How can I help my dd - on the point of quitting Uni (additional needs - acute anxiety)

[LimitIsUp]

I have posted this on Higher Education because dd is at a University for her Art Foundation Diploma (a precursor to a degree in creative arts) and has a place in halls, so although it is a one year course and not a BA / BSC equivalent, its still at a Uni and the 'experience' is analogous

DD's course started on 14 September so we are coming up to end of the second week. I am putting a lot of time and effort into supporting her at the moment and trying to stop her from quitting.

She has anxiety - particularly social anxiety and I suspect she may also be on the spectrum (planning on getting an assessment) and easily gets overloaded.

Her course is typically two days per week with zoom tutorials, two days of week with 'nothing' (private study) and one studio day.

She is struggling with the lack of direction from tutors - having been much more closely guided on course requirements with regular feedback on her progress at Sixth form college. This isn't really happening on this course. The transition to a more self directed learning approach is not coming easily - its not that she can't do it, its because she believes that she can't do it (lack of confidence)

She finds it very hard in her apartment. The other four girls in there are polite and personable (say hi when they see each other) but are not very outgoing. DD isn't outgoing either - she would like friends but is crippled by social anxiety (think off the scale shyness). She has made friends in the past when people have made an effort with her and patiently given her time to come out of her shell (she's actually good company and fun when she gets to know people). I don't think this is going to happen in her apartment - note - I am not criticising the other girls in her apartment. It isn't their responsibility to look after my dd - just saying that I don't see friendships emerging from her flatmates - and tbh there are no other opportunities to be friendly with anyone else due to Covid.

She has only spent 3 nights in her accommodation last week and so far has spent 1 night in her accommodation this week. We live 40 minutes away so she comes home - its hard to persuade her to stay when most of the course is online. I can't do 'tough love' when she is on the phone begging to come home and having panic attacks (nor do I think that's appropriate). I do encourage her to stay as much as she can bear and point out that coming home is self sabotaging

I don't know what to do - she's not coping

Sorry, I know its long!

Sorry I don't have any advice but have similar issues with my DD who has just started uni. I have done some tough love but goodness only knows where I go from here.

Yes I feel the same. Hopefully someone will come along with words of wisdom for both of us

Yes, fingers crossed. I'm at a complete loss as what to do.

I don't know what to do - she's not coping

Let her come home. No course will ever be as important as her mental health and how she feels.

I am putting a lot of time and effort into supporting her at the moment and trying to stop her from quitting.

It sounds as if the support she needs is support to leave.

I really dislike 'tough love' as a concept.

She isn't enjoying the course, doesn't like her living situation, is unhappy and anxious, is having panic attacks and begging to come home. What on earth is the benefit of staying that is enough to outweigh all that? Support her to come home. Maybe university isn't right for her now. Maybe another path is better for her. Maybe this path will be the right one in the future. But it doesn't sound like the right one now, so why insist she remains on it?

Yes, that option is on the table emptyshelvesagain, it really is and she knows that, but we (her and I) would both like her to be able to do this, because if she doesn't stick with it then it doesn't bode well for the future.

If she can somehow stick with this and it improves, then its an experience she can tap into in the future when she has similar experiences (i.e. I did it once, and it got better so I can do it again)

She can call time on it though if its making her ill. At the moment she is teetering but still trying

we (her and I) would both like her to be able to do this, because if she doesn't stick with it then it doesn't bode well for the future.

I disagree. It's ok to quit. It's ok to realise something is too big right now. There is no big future lesson to be learned here by making her stay. She is not coping. That's the single most important factor right now.

The social demands of uni and living in halls can be intolerable for autistic people. I didn’t live in halls because the idea filled me with horror, frankly!

Tough love won’t work for her either.

Is there an option of changing to a different uni and commuting from home?

My dd is doing art foundation like yours. She lives at home and commutes an hour each way. So far it has been three days in college a week the rest online. Social life going well, although all masked up in studio etc.
We wanted her to live out but it hasnt been a problem to her, staying at home. She feels more independent and grownup even without moving into halls/acc.
It is a full on course, I think being at home has just allowed her to concentrate on education and social side without other demands.

Okay emptyshelvesagain - thanks for that perspective - I am open to that outcome, genuinely. However, if she comes home she needs to do something and I suspect that default will be just staying at home and not doing anything particularly

She doesn't hate all of it. She does enjoy the course content - but she is struggling with not getting as much coaching from the teachers as she did in sixth form

She will be coming home tonight after her studio day today (tomorrow is online zoom) so we have plenty of opportunity to talk it through.

I am not one for somebody sticking something out when its distressing them, but I don't really think that bailing after two weeks is desirable either if it can be avoided and when there may be some hope of things looking rosier in a week or two

Hi OP, so sorry to hear about this situation that your DC is going though. Is your DC enjoying the course at all? It is very early days within the course, so I would see how your DC is coping a couple of weeks down the line to see if she's settled into the course and got used to the University setting a bit more. Obviously with Covid, everything is a bit different University wise, however, if your DC is not enjoying the living situation, she may prefer to stay at home and go in when she needs to, i.e. for the studio day/using the Library, etc. In regards to keeping up with work, there are usually pastoral teams within University that can assist with work and if your DC requires any additional help or adjustments to help her learn, do try and contact them if you haven't spoken to them as of yet. Wishing you and your DC all the best

Nettleskeins - your dd has 3 days studio time per week? Wow - thats a lot better than dd's course

Why can she not come home?she can commute in for her one face to face day. What is achieved by making people unhappy. It is a weird experience at uni this year.
My own daughter is on a sandwich year in london which has turned into a very expensive working from her flat year. I have already told her we will collect her to come home for a couple of months if rhey roll out further restrictions. She is making the most of things at the moment secure in the knowledge we will not expect her to tough out things . Have no idea what that would achieve

I would let her come home but continue with the course, a 40 minute commute isn't too onerous . I think it's pretty hard for university freshers at the best of times (and covid has clearly made everything harder), they are sold an image of amazing friends and wonderful experiences but the reality is often very different. Does she have a plan for after this foundation year? If she can complete it whilst living at home she might be better prepared next year to do her degree?

The transition to a different learning style is very difficult and not at all unusual. They are used to being (to some degree or other) spoon fed and then bam! straight into organise yourself, find out stuf yourself, no one to advise or guide etc etc. This bit takes patience but will come.

The social aspect is more tricky. Even in normal times flinging a group of random 18 year olds together in a domestic setting is a minefield and actually it’s more miraculous if good friendships DO come out of it than not. One small mercy is that the flatmates are not party animals which would be 20 times worse for your daughter.

Are there any activities outside the flat she can steel herself to join / meet people? Could you agree a schedule of home visits a little further apart so that she sticks it out a bit but knows there’s a home visit on the horizon?

Such a tough time for them this year restrictions on normal going out and making friends during freshers.

If my daughter I would get her home for a bit, work on a plan for her to go back later. Most of lecturers are on line anyway - maybe get her to go back the afternoon before the studio day and have one night there a week. Build her time their slowly.

Just time and patience and understanding are needed right now - talk to her ask her what she would like to do.

It is a v large university in suburbs of london btw..
An acquaintance has child with diagnosis of autism doing same course, again commuting an hour from home. Dd is shy, not very confident in her art skills, quite needy but the commutting has been good for self independence and every day there is the chance to recharge, take stock. And of course revert to old friends if necessary.

Get her out of there!!! A lot of foundation students live at home, as the tuition is free in the year you turn 19, so it is a natural.corollary to save the accomm too. Dd does babysitting to make some money, again easier from home but another independence enhancer.

Can she give up her accommodation and do her course living at home - at least for the first year? 40 minutes isn’t a massive commute and she might find it easier knowing she has that safe space to come home to?

Kingston

Just picking up on this point

She has made friends in the past when people have made an effort with her and patiently given her time to come out of her shell

This part stood out to me as something she's really not giving a chance to develop. If she's not in her accommodation this won't happen. The passing hellos eventually lead to chatting while the kettle boils, to drinking coffee, to eating separately in the shared space, to meals together, to friends. I'd try encouraging her to stay a few more evenings at her digs, even if it doubles from 1 night then home, to 2 nights then home. Maybe friendships will form and that will give her some support.

I totally understand the course is possibly a bigger issue, and that it must be incredibly hard. As someone said - it's ok for it to be too hard right now .

"I would let her come home but continue with the course, a 40 minute commute isn't too onerous"

She's currently doing a 'blend'. She is at home 4/5 days out of 7 but trying to stay two nights per week at the accommodation (typically going the night before a studio day - since studio days begin at 9 am, and staying the evening of the studio day and returning home the next day).

If she can't cope this year with student accommodation what will she do next year when she starts a Fine Arts Degree - possibly two or three hours away from home?

DarkMutterings - that's exactly my thinking.

She needs help to manage her anxiety and panic attacks, when she can manage these she will be more able to work on the social aspect and gain more confidence.

I'm a hypnotherapist and I am working with many first year uni students who are experiencing anxiety (some with autism). It is a safe and brilliant method of helping them to get in control of anxiety and panic attacks. Once they get in control of their anxiety they can look at ways to improve the social side. Hypnotherapy is based on the latest neurological research.

Have a look at the Association of Solution Focused Hypnotherapists website - they have a register of students who offer sessions free of charge. She can have sessions on line -she just needs a tablet or laptop. Try it - it will work wonders - what has she got to lose?

Feel free to PM me for more information on how hypnotherapy works. I am happy to explain it to you. So many students are struggling at the moment...covid has escalated a lot of people's anxiety.

I'd agree 2 weeks is early in normal circumstances but given you are fairly close I'd let her come home but continue with the course. As others have said a 40 minute commute is nothing and is a good way to build independence.