Oxford and Cambridge current students - discussion thread for anyone with daughters, sons etc there for Michaelmas 2020 (and not just freshers!)

[DadDadDad]

A continuation thread for those attending Oxbridge for the first time this term, but it makes sense to throw it open to anyone with a DC there (or other family member, or maybe you're a student yourself or teach / work there - all welcome!) Share your thoughts and questions on college life, courses, etc. A certain virus has made it a bit different for everyone this year...

I have a DS who is a fresher at a small Oxford college in a small subject. We will be taking him there in just over a week.

Ugh, I don't know what's worse, the sexist banter or the PC over sensitivity. Luckily (hopefully) most people will fall between these two extremes. Please reassure her that she will meet plenty of kind and chivalrous boys at O. I'd be willing to bet that the DSs on this board fall into that category anyway (judging from their lovely parents).

Thanks for sympathy and reassurances. She knows there will be decent boys and lots of girls, it’s just so unfortunate that she’s not encountered any of either group yet!

As she says, one good thing about Covid regulations is that she won’t really need to see any of her “family”. As long as she’s not in a household with any of them (please God, please please God).

That's genuinely shocking from the freshers on the chat. Funnily enough I was just discussing with DS the various workshops that he will be doing over the next few days. I assume there will be one about consent. DS and I were reflecting that people who need these things aren't likely to be persuaded by a workshop... though I guess they could at least realise that there may be unpleasant consequences for themselves if they don't follow guidelines.

In this case these characters could find themselves in hot water before they even arrive -- though I doubt @deFleury 's DD would want to report them.

FWIW I don't imagine my DS would have been very happy with this sort of "banter" any more than my DD would have been.

As for "identify as female" -- for goodness' sake. Does she have to say "XX chromosomes"?!

DS's family is very quiet and conventional. Mum, dad and two sons, all doing engineering. Hope your DD quickly identifies some reassuringly normal people, deFleury.

Late to this thread.

Like @DadDadDad - I have a DS starting at a small college doing a small subject (he is the only one they took this year in his college. But it is a joint honours so there are, thankfully, other Freshers doing the separate disciplines as stand alone subjects or jointly with another subject.) His College Mum and Dad however, are Historians which threw him a bit as he;d been told they'd be connected to his subject.

He's made loads of online friends so far and is auditioning for the college choir today. We're dropping him off this weekend. Can't believe the time has crept up on us finally. Looking forward to the joy that is the annual traffic jam, and to having a lovely goodbye lunch with him.

Oh good grief @deFleury - I really hope they didn't put her off. Horrible attitude. Please remind her that college 'families' are only supposed to be an intro to a few faces. If she doesn't get on with them, she never has to deal with them. She's more likely to bond with her staircase friends and study group in her given subject. But if they carry on like that I'd report them. It's the kind of talk that got those boys expelled from Warwick last year. She shouldn't be intimidated before she even arrives. And it's a bad system that puts one girl with four boys, let alone 'identifies as female' . Can you suggest she focuses on connections within her subject and any clubs she's looking to join.

@deFleury that’s not on at all for your DD. She could ask to have a chat with a welfare tutor and explain the issue. They can then take it up as general points for all in Fresher orientation. Many Colleges also run consent training and Good Lad initiative workshops. That behaviour is not on.

Thanks for all the advice. I was wondering if my horror at what she was reporting was an overreaction/protectiveness. But thinking about it, if it were any of your daughters getting those messages I would be just as outraged.
There are a few things that she felt verged on reportable and I know she screenshotted them (in case she is put in household bubble with the wee gobshites and needs evidence quickly of why this doesn’t work for her) but of course she doesn’t want to cause trouble or be labelled a troublemaker. I’ll see if she will show me those screenshots, and stay more on top of what’s happening.

Sorry to hear that deFleury. Comments like that are horrible, especially when you don't know anyone yet.

I have warned my dd that she may well come up against this sort of thing and not to take any crap but to report it. I may also have inadvertently suggested a more physical comeback involving kicking of bollocks.

Agree Kaveman. It's a hostile environment, especially as they didn't back down after she piped up. If I ran the college I'd want to know and amp up those workshops to detail what isn't acceptable. Wanting to work your way through the female freshers in your college doesn't seem very collegiate. They aren't seeing these females as equals or potential friends. They need to wake up. These are grown young women who know their worth and won't accept this sort of environment. A discussion of the Warwick situation wouldn't hurt.

If anyone has a DC at Cambridge who has any sort of issues like @deFleury DD, there’s a University wide Breaking the Silence campaign around sexual harassment and assault. That offers bystander training, but is a useful resource to quote from if needed to get any College parents on board in calling out and squashing that kind of behaviour: www.breakingthesilence.cam.ac.uk/prevention-support/be-active-bystander

I’m not sure if Oxford has anything similar @deFleury but I would hope so. for your DD

defleury that's awful. I'm sure your daughter will meet some nice people soon.

A strange year to start but after a ruined "gap year" at home with his parents I'm so glad my son is getting to meet some people and have some independence. Thank God also that there will be face to face supervisions.

He has a stash of food and vodka but I can't see there being any left be the time of any lockdown.

He's indecently chipper about being stuck in Cambridge for Christmas

Glad to see that Cambridge has that sort of support set up. I didn’t intend to derail this lovely supportive thread so suffice to say DD just showed me the chat and I’m even more aghast. If any established Oxford parents with advice, or anyone with experience in general of supporting girls through considering reporting harassment, would PM me then I’d really appreciate it.

And if college family members come to say hello during the moving in time that I’m there then God help the wee gobshites...

You didn't derail the supportive chat at all @deFleury. I'm glad we have been able to provide moral support and a sounding board. Hope someone will be able to give you some practical tips.

DS (O) has recently completed online consent training as part of the registration process and he assumed it was university wide.

@deFleury I'm sorry, I'm not an Oxbridge parent, but an ancient alumni, curious to see how the colleges are coping with Covid and therefore lurking on here.

However, I had to post as I'm horrified by what you're posting. Back in my day there was some pretty repellent behaviour from young men, and it would be good to think that attitudes had moved on. This is totally unacceptable from all the men involved, and needs to be addressed. I'm not familiar with current pastoral arrangements in colleges, so my advice would be unhelpfully outdated, but I would suggest that she might find some really helpful peer support from her college JCR Women's Officer (assuming they still exist). She may be able to find out who that is online and contact them now. I hope you get some more up to date advice from someone who can help you help your daughter.

That's awful @deFleury - how horrible for your poor DD.

Do those stupid boys not follow the news? Durham University have just withdrawn a fresher's place following an investigation into 'abhorrent online posts' www.theguardian.com/education/2020/sep/23/durham-university-withdraws-freshers-place-over-abhorrent-online-posts

I would definitely consider contacting the welfare officer - and as for lecturing her on what a woman is... FFS

Shocked. And @JulesJules agree re lecturing her on what a woman is. The boys can 'somehow' identify the females when maligning, harassing, stalking or hunting them.

That is grim deFleury. It makes me thankful that DD has a single sex staircase - although I hate to think how unclean it will be by the end of the first week.

Been on the verge of typing in all afternoon. Just so depressing that there are so many ways to make a young woman feel bad in 2020. Hope your DD is ok @deFleury.
College training on consent and awareness in the Freshers’ timetable at C for DD.

If not insensitive; lots of bonding with like minded people for DD , guitars are being played in rooms. Am confident they will very shortly discover Joni Mitchell and Fleetwood Mac. Punting trip today sounded more like coasteering. Am sure the right people are out there for all our DC.

That is a dreadful introduction to Oxford, deFleury, and I would absolutely encourage your DD to report it to college welfare. It is completely unacceptable.
DD (now a grandmother!) says families at her college are a little larger than usual and have been organised a little later.

Defleury - at DD's Oxford college there is training on what's appropriate - related to consent partly, but also covering this sort of thing I think. It's mandatory. Please do try and encourage her to report to a women’s rep.

That is really good to hear Coleoptera He might be able to let maintenance know the mattress has had it via an online reporting thing. The team at dds college are surprisingly responsive.

@Coleoptera, lovely to hear about DT1. I hope it gives you a sense of mission accomplished.

@deFleury, I'm absolutely speechless about your DD's 'family'...where the hell do these young men come from??? I'm sure she doesn't want the work or the responsibility of re-educating these morons, but it's certainly worth notifying those who do have a chance of steering their behaviour, that is the college and those running the consent workshops that freshers go to.

Got to say if I were running a consent workshop and someone gave me a case study like this I would not hesitate to anonymise it and use it.

Can I be a total killjoy I'm really nice in real life, and I know all of your D.C. are adults. But please can you impress upon them the importance of social distancing. I was trapped in the corner of Pret in Oxford yesterday lunchtime waiting for my coffee surrounded by very excited freshers huddling together.

Cases are rising and those of us who live and work in the city are really concerned. Hopefully the vast majority will be very sensible and have as good a freshers week as they can given the circumstances.

Over and out.