When your child goes to uni, what happens to their bedroom........

[ItsTheKissing]

So, I'm interested in what people do or have done, if there were any issues and how you decided.

DSS has left for uni and has the second biggest bedroom in the house. Two other siblings have much smaller rooms. DP wants to keep it as a guest room and for DSS (their DS) when he's back at home whereas I think the middle sibling should be offered the room and DSS takes middle siblings room.

Middle sibling has a room which would fit a double (at a squeeze) and we have guests approximately 10 nights per year.

Current situation is that DP has said that middle sibling can have room in three years but still doesn't really agree with that and thinks even this is unreasonable.

We have discussed this over the last twelve months and still can't agree.

What to do?

@CassianAndor I was thinking of the 10 days a year the OP has guests!

I assume the child will be off travelling/interning/working/festivalling/doing other cool stuff for at least some of the holidays! I didn't go back home for more than a week after I left for uni.

They don’t spend ten days per year at home!!

Oh, sorry, x post.

also - if this is your DSS's first term then he will literally only just have left. The first term - hell, the first year at uni - can be very very hard. He could have a lot of wobbles in the next few weeks and months. Keep his room as his safe space to return to. I would leave it a good year before discussing it with all the DC.

Oh dear God. And this is why so many of our kids are snowflakes.

verticality well, I was at home for pretty much all the holidays. I;d be pretty upset if I was swept out of my room when, in the summer holidays, for example, I'd be there for a lot longer than the younger ones (we broke up in June and returned in October). I was working, to be fair, but part time.

@CassianAndor it's not something that I would envisage happening straight away and agree that the first year is important; DSS may not like it and come home. However, I am getting a blank wall from DP who is conceding that middle sibling can have room in three years.

I'm wondering whether to tell DP that we should have a conversation with DSS regarding what could happen and manage his expectations?

It's remained her room, nothing has changed. She still has all her books and other tat she's collected over the years in there.

She is aware we'd use it for guests if needed.

She's been home for almost 4 months this summer, I'd not be making her feel like we'd pushed her out. Her brother is still in the marginally smaller room but he still has a double bed in there so he's not moving in to hers.

I'd say the younger one should get to move into the bigger room when the older one moves to uni.

Maybe as a small compromise keep the big room for him for a couple of months while he settles in but not for the whole time hes at uni it's not fair to the younger one.

yes, but not now! Don't let him know you're already thinking about turfing him out of his room when he's not even settled in.

Just leave it for now, tell everyone that it's not up for discussion until DSS has a year of uni under his belt and make sure that he is involved in all debate.

God, I struggled hugely to settle in, very nearly dropped out and I would have been devastated if I'd known that, on top of everything else, I wouldn't even have my room anymore.

Dd1 is in third year. She still has her bedroom. It’s her home. She lives here, even though she is away in term time.
I may be missing the point of the ‘status conferred’ thing here though, as I was the eldest kid and didn’t want the biggest room. Small rooms are cosier.
I want my children to feel they can return whenever they need to, and seek comfort in their own space. She’s returned from mid April to the last day of August for two years, to earn enough money for the next year. She shares with her sister or we put all three together in the basement of doom when we have guests.
We toyed with the idea of moving the kids around. Her brother (dc2) isn’t interested remotely. He’s essentially built a man cave and wants to keep it. Her sister is a bit like me in that she prefers a smaller space.
She did bring her boyfriend back to stay once, and it did cross my mind that I was veeeerrrry glad we hadn’t moved the rooms round. And a year later when he dumped her I was glad she had her own familiar space to cry in.
I think the ‘who gets the biggest room’ thing is a bit provincial. Bigger isn’t always better

I can see both sides. As a compromise could the room your dss has vacated be used as a “playroom” for your other child. Then when you know he s coming back you can just pack up the toys for a while. That way everyone keeps their rooms but the children at home still get to use the bigger room. I was going to say wholeheartedly move them around until someone put about your dss being unsettled - a familiar safe space would be great if that does happen. We moved our kids already as my eldest is now a teen and was in the biggest room and my 6 year old had the smallest room. They swapped as the teen doesn’t really have toys anymore and the 6 year old has loads. Middle son stayed where he was!!!

The bedroom that belonged to that child is up for grabs.

My parents actually redecorated my room as a guest bedroom and packed the stuff I'd left behind and put it in the attic!

My friend's Mum still has his room ready for if he wants to come home - he's 50. She's nuts!

The eldest has always had the largest room; what was originally the master bedroom before the house was extended.
The youngest has always had the smallest room; it's about 6' by 12'.

When the eldest was in his first year at university, we kept things as they were. We're now at the end of the long summer holiday and he is due to go back for second year, moving into a studio flat (that we are paying for).

We raised the idea of him swapping rooms with the youngest and he is happy with this, so we're going to swap everything over once he has gone and redecorate the smaller room for him. The smaller room will then be his room when he comes back for the holidays.

@ItsTheKissing You have to remember, you're not booting your DS out of the house. You're not even asking him to sleep on the sofa or on a blow up bed (plenty of kids have to do this!!) You're simply offering him a bed in a slightly smaller, but still eminently comfortable room. As hardships go in life, it's not exactly a major one!! I think it's quite good for kids to get used to the idea that they are adults and that they need to start showing some care/concern for others. An 18 year old should be man or woman enough to be able to survive the loss of a childhood bedroom - it's a staging post towards independence!

Bronzegate that all sounds very sensible.

verticality I think you, and others, are underestimating the importance of your bedroom when you're a child or teen. You, as an adult, have a whole house to play with. You're also underestimating the move to uni.

My kids rooms will remain their rooms until they move out permanently. Don’t underestimate them having their familiar rooms as their security and safe space when they are home and knowing it’s there. I won’t make any changes, they’re home more than they are away

When you have youngest stepson saying he's claustrophobic in his little box room you don't really have a choice....his brother wouldn't dream of us keeping his bigger room empty for him. He knows he always has a bed here, that's all that matters.

I am listening to everyone who is saying it is important for everyone to have their own, familiar space...... So, when middle child is actually asking if he can have the bigger room (he's a bit old for a playroom to those of you who have suggested using it as this), then what do I say? What is the rationale?

you say that DSS hasn't actually left home, that whilst he's going through this big transition he needs continuity at home, that he may well be home a fair amount and that it'll be readdressed next summer and that's the end of it so don't keep going on about it.

I really think you should ask him . If he wants to keep his room then ask him how he feels about another having his room . He may or may not mind and even if he does mind he may still agree to give up his room . What you do with the information is of course entirely up to you .

I would leave it for a year, then if he comes home for summer between 1st and 2nd years then they can together move rooms around and re-decorate to their own tastes in their new rooms. So DSS gets some ownership of his new smaller room.

If he doesn't come home for the summer then it's clear you can change the rooms round without him. I was home for the summer between 1st and 2nd year and caught up with school friends etc but the next two summers were about travel and internships so I wasn't home and by then I didn't want my childish bedroom.

Thanks everyone; plenty to think about.