Empty nest syndrome - it's real.

[monkeyonthetable]

Is anyone else feeling an intense, overwhelming empty-nest dread?

I know it's stupid but am shocked by how powerful it is. I feel sick and anxious, like there's a fist clenching my chest. Both my DC are leaving home at the same time. Of course I want them to start their adult lives but some part of me just wants to hug them and never stop.

I'm fretting that ASD DS2 will be overwhelmed and lonely and that real uni life won't live up to his very precise, planned, high expectations. I'm worried that DS1 will burn the candle at both ends and collapse (he's done this before - actually fainted from hard work and lack of sleep when leading an expedition in L6.)

And concerned that DH and I will slide into evening TV and silence. We had plans to do some long haul travel as soon as they left, to push ourselves out of the empty nest too but that's been shelved due to Covid.

Has anyone had it and got over it? Is anyone else surprised by how powerful and unexpected it is? Would love to chat to people who feel the same or had it and are through it.

[Heffapotamus]

[quote monkeyonthetable]@Shoegal0305 - actually, I think it's fine to acknowledge how you feel. You feel really down about it. You feel and are alone. It is unhealthy to pretend or be dismissive of such powerful feelings.
What I think can and will help is to take very good care of yourself. Not to try and make you feel better, but while you feel bad. Good, healthy food, nice music in the mornings when you get up, silly comedies and films on TV at night, lovely bubble baths.
And gradually start building some ideas of what you fancy doing. Make a bucket list. Include some easy to do stuff as well as some bolder or long term plans and try a few things out. I am making myself do stuff. I don't really feel like it, but I also know that I will feel far better at the end of a month if I can say: I still miss them just as badly but at least I decluttered the house/repainted the bathroom/ booked a weekend away to visit friends and family etc.
My brother said: when they first go, you just feel hollow inside (he's alone - widowed) and then bit by bit you start to be glad of the freedom and really enjoy it.
It takes time. It's OK to give it time. You don't have to pull yourself together today or tomorrow or sometime this week or month. You're being honest and I think, long term, that is probably the best way forward.[/quote]
That is such a brilliant, insightful post. An hour in the garden after work was my saving grace today - just a bit of tidying but it helped not to be in the empty 4 walls !

[Heffapotamus]

[quote Shoegal0305]@Heffapotamus sorry to hear that [/quote]
Thank you 💐
I echo the anxiety, junk food and alcohol - but am just planning to take it a day at a time - and try to get out of the house, even if it's just a walk to the postbox.
As a good friend said to me the other day, try not to think about the future - take it day by day - and yes, be sad, but only give a certain amount of time in your life each day - say an hour - and then put it away and do something different.
I haven't tried that advice yet but it sounds good!

[Shoegal0305]

@Heffapotamus yes it is easier to break time into smaller chunks isn't it? I'm hour by hour right now to say I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions is an understatement. And depression is a bitch as the very nature of it stops you doing everything you should be doing!

[monkeyonthetable]

@Heffapotamus - WFH is tough, isn't it? There's less to distract you. I wasn't very productive today. Did some work then bounced around feeling fretful about nothing. I know it's because of DC and I know it will pass eventually. Just feels so odd right now.

And I'm so shattered (triggered by stress.) In bed already at 9pm!

[Shoegal0305]

@monkeyonthetable stress is completely exhausting. Enjoy your early night

[ssd]

I totally get you op.

[ifancyagreencard]

Ladies, am a bit late to the party and sending unmumsnetty hugs to all who are struggling.

Hoping I can help with news that it CAN get better....

DD (20) is an only and left for Uni 5 hours away in 2018. It felt like a bereavement, I cried for days after she'd left. She also had a rocky first couple of terms; comforting your one and only via FaceTime really sucks.

She left tonight for her 3rd year. Tears from neither of us. Her absence from the family home now feels normal and "right" and we're glad she's heading back for fun and frolics with her lovely housemates. She might even do some work

You truly get used to the hole they leave; the pain absolutely does dissipate with time.

I kept busy and saw a lot of DD's friends' mums that first year. Now life without her does feel "normal".

It's a truly draining, emotional time and I envy none of you. But it does get better x

[NecklessMumster]

Ds1 left for 2nd year last week...the minutesoon his accommodation opened because after 6 months at home he was desperate to get away! He's been moody and in lots of ways its a relief he's gone but I'm feeling sad when I see his empty bedroom. Ds2 goes in 2 weeks for first year, he's so excited. I'm dreading that more as he talks to me a lot and I'll miss his chat. But I feel superstitiously like I'm not allowed to be upset in case they end up home again early with c19. It's harder worrying when you can't see them. And I feel the loss of my parent role. On the surface I'm fine but I've noticed I'm getting weepy at minor things.

[monkeyonthetable]

@ifancyagreencard - thank you for your post. It's good to know it eases after a while. I'm just a bit knocked by how overwhelming it is.
@NecklessMumster - I'm getting weepy over minor things too. Like the hormone rush you get in pregnancy.

[Shoegal0305]

@monkeyonthetable we can't see past the initial pain as we are new to this, I know I can't anyway, but it does sound encouraging that others come thru it ok. I just feel tearful and sad all the time too.

[Sootybear]

I'm trying not to ring Ds, but my lovely Dd just text to say her brother is going round her's tomorrow night to watch something together. That's made me feel better. The cat is definitely missing him as she's sitting by his open door, looking in. I'm just wondering should I ring later in the week?

[monkeyonthetable]

Oh dear. I am really not doing very well with this. Chronic insomnia last night. Doesn't help that my dad is in hospital and no one can visit him due to COVID.

I have a constant feeling of a scrunched up fist in my chest. Feel sick. Stomach problems. Bad sleeping. On the verge of tears.
I am so anxious about them leaving home during Covid. About their first years being a flat lonely existence in their tiny uni rooms with nothing but the occasional Zoom lecture to connect to.
How will they make friends?
How will they develop the work ethic they need if everything is online? So much harder to get excited and involved than if you are in a live lecture hall or tutorial.
Worried about DS2's MH as he has ASD and suffers from social anxiety and mild depression anyway.
Worried he may drop out. It was his third choice and he's already having doubts about the course.
Less worried about DS1 but he will be further away from home, and I think he'll just be disappointed. He was SO excited to get into his first choice uni and now none of the things he was looking forward to will happen because of Covid.
general low grade anxiety about them coping with cooking, time management, friendships, work loads etc.

Is anyone else in the same empty nest situation but not overreacting? I'd love to know how you are feeling and what your thought processes are. I really want to stop this from overwhelming me.

[Shoegal0305]

@monkeyonthetable I'm feeling exactly the same I'm totally overreacting but like you I don't know how to control it

[monkeyonthetable]

Thanks for your support @Shoegal0305. I'm annoyed with myself that I'm not coping better. I was joking about it over summer, but didn't expect it to hit so hard.

[Shoegal0305]

@monkeyonthetable I could've wrote all your posts myself. My circumstances are slightly different but from what I am reading we are both feeling the same crippling anxiety

[AllNewThings]

I'd struggling with it too. We dropped DD off on Friday. The reality of it hit me like a tidal wave the night before and it's just been hideous ever since. It's hard to imagine not feeling like this. She is the eldest of our 5 DC, but her absence at home feels huge. Little things keep setting me off, like changing her bedding or finding something of hers in the washing basket. I feel overwhelmed with a sense of time having run out. ☹️

[AllNewThings]

*I'm

[Shoegal0305]

@AllNewThings aw I'm sure it's just as hard whether we have 1 child or 5. Please feel free to vent. I do 😂. It helps .

[Heffapotamus]

It is tough. It's just me and the cat now and she misses DS!
WFH is rubbish - no one to chat to anymore.
Just trying to connect with friends for coffee but, being an introvert, feel run ragged with that. Can't win!
Just wish for their sake that Covid would do one ! ☹️

[Shoegal0305]

For the first time in weeks I've felt a sense of peace. My son returned to his 'summer' job yesterday 2 hours away, his education still up in the air. I have no idea what his plans are. I'm completely wrung out. Something has changed tho for I'm now feeling there's no more I can do. I'm trying so hard to step back and put myself first. Not sure how long it will last but right now, in this moment, I'm actually feeling ok. I'd even risk saying I feel 'positive'! I've walked into town, I live in a small market town, I love living here. Saw lots of folk I know en route, made me feel included if that makes sense. I feel I've lost my identity recently and even seeing familiar people made me feel a bit better. I'm
Now sat in a little pub with a cheese sandwich and a large glass of merlot. Cheers everyone.

[GADDay]

My DS1 left for uni - overseas on Sunday. I still have 2 teens at home, so not an empty nest. DH and I still spent the day wondering around aimlesslessy, blubbing at the sight of his empty room .

I cant imagine how bad it will be in 4 years.

to all of you

[hamstersarse]

I feel overwhelmed with a sense of time having run out.

I am really feeling that. DS1 is off to uni in a few weeks. He is so so excited to go but I am really feeling very wistful about it. I am a lone parent and it has been the 3 of us for so long (younger DS is 15) and I just can't imagine the loss to the house of all the antics and life

I am at the heart of it so pleased he is off and doing what he should be doing, but the sense of loss is so very discombobulating (yes that word does have a place as per pp) and that sense of time lost seems so keen. All those little things you meant to do with them, then suddenly they are gone and it's too late.

I know we will adapt and life will be a new different good life, but my god there is a primal belly ache that I just can't shake

I have been wfh throughout the pandemic and can see into my garden from where I work, and a few months ago all the fledglings were leaving their nests and many of them made some stupid mistakes - flying into windows, falling down the chimneys etc. and it was just the scenario I can see laid out for me and my teenager leaving home. I know he is going to make mistakes, and perhaps really mess something up, and even though that is mega painful and upsetting because you want to protect them, I have to be like the bird parents in my garden who had let them out the nest, I imagine they were worried too when their ill equipped teens were flying into windows.

Nature wins every time and the circle of life marches on. I will suck it up.

[AllNewThings]

@Shoegal0305

For the first time in weeks I've felt a sense of peace. My son returned to his 'summer' job yesterday 2 hours away, his education still up in the air. I have no idea what his plans are. I'm completely wrung out. Something has changed tho for I'm now feeling there's no more I can do. I'm trying so hard to step back and put myself first. Not sure how long it will last but right now, in this moment, I'm actually feeling ok. I'd even risk saying I feel 'positive'! I've walked into town, I live in a small market town, I love living here. Saw lots of folk I know en route, made me feel included if that makes sense. I feel I've lost my identity recently and even seeing familiar people made me feel a bit better. I'm
Now sat in a little pub with a cheese sandwich and a large glass of merlot. Cheers everyone.

That's a lovely positive post. Hope things stay this way for you and ease a bit for the rest of us.

[Shoegal0305]

@hamstersarse to you. I don't think 'suck it up' is as easy as we think lol. I wish I had the answers I'd bottle them and make my fortunes 😂

[Snozzlemaid]

Shoegal so pleased to read your positive post. I hope this good feeling stays with you. Sounds like you've had a lovely morning.