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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Paying for DDs flat

97 replies

user1487194234 · 23/12/2019 12:25

My DD is at Uni in our home city ,first year of a vocational course
She has just announced that she wants to move into a flat share
She expects us to pay for this at around 500 a month
I hadn’t budgeted for this
She isn’t even asking she is just assuming we will pay
I tried saying no and she has sulked all weekend
I really don’t know what to do
Her BFF is in a flat and having a ball ,but she is in a different city so that makes sens
But DD seems to think if friend ‘s parents are paying we should too
Any thoughts

OP posts:

BubblesBuddy · 24/12/2019 09:01

Every student I knew didn’t work and some courses say you shouldn’t work. The op has said DD cannot work.

I assume she is at home because you cannot afford to top up. As said above , most parents do. Mostly though because DCs have moved away.

You need to check all the finances of this. £500 a month is quite a lot in some areas for student accommodation but would be dirt cheap in London. Could it be afforded with the higher loan? Does she get the max loan or the minimum? Work our if it’s at all possible. She’s only trying to grow up and lots of students do fly the nest. It’s a natural thing to do.

Moominmammacat · 24/12/2019 10:09

My DS demanded similar. Said no, he festered then realised brattiness of his behaviour. Try this, from a beer mat ...
TEENAGERS ... tired of being harassed by your parents? Act Now! Move out, get a job, pay your own bills ... while you still know everything!

BubblesBuddy · 24/12/2019 11:12

I don’t think many parents turn out their DC on minimum wage and expect them to work and have enough money for everything. Beer mat advice or not.

If you expected DD to go to university, how did you expect her to manage for money OP? What plans did you have and did you talk about finances with her during the decision-making process? What other universities were considered? What financial planning did you do before she went to university? It’s a shame you feel you might argue about this so you need to find a middle way and not be confrontational as some are advising here. She simply wants to spread her wings and be like the others. Maybe say it’s a possibility for y3? Talk about how she might be able to pay for that. She’s getting a lot of money for living at home and you are presumably receiving some of that. Can you both save for next year?

Loveautumnsky · 24/12/2019 12:28

Moving out to live with other students is a great experience. However, I would be worried that DD just take it as granted and didn't think about that £500 is not dropping from the sky, it is from parents' hard working.
If they have to move to a different city for university, then I think parents should support them if they can. But in this occasion, it is not a necessary expense, I don't think I will support it unless DD earn the rent herself.
But most importantly, you need let your DD know that you have been working hard to earn the salary, she shouldn't take it for granted to use parents money. I know it might be a disappointment for her , but it will be a valuable lesson. Actually, you should have taught her along the way to appreciate parents' hard work.

As parents, we want to give everything to DC, however, I do find that DC who help parents for housework, do part time jobs while at school, they generally become more independent, responsible people and do better in the life.

Original poster

user1487194234 · 24/12/2019 15:36

Thanks for all the responses,we have agreed to shelve it until after Christmas
Her friend I apparently getting £1k a month from her parents

OP posts:

Ariela · 24/12/2019 15:59

Would she get the full maintenance loan? Then if she worked all holidays a few weekends and saved she should be able to afford it.

Decorhate · 26/12/2019 07:42

Which country are you living in OP? If not the UK then I think many of the replies won’t be relevant. If it is the UK then I think it’s reasonable to expect her to wait till the next academic year & apply to Student Finance on the basis of living away from home rather than at home for next year. Also gives your dd an opportunity to work over the summer.

Parents giving their dc £1k per month is not the norm imo. Most parents I know (dc only getting the minimum maintenance loan) would either pay the rent & the dc lives off the maintenance loan OR dc use the loan to pay the rent (topped up by parents) and parents give them a weekly amount for living expenses.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2019 07:53

Any thought..

Yes tell her you’ll rent out her bedroom & that can go towards it, she can find the rest of the money to cover her rent & bills

Original poster

user1487194234 · 26/12/2019 08:06

That's interesting
She says her friend's parents don't want her taking out the loan or working during term

OP posts:

lifeisgoodagain · 26/12/2019 08:09

The government expects you to top up based on income, if you earn over £60k this is around £4500 a year, under £30k nothing, she will need to take out a loan for the rest.

CanIHaveADrink · 26/12/2019 08:19

She says her friend's parents don't want her taking out the loan or working during term
My parents would have been the same. Their POV was that, as a student, I was still their responsibility and it included laying fur accommodation so it would t be a burden fir me later on.
I have to say, at that age, I would have assumed the same than your dd (probably because I also knew my parents position though)
BUT they could afford to pay that cost which is a big difference.

I think you need to move on from the idea she is entitled. She might well assume this is how things works if you’ve never said anything and that’s what her friends do.
Start a conversation about cost above fat you can or can’t afford. Establish a budget of how you can help her and then support her in figuring out what she can or can’t do within that budget.

MarchingFrogs · 26/12/2019 08:23

She says her friend's parents don't want her taking out the loan or working during term

Well, that's nice (and misguided, re the student loan bit) for her friend, but what level of loan is your DD entitled to, and is she currently claiming it? If she is not currently claiming the maintenance loan, she can still do so for this academic year, if she applies within 9 months of the start of the year. Then for next year, as Decorhate says, she can apply for the 'living away from home' rate, although if your home address is in the same town as the flat she is renting, she should be aware that the SLC may ask for proof that the student really is 'living elsewhere'.

Decorhate · 26/12/2019 08:26

I only know one family where the dc have not applied for the loan. They are v wealthy. The tuition fees alone are > £9k per year. I have 3 dc & could not afford to sub that even though we both work full time.

Even if your daughter is unable to work in term time there is scope to earn quite a bit over the holidays. I appreciate there are families out there where the dc don’t work & spend their holidays going on multiple foreign trips. Again, I think this is not the norm.

Raindancer411 · 26/12/2019 08:26

Basically she is jealous of her friend and wants to live her life. Not everyone is in the same position (as we all know as adults). Her friend will grow up entitled and be one is these workers that expects life and her job to revolve around her.

I think you need to say to her you cannot afford it, like most people, and look to see if she can get any grants or loans to help. Remind her this will be what she has to pay back later though so if she can stay where she is, she will be in a better position.

Don't give in as you will be making her become more entitled and you want to help her try to become a better person and proud of what she can achieve on her own.

Ginfordinner · 26/12/2019 08:28

Is your DD getting any kind of maintenance loan OP?

Loads of people have asked now, but you haven't addressed this.

Original poster

user1487194234 · 26/12/2019 08:39

Apologies
She has not taken out the loan funding as she is living with us
She had a part time job but was finding it too much
The available loan is £4750 ,that would not cover the rent never mind all the rest of it
We are in Scotland

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 26/12/2019 08:40

I'm also going to ask if she's applied for a maintenance loan already.

The best course for our DD is in our home city but she is looking elsewhere because she doesn't want to stay at home. We've reassured her that we'd support her (top up) a maintenance loan so that she would still live in halls / shared houses just like DS who is two hours away even if she went for that course.

I lived at home for my Masters and never managed quite the same relationship with my peers because they house shared and lived close to each other while I was half an hour away in the suburbs. I wouldn't want that for my DC.

This is a discussion that she should have had a long time ago though!

Original poster

user1487194234 · 26/12/2019 08:46

White rose that's pretty much our situation
The people on her course who live in town seem to be out all the time and DD is missing out,particularly when last minute arrangements are made

OP posts:

avisitonthetrain · 26/12/2019 08:48

I’d try to help if I could, to be honest.

kristallen · 26/12/2019 08:52

Wouldn't it be cheaper for her to invest in using taxis rather than move out?

Ginfordinner · 26/12/2019 08:53

Sadly, your DD is right. Staying at home to go to university often doesn't provide the bonding experience that students have when in a flat share.

I read somewhere that in Scotland local students aren't allowed to stay in university halls as they are reserved for non local students. Is this actually true?

kevintheorangecarrot · 26/12/2019 08:53

No you bloody well can't. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet! Has she always been this entitled and spoilt? Wants everything without working for it.

chumbawum · 26/12/2019 08:53

I'd tell her no.

She has a perfectly adequate home that is commutable to uni.

I wouldn't be wasting £500 a month just so she can socialise. Tough.

She could get another job. I don't sympathise with 'it was too much' as a person who worked 20/25 hours per week when at uni full-time. It's called taking responsibility for yourself.

flippinehh · 26/12/2019 09:07

Surely she would have thought about living at home vs living away before she went?

I would also want to be living out of home tbh but you need to plan finances, working and loans will be part of that. As is finding somewhere affordable to live. If you want the freedom of an adult, you need to take on some of the financial responsibilities. Sulking isn't going to get you closer to your goal.

I did a vocational course and worked all the way through as did everyone I know but I was older and living independently already - it's totally doable.

Original poster

user1487194234 · 26/12/2019 09:16

I suppose she didn't really think about it, I can understand that I suppose Staying at home seemed like the best thing,but now she is actually at Uni she does feel she is missing out And seeing her friend experiencing the whole student life thing is bringing all that into focus
From her perspective she can't see why she can't have what her friend has

OP posts:

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