University 2020 :10: Empty nests warm vests and covid tests: uni parents 2020

[sammyjoanne]

Carry on from MilicentMartha's University 9 thead
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/a4025020-University-2020-9-And-theyre-off-making-hay-while-the-sun-shines?msgid=101075411#101075411

But every single one of us has a life which has been affected. That's exactly what I mean. I would have liked to have been able to see my MiL in her care home between February and last week when she passed away, but I couldn't. Teenagers are having to have a different experience to the one they thought they would have 12 months ago, so there seems to be little point in people on some forums constantly harping on about what has been lost. They were never going to have that experience under the circumstances and it probably wouldn't have been any better for them at home.

Uni gym ...face forwards and talk to each other whilst pretending to count down to your next set 9f exercises!

I think the bleating is a tentative suggestion that in some instances, the restrictions could be handled differently. I think fresh air could have been arranged, occasionally, for some self isolating students, as could better food arrangements. Choirs have been cancelled in some uni settings but not others, some care home residents have been denied visits some care homes have facilitated contact. Some students are tacitly let go home some not..why are some interpretation of the restrictions, in similar circs, so much more damaging than others? That is what I feel is happening when people dare to complain.
I certainly don't think it is unfair that students pay fees and acc costs, and they are certainly getting an enormous amount of input from uni but sometimes I feel there are decisions made from "management" that aren't entirely for benefit of anyone except ticking boxes. Fire safety and smokers allowed outdoors whilst self isolating being a good example.

My issue is with the parents who seem to think that their child has been psychologically harmed because they didn't have the opportunity to attend a fresher's week toga party and are expecting a full refund of fees as a result.

Quite.

Have to say ds is having the best time from what I can gather despite being in tier 3, despite having had Covid etc. He's just loving being with his peers, and living independently which to me was so important after months of sloth like behaviour at home. He actually said he'd done some hoovering and Laundry and had a haircut yesterday! I was staggered!! They're not getting the full uni experience, whatever that may be, but right now he's happy and learning a lot of life skills which is great.

Luckily Dgd having a great time in London. She's out again tonight having a meal with flatmates near the London eye. They go out Friday and Saturdays sometimes only once a week together ( depending on how much work they all got) been Covid free and trying to enjoy themselves as best they can b4 London goes into Tier 3 which they think won't be long.☹️. What's gets my goat parents moaning more than the DC. Dgd having good time, yes it could be better and yes she had no fresher's week to mention but she still had fun that week sightseeing visiting other bars etc. Yes almost all online learning but thankfully interspersed with campus visits a couple of times a week. So some ftf and help always available if needed. But it's the parents going on about they aren't having the right experience like they should etc. Dgd says she's overloaded with work and doubts she could socialise much more than she does because if it. After all they r there to learn first aren't they?

@Hoghgyni

My issue is with the parents who seem to think that their child has been psychologically harmed because they didn't have the opportunity to attend a fresher's week toga party and are expecting a full refund of fees as a result.

I don't think anyone actually thinks that. I don't have much time for the parents bleating on about proms and festivals this summer, I am sure the kids will get over it, and catch up, if not next year the year after.

However, if you are paying £9K a year for not very much, it's not unreasonable to be annoyed (and some students do pay upfront but even if you don't, you will be paying it back eventually assuming you earn enough). And it is true that the universities told the students there would be some face to face teaching because they needed the accommodation fees. And now of course there is little or no face to face teaching.

That's good to hear Sost & Specialted.

DD says she did more work during her self isolation than she did in an entire term of A level history. I do wonder whether being forced to stay in made her realise that she wouldn't be able the coast any more after 7 months without formal study. Every cloud....

DS first f2f session yesterday was cancelled and they are going into tier 3 on Monday so I guess that means more time in their flat. He seems OK which is quite impressive as I don't think he would have coped with the first lockdown if he hadn't had a job to go to 6 says a week. He needs to be busy!

DS is also enjoying his 'freedom' (has been self isolating for the last 5 days due to positive flat mates, so I'm qualifying this for this week) and living independently, getting on with studying and making new friends. He was having face to face tutorials but he is having to SI and his tutorial partner has Covid. It seems they are all trying to make the best of things and are at least having new experiences (whilst many of us parents have groundhog day, day after day!)

@LetUsPrey

I’d hoped they’d avoid it too but the person who’s tested positive has been going home at the weekends so that can’t really have helped. Oh well.

Thank you again for all the suggestions which I’ll take on board and also tell DS1 about. I can be quite anxious so to have straightforward, helpful advice and knowing that I’ve got somewhere to ask these questions is a huge help.

Iceland also do the Greggs steak bakes. DS2 is a big fan.

@LetUsPrey that's what we're all here for!

DD did football the other day. Football, shes never took an interest in it. My dad runs a girls football team and for years always wanted his granddaughter to join and she always said no lol. So shes now doing that to be more social with 5 other people.

@specialted Glad your DS is having a great time with his flat mates. For students who have got on well with flat mates, and gone through restrictions or SI, seemed to have got much closer. Independent living, seeing the city, meeting new people is so enriching :)

@Sostenueto Sounds great going out for a meal and seeing London all lit up at night with friends.

DH had long chat with ds2. He sounds well and chipper although he still cannot smell much. He says playing football with some others in his flat always attracts a few more for a kick around but then there is a bit of a sad feeling when you cannot go out for a beer after in the college bar (he imagines this is what usually happens). He said in tier 3 it is annoying not being able to go out for drinks without a substantial meal: he claims no one in household can afford 12 plus 4 for drinks in one sitting..I said to DH,vwhy don't they eat lentils and save up for one night a week out, but this is a middle-aged way of looking at it apparently!!
He said once a week, a random pied Piper figure appears with a boom box and lures other randoms out of their flats, who follow the music off into the distance where they walk around chatting at 2m: he says this literally the only way to "party" or meet with people outside your 12 housemates. But most look out the window and frown at the boom box person, who is seen as dangerous saboteur. He says everyone terrified of being fined for cross fertilisation.
Also he complained, or shall I say mildly reproached those course members who refused to show their faces in course seminars. The ones who did show their faces he could now recognise if he met them on campus at a distance which helped increase his "circle". Refused to come home at present cos "it's not allowed". So an informative chat!!

Ds2 says he can at least smell washing powder. Then dh said, what about curry..can you smell that..oh I don't have curry cos they are too much and I never finish them. What about saving leftovers for next day? He seemed to think this very very odd idea..and most unhygienic.

I actually think that the ‘freshers week ‘ is no great loss . I think the ones who really enjoy it are few and far between and more many it is a stressful and pretty lonely experience . What I do think is sad is the loss of many other smaller social experiences which enable people to meet and expand themselves out of their comfort zones. Things like drama, debating, many indoor sports, music have been hit very hard

@Hoghgyni

There has been a lot of bleating on (not here) about how the poor lambikins are missing out on the whole university experience. It seems to me that they've created their own experience and, for the most part, have realised that things would be no better at home doing what they had or hadn't been doing since March. I think we should be really proud of how they are managing.

Whilst it's great that your dc seems to be enjoying university life, there are many who really aren't. I think it depends greatly on how much f2f they are having, which household they have found themselves in, where they are at university etc etc . To use the words "bleating" and "lambikins" seems to be tone-deaf to other young peoples' situations. Many of them were lured to university with the promise of f2f and haven't had any at all. In the case of my dd, she was in self isolation with Covid on weeks 2 and 3 and for most of it, didn't have warm food in spite of being in a catered hall. She hasn't stepped foot in her faculty in five weeks. I am glad that my dd can express how she feels about this diminished (though expensive) university experience.

You've obviously missed my posts about how DD was in SI whilst discovering a very close family member was receiving end of life care and passed away shortly afterwards. Perhaps that has clouded my judgement, but parents whinging on about how their DC missed out on freshers week has got tedious. DD hasn't had a single F2F session either, but she really didn't expect to given what's going on in the real world.

I'm reluctant to step in here as I'd really rather this thread remained a supportive place for all of us - but what I will say is that I saw one lad being interviewed by the BBC about his halls lockdown and he actually said 'I don't agree with it, we are meant to be having the time of our life.' Er no, you're not meant to be- privilege in a nutshell. Good time, yes I hope so, and in the context of all of this, most of them probably are one way or another. But honestly - I can't imagine WW2 call up being met with a generation saying 'it will interfere with the best time of our life so it's a no from us.'

I think it's possible to be supportive of our DC's disappointments while also helping them to develop resilience and perspective. Peace and Love.

Yes, I agree with the last bit so much. I remember John Cleese talking about his mother, who used to get in a state if anything went wrong for him as a small child, cut finger, burnt toast, and he ended up endlessly having to conceal emotion for fear of setting her off, or reassure her for the problem (his cut finger)

I used to get v upset on ds1 behalf when he was about 11, to the extent that I had to unlearn that way of defending him. So I notice people who get v invested, sometimes too invested.

But our now adult children have themselves the right to express their feelings, not suppress into some group think without any critical faculty

Yes, some very valid concerns and different experiences for students depending on where they are, who they are with and how easy they find it to mix.

Having very limited social mixing means that if they don't get on with their flatmates they can have a miserable time, and can't join the societies where they would "find their tribe" - this is like the DS of a friend who is lovely but quirky and ended up in a flat full of people who just wanted to drink, throwing shot glasses out of the window, leaving the kitchen in a complete tip and he can't get away from them.

People with en suite catered accommodation who have had no opportunity to meet their bubble, for example in the Pollock hall in Edinburgh where they eat at exam tables and might not speak to anybody for days. If they have to SI, they are confined to their room with no escape for 2 weeks, with food delivered to their door like an animal.

DS's GF is OK, she is in a flat of 5 in a tier 3 city. 2 have gone home, 1 of the others is nocturnal and the other just plays FIFA all the time. It is very lonely and if she was less resilient it could break her.

It is great to see that some people have landed with a group of people they get on with and are managing to make the most of the the experience, but this is a rubbish time to be starting a degree and I think they are one of the most unlucky groups in society in terms of the influence of COVID.

@Nettleskeins

I think in tier 3 you can still play university organised sport, and go to some gyms. You can still meet for a socially distanced walk too though not according to PP a chat or a picnic. Am I right there?

Uncle Vanya seems to be booking at Lancaster cinema, am I seeing it right? Would like to persuade ds2 to go. Only on for one night in ds1 tier 2 city, and that is night he gets out at midnight, 1st Nov.

Still, there is His Dark Materials to keep us chatting about TV. When ds1 was a fresher we used to talk about each Dr who episode when it was over

Tier 3 you can go for a socially distanced walk. DD met a physics friend in Alex square and had a good chat, and are going for a walk round woodland walk. Our youngest DD (shes 15) loves his dark materials and she cant wait till the new season. It is a good program I watched the first season too.

I havent heard about a piper but there was someone with a boom box at grizedale about 3 weeks ago and people outside having a dance. DD was woken up by it, and then porters shut it down.

DD went to the study room on Wednesday, and turned out about 10 pound for a meal and a drink then went back to the house. No longer ''pre's'', the house calls them ''posts' so they drink when they get home after the meal.

DD is in a household of one in catered halls with random food delivered to her door during SI. It was a bit of a lottery working out if the meal delivered had any resemblance to the meal listed. Roast beef became chicken fricassee pasta, chicken tacos were actually fish etc.

Whatever happens, I do think this Covid generation will be bonded by their experiences. Better learning to cope than another toga party or a lousy night at a rubbish nightclub trying to pretend you are having the 'experience' of your life. Expectations were ramped ever higher for uni over past 10 years or so and mostly around the huge and impersonal social life whereas now it's about small groups based in accommodation and appreciating small things. As someone said upthread, they are doing new things while the rest of us live through groundhog days. DD seems to be happier than DS who is finding school hard going although he is much younger so not in a crucial year.
All I hope is that if students are ahead of the curve they aren't left feeling it's better not to come home to families and home towns that are reaching the peak during December.

Tier 3:

Meeting with family and friends...

...You may continue to see friends and family you do not live with (or have formed a support bubble with) in groups of 6 or less in certain outdoor public spaces, such as:

parks, beaches, countryside, forests public gardens (whether or not you pay to enter them), allotments outdoor sports courts and facilities, and playgrounds

When you do so, you must not meet in a group of more than 6. In England, this limit of 6 includes children of any age...

...When meeting friends and family you should also:

follow social distancing rules when you meet up
limit how many different people you see socially over a short period of time.

Nothing about only being able to go for a walk and not sit down with a picnic or whatever in the general rules for England.

www.gov.uk/guidance/local-covid-alert-level-very-high#meeting-with-family-and-friends