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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Moving house after dcs have gone to university - keeping dedicated rooms for dcs or not

66 replies

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:04

I would appreciate your views on this. We have 7 dcs between me and dp (in age order)

dc1 (mine) lives and work in london (renting own place)
dc2 (dp's) at university
dc3 (dp's) at university
dc4 (mine) at university going into 2nd yr - used to live with us and still has a room at my house which is hers but is also used by anyone else who visits
dc5 (mine) in yr13 - lives with us
dc6 and 7 - primary school age (dp's) live with their mother in a city 70 miles away where we are planning to move to

when dc5 goes to university, the plan is to move to the city where dp's youngest 2 live. It's a huge move for me as I will have to commute back to the city where we live now.

in chatting about it, I mentioned to dp how we would furnish the bedrooms (for my dc) and he said, in his mind, that the bedrooms (3 bed house, so 1 for us and 2 others) would not belong to anyone. That all the older dcs would just 'visit' and he felt at least one bedroom would actually be decked out for his younger 2 as they will be visiting more often (which is true).

thing is, his older dc rarely visit whereas for my dc, I am still their home (there is my exh but they tend not to visit him for as long a period as they visit me) so I feel uncomfortable about them not having dedicated rooms but I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous given how little time they will be with us. Dp said they will be very welcome whenever, and I'm sure they would but for some reason I feel quite upset at the thought of them not having their own rooms in the house!

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 17/09/2019 06:23

I empathise with your dp. If he has patiently waited for your children to finish school before moving so he can have his youngest overnight I can see why he wants them to have a nice bedroom.

MrsDimmond · 17/09/2019 06:32

I'm confused about the youngest dc Why have they never stayed over? They do day trips currently meaning they travel 140 miles! I don't understand why moving closer to them means they will stay over? Why does you dp not have them eow as standard?

Also, I think the idea of "home" links to a place as well the family home. However you organise the bedrooms, returning from university to a new location will never be the same as returning to their home town.

Thinking back, especially to my first yesr at university, my "home" friends were still really important.

Fatshedra · 17/09/2019 06:48

I would wait til the one in 2nd year at uni has a job.

RuthW · 17/09/2019 06:50

If they are at uni they are likely to come back. I will always keep a room in my house for dd until she buys her own home. This is likely to be in two years. She is back with me after four years at uni.

Whatevskev · 17/09/2019 07:02

Don’t move yet or move into somewhere bigger

I feel really strongly that your two DC at uni will need their own space.
Uni kids are home a lot and there’s always the possibility something goes wrong and they actually come home properly.

Feeling like you are camping out in a rented uni room in term time then dossing in the spare room of your mum and her DP in the holidays would be horrible.

Everyone needs to feel they belong and to have familiar pictures and stuff about. They will need privacy too.

Whilst I understand your DP wanting his little kids to feel they have a room, they already have a room they call home at their mums and sounds like as yet you can’t be sure they will stay over anyway.

Seems a bit odd to me that they never stay over with dad now- distance shouldn’t affect that and do they never ask to sleepover? No saying when he is nearer they will want to stay by the sounds of it.

I’d be putting my foot down here.
Four bedder needed.
Or don’t move for a few more years until your older kids have properly moved out.

PrimalLass · 17/09/2019 07:10

it's been useful hearing your thoughts because dp has, unusually, been quite firm about this

Ah so you are doing the moving and your children are losing their home, and he's driving it all?

Watch out.

My parents moved continent when I was at uni. It was hard for many reasons but they did make sure I had accommodation for when I came home in the holidays. Term was only 30 weeks.

SoupDragon · 17/09/2019 07:11

You want your children to have rooms and feel at home.
He wants his children to have rooms and feel at home.

Neither of you is wrong about that. If you both want your children to feel at home, you need more rooms. Loft conversion or the outbuilding you mention could work.

Lightsabre · 17/09/2019 08:29

You and your children seem to be doing all of the sacrificing in this situation. Your children do not have anywhere else as 'home' so they should have bedrooms in the new house. I think you need to look for a 4 bedder or delay moving.

Boraciclint · 17/09/2019 08:39

My parents moved when I was in my first year at uni and though in my head I knew it was totally fair, I was an adult at 18 etc. in my heart it felt like a real wrench and I didn’t have that same secure home base any more.
You say your do is being ‘unusually firm’ about this. I suggest that you are ‘unusually firm’ back. On the face of the information you posted about his dcs it looks like he has already left two sets of young children and their mothers in the past so it seems may find it easier to make his needs a priority over his children’s. Your commitment to take on a 70 miles commute should also mean he should be very happy to compromise on the size of house you’re buying or room arrangements.
Don’t let him squeeze your own children out of their home.

titchy · 17/09/2019 08:45

You're making all the sacrifices here OP - your children won't have a bedroom any more even though they'll be with you 5 months a year, you've got a longer commute, and for what? So your dp's kids can stay one or two nights a fortnight - which they could now. In fact it's arguably much easier logistically for them to stay the weekend now than it will be if you move.

Be careful....

GreatBigNoise · 17/09/2019 08:50

I think this might be the type of issue that the kids don't care about. If they have somewhere to store their own bits and bobs it might not even register with them that they are in a shared bedroom.

Zog14 · 17/09/2019 09:53

I would be wary about the impact on your Uni kids. I had a friend whose parents sold the family home and went travelling for years whilst she was at uni. It had a massive impact in so many ways. She had nowhere to come home to, when we all regrouped during holidays. This resulted in her staying in an unsuitable relationship for longer than she should because she could live with him during holidays. It was really bad for her mental health.

Her parents knew nothing of what she was going through.

So just because Uni kids don’t come home, doesn’t mean all is rosy. They can be making sub optimal life choices to avoid coming back to somewhere they don’t feel they belong.

Proceed cautiously.

VioletCharlotte · 17/09/2019 09:58

My DS1 has just gone off to uni. DS2 has a much smaller room, but I won't be moving him. Going to uni is a big step, I don't want DS to feel he's no longer wanted, I want him to feel his room is here for him whenever he wants to come home. Also, on a practical level he has so much more stuff than DS2 (instruments and collectibles) so it just wouldn't work.

DS2 is planning on going to uni anyway next year. If he's doesn't then I may well review the situation next year.

CheeseStraws · 17/09/2019 20:41

HesMyLobster · 17/09/2019 21:18

My DH's parents separated, divorced, sold the family home and each bought a new house (with a new partner) all within his first year at uni (his brother was in 2nd year)
Completely messed him up for a long time. Mostly because it was so obvious they'd just been waiting to get rid of him so they could crack on.
He has had very little relationship with either of them since.

Decorhate · 17/09/2019 21:29

Do you and your dp need to live together during the week? Because it seems impractical unless one set of children loses their home or the others don’t see their father. Plus the commute for you.

Could your dp move to the other town & you just see each other at weekends?

Who owns the house you live in now?

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