
So sorry about the reasons behind your daughter’s decision though.

Tell her she doesn’t ‘find’ herself she ‘makes’ herself

My DD is doing the same as your DD is planning. DD finished college in July and has just signed a contract for a ‘proper’ job with good prospects.

The difference is DD doesn’t know what she wants to study at University. DD doesn’t want to go for the sake of it. The deal was she would find a full time job (she’s has a Saturday job since 16) in the hope it would help her focus on what she actually wants to do. I think she’s being sensible and is lucky to have got herself a job especially in this climate!

DD is in exactly the same situation, but a year down the line. I think it's been the ideal choice for her, she's been working & also fast tracked another A level subject in college to give her a bit more stimulation & social contact given Covid restrictions limiting volunteering / travel options.

Once things open up again she's got some ideas of specific work / volunteer placements she wants to look for, to decide whether her planned career option suits before applying to uni. Obviously some young people are much clearer & ready for it at 18, but I think dd definitely has a much better chance of picking the right thing for her with a bit more life experience under her belt.

In terms of financials, I don't charge her any rent because she's only working PT & saving for travel & for when she does want to go to uni, but she does a fair bit of shopping for the household & pays for all her own clothes / phone / hobbies etc etc. She also does plenty of cooking and general contributing to household functioning which I reckon will also stand her in good stead ongoing!

Sounds as if she's a sensible young woman with a good plan. DCs of friends have done this and they've got jobs as TAs at local private and state schools for the first year which has given them an income as well as plenty of time off. Might be worth your DD starting to approach schools soon if that's of interest to her.

DS started uni this year and one of his flat mates worked for an airline for three years before she applied. She seems really motivated and focused on where she wants to go now with her studies and career which is more than many at uni are.

I agree with PPs, let her do it. I have always been against the idea of going straight from school to uni, and think that most people will get more out of it if they have seen a bit of the world.

My DS is in his final year at university, both this year and last year have been totally fucked by Covid - he would have lost absolutely nothing by not going.

I think it's a sensible idea and one more people should choose, rather than do a degree that they never use and end up paying back for the next 30 years.
She may never go to uni and that's fine too. My husband didn't and by the time I graduated he was earning more than a graduate and had 3 years worth of experience and savings.

She is not talking about a gap year. She wants to get a job, earn money, be independent, travel

Good for her. Bloody wish I'd done this!

Is it easy enough for an 18-year old to earn enough in order to travel and be independent?

I think this could be wishful thinking. Doing what job? So many have disappeared and won’t come back. Most people go to university and that gives time and space to think about a career. So many degrees are not specific to any job. She will need to have disposable income to travel and working doesn’t give long holidays. Sounds a bit dreamy to me in the current climate of jobs disappearing.

Good for her. Universities aren't very good value right now.

In any other year I'd have said 'good for her' and 'really wise decision'.
Now?
I think there will still be an extremely limited job market. Whether she is talking about applying for what will start as permanent, full time jobs, or hoping to pick up bar work type roles, I think she will find it very difficult.
I also can't see "travel" being possible (or, at least, 'sensible' ) by then either.
I'd definitely be open to it, but I'd want her to have a good, realistic think about how long she was going to try to get a job for, or what her 'Plan B' was going to be.
If she can realistically choose between settling into full time work, and going to University, then yes, working makes sense for her.
If, however, she is choosing between studying, and getting a degree under her belt, living with new people in a new City and growing into adulthood, against sitting at home, unemployed, then I think the University place makes more sense.
I would encourage her to apply for University, with the option of not going - either deferring or rejecting the place - after results day in August when she will know if she has a job or not, and have a better idea of what the possibility of travel is, etc etc.

Take off where exactly? Doing what and living where? How will she support herself as a very young adult who's just turned 18?

Those are the questions I'd be asking her before clapping my hands and saying 'oh good for you!'

Of course uni isn't an option for everyone and nor should it be - but from reading your op, it all sounds very knee jerk in response to understandably distressing recent events and of this was my daughter I wouldn't be so quick to give it my seal of approval

People may say ' she doesn't need your approval' and that's as may be. But not many 18 year olds can just 'take off' without money, jobs and safe places to stay

Just thought I'd add a few words of caution to redress some of the more OTT posts on here

There are not many 'proper' jobs around for 18 year olds at the moment. However, there are quite a few jobs where you can do lots of hours to earn money - supermarkets, care assistants, warehouse work.

My DD travelled for minimal expense using www.workaway.info/en/hostlist#
She did two workaways during her gap year. It is a great way of meeting new people and learning new skills. ICS is worth looking at too. It is not active at the moment due to covid, but it is full of young people at crossroads in their lives.

Hopefully, by September there may be more proper jobs around and opportunities to travel.

I wish university wasn't seen as the be all and end all. It really isn't.

I left a levels half way through and went on a YTS (apprenticeship for you young uns)
I studied part time in the evening and with a day release from work and ended up fully qualified in my chosen field with no debt.

DH fancied around with his uni, leaving one degree part way through, in the end he didn't need to. He's a successful business owner.

You need ambition and a will to knuckle down in whatever you do that's all. Full time uni isn't what it once was....

Sounds like she's sensible enough to leave it until after she's taken her exams. It'll. e a great life experience for her, it could be she finds her role in life as part of it, or she comes home motivated and ready to go.

Either way I'm actually quite jealous of her

I think it’s a really mature decision.