How can I help my dd - on the point of quitting Uni (additional needs - acute anxiety)

[LimitIsUp]

I have posted this on Higher Education because dd is at a University for her Art Foundation Diploma (a precursor to a degree in creative arts) and has a place in halls, so although it is a one year course and not a BA / BSC equivalent, its still at a Uni and the 'experience' is analogous

DD's course started on 14 September so we are coming up to end of the second week. I am putting a lot of time and effort into supporting her at the moment and trying to stop her from quitting.

She has anxiety - particularly social anxiety and I suspect she may also be on the spectrum (planning on getting an assessment) and easily gets overloaded.

Her course is typically two days per week with zoom tutorials, two days of week with 'nothing' (private study) and one studio day.

She is struggling with the lack of direction from tutors - having been much more closely guided on course requirements with regular feedback on her progress at Sixth form college. This isn't really happening on this course. The transition to a more self directed learning approach is not coming easily - its not that she can't do it, its because she believes that she can't do it (lack of confidence)

She finds it very hard in her apartment. The other four girls in there are polite and personable (say hi when they see each other) but are not very outgoing. DD isn't outgoing either - she would like friends but is crippled by social anxiety (think off the scale shyness). She has made friends in the past when people have made an effort with her and patiently given her time to come out of her shell (she's actually good company and fun when she gets to know people). I don't think this is going to happen in her apartment - note - I am not criticising the other girls in her apartment. It isn't their responsibility to look after my dd - just saying that I don't see friendships emerging from her flatmates - and tbh there are no other opportunities to be friendly with anyone else due to Covid.

She has only spent 3 nights in her accommodation last week and so far has spent 1 night in her accommodation this week. We live 40 minutes away so she comes home - its hard to persuade her to stay when most of the course is online. I can't do 'tough love' when she is on the phone begging to come home and having panic attacks (nor do I think that's appropriate). I do encourage her to stay as much as she can bear and point out that coming home is self sabotaging

I don't know what to do - she's not coping

I would give her a key to home and let her know that she can come home whenever she feels like it. Without fear of judgement if she moves home permanently.
That may give her the reassurance of a safety net which might be all she needs.
Moving away to uni is hard enough at the best of times but under the spectre of Covid it must be bloody awful.

Op I think on this foundation course, if it's the one I think (I think I remember you from another thread!), quite a few of the students live at home, even in 'normal' years, so your dd wouldn't be doing anything unusual if she decided to do that. On the other hand if she's committed to the accommodation fees she might as well spend a couple of nights a week there if she can stand it, to get used to a bit of independence?

Like another pp I'd say don't think about next year - one day at a time seems the best approach at the moment in these strange times. The flats don't always gel, although oddly it's often the ones that get on amazingly well in week one that then implode, so your dd may come to get on well with her flatmates! Could she leave a note suggesting they eat together one evening - problem is that if she does that and nobody 'bites' she'll feel even worse!
Many sympathies to your dd and you - I think it can be really difficult at the best of times, and these are very far from that, with all the corona restrictions and reduced ftf time.

I'm going through similar with my dd at the moment.
She's been at uni for two weeks and is really down again this evening.
She suffers badly with anxiety. I thought things were looking up as she met some others doing her subject last weekend and seemed to be settling in.
But no matter how much I tell her she must, she won't reach out and ask others to meet up. She's just waiting to be asked all of the time. I've told her time and time again to message them to suggest lunch or something but she hasn't. It's so frustrating.
So she's now ended up with nothing to do this weekend and she's utterly miserable yet again. Says she wakes up sad each day so doesn't feel like speaking to anyone. She's now got so low she can't see the positive in anything and can't see a way out of this.
I honestly thought she'd had a good week. Her messages seemed positive but now speaking to her this evening I feel so upset again at the thought of her being there so miserable on her own.
I don't know how to support her. I've suggested she contact student welfare but she's so shy she won't.
Can I ring them? Would they contact her if I told then how she is struggling. I don't know what to do.
I honestly don't think she'll last much longer there. But this has been her dream for so long. Her course has some lab sessions so she can't do it all from home.
We don't have any unis close by so no chance of coming home and staying on the course. She will have to live away from home wherever she goes.

@Snozzlemaid - can you contact student welfare on her behalf and explain that her combination of shyness and low mood is making it impossible for her to reach out for help or to do the things she needs to do to change her situation? They might be able to nudge some other people from her subject to contact her, or set up a WhatsApp group with her included on it so she has an option.

Thank you. After another sleepless night I am going to do that tomorrow. She's needs support to decide what's best for her.
Her options appear to be to stick with it and give it time to improve, move accommodation to see if that helps (she didn't get on campus so I think that's making it harder for her to feel part of uni life), leave and try a different uni next year (or in the future) or leave now and ask if Exeter will let her defer for next year and try again then.

"But no matter how much I tell her she must, she won't reach out and ask others to meet up. She's just waiting to be asked all of the time. I've told her time and time again to message them to suggest lunch or something but she hasn't"

Oh snozzle I completely relate to this. Dd is the same - unable to put herself out there or suggest anything

Let her do foundation from home and reassess when it comes to the degree.

I was in this situation (minus the Covid obviously) In hindsight DD just wasn't ready. She lasted the first term but her MH took such a nosedive. She came home, had a year out and started afresh last year. She was like a different person second time round. Happier, more secure in herself and ready to take the step. I agonised about her dropping out, worried myself sick and tried to make her stay, I wish I'd listened to her sooner.

Can she do a gap year instead and delay the foundation course for a year. Voluntary work and paid work and build her portfolio up

If you take out the one big stress (accommodation) she will be more likely to continue.

I'm autistic and this is pretty much par for the course. I used to ring home in tears a lot from uni because I was so stressed. My parents were convinced that I would drop out but I had no intention of that. I just needed to express how I was feeling.

If she does leave then what will she do instead. 40 minutes away for a year sounds like a good stepping stone for whatever comes next. Day at a time and once she's in a routine, I bet she'll settle.

It’s really not ideal to do an art foundation over zoom to be honest. It’s a practical subject

Also approach student services and pastoral team for stupors advise

Once you have a formal assessment in place, there should be recommendations such as access to a study mentor who can support your daughter 1-1. She may also be recommended other additional support such as extra exam time/smaller room/breaks if being with lots of other people is too stressful. She should also qualify for Disabled Students’ Allowance (DSA). If you and she feel she is neuro-diverse, it will make a huge difference to her study experience if she has the right support - so a formal assessment matters. She should already be able to access some wellbeing support on-line (I know it’s not the same as face-to-face).

@LimitIsUp

"But no matter how much I tell her she must, she won't reach out and ask others to meet up. She's just waiting to be asked all of the time. I've told her time and time again to message them to suggest lunch or something but she hasn't"

Oh snozzle I completely relate to this. Dd is the same - unable to put herself out there or suggest anything

It's so tough when you can clearly see what they need to do but they don't have the mental strength to do it. I'm going to call dd later and try to have a practical, non-emotional discussion about her options and where she wants to go from here. Good luck with your dd also.