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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Paying for DDs flat

97 replies

user1487194234 · 23/12/2019 12:25

My DD is at Uni in our home city ,first year of a vocational course
She has just announced that she wants to move into a flat share
She expects us to pay for this at around 500 a month
I hadn’t budgeted for this
She isn’t even asking she is just assuming we will pay
I tried saying no and she has sulked all weekend
I really don’t know what to do
Her BFF is in a flat and having a ball ,but she is in a different city so that makes sens
But DD seems to think if friend ‘s parents are paying we should too
Any thoughts

OP posts:

titchy · 26/12/2019 15:51

Otherwise, how will you get on as a self-sufficient adult if your parents paid for most things ? This is all baffling to me

Because that's the Gov expectation and it means they won't be able to access the full loan if your income is too high.

EL8888 · 26/12/2019 16:56

@Ginfordinner sorry if l dispelled the “its completely impossible myth”. It is possible but not easy, no one is making her move out. It is some thing she wants to do and it comes at a cost. It was lots of hard work don’t worry -l am regarded as the thick one in my family

BubblesBuddy · 26/12/2019 17:29

No one really knows what the true cost is. It’s not £500 if she takes the loan and parents pay the top up like everyone else does. Having discussed it and saved for it. DD needs to apply for the living at home loan and then the living away loan if that’s possible.

Clearly the DD didn’t think about her uni experience earlier when applying. At least it’s free tuition so why not take the loan? It won’t be paid off if she never earns enough and it will be her responsibility. Sometimes staying at home seems cosy and easy but it’s not growing up. There needs to be discussion about how the funding could work and whether she could work. What course is she doing?

I think it’s a bit smug to talk about your own experience when you don’t know the DDs course. Most DC do not work at university these days during term time. Obviously some do but most parents pay what is required to make funding up to the maximum loan or more. During the holidays is a different matter regarding work and she should do that. It’s reasonable to want s student life. Shame she stayed at home really. Whose idea was that? Where else could she have gone?

VivaLeBeaver · 26/12/2019 17:41

It used to be easy to get a 1st on health related degrees as 50% of your marks would come from practice. There’s a wealth of information about grade inflation in practice from sign off mentors who you spend 10 weeks working alongside.

So you could get 95% in practice, 50% in all your assignments and still get a 1st class degree. I used to lecture on a course which had a 76% rate for awarding 1st class degrees.

Most unis have either moved away or are moving away from grading in practice. The majority of students don’t work and those which do tend to be on the bank as HCSWs, which is the ultimate in flexibility. But in my experience it does impact on grades.

Becca19962014 · 26/12/2019 17:50

She needs to understand that not everyone is the same. It can be a harsh, painful lesson to learn.

I went to college, over twenty miles away to do my pre uni course, it cost £300 term for the bus pass and I socialised with no one as it was nearly 2 hours there and back. Living at home and trying to study was very difficult. I'd no option to move out as I was under 18 and zero ability to get funding. It was a shock. A lot of people doing the course were over 18, so socialised and had their own places.

When i went to uni I was surrounded by people who wanted to socialise all the time. I didn't have that option as I really struggled with my course and financially. I lived with people who got the grant, parent contribution and loan (my parents wouldn't pay my grant contribution so I wasn't eligible for a student loan until I got a loan and lied) and were also given their parents credit cards to use "for everything else". I couldn't work due to the intensity of my course (we were told not to work, all classes had registration (including some in evenings and weekends) and if you missed more than a set amount you could be kicked out as attendence was necessary; there were also weekends away and unless in hospital you were expected to go).

When I worked to begin with I found myself in the same position - people I worked with earnt a lot more than I did and I had huge debts to pay off. None of them understood I simply couldn't afford to go out for fancy meals everytime it was someone's birthday (especially as I realised when I went the meal cost was split and the person whose birthday it was didn't pay; I drink water and can't manage more than a main and it was dreadfully expensive (the others ordered bottles of wine 'for the table' and would have the three courses)).

That's not to say I never went out, occaisonally I did BUT nowhere near the amount others did. I got grief for it but had no choice. I cannot rely on my family for help and simply couldn't afford to fund it. Credit cards/loans must be paid off and I couldn't justify MORE debt to socialise.

Becca19962014 · 26/12/2019 17:52

(I went to uni over 25 years ago so bus pass was very expensive even then as it covered all buses in the county which it needed to).

Becca19962014 · 26/12/2019 17:53

The loan to get the student loan was for the parent contribution from the bank each year; luckily the student advisor had similar parental issues and I was forced to take a year out to pay them off.

EL8888 · 26/12/2019 19:44

@VivaLeBeaver how long ago was that? I don’t know anyone l trained with, have worked with or a nursing student who had this. My understanding was placements are pass / fail, with university work graded and counting towards overall classification

VivaLeBeaver · 26/12/2019 19:51

Only 2 years ago and still the case I believe at my old university and definitely still have grading in practice at my current university and most of the local ones.

EL8888 · 26/12/2019 21:41

Must vary depending on the part of the country

BackforGood · 27/12/2019 23:39

I am another that thinks the living away from home / having to sort your bills / having to deal with landlords / having to work out how to get places / dealing with life generally is a HUGE part of the whole university experience.
However, with all of mine, these conversations were had BEFORE they made decisions about where to apply for. Despite living in a City with excellent Universities, none of mine applied to any Universities in our home City.
If she wants to live away from you, as an adult, then she needs to sit down with you in an adult way and work out how she can achieve this.
However, you need to hold in mind being fair to all your dc - if you have been financially supporting a sibling and then refuse to support her, that doesn't seem fair.

PegasusReturns · 27/12/2019 23:57

Is the Scottish system same as England? I.e. is there an expectation of parental contribution?

Are you currently giving her money?

Ginfordinner · 28/12/2019 00:13

We have known for years that we would need to support DD through university. She needs to be able to learn how to live independently, and going to a university 120 miles away has been good for her. Even if she had gone to a local university she would still have lived in halls. IMO students don't form the kind of bonding you get from being away from home if you commute to your local university.

Cooking together, feeling sad together, celebrating birthdays/Halloween/other events, spontaneously going out late in the evening etc just doesn't happen when you aren't living with other students.

lisag1969 · 28/12/2019 00:36

Say no and stick to it. She can't always have her own way. If she wants to move out that bad. She can get a weekend job. X

lisag1969 · 28/12/2019 00:39

Bully for her friend. She's not her friend and your not her friends parents. She can get a weekend job or stay put. X

housinghelp101 · 28/12/2019 00:51

I'm honestly shocked that some posters feel £500 pcm is justified for the 'bonding experience'. I'd have a much better social life and bonding experience if I didn't have to work to live and my parents gave me an extra £500 per month.

OP if you do fund her flat share who will fund her going out every night with her friends?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/12/2019 01:14

We have known since our children were small that they would probably be going to uni.

University was life changing for both me and DH: not just the qualification but the the whole thing of getting out of your small town, living and working with people from all walks of life and learning to look after yourself. We wanted that for our children and we have planned to have the finances in place.

We have four kids and they got minimum loan, so quite a bit of forking out involved. Fortunately for us, they have all been happy to live in cheap scruffy accommodation and work as well.

I think you should sit down with your DD and try to make this happen for her OP; she’s not being demanding and sulky, she’s just wanting what most of the others on her course will have. Most people get one shot at uni, and if you’re lucky it can be an experience that leads to relationships that sustain you throughout your life (I will be meeting up with my uni friends of 37 years standing this week).

corythatwas · 03/01/2020 09:40

This is why it is helpful for your adult/almost adult children to have a reasonable insight into the state of your finances so they can form some kind of idea as to what might be viable with immense kindness and what is never going to be financially viable regardless of what wonderful bonding experiences their mates may be having. Mature conversations need to be had.

Loveautumnsky · 03/01/2020 11:03

I think there are 2 problems here. One is how to teach DD to appreciate parents' hard work, don't take it for granted. Another one is about can she move to flat share.

If DD hasn't taken any loan, then I would let her apply the loan and move out. the different between the rent and her loan is not that huge as £500 per month. And also, she has to agree to work during holidays.

The other problem is to teach her to appreciate parent's hard work. Well, OP really need to work on this one. Her friend get £1000 per month is really not relevant to her, does she know the huge difference between people's wealth? I guess, if she work hard during holiday, she may learn a lesson as well.

Trewser · 06/01/2020 07:37

My thoughts? Your daughter is an entitled brat, I wouldn't entertain the conversation until she stops making demands.

All students who go to uni are entitled to maintenance loans to help pay accommodation. Most students live in a flat for the second year. If she gets the minimum loan thats because your household earns over 50k (or 60?).

Trewser · 06/01/2020 07:39

It's truly mind boggling how little parents seem to understand about uni and money.

housinghelp101 · 06/01/2020 10:04

Trewser this is mumsnet, so of course all parents have researched, saved and paid for their dc's uni costs before they finish primary school. In the real world, it's a different story and I don't know why it's 'truly mind boggling?'

My dd goes to a good school that is very good at keeping parents informed about these things. If you went to university 30 years ago the system has greatly changed and you need to be proactive in researching the options. Not all schools are good at conveying info and not all parents can be proactive, for a whole myriad of reasons.

My dd has a classmate and both of her parents are doctors, qualified from non EU countries. They, as educated people were very shocked to discover very recently the amount they would need to contribute to their dd's university education. She is due to go next year. Consider then a family who have no higher education/LD's/no internet access/ESL and it is very plausible that they wouldn't know.

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