Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Moving house after dcs have gone to university - keeping dedicated rooms for dcs or not

66 replies

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:04

I would appreciate your views on this. We have 7 dcs between me and dp (in age order)

dc1 (mine) lives and work in london (renting own place)
dc2 (dp's) at university
dc3 (dp's) at university
dc4 (mine) at university going into 2nd yr - used to live with us and still has a room at my house which is hers but is also used by anyone else who visits
dc5 (mine) in yr13 - lives with us
dc6 and 7 - primary school age (dp's) live with their mother in a city 70 miles away where we are planning to move to

when dc5 goes to university, the plan is to move to the city where dp's youngest 2 live. It's a huge move for me as I will have to commute back to the city where we live now.

in chatting about it, I mentioned to dp how we would furnish the bedrooms (for my dc) and he said, in his mind, that the bedrooms (3 bed house, so 1 for us and 2 others) would not belong to anyone. That all the older dcs would just 'visit' and he felt at least one bedroom would actually be decked out for his younger 2 as they will be visiting more often (which is true).

thing is, his older dc rarely visit whereas for my dc, I am still their home (there is my exh but they tend not to visit him for as long a period as they visit me) so I feel uncomfortable about them not having dedicated rooms but I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous given how little time they will be with us. Dp said they will be very welcome whenever, and I'm sure they would but for some reason I feel quite upset at the thought of them not having their own rooms in the house!

OP posts:

needsahouseboy · 16/09/2019 15:06

Do your DP’s older children primarily live with their mothers? If so I can understand not having a dedicated room for them but if yours have primarily lived with you I think they should have rooms.

EntirelyAnonymised · 16/09/2019 15:11

A 3 bed house and 7 kids who don’t live at home 100% of the time and are almost independent young adults? They’ll have to share 2 generic ‘guest’ bedrooms, won’t they? There simply won’t be enough space for everyone to have their own room.

How are you going to manage when your kids come back outside of term time and you have DP’s kids? Where will you all sleep?

Original poster

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:17

we are in a 3 bed now - my youngest dc has his own room (the one in yr13)

his 2 youngest dcs don't stay over with us - we do day visits - the whole idea for moving to the city they are in is so that we can start having them over more regularly

his older ones visit occasionally but we manage the time they come over to not coincide with the time my eldest one comes to stay!

OP posts:

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 16/09/2019 15:20

Maybe don't think about it in terms of space and more about the emotional need for a secure base. What do they need at their different ages to feel secure? Eg the younger of your own dc will have a greater need to have a sense of "home" at the point of going off to uni and starting somewhere new than the need for physical space.

Original poster

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:21

sorry I meant eldest child who still has a room> it's confusing with all these dcs

so at the moment in the house we are in, the yr13 child who lives with us has a room and my dd (at university) has a room which anyone else who is visiting uses

I naively thought in the new house those 2 would still have rooms as they haven't officially moved out and still come to visit. Dp's point is that with so many dcs, we might as well have a room for his younger 2 (who will probably spend every second weekend with us now) plus a generic room for visitors but neither room will be either of my dc's bedroom so to speak

OP posts:

joblotbubble · 16/09/2019 15:21

None of the DC will live with you?

I would so a room for the youngest when they visit and a spare room to accommodate the oldest when they visit. I wouldn't do his/yours, but I would prioritise one of the rooms to be more homely for the primary aged kids. Uni age just need somewhere to get their heads down, youngers need a home I think.

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 16/09/2019 15:22

Speaking as someone whose parents moved in my first term of uni it was quite weird and I had my own room in the new house!

joblotbubble · 16/09/2019 15:22

The yr 13 will have moved out by the time you move?

Original poster

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:22

well I agree @oldenoughtobehavebetter. My concern is that emotionally my two (that haven't officially moved out) still need to feel they have a home.

but I can't argue with dp's practicality concerns - I just don't want my two to feel they've been pushed out!

OP posts:

Original poster

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:23

yes @joblotbubble, we won't be moving permanently till after he's gone to university

OP posts:

Yogpog · 16/09/2019 15:24

Where is everyone going to sleep at Christmas? Are the four older kids all going to have to share one spare room?

Teenangels · 16/09/2019 15:29

You need to buy a house with more than 3 bedrooms, you are/were the RP for your children, so they will have a room at your house until they move out permanently or buy their own house. My eldest will finish uni in May and unless he does his masters he will be home, with us. My partner and I not their dad are buying our first house together but we would not be buying a house together if we would not accommodate my children.

stucknoue · 16/09/2019 15:30

I think in your circumstances you need flexible space including a sofa bed downstairs, ideally twin beds in both the second and third bedrooms. At university they come home for 3-4 weeks at both Christmas and Easter so need space

LochJessMonster · 16/09/2019 15:33

3 bedrooms, 1 for you, 1 for dps young children, 1 guest room for visiting children.

Or dps children can have their own rooms but they can't be specifically for them as the other children will be using them when visiting.

You will need to think about having sofa beds/trundle beds for when multiple children come home.

EntirelyAnonymised · 16/09/2019 15:35

FWIW, I didn’t consider my children ‘moved out’ until they’d graduated and had jobs/flats. They were home from university so frequently that we needed to keep a room. I just don’t understand how that’s possible with 2 bedrooms for 6 young adults, especially when you want one to have their own room (so it’ll be 5 young adults in the one remaining room). Sounds like a lot of stressful juggling about.

I agree that, ideally, you need to be looking for more space; especially as you want to have DP’s youngest two to stay over.

Comefromaway · 16/09/2019 15:35

I think that you need to either buy a bigger house or wait until after all your children have left university before you move in together.

Your children who are/were resident with you need their own room (not sure its fair to ask them to share after having years of their own rooms. It would also be reasonable to have a room for your dp's youngest kids to share (but not essential as he isn't the RP.)

TeenPlusTwenties · 16/09/2019 15:36

I'd have one room for his 2 primary DC, kitted out for them.

Then the other room with as much flexible bed space as you can (e.g bunk beds where the bottom bunk converts to a double, plus one other bunk bed/sofa bed depending on shape of room?) for all the uni-based DC to share as and when they randomly visit, plus a sofa bed in living room. What works best will depend on sexes.

Missillusioned · 16/09/2019 15:37

Your 2 DC's at University still have a primary home with you, whereas his younger ones have a primary home elsewhere. I would allocate the bedrooms to the university DCs, but use them for his younger ones as well and try not to coincide the visits.

I wouldn't bother decorating bedrooms in a childish style anyway if the youngest children are only with you eow. They grow out of that stage very quickly

DeNiroDeFaro · 16/09/2019 15:50

I would kit each room out with twins which can be zipped into a double if needed? The kids might start visiting with partners soon.

That way you can accommodate 4 at any one time, and the two young DCS will have one room they use each time and can make a bit their own. But agree with PP about decorating fairly neutrally with good storage so it can be made to look like a guest room fairly easily.

Original poster

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:57

thanks all

his elder children have never been resident with us and have their 'home' with their mother - we only have 3 bedrooms now and it's been fine tbh because we can juggle things around and time visiting times for everyone so that it works and no one has complained

the main issue is whether my youngest two (the eldest fully moved out) keep their rooms which I think they should even though they are at university because it's still effectively their home but dp feels differently

yes that's exactly how I feel @misillusioned

it's been useful hearing your thoughts because dp has, unusually, been quite firm about this

at xmas, I have my younger 2 for the week before xmas and exh has them for the week after

eldest dc who lives in London comes and visits but doesn't stay (doesn't want to!)

dp's older 2 dcs spend xmas with their mother and then come to us afterwards

and the little ones do xmas with their mother but we do a lot of xmas related day trips with them because they are still in the Santa believing stage!

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 16/09/2019 15:58

So in your current 3 bed house your (OP's) children have both bedrooms and his children have no dedicated bedrooms at all?

With 7 children between both of you and only two bedrooms, it's not going to be possible to have allocated rooms!

Original poster

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:58

that's a good idea @DeNiroDeFaro - I didn't know you could get beds like that! they would be perfect for the 2 rooms!

OP posts:

joblotbubble · 16/09/2019 15:59

You think your younger 2 who will both be at uni should have the rooms and his primary school children should just make do with kipping in someone else's room?

singymummy · 16/09/2019 16:01

What are the two at uni going to do when they come back for half term and summer holidays?

Also are you certain the oldest is going to uni?

The two rooms should be guest rooms not allocated to anyone in particular
But it just doesn't seem very practical as I know how much my uni friends where back

seasidequayside · 16/09/2019 16:10

I think it’s quite tough on the one who will be at uni by then, and presumably returning home for holidays. If he’s used to his own room, it will be hard not to have that private space to return to at the end of term. If you can afford it, could you get a 4 bed house, or one with an extra room downstairs that could be used for guests? Maybe downsize again 5 years later when all the older children will be more permanently settled.

But also, can you discuss it with your children & see how they feel? Obviously a lot depends on relationships between them all and how they feel about not having own rooms. Maybe the ds who is home for holidays wouldn’t mind a less personal room that is used by others the rest of the time?

Flip

1 2 3