3 days into uni and dd is not happy - what can I do?

[Janus]

Dd started on Friday, all seemed positive, went out for a big night out, etc. The next day she started texting that she felt tearful and rubbish. I thought this was partly a hangover but it went on and she went out just for food with flatmates but not out after. Sunday seemed ok, no real talk about hating it, out for a few hours in the evening.
Today is the first lecture day and she’s already texted to say the timetable is awful and she wants to come home.
She is doing radiography so it’s going to be different to many others as it will be much more hours and placements so she won’t be able to go on mad nights out and I think she feels this will alienate her from flatmates.
She is only an hour and a half away so part of me wants to tell her to stick the seek out and come back at weekends l, hoping she will gradually not want to do this. However spoke to a friend who is a lecturer yesterday and she said to not do that as it teaches them to come home every time they are struggling.
Any ideas? I haven’t actually rung her as I thought my voice would upset her but I have told her to call on a break so want to offer some advice when she does call.

I don’t think the flat is dreadful, it’s freshers so they are all having fun and she does talk to them and is going out with them tonight. I just don’t think these will be her firm friends, but I want her to have a few different groups, she has to learn how to be happy in a few different settings.
I really hope she has a good time tonight as that will help her bond with them a bit more.

I'm probably not the best person to advise as I dropped out after my first year, however that first month in halls was hideous. I didn't get on with my flatmates, I missed my family, friends and boyfriend, I got a chest infection and ear infection and was not well so struggled socialising. I can't imagine how my mum felt on the other end of the phone 300 miles away, listening to me cry.

I settled after Christmas and made some wonderful friends who I'm still close to now, however I realised I wasn't enjoying the course, wasn't sure what I wanted from my future and didn't want to continue to work for a degree I wasn't sure I wanted, so I moved home. The independence I learnt really helped me build a life here though. I don't regret leaving.

I can see why you want her to be friends with flatmates - but it really isn't obligatory.

DS started 2 yrs ago - he met his tribe on 1st night at a halls social - they were from a couple of flats upstairs from him - and 2 guys they got talking to after that, whilst walking into city (one was on his course). He and the 2 guys spent most time after that in the upstairs flats, taking meals up there, he lived with some of them last year and is going to be living with some next year too - he is currently on a year out and some on 4 yr courses. He has plans to visit them all back at uni in early Oct and again to celebrate his 21st in Nov.

He did socialise a little with his own flatmates, but they were never a friendship group - one went back to NI before xmas and another guy (also on his course) never uttered a word to DS the whole year (nor to my DH when he tried to engage with him in the kitchen once!)

Try and relax, leave her be but keep in touch as and when she wants to be, we find Whatsapp great as we can send silly photos of the dog as well as just having quick catch ups. Looking back, I was trying to push DS to socialise and make friends with his flatmates, thinking that would be his tribe, but he had already found them elsewhere on the first night!

One of his close school friends had a really hard time settling at her uni, but she came back in July from a second year semester abroad and according to her dad, whom we see sometimes, is now a totally different person from her early days at uni!

I went to Portsmouth uni, and my friend did radiography there. It's a tough course but she loved it. They do do a lot of hours compared to some other courses, because it's a vocational degree with labs etc, but she'll get used to that. She'll also get used to those who go partying and those who take it all a bit more seriously.

The Union is good, student services are very supportive. She needs to find a social group outside of halls and her course - maybe a sport or club - and she'll find she can sign up to tasters at the Fresher's Fayre this week. Well worth it. I met most of my friend that way - 15 years later I'm in touch with 3 people from halls, none from my course and dozens from the union and sports!

It's a fab city, happy to suggest places to visit. Tell her to take some people to the seafront - Southsea - to the Tenth Hole Cafe for cake. She'll love it. And a pub crawl back via Palmerston Road. All walking distance, its a couple of miles.

I think Janus, that you and DD have to realise that Freshers week can be noisy and busy. She’s only just enrolled so was complaining about their lack of contact time before her flatmates even started their courses. They cannot help that it’s only 7 hours. They will have to self study, research in the library etc when they need to prep for seminars and write essays. That is just not right now so they want to enjoy themselves.

They may also not be used to studying at a higher level either and will take a while to understand what is required. If they are getting a bit hyper right now, it shouldn’t continue.

So hang on in there. Make friends with people on the course. She’s talking about living at home in the week far too early and not giving it a chance. She can write off this year regarding friends, but if she’s never around, friends on her course will be hard to maintain too. It will also be very expensive.

Thank you so much.
It’s been a tough few days but yesterday seemed to be a bit of a breakthrough. She ended up
Going up to a girls flat a few floors up that she met on a night out and they chatted and watched a movie together.
Yes, her flatmates are still out every night and you are right, they can do whatever they want (but as lon as they don’t knock her for not doing what they are doing). They are all saying they are a bit exhausted by it all, especially as it’s 2 weeks of this so they will have to do it all next week too!! What were Portsmouth thinking of having a 2 week freshers??!!
She’s still happy with the course though and is getting fitted for her uniform today and choosing placements!
Thank you silver shall definitely recommend that cafe. I hear very good things about Southsea, I’m sure they will head there more often once they find their feet.

Dd is out clubbing tonight with 2 girls from her course and their flatmates! We also FaceTimed her tonight and she was absolutely fine, no tears or any sad vibes!!
I know it doesn’t mean we’re over it but I think we may have got over the worst of it, for now!!

The radiography timetable will be intense. It was the most intense out of any of my university friends. You are literally in most of the week and there is a clinical placement.
But you know what it’s worth it cos she’d guaranteed a good job afterwards.

Yes it is intense, 26 hours of lectures during study time and then 40 hours a week during placement (plus travel). It’s obviously exhausting, I truly hope she can cope with some decent time off at Christmas, Easter etc. She cannot get a part time job at all. She’s good at getting her head down but the placement weeks scare me, coming home and feeding yourself etc.

The thing is, it's freshers. This is likely these kids first time away from home. My experience is they will settle down.

Ask your daughter to be more tolerant and try to just laugh it off. They will settle down and find their own paths, they won't be out partying every night for the next year.

I used to flat share with 2 final year students. One clearly had no friends, just went to her lectures etc and went home every weekend. I actually felt really sorry for her, but she made no effort at all, not even with her flat mates.

I think her parents did her a disservice by pandering to this and should have encouraged her to be involved in a life in her new city. It’s part of growing up, learning to stand on your own feet etc.

Encouraged her to seek help if she feels she needs it, get involved in things, enjoy herself. The real world will come calling soon enough. Some people take longer to settle in than others. Be there for her, but encourage her to be confident and work things out for herself. And give it time.

I know it’s hard to let go, and you want to protect your children, but your job as a parent is to ensure they have the support they need to mature into a well rounded adult. Good luck!

Bluntness where have I said/implied she’s not tolerant?! The only minor gripe she’s had (only to me) is that when she’s said she can’t go out a few have said ‘oh, you’re ruining your freshers time’. She was woken up about 3am when they came in but didn’t say a word either. Believe me, she is very tolerant and avoids any confrontation! I agree though, freshers fortnight is full on, I have no idea how they do this for 2 weeks, I’d be lying in a dark room by now!!
Yes not it is hard to let go but I do, as you suggest, tell her to throw herself into things and people, she’s done much better the past couple days and gone to 2 different flats, not hers, the past 2 nights. I thinks she’s getting there. But yes, the only way through this is to get yourself out there!

Fuck me - this is why kids need to do things like scouts and guides and other trips away from the family - but to want to give up after a day - you and she needs to grow up. and Homesickness as a mental illness whatever next

Ehrm it wasn't a slight? simply by tolerant I mean just Put up with it, without thinking this is what it will be like forever. In your own words, to learn to be happy in that environment.

lovelyupnorth - constructive, helpful, addresses the concerns of the OP, moves the discussion on. I think you ticked all the boxes there - I commend you.

I’m not quite sure why this conversation has taken an ugly turn! Lots of students find freshers fortnight (?) not to their liking but have to grin and bear it. She won’t be doing full on lectures in freshers anyway. Often it’s a bit lengthy to do the Hall/university activities (getting to know other students, enrolling etc) and signing up for clubs and sports etc. The clubs offer cheap nights and most prospective students know there will be boozing and late nights to start with. It’s what happens after that matters.

If it continues, ask for a quiet flat. Some universities have these. A girl moved into DDs flat when at university because her previous flat was a party flat. DD isn’t quiet! Neither was anyone else. However there was a different culture. They supported each other, had nights out when it suited, didn’t criticise each other, listened to each other’s concerns and worked in the library for quiet time. It was fine and worked well.

My nephew is in his final year of a health care degree at Portsmouth and is having a great time. He was also on placement very quickly, I think after the first term/semester. It has been full-on and intense but he is very happy and will be able to walk straight into a job once finished.

lovelyupnorth Mine did Scouting and plenty of camps away. What put him of the halls was all the drunkenness, the noise and partying that was going on. People banging doors in the middle of the night for a laugh.

Some people just aren’t the going out and getting drunk and being disruptive type (I do wonder how exdp and I got an anti party tee total one.. but at least I know he’s not pickling his liver somewhere)

lovelyupnorth oh thank you for that wonderful advice.
Daughter has been away to New York on her own, weekends away with friends, was in the guides, where did I go wrong?! Of course she always had a timeframe to when she was coming home. Sorry but I’m going to ignore your advice to ‘grow up’ as it’s crap advice.
Bluntness yes, I see your point and it’s one I’ve also told her, it’s the freshers madness it will calm down. You are right, any comments have to be just brushed aside. I think she’s getting there to be honest.
Sorry should have also been clearer, when she said she wanted to come home it wasn’t just give up everything and come home it was to visit at the weekend. I Should have obviously made that clear, my mistake, sorry for the confusion.
Anyways, she’s got through a whole week now 😂😂

Definitely now Dd has completed week 3, things have calmed right down. Now that she's got a daily timetable it's definitely giving her more routine and structure. Her flatmates have all been in 9-5 so she spends a bit of time on her own but they're into a routine now with cleaning and stuff.

Hopefully things will settle for your Dd.

Bubbles she did a 7 hour day today, third one this week, even in freshers week! It is already full on which is why she was refusing to go out every night. But it’s the weekend, so now she can have a lie in!!
I think the being exhausted isn’t helping to be honest but she will work it all out I’m sure. Thank you

Oh god, things have taken a hideous turn for the worst.
Girls in flat (there are 6 of them) sat around last night asking everyone who had done what with boys.
My daughter hasn’t. I know I will sound biased but my daughter is beautiful. My friends tell me this too so it’s not me being her mother!! She’s been asked out, had the odd fling but not a serious boyfriend so it hasn’t happened for her. She really is stunning, been asked out, one bit is even a model for Burberry! She has make friends it’s just no one has caught her eye properly.
All the girls found this hilarious and laughed at her for ages. She went back to her room and properly sobbed, for a long time.
I hate it, I was out with friends so didn’t see her message for 1.5 hours so replied at 10 and she hasn’t seen it. I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked her if it’s time she moved flat as I think she’s completely mortified. I texted her my complete sex life (!!), I didn’t sleep with anyone until I was 18 but I didn’t meet her dad until I was 27 so there were quite a few!!
Christ this awful.

If she's not clicking with them, there's no shame in moving.

Also, tell her for future just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it.

I hope things improve soon. I see the Facebook group was mentioned earlier, I find that very supportive.

I have no wise advice as my eldest is only 15. Didn’t want to read your latest post and run though.

Sounds very tough, mainly for you. Your DD whilst understandably upset, will become more resilient from this. She’ll learn how to be among people she doesn’t like, how to avoid conversations she doesn’t want to participate in, how to be in conversations she has to participate in, how to react both externally and internally when everyone is taking the piss.

These are all very tough things to learn and my heart goes out to you, her having to go through them without you.

I honestly believe that whilst these experiences are tough at the time, they mould and shape you and give you skills to navigate life much more successfully than if you’d never experienced them.

Yes I said that to my husband ‘why didn’t she get up and go’ rather than answer. Lesson learnt.
I haven’t heard from her since I texted at 10pm. I’m hoping she’s having a good long sleep.
Yes, I’m on the Facebook group too, thanks.