Dd is not going back to Uni! Is there anything I can say?

[Izzabellasasperella]

We took our dd up to Uni last week for freshers. For the first few days everything seemed fine. Then the tearful phonecalls started.
She arranged to go out with a girl she met and brought a ticket just before they were due to go the girl said that she was somewhere else and she was going with other people but dd could meet her there.(20 min walk in the dark in an area dd doesn't know)
After this she plucked up her courage to ask one of her flatmates if they were going out and could she come, they said yes so dd said she would just quickly get ready, when she came out they had gone!
She put a message on the facebook group, no one replied.
Obviously this made her so upset that she decided to come home at the weekend (we tried to persuade her to stay but if we hadn't said she could she would have come down and stayed at her boyfriends house)
So she is adamant she is not going back. Her course starts on Tue. We've tried everything including saying that she could come home every weekend(its quite a distance including a ferry) until she felt happier/made friends.
She has said she will get a job here and defer for a year.
Is there anything I can say? I feel like she hasn't given it a chance and she worked so hard to get there.

Would it be such a bad thing if she never went back, a university degree is not much use these days unfortunately.

Although as a parent I can understand that we want the best for our children and their future, maybe she will still be able to have a good future for herself. Just give her the chance to prove to you, she might surprise you and go back next year. :)

Has she met the people on her course yet? She may make her ‘real’ friends through lectures?

All is not lost. She's probably got the right idea, get a bit of life experience for a year and try again next year. And as another pp has said, a degree isn't worth that much anyway these days. There are too many graduates chasing too few jobs.

She hasn't met anyone on her course yet, it starts tomorrow.
We will have to go up and pick all her stuff up. It just seems such a waste. She was so excited before she went.
I suppose it won't be the end of the world if she doesn't get a degree but she has had this plan for years.

Your daughter has been really unlucky with her flatmates. I guess taking a year out isn’t the end of the world. Hopefully you can all get some old advice from the Uni. They will have seen this a million times before. It’s not unusual.

Staying in halls with noisy party animals is dd's worst nightmare. She doesn't want to go to uni for this very reason!

I suppose it won't be the end of the world if she doesn't get a degree but she has had this plan for years

She can still get a degree 😊. I feel for you all but there is no reason it can’t all work out. Make sure you get all the facts re financing, deferring her place etc then go from there. It’s dissapointing but better than starting the course then dropping out half way through.

I would really try and get her to stick it out for another month, my course mates ended up being some of my best friends for life.

I totally agree that university isn’t the be all and end all, but she hasn’t even tried the actual studying part yet! She may meet very similar like minded people on her course that will support her to move halls or stick it out with flat mates. The first week is always crazy, with lots of people panicking about not being left out and making poor decisions as part of that. I’d really, really encourage her to give it another couple of weeks.

I would encourage her to at least talk to someone in student welfare, as she might take on board non parent advice.
Maybe she can swap rooms or something. She might meet people on her course that she gets on better with. I do feel for her though and you, I would have hated uni for this sort of thing, and am only now studying for a degree (OU) in my 40s!

What utter shite to say a university degree is not worth much these days.
Some degrees are not worth much but such a sweeping generalisation is just nonsense.
OP have you both checked what the financial situation is if she drops out now? What will she still be liable for in terms of tuition fees and accommodation costs?
Both my DDs had issues of sorts. DD1 was left out of things by her flatmates in year 1 halls. Fortunately she has a thick skin and just got on with meeting her sort of people on her course. She’s had lots of flat shares since and never had the same experience again.
DD2 had a terrible time in her year 1 halls. She wasn’t able to shrug it off. They were all party animals and she was kept awake every night and couldn’t work in the day because she was tired. I used to get texts in the middle of the night sayings she couldn’t stay. She was reluctant to move halls but eventually she couldn’t cope any more and moved. She’s now going into her third year. I can’t pretend it’s all been plain sailing. But she’s done really well in her studies and is thinking unexpectedly about a year 4.
Not every flat will be party central. Lots will calm down after freshers. But she will definitely be able to move

Honestly, I didn't get on with anyone in my halls, I hated it, party animals, noisy, messy kitchen etc. What helped keep me sane was meeting like minded people on my course, who I could go for lunch or a coffee with, etc. I hated my first year in halls but stuck it out. It got much better when I moved to a shared house with course mates. I never kept in touch with anyone from my first year halls of residence. It was a miserable year though.

Slightly different, my sister didn't like her course, and switched after the first 4 weeks to a completely different uni and settled in.

I feel for your daughter, she sounds so much like me, except it was my stubborn determination and fear of letting my parents down that made me stay in my first year despite being miserable.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with deferring as long as you have plans for the year, eg a job or travel etc. Lots of employers value the experience anyway.

Ultimately it doesn't matter if she never goes to university, there are lots of other routes in to careers these days. I'm a senior manager in the finance industry, working alongside very respected peers of a similar age who never went to Uni, but found other options to get to the same position as me, and we're all seen as equals.

Oh dear, I think she needs a bit of a pep talk. Dropping out now would not be a great idea, as she really hasn’t given it a chance.

For what it’s worth, I had an atypical student experience and was really miserable at times during that first year. I seriously considered dropping out/changing university etc. In hindsight I am glad that I pushed on through, graduated in the minimum possible time and got on with my life. The mistake I probably made was in not making more use of the university support services available - I had a bizarre idea that they were for people much worse off than me! - whereas some could have been really helpful.

I think she needs a push, tbh. At the very least try changing accommodation before throwing in the towel.

That’s quite a specialised course. Has she spoken to her dept they may not be happy for her to defer . She cannot just run away , if her course starts today she should be there and speaking to her course colleagues and tutors, they will be able to advise her and may in fact be able to have some influence with the accommodation office .

I think part of the problem is that they do get excited and have high expectations, so when these aren't immediately met it all comes crashing down. Not everyone will be like her and some will calm done as time goes on and novelty of partying takes its toll.

Encourage her to go back and meet her course tutors and fellow students. That was presumably why she chose it initially, so if it seems better the rest can be overcome. If she still feels the same way then discuss deferring. However she may find the accommodations issue is repeated next year.

I'd be very unhappy about my DD quitting Uni over what is essentially one failed night out.

She hasn't had a single lecture yet or met anyone on her Course. She needs to try out different aspects of Uni life to find some like minded friends. Not everyone there will be kitchen trashing party animals. Accommodation issues can be sorted out, it's not something to give up over.

Resilience and problem solving are key life skills. I think you need to help her develop these so she can stay at Uni and achieve the degree she wants.

I would suggest waiting until after her cour see starts. My Dd is a mentor for the new people on her course does her uni do this. She does need to speak to someone at the uni though before making hasty decisions. I'm sure they could sort the accommodation out if he gives it a chance.

Dropped mine off yesterday, she is NOT a party animal and is worried about freshers and all it entails, her uni gave her a "Quiet room" we will see if it ends up being that way as it is basically just away from the social areas and she only has a neighbour on one side. She is doing quite a specific geeky degree and i think her social side will come from that rather than her flatmates. The uni will have well being staff, use them, encourage her to stay until she has at least met her course mates, I am sure the tearful messages are really hard but I think it would be better if she stuck it out a bit longer, good luck, it's a tough time xx

All of what MrsChollySawcutt said. She hasn't even come close to giving it a chance and quitting at this stage over accommodation issues is mad. Also she's an adult now, a 20 minute walk in the dark through an area she doesn't know? Well, yes, welcome to university - most of us are getting to know a new city and have to walk around it in the dark.

I think she will regret deferring, not least because she will have taught herself she's not capable of facing the fairly modest problem that is not clicking with flatmates yet. And I would be fairly wary of her tying herself more to her current boyfriend by going to uni to be with him, when odds are very high their relationship isn't going to survive the transition to adulthood.

Pulling out over a standard Fresher wobble is a massive, massive overreaction.

I've just tried talking again with dd but I don't think it did any good. I have spoken to the Uni who say if she defers they will hold her place for her.Accomodation won't move her till November.I'm going to get her to ring Student Welfare who may to able to help.
Her Dad is coming back at lunchtime for another chat.

OP I had similar problems when I went to uni. I was (still am) very quiet and hated being in halls because I couldn’t cope with the constant noise,drinking, strangers coming and going, one girl’s bf sharing her single bed and wandering round the shared kitchen wearing her tiny pink dressing gown... it was all too boisterous and inappropriate. I struggled to make friends and found it difficult to integrate and isolating being away from my family.

I quit and went home. Started a new course when I was slightly older and coped much better, mostly because I talked to the university beforehand and got put in shared accommodation with lovely quiet academically oriented Chinese and Indian international students. Perhaps your DD would benefit from starting over with a group of people who are more her “type”? And it’s ok if she isn’t quite ready yet, some people need a little more time.

Your dd needs to speak to the uni , not you. I'm afraid they are less likely to listen to parental concerns re. Suitability of accommodation and moving etc, than if she approaches them. 18 yos are not typically preoccupied by consequences of their actions, especially when newly away from home. The group probably assumed she would catch them up rather than deliberately abandoned her. Maybe she is overthinking it and should give them a second chance.

Oh bless her for what it’s worrh EVERYONE i know who made lifelong friends from university (I’m in my thirties) met them in seminars/at the anime/ballroom dancing/philosophy society etc, not in halls. If I were her, I’d give it till Christmas and make a concerted effort to go to some societies that look interesting. Her tribe is there, she just needs to find them

And her flat mates sound immature and mean,so fuck em. She can move out in a year with all the lovely people she meets at book club or theatre soc or whatever

The problem is she's at home and I can't push her on to the coach to go back.
If she starts her course and then decides to defer would she be liable for any course fees?
I have just said go back,enrol and if she hates it then we could go up on Saturday to pick up her and her stuff.

Think you have up to two weeks before fees kick in. Does she have an allocated course tutor, could she ring them or admissions tutor?