Dd wants to 'find herself instead of going to uni...

[SausageCrush]

For several years Dd has known what subject she wants to study at uni and has tailored all of her volunteering/wok experience towards her goal. She was due to start in 2021.

Like many teens she has had a rough year and has become demotivated and bored by months of lockdown and self isolating. To cap it all we had a suicide in the family and this has tipped her into wanting to completely change her plans and go far away from here. To be honest I don't blame her and she has our full support. She says she will take her A levels and then take off.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any experience of this? She is not talking about a gap year. She wants to get a job, earn money, be independent, travel. She might decide in a year (or 5) that she really does want to go to uni. Any advice/suggestions/experience would be welcome as I'm feeling a bit adrift at her sudden change of direction...

We told both of our teens that they could do as they wish after school as long as it didn’t involve laying in bed and lounging about day after day. The had the choice of college, uni or finding a job as long as it made them happy.

I deferred my place at Uni for a subject I had been planning to do since I was 13. I got a job, loved the independence and cancelled my uni place. Worked my way up for ten years and then hit a ceiling when all the jobs I was applying for wanted me to have a degree, any degree. Which felt very unfair because I feel that a degree was pretty irrelevant to the jobs that were managerial based.

So last year I looked into higher education and realised that with the student loans and maintenance loans, I could afford to quit my job and go into full time education.

So that's what I've done this year, studying something I really love and enjoying every minute of it. It's working really well because my DD has just started school so I'm not worrying about childcare, or school holidays.

Not going to uni at 18 has pros and cons, but it doesn't mean that the door is closed forever, whatever she decides to do.

And I'm really sorry for your bereavement.

I think not having a degree can close doors and, as poster says, you can end up with a limited career. It’s a very different job landscape from YTS days in the 1980s. I worked on the scheme and it took very few dc who could have gone to university. They were 16 year olds who were not very academic. So they benefitted from training as opposed to academic study.

These days if you want any career with recognised qualifications you will be up against degree educated dc.

I would sit DD down and look realistically at jobs, pay and plans. Is this really about running away from life here? Do you both understand university funding and the loans available? Does she understand the “repayments” are a grad tax and most don’t repay the loans? Would she be lonely finding herself?

What type of work might she want eventually? Degrees from RG universities and a few others do confer better earnings. You cannot do some jobs without a degree. What a dc wants at 17/18 is not always the best thing to do. What about a degree with a year abroad? Or travel abroad afterwards? There are possibilities to have time abroad and go to university.

Good on her - I wish I had done that rather than what was expected. I had no idea what I wanted to do and applied to the first course in the UCAS book that I had the right A levels for and didn't make me think "no way". I even went on to do a PhD in it.... then I drifted into a shite job, unrelated to my course where I stayed for a bit and then drifted into another and another. At the age of 40 I retrained and am now in a job I love. I wish I had had the foresight to take a breath at 18.

But you might not have even considered your second career at 18? You didn’t even research your degree properly. Although I don’t understand why anyone dies a PhD in something they don’t like. Why do you think your younger self would have alighted in your current career? Highly unlikely. Also there were jobs available to you with your PhD. Very few with just A levels and saving enough to travel. It’s a different world now.

Thank you all for your mainly supportive messages - and for the words of caution!

Our life has been completely turned upside down this year by the suicide of my 20 year old son. He was a bright, sensible lad who managed to hide his MH problems from everyone. He was just about to start his third year at a prestigious uni doing a subject that he said he loved.

It has made us re-think everything.

Dd has spent a lot of time researching her options. At the moment she wants to finish her exams, travel with a friend over the summer and then work from September - either in this country or abroad. I am happy for her to leave home and get away from the memories here. She has lots of ideas and I think it will do her good. University seems to be a bit of a sausage factory and I only want her to be happy.

I will share your messages with her and we will have a financial chat too. We are happy to support her financially - as we would if she had gone to uni, but up to a point. I might need to remind her what 'independent' means in due course, but if she wants to live in Glasgow/York/Bristol or somewhere abroad and work in a coffee shop or a bar, I'm happy to go along with it for a year or two and see what happens...

Oh what an awful situation, so what she's planning makes sense.

As long as she gets her A levels under her belt she can always go to University later. My eldest 3 all went to University. DC1 got a 2:1 but has done nothing with it, DC2 dropped out in the first term but went on to an apprenticeship and a decent job, and DC3 failed the final exams and has never got around to finishing. Having seen this, DC4 declared Uni a waste of time and dropped out of school after AS levels. He has found so many doors shut because everything wants A levels.

I’m very sorry it’s been so tough for all of you.

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that many people who need wages to feed their families are desperate for work in bars and coffee shops. There might be a lot of competition.

Personally I don’t think university is a sausage factory. It’s what you make it. If you feel you can. Sometimes there is pressure from the DC to do well because they always have. A 2:1 is perfectly ok but some DC don’t see this and expect a 1st. Having other interests outside academia are vital in my view. I don’t know how you spot a dc isn’t thriving when they say they are ok. I don’t feel blame can be attached to anyone or institutions. However I think many DC can flourish if they don’t have to work solely at academics to keep up (in their mind). There should be fun and laughter too.

This is such a good plan by your DD, particularly given the very sad & painful death of her brother.

I hope she finds her passion!

DS wanted a year off but decided against it once we went into lockdown. He says that what is the point of a year off if jobs are so scarce and you can’t travel so he is forgetting about the gap year for the time being.

Personally, I would like him to take a year out BUT... the government has spent so much money as a result of Covid that I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a change to student loans’ provision in the next few years so... he may as well start ASAP.

When I left school I got a job as an estate agent (yeah yeah). I could not put my finger on it at the time but I just was not ready for uni. I was the office dogsbody but I was earning money and after a little while commission as well. I applied to uni for the following year and I don't regret it one bit. I grew up a lot in that year, saved some money and hit my course with a sense of purpose. Most of the gap year students who went off to 'find themselves' basically ended up just getting pissed in Thailand or similar.

Actually my DD "found" her strengths, career choice and inner self at university. She did some travelling as part of her Erasmus year and that had greater purpose. So I would still look for courses with a year abroad as part of them. They open up so many possibilites. Good luck in whatever she does though.

Such a devastating family bereavement for you all.
I think it is far too soon after for your DD to make any sort of decision although understandable that she is contemplating alternatives to university. I would advise that she keeps her options open by still applying for an university place (potentially for a deferred place).

I decided against going to uni while I was in college and got a full time admin job instead (so not really the same thing as your DD). When I changed my mind and went to uni 3 years later, I still went into uni halls but was so much more motivated with my uni work. There was a clear difference between older students and 18/19 year olds in terms of work ethic and dedication. I'd recommend everyone waits a while before going!

Where abroad? She'll need a working or working holiday visa almost everywhere these days. I doubt Australia will be open before 2022.

(So sorry to you all for the loss of your DS.)

And does what in the meantime? This is the 2021 problem. Jobs for the young are squeezed. What could be done and dreamed about, even this time last year, has changed beyond our imagination. At least going to university gives breathing space.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that makes it even more understandable that you want to support her on her journey.

If my dd wanted to postpone university, I would support her emotionally, but she would be on her own financially. She could still live at home, but would need to pay something approaching market rent and cover all of her expenses herself. My job is to support her while she gets her education so my financial support would kick back in when she went back to school.

Really sorry your family has had a tough time.

I’d generally say what your daughter is suggesting sounds fine. But these are not normal times, so I think she needs to build some clear plans of what she plans to do.

Given things are so changeable right now, could she defer a year to start, so if the world just won’t let her do what she hoped t she can return to education till things start to look up?

Other than that I think not saddling yourself with a lot of debt has many plus points, but I would try and sit down with her and make sure she does some stuff that will be useful to her, has financial plans in place - and knows there is nothing wrong with changing her mind.

She sounds like she has lots of get up and go so I’m sure it will all come good.

Oh op. My 18 y/o has been suicidal. It's awful. I'm so sorry for your loss. Under the circs I think letting loose and allowing fluidity is absolutely the right thing to do

Go for it!! I was in a similar position, decided to go traveling, work odd jobs until I found myself. Ended up working in an accounting firm and they paid for me to study!

I do think anecdotes of what posters six years ago are not addressing the great difficulties faced at the moment. Both regarding finding a job or travelling. Neither of which will be easy.

Also there is no debt incurred in going to university because it’s effectively a grad tax. Grads, the vast majority of them, won’t pay it off. It’s not like a bank loan. It’s important to understand that when making decisions. It’s obviously something the government could change but going to university isn’t likely to be seen as not desirable after Brexit.

six: did years ago

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it's understandable that everyone is re-valuating.
My dd is the same age and after a rejection from a university has lost a lot of her usual mojo and is saying she wants to take a year out to decide if it's what she really wants to do. In theory it's fine, but realistically I fear the options will be very narrow. The job market is utterly saturated atm, I know a pilot who is doing Amazon deliveries just to make ends meet and retail jobs are like gold dust now. There will be no (or very little) travel either, so not a typical gap year by any means.

Thank you for all your thoughts and suggestions.

Dd got her UCAS form in on the day of the deadline and has already received two offers. She is still 100% certain she will defer.

Like many she has found online learning very hard and is unmotivated. Since the funeral a couple of weeks ago she has gone downhill and school offered to have her in two days a week, which she jumped at. There are only a handful of (much younger) students and teachers in, but she is enjoying the change of scene and some different people to talk to. She's desperate for a return to the structure and routine of school - and seeing her friends again.

She has been researching rental prices in her chosen city (has friends there already) for September/October.

We just need to keep her going with the endless lockdown days. It's so hard for young people at the moment.