Dd is not going back to Uni! Is there anything I can say?

[Izzabellasasperella]

We took our dd up to Uni last week for freshers. For the first few days everything seemed fine. Then the tearful phonecalls started.
She arranged to go out with a girl she met and brought a ticket just before they were due to go the girl said that she was somewhere else and she was going with other people but dd could meet her there.(20 min walk in the dark in an area dd doesn't know)
After this she plucked up her courage to ask one of her flatmates if they were going out and could she come, they said yes so dd said she would just quickly get ready, when she came out they had gone!
She put a message on the facebook group, no one replied.
Obviously this made her so upset that she decided to come home at the weekend (we tried to persuade her to stay but if we hadn't said she could she would have come down and stayed at her boyfriends house)
So she is adamant she is not going back. Her course starts on Tue. We've tried everything including saying that she could come home every weekend(its quite a distance including a ferry) until she felt happier/made friends.
She has said she will get a job here and defer for a year.
Is there anything I can say? I feel like she hasn't given it a chance and she worked so hard to get there.

Have they agreed she can defer? Otherwise there is no guarantee of a place next year.

Op sympathies this must be upsetting. But, silver lining wise, there's another thread at the moment where a dd has decided to leave, and said she felt she'd been swept along by expectations in the 6th form. I think now that university is so much an 'obvious' next step, taking a year out, or deferring, can be a really positive thing if it gives the student more time to decide what they want to do.

I know in this case it's different because the 'prompt' for leaving is the social issues and the boyfriend rather than whether dd likes the course, but it may well be that a number of things lie behind the decision. So this could well turn out to be for the best in the long run. And if on the other hand dd does return to do the same course next year, she's lost nothing and gained a year in maturity (and perhaps some money from the job!)

First time I went to uni I stayed for 2 terms during which I became completely socially isolated, had to put up with loud music at all hours in halls and finally as the last straw was mugged.

I dropped out and got a job and went to do a college course that I didn’t end up finishing. Then I went back to uni and got a DipHE in History and a BSc in Computer Science.

Loans are more expensive now but this is far from the end of the line.

Dieantword that sounds awful, and so glad things worked out in the end for you.

Re "Loans are more expensive now", yes and in a way that makes it even more sensible to stop and wait a year or two if you're having doubts. The tramline of straight from school to university does work for many, but not all.

Dieantword that sounds awful, and so glad things worked out in the end for you.

My only regret is that the money from that job was blown on holidays instead of saved up/invested. Could have had a nice little nest egg if I’d been sensible.

Please don't be too disheartened OP. Maybe she's just not ready. I made a late decision to have a gap year, before I was due to leave but after A level results. My parents were angry and convinced that it was because I didn't want to leave my boyfriend at the time and I was told repeatedly if I didn't go then I never would. It really wasn't the boyfriend, I felt stuck on on a conveyor belt of expectations and I needed a break from studying and exams. I took my gap year, worked 3 jobs and took up my deferred place the following year.

My early experience of living in halls was very much like your daughter's, the first couple of weeks were a whirlwind and were fine but it quickly became apparent that I didn't have much in common with the girls in my flat, they were much more confident, assured and into partying than I was. They soon ditched me and I was very isolated and things were awkward although they were still friendly enough. Two of us were on the same course and she decided that as we lived together we shouldn't spend time together at uni too. All well and good but it was a small, full on course and we were already in a small friendship group so she pretty much took custody of those friends and I was isolated on the course too. By this point my self confidence was in tatters and that made it difficult to get out and make friends. It was a miserable experience but I felt unable to confide in people at home because I didn't want to disappoint them again so I carried on.

In the end and with the benefit of hindsight and it all being several years ago now I can say my 4 years at university was worth it but it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. It made me mentally tough but the damage to my self esteem was permanent and I don't think I would have survived it a year earlier.

What I'm trying to saying amongst that ramble is it really isn't the end of the world to defer, she may well do much better with a year of working behind her and please, please keep supporting her whatever she decided to do in the end. Hope it all works out for her.

Young people need to be encouraged to be resilient. Crumbling and running away at little challenges isn't a good response. People can be mean. It's hard making new friends at uni. She should persevere.

Imagine the many students who are even coming to the UK for the first time to uni. No friends, parents, etc.

The world tomorrow belongs to those who are resilient.

Learning how to cut your losses and change direction is just as valuable as learning how to power through with something unpleasant though.

There’s a big difference between being resilient and being afraid to say ‘this isn’t for me’ though. Part of being resilient is having the courage to make difficult decisions. Only the op’s DD knows what’s best in her situation for her at this stage. I work in HE in a mental health capacity and i think the ‘tough it out’ advice can often result in extremely poor mental health. The best thing your DD can do for her own future is to make her own decisions and carve out her own path.

But the challenge that put her off and made her think "this isn't for me" doesn't sound like a massive or unsual hurdle. Personally, I'd give something a good shot before deciding at a first glance that it wasn't for me simply because in the first 2 weeks people did not respond as nicely as I'd hope.

Your potential experience of university shouldn't be defined by a few strangers who were not keen to be your friend in your 1st week or two. There are lots of people to meet on the course itself, there is the course, there are loads of clubs, etc.

I wasn't friends with people in my halls of residence.

Sometimes we have to cut our losses but we need to know when to cut our losses and quitting too early might not be the best way to get training for life's greater challenges.

On the other hand you could take the view that even though it's social issues that have been the catalyst, perhaps that suggests that dd was, deep down, not that wedded to the course, or to the idea of being at university. (Though I know op said she was very excited before she went - although sometimes that is not the whole picture.)

Only dd will really know. But if that's the case then an extra year to think about it may well be a good thing. (I realise the current plan is to go back and do the same course next year, but who knows what she may decide over the year.)

After all, more than ever, now that we are being told this generation will have to work until their 70s, there is really no hurry about getting straight to career/HE/FE as soon as you've left school. (Not suggesting doing nothing for a year is a good thing of course! - but that is not what the dd is planning)

Having said that I do think it would be useful if schools/university speakers etc did a bit of the 'it can be very difficult in the first few weeks/don't worry if you hate freshers week, loads of people do', during their information sessions, so that expectations are managed realistically.

Although schools and university speakers may well do this I suppose - it may just not be the message that the Yr 13s take away! After the hassle of personal statements, grades, etc I expect it's just a relief to get offers and you don't really absorb the message that university may not be the amazing social experience it's sometimes cracked up to be, and the first few weeks may be very difficult.

It is a shame for her to give up without having even started the course. I would be doing the same and insisting she gives it a few more weeks at least.

In that time she could make new friends, move if she needs quieter accommodation and enjoying her course.

Giving it will feel like a failure in the end, and although she may be desperate to leave in the longer term she may regret doing so. She needs to grit her teeth and really plough on.

I would second you staying nearby if you can just for a week.

I’m in my last year of university and the social side is so difficult to manage. I’m older and fed up of going into rooms where every single person has a phone stuck in their face. I have friends I can sit with in lectures etc but at the end of the day I probably wouldn’t hang out with them outside of uni. I find a workplace 100 times easier to deal with that a uni campus. It is completely isolating when everyone already seems to have their little groups.

However, on the other hand I’m now 26 and wish so much that I’d gone to uni at 18 and I would have 5 years experience behind me in my career. I’ve got one son but can’t really have any more kids until I’m graduated and have a year of so post grad experience and cant sell our flat and buy a house until next year either. I wish so much I’d just picked the right course when I was 18!

" I would be doing the same and insisting she gives it a few more weeks at least."

But as op says, dparents can't in fact insist - she can't force dd onto the ferry and prevent her coming home again! Even if she could by saying ok you'll have to leave home then, won't dd go to stay with the boyfriend and anyway dparents are unlikely to want to do that? More fundamentally, dd's an adult and it's really got to be their decision.

Though I agree in some cases it may well be the right thing to encourage sticking it out for longer.

I just thought I would update you all and thank you for your replies.
Dd did defer for a year and is now back living with us. She has started a course at the local college and has a part-time job.
With hindsight I do believe it was the right decision for her, she just wasn't ready. She is happy and is being helpful around the house, she made lasagne for dinner last night (shame it was inedible😀)
Hopefully she will go back next year, possibly to a different Uni but that's her decision.
All I really want for her is a career/job that she enjoys how she gets there is up to her now.
I think the biggest lesson that this has taught me is that she is an adult now, we are here to help and guide her but we can't make her do what we want.

Izza when I went to uni there was a lad who was so homesick he went home. They offered him to come back the next year, and we all wondered whether that would make any difference.
He came back the next year and was totally happy without any homesickness or even wobbled.

Hopefully your dd will be the same.

That's good that it's all sorted. It did sound pretty awful for her. I think she has done the right thing. I think the most resilient of kids would have found the situation with the other girls going out without them difficult.

It really doesn't matter at all if she takes a year to work out what she wants to do.

Hope everything goes well for you all.

Thanks for the update - so glad dd is happy, and it sounds very sensible to take her time to decide what she'd like to do.
I think starting university can be so stressful for some teens, and a bit of extra experience/age can sometimes be very helpful.

That's good to hear, OP, and thank you for updating. Good luck to your DD, and here's to edible lasagne!