Oxbridge Freshers 2018

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

old thread

A chat/support thread for parents of undergrads who have entered the quite frankly slightly odd world of Oxbridge.

Apparently we are parents to undergrads now

[Bakeandyarn]

lucycat had a homesick DS yesterday, it’s a huge change for them and it was so hard hearing him upset. He’s a LOT better today and is planning his first bits of work. I think freshers week can be a bit unhelpful for some, because some dc’s prefer to just get into the nitty gritty. It’s incredibly hard being apart from them when they are feeling this way. I’m just thinking baby steps and we will hopefully get there.

[Lucycat]

I've just had a positive FaceTime chat - the welfare advisor was great. DD cried a lot with her/them but was chatty and quite smiley with me She is coming home this weekend to escape the treadmill. Just for 24 hours, but the advisor said that was a good idea which reassured her. She has bought her sub fusc (so is clearly planning on staying in Oxford!) and is going to the club night tomorrow but is planning on a quiet night tonight.
I on the other hand am exhausted 😴
Thank you everyone for their hand holding support.

[mateysmum]

Sorry to hear some of your DCs are finding it tough. Just wanted to say that it is such early days yet and potentially the issues would be the same at any uni, but I think Oxbridge freshers find it harder sometimes because they have climbed a mountain to get there. Therefore their expectations of themselves are so much higher. So if it isn't all perfect or as they had expected it can be a real shock, a bit of a let down after all the excitement of getting in. Also, the work does come much thicker and faster than elsewhere and many of these kids would have been at the top of their school cohort and now suddenly they are with lots of other people as clever or cleverer than they are.
At the moment, there is no routine established that they can cling to, just a big, scary unknown.
But... it should very quickly get better. Colleges can be really supportive places. It's much harder to "get lost" than in a normal uni. Lucycat so pleased the welfare officer was helpful and good for DD for realising she needed help. Could she request a different college parent?

[HingleMcCringleberry]

I wouldn't bother requesting another college parent. Some college parents are just lame. Get yourself adopted by another family, or at least bond with your siblings over the rubbishness of your parents. I've actually been impressed at how involved some of the college parents have been from descriptions on this thread. I feel a bit gypped by mine! Lucycat I'm delighted the Welfare Officer (presumably this is an undergrad) was helpful. I also developed a real bond with the college nurse - always another useful avenue.

I'm not going to say that a dc shouldn't go home. Some dc will need it. I will observe that being at home where everything is lovely can make it really difficult to head back into the meat grinder, especially in this settling stage. It's hard - have them crying at uni where you can't soothe them, or have them at home, and potentially send them back crying? There's no right answer. All you can reiterate is that all they are feeling is absolutely normal, and the experience of plenty of freshers at Oxbridge.

[Hubbleisback]

Pleased to hear she is feeling a bit better Lucycat. I bet you will be so excited to see her.

[Hubbleisback]

Oh dear a meat-grinder sounds horrible!! Did you enjoy your time Hingle?

[jaguar67]

That's great to hear Lucycat and well done your DD on being so proactive in reaching out for support. Another vote for how pants Freshers' week can be - I can still recall the permanent knot in my stomach 33 years on & remember only starting to settle when I got into the swing of work etc.

I've been blown away with the amount laid on for Freshers in the way of organised activities (certainly compared with 'my day'), but I totally get why this doesn't actually suit everyone.

Bottom line is, your DD is doing all the right things and how brilliant lucky she is to have such a great relationship with you. and for you in the meantime and here's to her going from strength to strength xx

[HingleMcCringleberry]

Hubbleisback are you kidding? I loved my time there. It was exceptional. I made the best friends of my life there - until recently we were all meeting up a couple of times a month (this is more than a decade after leaving.) But fresher’s week is emotionally and physically brutal. It gets exponentially better after that.

[Hubbleisback]

Wow so relieved to hear that Hingle!! That has made me feel so much better.

[HingleMcCringleberry]

Ha, sorry, didn’t mean to scare anyone. Freshers week is rough. I took a term to settle. I was worried after 4 weeks (only 4 weeks!) that I didn’t seem to know anyone, and it was all a bit difficult. By second term I was well bedded in, and went from strength to strength over my time there: welfare officer, hockey captain, king of college. It all came together. But it takes time and my God was it hard at first. The work was by far the easiest bit of the initial experience for me. First Week will be a breath of fresh air compared to Fresher’s week.

[Hubbleisback]

Any other DC off to Fuzzy Ducks tonight?

[Bakeandyarn]

I think as well with oxbridge that they are very likely to be the only one from their school going to that particular college. Lost of ds’s friends have gone in groups, different courses but same uni which helps in the early days. Having some real work to do is helping as it’s giving a purpose and when it starts properly he will be mixing with people he has his subject in common with.

[Hubbleisback]

I think it is true that it will be easier when they are mixing with people on their course - by definition they will have something in common. Fresher's seems to be a stressful week of excess - at least to me if not to DS.

[Lucycat]

In an ideal world she wasn't planning on coming home for 3 weeks for a big family event but she needs a big hug and her boyfriend is up here too. I just hope we aren't going to make things worse by her being at home for 24 hours.....

[Hubbleisback]

Lucycat sounds like she needs a good sleep in her own bed. Don't worry, it might make her realise home is still home and that she can go away knowing it will still be there to return to.

[Witchend]

I remember when I was a fresher we were given a welcome pack that said something along the lines of:
"You can easily feel everyone else is better than you when you arrive. You thought your grade 8 piano and performance in the local pantomime was doing pretty well, and you weren't bad at cricket either. Just in your staircase alone you've met someone who composed a concerto which was performed by the Philharmonic Orchestra last Prom season, someone else who has been in the West End since aged 6yo and an international Cricketer."


There was definitely an aspect of this going on.


I remember feeling that all the other girls knew each other well, because I was surrounded by English students, who went to everything together for the first 2-3 weeks. I was the only girl mathmo in my year and it felt a bit uphill to make friends at first. But gradually people stopped spending the entire time walking round in subject groups.
I made my best friends through clubs either Oxford wide or college based.

[voilets]

To lucycat and her DD
Hang on in there!

[HingleMcCringleberry]

I think it was on another 1st year starter thread, where someone had said that either they, or their parents had told them to stick it out to Christmas. Which is harsh, but you get the reasoning - it’s harder to bond if you’re not around at the weekend when there’s some downtime. And having a boyfriend in the mix, that’s got to be rough too.

Lucycat I’m sure you won’t make things worse having DD at home for a bit, I’m sure she’ll find it very comforting. But re-entry might be the sticking point. Still, everyone needs to decompress - why not do it somewhere familiar and unstressful.

Don’t let her get away with having you do her laundry though!

[riverbank23]

My Dd has one college parent who hasn't contacted her once since she arrived on Sunday. Dd still alone in the evenings, she's joined two societies which I suppose is something. Trying not to keep messaging her as I know she needs to find her own way but its very hard not to 😥

[OhTheRoses]

DD and I have been exchanging cat photo's, ours and a gorgeous college cat.

I think she's had a better day today. Has had dinner with her set mate and another and meeting her college parents as I speak.

She is lucky perhaps because her school sends 10-12 to Oxbridge every year and she knows there are freshers now from the year below and another gapper this year as well as the three close friends who went up last year. Also DS has friends who are there, albeit a bit older.

Saying all that dd is my quiet quirky one and I do worry esp re the mh issues she has overcome. I also know she is very accomplished at masking problems.

Now have college bill. It's just shy of £1800 for the term.

Have heard nothing so far about course except that she has met her director of studies. I think Freshers is a big challenge as she has always been an island rather than gregarious. She hates clubbing, noisy stuff and general "rah". She has auditioned for a musical but I daren't ask how it went.

I work at a uni and find it daunting and ds and dh are both dark blues. But dd and I are very close, esp as we got through her being unwell together. It is a chasm I didn't experience when ds went, but dh was in charge - same college, yada. And she makes a mean g&t and I miss texting her ten mins before I get home, so she has it ready .

Am planning to visit in 2/3 weeks. I have some family in Ely and can use it as a convenient excuse.

[OhTheRoses]

Oh Lucycat I meant to say I hope you are both hanging in there. I think so much changes in the early days and wonder if the visit home cd be on a if she needs it in a few days basis. They turn on a sixpence at this stage and tomorrow she could meet a kindred spirit and change her mind.

With love

[ErrolTheDragon]

Selwyn college has the best cat. It's a
Very Large Cat

[Hubbleisback]

So the tears are flowing - mine. Came from nowhere just like baby blues.

[OhTheRoses]

Oh hubble

Errol that should cheer up hubble. In my experience most academics have the capacity to swear black is white so the journey from dog to cat is minimal and no more than an issue of perception and belief.

[PandaG]

Well done Lucykitten for reaching out for help. I hope Roses' dd can make friends in the societies she has joined too.

I spoke to DS today for the first time, up to now it has been the odd brief text. He sounded pretty happy and very busy. He was given a maths test today, to be completed for tomorrow morning, and this will determine which maths stream he is in. It was just so good to hear his voice. :)