Year abroad - like Freshers but worse !

[Ih8usernames]

Seeking support & hand holding from others whose DC are starting 3rd year abroad & struggling. DDis in Europe, so not too far away,& it's very early days. She's finding EVERYTHING hard & I'm getting tearful calls all hours day & night. It's heartbreaking. Languages degree, so it's mandatory, no dropping out or going back now. Freshers week in U.K. was bad enough, this is same again x 10. Planning a long weekend visit next month, but not sure if that's too soon, if she's just starting (hopefully) to settle in . Bit more complicated arranging flights & hotel, than when she was a 2hour train ride away. 😕

Betty, I totally disagree. I don't believe any of this is normal. At all. Crying every night, as one pp said, I don't consider normal. I totally get it, that its unusual, weird, and takes time to get used to. Some homesickness and missing mum, I can totally get. But the levels described by most of the posters, are way beyond that, and NOT what I myself would consider normal.

We all knew exactly where everyone on our course was going: who was going to Moscow, who was going to St Petersburg, who was going to Voronezh. We all arranged group overnight trains to visit eachother at weekends, in the first 2 months.

Why would you not ask around? Ask your teacher, was anyone else going to the French place you are going to? and even if you hadn't spoken to Cynthia, on the other french side of the course before, you might have then, plucked up enough courage to ask her about meeting up once you got there?

Or done SOME sort of preparations re trying to acclimatize yourself.

Like the poster who went to Egypt? or similar - in the summer before.
Cairo is very different, the heat, the smells, the beeping cars, the staring, the men. None of this is off-putting if you are prepared for it, or open minded.

Many people just sound un-prepared. As if they haven't given enough thought to this side of the course, ie the year abroad.

I did nearly 1.5 years travelling before uni. So I'd seen Italy, Greece, turkey, Israel, Egypt, Russia twice. Lots of students, as posters on this thread, have said, have never been abroad. I appreciate that. BUT, if that IS the case, then greater preparations need to be made beforehand.

And that is just a FACT.

Wow! Let us all bow down to the great Oblomov! All that international travel yet he/she didn't manage to acquire any empathy. Sad really.

Oh dear Dizzy.
Poor old Dizzy.
Something has really got your goat. So fuck off dear.
I have lots of Empathy.
But I think people should be grateful for year abroad opportunities that most would kill for.

I missed all of Dizzy's posts. How many were there? How many posts?
Which Uni was her dd at. Doing what course? which country did her dd go to? For the year abroad.

Oh that's right. NONE. No info. Yeah right.......

You're not doing yourself any favours, Oblov.

Op asked for support and handholding and not a guilt trip on how she hasn't prepared her daughter for this moment . It sounds to me like ops daughter has got real bottle putting herself out there, knowing she lacks social confidence, best of luck to her I say .

OP,
lots of sympathy from me at least.

I did not study languages, but worked overseas before I got married: Paris, New York, Hamburg and Asia.

And each time the initial weeks were grim. A few real wtf moments as I looked at my new four walls and wondered what I was doing there. Particuarly in Germany where work colleagues had not been happy that a Brit was hired.

I would suggest:

1. See the first few weeks as an investment. It is grim. Take up every opportunity you have to get out and meet people. Lunch with the old family friend, whatever. A couple of my good early friends in Hamburg were a stunning Scandinavian model and a Korean opera singer. I met the first in the local pizza place, and the second in a language class. We were alone and happy to have friends to meet up with. One of the benefits of being outside normal comfort zones.

1. Get a TV. Colloquial language and learned language can be quite different, which is why you study abroad. Listening in a foreign language and trying to make yourself understood is hard work, and exhausting. Having the TV on is a quick way to improving fluency. (TV is much easier than radio because of the visual clues. I learnt a lot of german from Sesam Strasse.)

1. set yourself initial tasks and acknowledge achievements. University admin, sorting out transport season ticket, finding the supermarket.

1. Allow yourself a break, perhaps about six weeks in: either a trip home or a visit from family or friends. By then you will be exhausted.

I did go on to have a good time in each place, and I made some fantastic life long friends. People who go out of their way to support you in those early weeks are worth knowing. However some places took longer than others. A lot is luck and making the right connections. Which is why you need to get out there. It will happen eventually.

It would be nicer if this were a supportive thread, rather than blaming anyone who's struggling for being a bit feeble or unprepared.

Bubbles she's in Pau. She loves the city and will be quite happy once the admin's sorted I think.

She doesn't really mind which classes she does, just wants them confirmed. I think it's just the way the university is organised (or not) - if it were just her having issues I'd be more concerned, but most of the international students seem to be finding it tricky, so I guess this is a regular occurrence and things will resolve themselves. I just have to read her complaints!

As far as I understand it, she has to pass her foreign uni courses, which includes the January exams. And do the essay/dissertation. But it only counts for a very small percentage of her degree.

Another one to say that the first few weeks will take her way out of her comfort zone but they will eventually become her 'new normal'. I had one in the US last year where 40% of the course and classes that had been planned were diverted after summer to another nearby campus of partner Uni which mine couldn't attend. That was a real hurdle and wiped the fun from arrival. Room mate also insisted on steaming rice and pork dumplings next to DC's bed at 07.00am on a mini stove. No fun when you are vegetarian.

But it does turn around. Build on her positives. If something works try to get her do more of that or repeat it the next day or every other day. Mine had to learn to email professors and subject specialists and beg to be let on to 'full' classes. It's amazing how they grow very quickly and their resilience kicks in. Eventually people in the dept began to recognise DC. After a very fraught initial three weeks it all was less stressful and more enjoyable. We travelled out at week 6.

If yours will let you -try to get her on SnapChat with the location turned on. If she knows that you can see where she is she may feel less alone.

I sympathise! I absolutely hated my Erasmus year at first. No phone except the impossible to use communal phone in halls (I feel old!) meant I felt really cut off. Nobody else from my uni was there and everyone had friendship groups already. It is really hard dealing with everything on your own in a new language! I ended up coming home early for Christmas. However, I really got into it the next term and ended up loving it . Your dd needs to give it time but it is hard.

I really don’t understand why Oblomov has to resort to that type of post. It’s not helpful!

Atia: my DD was expected to take the exams at the universities abroad but didn’t have to pass them! She did but obviously Teaching Assistants and students working don’t do exams or pass anything. So she may not actually have to pass. On my DDs course in Italy only 7 students passed out of 33. In Italy you keep taking the modules until you pass. Some take 7 years to get an Bachelors degree. Exams are held every 2 months. You just keep plugging away. It might also explain why the university had 88,000 students!

Having looked at quite an old post on www.thirdyearabroad.com, there seems to be the Italian issue in that French students live at home. So DCs have to try and make friends with class mates and other exchange students.

With joint honours, my DD had friends doing all sorts of things in all sorts of countries. Only 4 went to Switzerland and she knew one other. No one she knew was originally in her Italian city but two TAs moved there who had been stuck in schools in nearby towns with Italian families. They craved the delights of a city and a bit of fun - so they moved! Commuted to work. One student also went to the translation school in a nearby town. The pool of friends from your university might be very small. Russian courses tend to be small. French courses are often the largest. Knowing where people are going is almost impossible and there probably are not loads of students immediately available.

I didn’t read that anyone was crying all the time but it’s more a case of not being settled. I think you do have to be a bit insistent re getting into courses. Is it that Erasmus students get last choice behind home students? Be as flexible as possible about the courses.

Unfortunately the French universities appear to be disorganised according to DDs friends but it will be ok! My DD wanted to go to Italy so much but found the university poor. We are spoilt in this country. She said Italian students ate, talked or snogged through the lectures. The lecturers and students had smoking breaks. The exam system was a nightmare for exchange students and she’s less keen on Italy then she was. She now says she would never live there. Just too chaotic.

Hi, also feel for you and your DD. My 3rd year was working for a French company in Northern France (no others from my uni in the same city), no language classes or Erasmus students etc, flat sharing with French students who all went home Friday afternoon and came back Monday morning (so I was on my own all weekend) and I was really lonely. A couple of staff members were lovely, inviting me for dinner but it was tough at the beginning. Just the public phone box across the road to phone home once a week.

I did enjoy it eventually but it was really tough at the start. Hope your daughter settles soon.

hoping the Germans live up to their stereotype and it's all a bit easier.

I spent a year, well two semesters at a German University and had a brilliant time, in an absolute social whirl. So much so, that i didn't do a stroke of work all year, came home in the summer with my whole dissertation to do. Eeeeekkk, but even that experience got me started using computers, which opened up lots of brilliant opportunities.

Hope your DC finds a good balance.

Oh wow just checked back in on this thread & hearing everyone's experiences, good & bad, is really interesting and so helpful and supportive (not sure what Oblo's problem is but hey ho there's always one isn't there !) The consensus seems to be that it's hard work but very much worth it, eventually. So glad to have this discussion!

I did a year abroad as part of my French degree. I dreaded it. I am not going to lie, I found it very very hard and didn't leave my room for the first week and just cried.

BUT - it was the absolute making of me. I was forced to put myself in scary situations, to stand in front of a classroom of kids and teach, to come out of my shell.

There is no way I would have done this had it not been compulsory but I am so glad that I did.

Do give us an update OP - when there is better news I hope!

Do any of your DC play a musical instrument? I know a friend of mine was incredibly homesick on her year abroad (I did a year in industry which I wobbled at enough, and I was still in the UK!), and we made a "pact" that we'd both go to the nearest university wind band (we both play the clarinet). It actually worked really well — rehearsals are usually pretty similar wherever you are so it feels a bit familiar, and you talk a little bit to people sitting near you, but the music is the focus so it takes the pressure off a bit.

I hope things start improving soon — I think most people feel better when they're in a bit of a routine. Hugs to all the mums as well, it can't be fun for you!

I did a year abroad in 80's. First few weeks were grim. Had to move away from drunk flatmate which didn't help but I made friends and travelled with them at weekends and eventually had a ball.
Native friends and british friends are still close to me 32 years on.
It's just so hard at start not knowing where to buy anything or how culture works.
Should get better OP. Try to get her to socialise.

Tell her to hang in there! I was in Germany for a year and i hated it at first. But at the end I didn’t want to leave!

Back again, just read through all these posts - really feel for all of you /your DC! Update her is things are getting a bit better as far as going to lectures , so she has things to occupy her time. She has met some people at uni but not gone out much socially, and the housemates still don't mingle, eat in their rooms which to me sounds gloomy! Apparently there are Erasmus events but you can't book online , you have to go in person , with cash, & she's missed a couple of things. Overall things are a bit better but she says she's sad all the time

I did this when I did my own MFL degree some 30 years ago now (I really can't believe it was that long ago ).

I loved the languages degree, but when it came to the year abroad actually happening I was terrified and did wonder at first why I had ever thought anything like that was a good idea in the first place.

I did settle into it though, and luckily was in a hall of residence with two other girls from my course for the first six months. So we had each other.

The second six months were harder as we moved on to different countries and universities, and I was on my own. I still clearly remember just having no option but to go into the kitchen and introduce myself to a large group of Germans who were already in a friendship group. I was terrified, but they were very friendly and helpful. It was fine after that.

My own DD1 has done it more recently, spending a year in Paris working as a teaching assistant. She was terrified too at first, and I clearly remember the day I helped her get her luggage to the Eurostar terminal at London St. Pancreas. I felt awful having to just leave her there. I knew exactly how it felt from my own experience and she had admitted to the same feelings.

She loved Paris itself. She was lucky enough to be sharing a flat with one of her course mates, so that helped a lot. I will freely admit that it helped me too, knowing she wouldn't be alone. She didn't have such a great time in some of the schools she was placed in, as a number of staff (not all) were not friendly to their foreign teaching assistants.

I think overall though she looks back on her year abroad as a good experience, albeit with it's ups and downs. She made some good friends.

I was able to hop on the Eurostar and go to visit about six weeks in, which worked well.

Then in the February half term DH and I took her two younger teenage sisters over for the family visit (a long weekend). Then towards the end of the academic year DH and I went back on our own and helped her bring all of her stuff back.

I do think it helps to break it up into manageable chunks like that. We also found WhatsApp brilliant. I so wish there had been something like that around when I did it. It would have helped so much to deal with some of the isolation.

Good luck to your DD. Most of us here do understand what you and she are going through. Perseverance is key. Family support via WhatsApp or FB messenger, and plan in the odd visit if you can.

DS did a year abroad as a language assistant in a remote area of France as part of his degree. He was totally alone, living in school accommodation miles from anywhere. I think I was more upset/worried than he was. I wanted him to have a great time, meeting lots of people from all over the world. Strangely that did happen by default. He met an American girl during a half term jaunt he hadq organised for himself. She was several hours away by a dreadful train service but they landed up sticking together for a couple of years after they had returned to their respective home countries.

What I'm really saying is sometimes these seemingly unpromising situations turn out to be great in the end. Lots of young people find the year abroad daunting, even challenging, especially at the beginning when all the new things come at once. Its early days, if she can stick at it it will definitely build resilience and might turn out to be her favourite year at university.

I did this years ago too...15 hour flight away. I was lucky to be with another girl from my uni but this isn't about language, it's about culture shock. I think universities here should prepare students for this. We had a professor from the region sit us down and go through what to expect from the culture and people in the host countries and she answered all our questions very honestly. This helped so much once we were there. Being homesick is normal but can be so painful. I hope your dd settles soon op.

Ih8: Say to your DD that going to the Erasmus events really does help and she should make that a priority. It allows you to meet others who are in exactly the same situation. Be proactive about that.

I’m surprised the other students eat in their rooms. Are the from the UK? This seems unusual. I think being sad is homesickness . I’m glad her courses are now organised. That will be an improvement. I totally agree with using WhatsApp. As I said earlier, when DDs friend was isolated, she was able to move in with DD when a room became available in her flat. Your DD might be able to move if she can locate others from her university or make friends.

I think universities try and prep the students a bit. They know Language Assistants can be sent anywhere. They can choose a university although it’s sometimes competitive for the popular ones. They are told about finding accommodation and researching the city/area they are going to. They are told (in DDs case) they must do a translation course because that’s the agreement between the universities. As I said above, Switzerland and Germany were held up as organised. Other countries less so in varying degrees! DD rushed for the Swiss opportunity! However you are never going to know you will have awkward flat mates. It’s difficult to know, in advance, exactly how your university will be chaotic. You also won’t know in advance how your emotions will see saw. I don’t think professors take this task on these days!

I’m surprised the other students eat in their rooms.

Dd's in halls, and there are other international students there too, but it's all just long corridors, no communal areas. The kitchen is a mostly empty room, with counters, 4 hob rings and a microwave. The microwave has a sticker on saying "new for 2018"! No cupboards, equipment, table, chairs, etc. She has a fridge in her room, and has bought herself a kettle.

The uni canteen doesn't cater for vegetarians - there will be e.g. pasta and meat sauce, sometimes a fish option, but literally no vegetarian pasta sauce. You forget how things have changed here. Dd tries to follow a vegan diet, and she went very prepared for that to be difficult, having been to France many times, but she wasn't really expecting only to be able to eat e.g. mash and courgettes, which was one of her canteen meals!