Year abroad - like Freshers but worse !

[Ih8usernames]

Seeking support & hand holding from others whose DC are starting 3rd year abroad & struggling. DDis in Europe, so not too far away,& it's very early days. She's finding EVERYTHING hard & I'm getting tearful calls all hours day & night. It's heartbreaking. Languages degree, so it's mandatory, no dropping out or going back now. Freshers week in U.K. was bad enough, this is same again x 10. Planning a long weekend visit next month, but not sure if that's too soon, if she's just starting (hopefully) to settle in . Bit more complicated arranging flights & hotel, than when she was a 2hour train ride away. 😕

So good to read all these, and share the load! Maybe a visit next month is ok , then , & not too soon. I've been urging her to see it in terms, or half terms, rather than A YEAR- that sounds much scarier for her somehow. Visit next month, then she might have a weekend back here in November, then Christmas will be round the corner! Fifi, Will your DD come back from Japan at Christmas?

Yes to Erasmus trips & also getting to know the place & get 'invested' in it.

They are all so brave, a new culture is a big thing anywhere in the world. Not entirely sure my DD knew what she was letting herself in for, first time away from home alone , when her previous longest trip away from us was a 3 night geography field trip in sixth form. Yes she will be home for Christmas, just, she has lectures on Christmas eve so will get a late night flight and arrive in London Christmas afternoon. Also her first plane journey alone and she has 2 flights with a transfer!!.

I can totally relate - my grandmother (who I was very close to) died in the first week of my year abroad. Honestly I didn't have a great time. Flying back for the funeral and just generally being sad rather disrupted to start of the year. I was always a quiet person and didn't/don't enjoy partying. I spent most of the year watching tv and planning inter railing trips. Definitely get her to think of it in half terms and it flies by. Also let her know it is ok to be lonely/ a bit unhappy but to find things she is enjoying even if it is just access to awesome crepes or whatever.

Hello again.

I think there are a few misunderstandings from some posters. It is pretty hard when they go to a foreign university. They do not go as a university group unless they have specifically organised a Facebook group informally. My DD didn’t meet a single person from her university at either of the two she went to in Europe. Like lots of British universities, they offered many Erasmus/year abroad opportunities and some Spanish students went to Latin America and even Reunion Island was offered to the French students.

It can be daunting to find suitable accommodation and get started. My dd was fortunate that, at her first university, everything worked perfectly. It was in Switzerland. They made a huge effort to put on welcome events for the Erasmus students and she was integrated into the university flat with Swiss flatmates very quickly. She never had any English friends there at all. The Swiss could not have been more welcoming.

However it is not the same standard everywhere and some universities are chaotic. My DDs university Erasmus staff said Switzerland and Germany were well organised, as a rule, others less so in varying degrees. My DD also likes order, so Switzerland ticked that box - the second semester in Italy was the complete opposite. It was just as well it was the second semester.

There is no doubt that it is a challenge. I would suggest that anyone attached to a university goes to anything and everything the university organises for Erasmus students. Even if you don’t get to be great buddies with your flat mates you should meet other kindred spirits on your courses and at the Erasmus events.

Knock on a few doors. Ask if flatmates would like to go for a coffee. Are they foreign too or locals? DD found local Italian students were self contained, and stuck together because they lived at home. She never even got to have coffee with any of them. As a result, she was grateful that the Erasmus group found each other. It’s not always like that and a friend a year later at the same university made lots of Italian friends. It can be luck of the draw who you gel with and you cannot force friendships. You may meet Erasmus students that you really get on with. That’s way better than no one at all. As DD had no luck making friends with Italians at all she was grateful for friends from other countries. You do have to be flexible and as outgoing as possible to make connections and some students find that hard.

When classes settle down and some sort of routine is established, then it does get easier. There may well be opportunities to travel and that can be exciting. DD always says overcoming the challenges posed by the third year abroad is one of her successes in life. So a successful year can be a real boost to self confidence and is definitely good on the cv.

Hang on in there and it really will get easier. Have a look for any blogs for tips and the “Third Year Abroad” web site might have something too. We took DD to Switzerland and visited Italy too. DD also came home for the odd weekend for 21st birthdays. Offer the carrot of a home visit when it’s going better or visit yourself. Book the Christmas flights home in good time. Like now!

Both my DDs went to school in South Africa for the spring term when they were in year 9. Aged 13. It was a school exchange. 2 flights to get to the South African town and no parents! We just said “bye bye” at Heathrow. Two girls went on each occasion. They really will be ok and they are capable. Just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

Good point about booking flights- I will ask her for dates now she's got her timetable. That's a good time marker as well, she can get those in her calendar. Knocking on flat mates doors-don't think she's feeling up to that just yet. Flatmates seem nice, but busy with other friends. They communicate in a shared 2nd language, so that requires a bit more effort too.
😮South Africa in Year 9!

Hi all

My DD is one month into her exchange year in the US - we're based in Japan, and its her first time living away from home (she commuted to her uni from home for two years)

She is actually doing really well - we had to find an apartment and she is sharing with 6 other international students and luckily they all go out and socialise together.
It wasn't the first time she's flown alone or anything so that part was fine, and I will go out and see her at Xmas.

Fifi I'm sure your DD will find her feet in Tokyo - is she at a university? At least you know its safe here in Japan!
My DD said that one of her flatmates thought she heard gunfire one night

My DDs university Erasmus staff said Switzerland and Germany were well organised, as a rule, others less so in varying degrees.

That's reassuring, she has a semester in Germany next year and is hoping the Germans live up to their stereotype and it's all a bit easier.

When classes settle down and some sort of routine is established, then it does get easier.

Yes, I'm hoping so. I think what's really thrown her is that she's now into week 2 of classes, and she still doesn't have everything confirmed. They have go to all the classes they want and get themselves informally accepted, and then once they have their whole timetable planned, they can officially enrol in everything. The trouble is that the individual class tutors can just turn people away, so most of the Erasmus students she's spoken to have had at least one first choice rejected, and are still trying to get accepted at other classes this week. For the British students this is really different to what they're used to!

She's back just before Christmas, then has exams in January - we were going to wait until she actually had her specific exam dates before we bought flights, but it feels like that might not be any time soon, so we might just buy them now to cover the whole fortnight. They're cheap at least.

OP.

I did a year out, back in the 80s when there was no Erasmus organisation- we were just chucked out there. I went to Spain, and then Belgium.

When I look back on my diary then- the first 7-10 days, I cried every night, hated everything and everyone, wanted my Mum, wanted my boyfriend, wanted to come home a month early.

Then you start to see the change in my writing.

I now look back on the first 6 mths as the best of my life. (sadly, I then went to Belgium which was another story but still...)

She needs time to adjust, as others have said. Keep pushing the positive with her. I wonder now about my Mum, because I'm sure I must have written to her in desperation, but I think I just got "it sounds much better than you're making it out to be" I was exactly the same in Freshers' Week if I'm honest. Didn't go out, stayed in my room crying.

At least these days, there are so many more ways to keep in closer touch if she's homesick, or just needs to talk.

My poor best friend arrived in France, with chicken-pox and was in a student room in a university residence totally alone for a week. In those days there was no pastoral of any kind.

I hated my year abroad so much I actually dropped out. It was seriously bad for my mental health and I got a doctors note for the year. Went and worked instead which suited me much better. Not everyone enjoys their year abroad unfortunately and I wasn't actually the only one to drop out. If she can find a society to join or anyway of meeting people encourage her to do that. Give her as much support as you can and if you can book flights so that she has something to look forward to that might help. Most people do seem to end up having a good time so hopefully in a couple more weeks she will feel more settled.

Can I ask if your children are enjoying language degrees - is it what they expected and what do they plan to do afterwards?

I know it's probably different fir students but when we used to ti foreign postings the magic number was 6 weeks. By then there should be a semblance of settled feeling. They /will/ get through this. But it's hard - and they save the worst for us :(
X

Teenageromance - yes, my dd loves her degree. She's studying 4 languages (started with her two A level languages plus one ab initio, then picked up the 4th instead of a culture module in her second year) and hopes to carry on with all of them in her final year. As you can tell, she's far more interested in the technical side and actual language acquisition than e.g. French literature! She wants to work in Europe (Brexit permitting), and is thinking about some sort of masters afterwards.

She found that MFL degrees vary hugely, and spent a lot of time going through the details of the courses. So yes, pretty much what she expected.

Tanterose- yes the fact that she is safe is a great comfort to us. She is at university but they have provided no welcome events , just an orientation day then come back in a week for your exam results. Classes then started a couple of days later. When you know no one and in a new city that was a long time to entertain herself.

Unfortunately it is a case of never meet your idols, since the age of 10 she has listened to j pop, watched japanese tv and generally just taken on any information she could. So expected a wonderful clean city, with a perfect train system and fantastic polite people. The opposite has been rather true we were initially based in Ikebukuro which had stinking rubbish piled up in the streets in several areas, trains went down about 8.30 pm as we were leaving Disney one night and it took us a lot of money and until 3am to get back to the hotel so she is now scared to be in the parks past 5pm, and compared to our home in the UK people are positively unfriendly, probably just reserved but here you would never be in a queue without having a passing chat in Tokyo eye contact is rare. So a very alien environment.
Luckily the residential area she has a room in is much nicer, no rubbish and people have nodded at her occasionally, her train was 4 minutes late this morning though.

Sorry that all sounds so negative, I did actually enjoy Tokyo when I was there.

AtiaoftheJulii: where is your DD? I think part of the initial difficulty of the year abroad is navigating something different. DD had to do translation classes in the target language and then two other subjects or two classes in one subject. There didn’t seem to be any problem getting into the classes but they were large in Italy. She chose History of Art and Portuguese. So a bit niche maybe? What was your DD hoping to do?

When you say exams, are these back in the uk or at the foreign university. My DD did exams at both universities abroad but the results didn’t count towards her degree. Her research and “dissertation” on each country was what counted. The exams were chaotic in Italy. They had not understood the requirements of her uk university and there were all sorts of issues. We could see why what were once the foremost universities in Europe are now nowhere near the top 100 in world rankings.

Teenageromance: my DD graduated 4 years ago. She did MFL joint honours. She enjoyed it a lot. I think young people tend to know if they have an altitude for languages and then it’s a natural progression to do it at university. The courses vary, as you would expect. My DD became interested in aspects of her languages that she wouldn’t have thought possible when she started. She enjoyed being able to study literature and culture as well as language acquisition. She never really intended to use languages at work though. Definitely not translation. She acquired other skills on the course and many language grads are very versatile. I would suggest though, that joint MFL is better than single. Or put a language with another subject. Lots of universities cannot fill their MFL courses so adding a MFL for joint honours can get you a place at a very good university.

Many employers see MFL grads as worthwhile employees for obvious reasons. The commitment to the languages is obvious and it needs a certain amount of brain power and intelligence to do MFL degrees. Not everyone can do them! DD is a barrister now and wanted that career from around y2 at university. She went to the “milk round” for law careers at the university and decided it definitely was for her.

A late train in Tokyo! That’s rare! We found the Japanese really friendly and so helpful. The university there is top class so I hope she settles into classes. Does she have any social media contacts with other students? Australians seem good at getting things going!

I was in the same boat 9 years ago. Feeling stuck, hating it, not knowing anyone etc. I forced myself to be out of the house for at least 6 hours a day and to talk to someone in the other language at least twice a day (normally just in a shop or cafe). 5 weeks in, my parents came to visit and I was all set to go back.

I was a language assistant so didn’t have the pastoral set up of a University. I found a Facebook group for other language assistants in the region and ended up meeting four of my best friends. I also met now DH and we had six guests from our year abroad come to our wedding.

It absolutely became the best year of my life and gave me more confidence than anything I’ve ever done. I’ve since lived and worked on two other continents and it was mainly down to my year abroad. If it’s a university town/city, there will be lots in a similar boat and the best thing to do is just get out of the flat, however hard it may seem.

I did a year abroad and for some reason most of the international students were put in two sets of flats the other side of town from me (no mobiles and only payphones), I was in a flat on my own with a bunch of men with closed doors and no interest in socialising. The shared kitchen was just a room with a crap cooker and a sink (no cupboards!), everyone ate at the uni canteen so there wasn’t even any opportunity to socialise in the kitchen. There weren’t any international students doing my course either. I’d left a great uni and a great social life behind in England.

So I hated it, could go days without really talking to anyone, bought a TV for company. I said I’d give it till Christmas. Then just before Christmas, fell in with a great bunch of international students at a party. Went home for Christmas, said things were getting better. Then by Easter when I was supposed to be going home again, I cancelled because I was going to be off touring Europe with my friends.

And now I’d say ‘best year of my life’ etc. But to start with it was awful.

I was your DD 15 years ago OP. I arrived for my Erasmus year in Barcelona and was so homesick. I cried so much the first week or two as I was so lonely and a year seemed like such a long time!

Then university started and I went and enrolled and got talking to other Erasmus students and before I knew it I had a great circle of friends that continually got bigger as we met friends of friends etc (as we were all abroad everyone was very sociable). It became the absolute best year of my life which I look back on so fondly now. It is totally normal to feel lost initially. In my case there was no one else there from my uni, I had no idea what/ how many classes I needed to do and it was all a bit confusing. It turned out my uni only cared about the experience of life out there and didn’t mind what classes I took and also told me I didn’t have to sit any exams!

Just hang on in there for a few more weeks

Fifi oooh you were stuck out at Disney the other day?? I saw that on the news - nightmare! (but very rare...)

of course Tokyo is huge megacity so people can seem not so friendly and in a rush to get everywhere - hope her neighbourhood is bit better!

Pity my DD is on her own year out - we could have introduced them to each other! Her uni is in Shibuya

My year abroad was made easier by my main hobby - I was able to join a local club and have a shared interest and friends without effort. Without that club it would have been pretty lonely as I am not the most sociable!

Was a great year and my French really improved for it.

Yeah alright then Dizzy
Children so lacking in confidence, who cant go on/don't enjoy a year abroad, probably shouldn't have chosen a language degree with a compulsory year abroad, if they knew they wouldn't enjoy it.

Yeah. Sorry I had a fab time on my year abroad. As has every single person I know who did a French year abroad or german year abroad.

Surely this is no surprise to the parents if the child has very high anxiety and low self esteem, then the preparations for this year abroad, should have been started a long time before, to prepare the child better?

Oblomov where has anyone said their dc are anxious or lacking in confidence? I was a very confident and outgoing student and still struggled when I first moved abroad because that is completely normal!

I don’t think you always know what you will enjoy and what you won’t enjoy when you apply for MFL at 17.

Lots of people seem to look at the university offering (core and modules) in the uk but don’t think about the year abroad until they have to. Language assistants can be very cut off and in small towns. Work can be difficult to find. University courses generally offer a more social experience. Can be better for language acquisition too. I’m not sure the uk universities are sufficiently proactive in talking to students early enough so that informed choices are made. Challenges snd deadlines etc. They don’t do the legwork for you but some parents seem to think they do. My DDs friend didn’t apply for accommodation at the Swiss university in time. DD had a wonderful cheap shared apartment in a very expensive area. Her friend had an a very expensive dive in the worst area of the city for double the cost. It took her and her mum a week to find that as there is a huge shortage of flats.

Pastoral care in foreign universities is very hit and miss. Mostly miss! One of the problems that students encounter is that they are used to the systems in their own university. As DD had boarded in South Africa for a term and boarded here plus had traveled to see friends in Hong Kong etc on her own, she was confident and competent. Even then, DD1 had a wobble in Italy when she couldn’t make friends with the Italians on her courses. Luckily English speaking friends were found but she felt shunned. She is very friendly and outgoing but even then she never even managed a cup of coffee with an Italian student. They wouldn’t go for a coffee when she asked.

Young people don’t always have the skills to get through the challenges immediately. They have to work at it. Even if you travel abroad a lot, are outgoing and confident, things can go wrong. You can get exasperated, angry even and upset. Also lonely and missing your friends. The vast majority come though this. Working out how to meet like minded students is definitely the key.