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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Moving house after dcs have gone to university - keeping dedicated rooms for dcs or not

66 replies

ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 15:04

I would appreciate your views on this. We have 7 dcs between me and dp (in age order)

dc1 (mine) lives and work in london (renting own place)
dc2 (dp's) at university
dc3 (dp's) at university
dc4 (mine) at university going into 2nd yr - used to live with us and still has a room at my house which is hers but is also used by anyone else who visits
dc5 (mine) in yr13 - lives with us
dc6 and 7 - primary school age (dp's) live with their mother in a city 70 miles away where we are planning to move to

when dc5 goes to university, the plan is to move to the city where dp's youngest 2 live. It's a huge move for me as I will have to commute back to the city where we live now.

in chatting about it, I mentioned to dp how we would furnish the bedrooms (for my dc) and he said, in his mind, that the bedrooms (3 bed house, so 1 for us and 2 others) would not belong to anyone. That all the older dcs would just 'visit' and he felt at least one bedroom would actually be decked out for his younger 2 as they will be visiting more often (which is true).

thing is, his older dc rarely visit whereas for my dc, I am still their home (there is my exh but they tend not to visit him for as long a period as they visit me) so I feel uncomfortable about them not having dedicated rooms but I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous given how little time they will be with us. Dp said they will be very welcome whenever, and I'm sure they would but for some reason I feel quite upset at the thought of them not having their own rooms in the house!

OP posts:
DeNiroDeFaro · 16/09/2019 17:04

They're called Zip and Link beds OP. Like this www.divancentre.co.uk/divan-beds/zip-and-link-beds

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 16/09/2019 17:29

Think you should have his younger dc in one room, yours in the other (larger of the two) room divided into two "zones" so they each have their own space/storage and a double sofa bed in the lounge. It won't be for long as your older dc will graduate and settle somewhere anyway.

And when his older dc (who are adults and have a home at their mum's) visit they sleep on the sofa bed or in the primary kids room but not in your dc's room.

berlinbabylon · 16/09/2019 17:56

I'm pretty sure I read somewhere, that one of the sources of mental health problems in students is when their parents move house while they are at uni and they lose their "home". Your DP may be being "unusually firm" about this, but I think it is important that he realises that it is not fair on the older children to lose their home and space. They may not move away, they may need to live at home. My advice would be stay where you are or get a bigger house than you were planning if you can afford to.

Alternative: is there room for a garden room or similar? One of my friends recently went to live back with her parents when she separated from her boyfriend. Her sister, who is 30, has a garden room!

berlinbabylon · 16/09/2019 17:57

Also a 70 mile commute sounds horrible. Could you move to somewhere in the middle?

Original poster
ScaryBlue · 16/09/2019 18:34

The commute isn't great but weirdly is only 10 mins longer than my one now because there's a fast train and I come into the 'right' side of London for my office (at the moment I come in the wrong side and have to cross London). It's still going to be tough as the trains are not as frequent.

I agree re the feeling of home.

@joblotbubble the issue with the younger two is they have rooms at their mum's place. They will be able to use a room at ours but I don't want that to be instead of my two (who don't have a room anywhere else) having a room. Nobody minds their room being used by others at all, I think it's more my two feeling they still have a home!

Funnily enough @berlinbabylon the house we are looking at has a big outbuilding that has plumbing and electricity - we have asked how easy it would be to convert to a useable room

OP posts:
HesMyLobster · 16/09/2019 18:58

My DD is just going into her second year at university and the thought of her not still having a room at home is ridiculous! She has been home for almost 3 months over the summer, and had 6 weeks each for Christmas and Easter. It's basically a 50:50 split between uni and home - I won't consider her to have "moved out" until she graduates, starts work and buys/resets her own place.
Going to university doesn't mean they've left home. This is still very much her home.

HesMyLobster · 16/09/2019 18:59

*rents not resets

Comefromaway · 16/09/2019 19:32

Be careful. Most garden offices don’t require planning permission but if anyone sleeps in them they do.

DramaFarmer · 16/09/2019 19:34

When they go to Uni they still come home in the holidays! Massive long holidays! I would always keep a room for mine til they graduate, get a job and move out properly.

Maybe a shared room with a sibling, but their own bed and decor.

Guests could stay in it while they were away though.

lovemylot1 · 16/09/2019 19:39

If it were me i would get as many bedrooms as possible and bathrooms too.

Decorhate · 16/09/2019 20:03

Unless your two youngest dc will only be popping back for the odd visit, I don’t think 3 bedrooms will work. Would they be able to share or could your dp’s youngest only stay over in term time?

I don’t know many uni students who don’t spend most of the long summer break back home. So easily 4-5 months of the year including all the holidays.

It sounds like the new arrangements will be favouring your dp’s dc over your own. Only you can decide if you are prepared to go along with that.

bevelino · 16/09/2019 23:39

@HesMyLobster I am with you, my dds come home every holiday; and they are of course away from home while at university but they definitely haven’t left home.

Propertyfaux · 17/09/2019 00:24

I would look at houses that have not been converted to open plan. To have three decent size bedrooms they usually have two reception rooms. One could be made to add another bedroom but also living space. I am feeling guilty that DS1 will have his bedroom downsized with DC3, and he will still have a room.

katewhinesalot · 17/09/2019 00:38

Ask your kids for input into how they are decorated but make them generic with lots of storage. Perhaps your kids can have a dedicated cupboard.
They are old enough to understand the practicalities.

HeddaGarbled · 17/09/2019 01:01

I think your partner’s idea that children at uni will only, in future, ‘visit’ their family home and that it is therefore OK to take away their bedrooms is harsh and appalling.

Mine came home most Christmases, Easters & summers plus odd long weekends throughout uni, and one came home for a year after graduating.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 17/09/2019 01:04

Christ on a bike.

Pieceofpurplesky · 17/09/2019 01:11

So basically you are asking if it's ok to kick your kids out of their home as you DP Wants rooms for his kids. How do your kids feel about losing their home?

My parents still had a room for me when I was 40! They now live with me so role reversal.

WheelDecide · 17/09/2019 01:24

Perhaps your kids can have a dedicated cupboard.. Christ, someone's going to suggest OP's children live under the stairs in a minute.

You seem to be making all the sacrifices here OP.

Purpleartichoke · 17/09/2019 01:26

All minor children and everyone still in university needs to have a space they have dibs on. So if they want to come home, they absolutely will have a place to sleep. Guests can use the space, but they still officially live in your home. So you need beds for the 2 young kids, the year 13, and the two university students at the very least. You may have to make a bunk room.

Purpleartichoke · 17/09/2019 01:32

Actually, I read that wrong. Between you there are 7 children and only one is living independently. So you need room for 6. That is going to be incredibly tight in 3 bedrooms. I know it’s not every night, but summers and holidays are going to be tough. Especially since the older and younger may have vastly different schedules.

Jocasta2018 · 17/09/2019 01:49

Where does your oldest child spend Xmas? With her father or alone? Why not with you?

I think that as RP, your two second children should still have a room each in your new house. Everyone I knew at university all returned home for the holidays - university accommodation wasn't available for holiday time use so you either returned to your parents or you dossed on people's floors.
Nowadays with boomerang kids and life so difficult after graduation, often their childhood bedroom remains necessary for longer than expected.

I think if you move and get rid of your children's rooms, you might find yourself getting rid of your children!

FrancisCrawford · 17/09/2019 01:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DramaFarmer · 17/09/2019 05:30

It’s also possible that moving will cut down the amount of time they return as their old mates will be back where you live now

redchocolatebutton · 17/09/2019 06:04

his elder children have never been resident with us and have their 'home' with their mother

so, what about your children who still live with their mother.

user1474894224 · 17/09/2019 06:14

It seems easy to me but maybe I am missing something. One room for his younger 2 kids. One room. For your younger 2 kids. And a sofa bed or airbeds for occasional guests. (If the children are happy to allow someone else to sleep in their bed when they aren't there then you probably won't need the air beds much). You two kids definatly need to feel they have a home. They haven't moved out yet they are just studying away. They may want to move home after Uni. They might have 'stuff' they don't take with them to Uni - that needs a home.