Dd is not going back to Uni! Is there anything I can say?

[Izzabellasasperella]

We took our dd up to Uni last week for freshers. For the first few days everything seemed fine. Then the tearful phonecalls started.
She arranged to go out with a girl she met and brought a ticket just before they were due to go the girl said that she was somewhere else and she was going with other people but dd could meet her there.(20 min walk in the dark in an area dd doesn't know)
After this she plucked up her courage to ask one of her flatmates if they were going out and could she come, they said yes so dd said she would just quickly get ready, when she came out they had gone!
She put a message on the facebook group, no one replied.
Obviously this made her so upset that she decided to come home at the weekend (we tried to persuade her to stay but if we hadn't said she could she would have come down and stayed at her boyfriends house)
So she is adamant she is not going back. Her course starts on Tue. We've tried everything including saying that she could come home every weekend(its quite a distance including a ferry) until she felt happier/made friends.
She has said she will get a job here and defer for a year.
Is there anything I can say? I feel like she hasn't given it a chance and she worked so hard to get there.

[blue25]

It's far too early to pull out. I wouldn't be happy about it at all. She'll meet lots of other people on her course/clubs etc. She hasn't really given it a chance has she?

[paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking]

The beginning of university life is such a random lottery. I would try and ask her to complete 2-3 weeks of her course and then see if she can manage to see a future.

Courses are so different. Most of my friends were on arts degrees with 8 hours of lectures/tutorials a week so we had very little contact time with our course mates, and we gravitated towards our friends in accommodation early on. Some others in our halls who were studying more scientific subjects or engineering with many more hours a week
in lectures or in the lab were much less present once courses started as they spent a lot more time with people on their course, who became their main friendship group. She doesn't even know yet if she's going to be more comfortable with friends from her course.

[paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking]

Have just read about the course fees and think I'd actually ask her to stay until the fee deadline, and then support her with her decision.

[GeorgeTheHippo]

She hasn't given it a try yet, she's just panicked. I think you need to be firm. Find out the deadline after which she starts to lose money (I think almost Christmas for the tuition fees?) and explain it. Get her to stay for two weeks minimum. The discuss it after the two weeks.

[GeorgeTheHippo]

Tell her she chose this course for a reason, that she is an adult now, that things can seem hard at first but turn out ok. She hasn't even started the lectures, she can't decide yet.

(And yes, my kids are this age).

[whitershadeofpale]

I'd be very worried that this is actually about an over reliance on her boyfriend. This is an extreme reaction to something which whilst upsetting was avoidable on her part (there was no reason for her not to flake out on her first arrangements) and not a massive deal in the scheme of things, at least not enough to make her not even stick it out for a week and try the course!

The moving with her boyfriend next year would make me worry that not wanting to be away from him is the real motive behind this and she's used the first opportunity she can seize to move back to him.

[carbuckety]

Phone the student welfare office of the university. Does she have mental,health problems ( anxiety for example)? She sounds scared and upset and very lonely. Going to university is a huge step. She may not be ready. I hated my first one and dropped out after 2 terms. was so lonely and couldn't find anyone to be friends with. I was lucky as I got a place somewhere else the following year and loved it. But this isn't such an easy option finanthese days. Talk to the university. Maybe she can see witch accommodation? I think catered halls are so much better for friendships. Good luck. It's a huge worry. Btw our DS did 2 years and failed. Did resits and failed. Took a year out and reset. And passed. Went back and dropped out a month later. He is finally happy. University isn't for everyone.

[Chocolala]

Not everyone is ready at 18 for uni. It’s not a crime, and a year out might do her good.

I would have hated living in the situation you describe. If they won’t move her at all, she’s unlikely to be happy there - which is a big issue. I would push for better accommodation though.

[LIZS]

Accommodation is only part of the picture though. Once she meets her course students and joins societies her perspective and social life may change. Is her boyfriend a student or is he working locally?

[Taylor22]

I would tell her that she needs to complete on week of classes. One week will not kill her.

But it could help her meet some more likeminded people.
She is literally quitting at the first hurdle. Also how does she plan to get the money together to move back? Has she even read the Ts&Cs of the accommodation costs or Uni costs?

[Izzabellasasperella]

I do think over reliance on the bf has played a big part in this. They were more or less joined at the hip😀 Even working together through the summer. He has just started a course here and has a part time job. They have been together for nearly 5 years so obviously it was hard for her.

[CountessVonBoobs]

You can't manhandle her back on the coach, no, but you can tell her you don't think her solution is the right one, and you can put the ball in her court to sort things out, as Taylor suggests. Has she read the T's and C's? Has she spoken to the university office and the SU herself? How is she going to contribute, financially and practically, to the household during the year she lives at home?

I would be inclined to strike a deal with her along the lines of, she sticks it out until Christmas and if she takes a measured decision then that the course isn't for her right now you will support her to change her plans. If she is making an effort and accessing support services but it really does seem that this uni or this course isn't for her, she can come home sooner.

As it is, though, she has quite literally run away after one evening of awkwardness and that is no way for an adult to behave. It's reasonable to have a wobble, a big cry, seek out some comfort etc. But then you have to put your adult head on, dry your tears, take a big breath and sort your own shit out.

[CountessVonBoobs]

The extra detail about the boyfriend makes me even more inclined not to enable her hiding at home, tbh. The chances that she marries this guy are very, very small, but organising her young adult life around him could lead to her limiting herself massively and missing out on a lot.

If they truly are soulmates, he'll still be there when she graduates.

[otterturk]

She needs to toughen up and stick it out a bit longer. Surely a couple of small incidents about going out can't have put her off an entire year at university??!

[RaininSummer]

I would have hated living in halls when I went to Uni so maybe she would be happier in a shared house. Plenty of careers are degree entry so it is a little daft to say a degree is not worth anything these days. It's not the end of the world to defer a year but also not the greatest idea to go with her boyfriend but I guess it works for some people.

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Bless her, must be really hard. She's going to have to toughen up a bit though isn't she if she's going to get anywhere in life!

[VeryBerrySeptember]

If you are still unsure as to details around fees tell her to get finding out the details immediately. Only then can you have all the facts on what these choices may cost.

[BubblesBuddy]

Its the boyfriend - isn’t it. She misses him and university isn’t going to make up for it. Is he determined to go to university or is he likely to be flaky too? I think his intentions are now key. If he goes to another university, what will your DD do? Is Nutrition widely available? He should be applying for his degree fairly soon now, so what is he doing next year and where? I would get him round and have a conference! All cards on the table!

[Peaseblossom22]

The OP has said that the boyfriend is going to try to get an apprenticeship close to the university next year . Do not university. On the face of it it would seem that the bf is the issue, if the have been joined st the hip for 5 years she has forgotten how to function as an individual . Difficult to know how to gently point this out though, probably won’t go down well

[RaininSummer]

Actually something else to bear in mind is that apprentices generally live with their parents as most only earn about five hundred quid a month so him moving too probably won't happen.

[hoochymama1]

Izabella many sympathies this is a tricky one. Eldest DS only completed his physics degree (he got a first in the end) after he lived with us and commuted into uni. He left home in the end After many false starts and me trying to make him live away Maybe she needs to be at home a bit longer. Bless her. Sounds like it was all a bit horrible for her. They are still so young...

[Crystalblue13]

Pooor thing it’ll be horrible for her feeling like she doesn’t fit in :( but I think you’re right to encourage her to go back at least another week and see how she feels. Hopefully she will end up loving it

[Thatdidntlastlong]

Do you have to leave before teaching actually starts (or even earlier??) to prevent that 'year' being counted as a year of student funding from the Student Loan Company's point of view (so that it reduces the number of years you can get in future)? I think I read somewhere that even a couple of weeks 'counts' as a year with the SLC - is that right? If so, the usual sensible advice to try sticking it out for a few weeks does have to be balanced with the quite siqnificant financial implications for future courses. SLC may be able to confirm/deny. (I agree that university halls living is not for everyone, and absolutely no shame in that.)

[Thatdidntlastlong]

Though this student room link seems to suggest that if you leave in 1st year you could still get funding for another 3 or 4 yr course (which I think another pp has also suggested earlier?). www.thestudentroom.co.uk/university/advice/how-dropping-out-will-affect-your-finances

[Izzabellasasperella]

Thank you for all your kind messages. Dd has decided to defer for a year. We tried everything we could to get her to go back but to no avail. She has an interview for a part time job today and is going to our local college to look into doing a course there.She has been in contact with the Uni and is going up in the next few days to pick up her stuff.
I am disappointed with her decision but hoping we can build her up to go next year.