3 days into uni and dd is not happy - what can I do?

[Janus]

Dd started on Friday, all seemed positive, went out for a big night out, etc. The next day she started texting that she felt tearful and rubbish. I thought this was partly a hangover but it went on and she went out just for food with flatmates but not out after. Sunday seemed ok, no real talk about hating it, out for a few hours in the evening.
Today is the first lecture day and she’s already texted to say the timetable is awful and she wants to come home.
She is doing radiography so it’s going to be different to many others as it will be much more hours and placements so she won’t be able to go on mad nights out and I think she feels this will alienate her from flatmates.
She is only an hour and a half away so part of me wants to tell her to stick the seek out and come back at weekends l, hoping she will gradually not want to do this. However spoke to a friend who is a lecturer yesterday and she said to not do that as it teaches them to come home every time they are struggling.
Any ideas? I haven’t actually rung her as I thought my voice would upset her but I have told her to call on a break so want to offer some advice when she does call.

Oh dear, you will be worried. As others have said, if she starts coming home at weekends she will never properly settle and it will become easier for her to stretch the weekend out into the week, then before you know where you are, she's jacked it in.

When DS1 went up to uni, I told him that no matter what, he couldn't come home until Xmas. I said that I would go to him whenever he felt he needed to reconnect with home, no questions asked, but he had to stay there for the entire first term.

Next time I saw him was when I went to pick him up for the Xmas hols. He'd lost two stone, but he was ok, settled and enjoying it. He joined the rugby club and the course society and never looked back really. In fact he had FAR too much of a good time... In subsequent years I would regularly go up and have dinner with him, or take him out shopping and lunch, just to check in. I don't remember him ever coming home for a weekend other than for family or friend special occasions.

If you can commit to going to her whenever she needs you, then that approach might work. DS1 said two of the girls from his hall corridor went home every weekend from the off and both dropped out at Xmas.

Janus has she not got any other students doing health care degrees in her flat? DS2 has just graduated as an adult nurse and in his flat there was him, another student nurse and a student paramedic as well as a couple of others who weren’t doing health degrees. Tbh they all kept each other sane because they ‘got’ the demanding hours in uni and placements. If she’s on her own I’d maybe ask if there’s any way she could move.

Once she gets going into lectures she’ll probably find it easier to make friends. I know in DS2’s lectures they got put into small study groups right from the get go and 4 or 5 of them are still his closest friends.

Don’t rule out her coming home in reading week, but maybe not suggest it quite yet, because the tide may turn and she could well be full of the joys of Spring by then.

This is such a difficult time for you and her. I hope it all works out.

Don’t rule out her coming home in reading week

I would honestly say that going home for reading week is a really bad idea. Students who go home for reading week never end up getting any work done (that's what reading week is for); this can be doubly problematic if they were behind (either academically or in terms of settling in) before reading week; if they're already a bit homesick reading week back at home can really make them regress; most students who go home for reading week take a week or so to get back into the swing of things which can impact on their work/settling in; guaranteed that 9/10 students who go home on reading week will do worse in any work that's due after reading week than students who stay at university.

You could go and see her during reading week or perhaps at a push she could come back for a couple of days but the whole reading week at home will be a mistake.

I’m gong to go against the grain and you shouldn’t advice your daughter in any particular direction. You should outline her choices and the possible consequences of those choices ie she jacks it all in now, comes home, tries to get into uni near home BUT she unlikely to get onto radiography until next yr as I imagine it’s an oversubscribed course or she takes a yr out and goes again next yr - somewhere else/different course or she sticks it out for a given amount of time (her choosing) and defers the decision until then. Telling her ago stay may be thrown back at you if she still hates it in say 6 months and then she’ll have no choice but to drop down a yr. She’s an adult and she needs to take ownership of her decision.

Sorry for many typos but I’m sure you get the drift!!

As previous posters have said, she needs to stick it out. It can be a difficult transition. I was quite homesick in my first term at University, but loved it in the end. It takes a while to build the friendship groups.

Having said all that, I don't see why you can't pop down to see her, perhaps not very soon but, say, 3 weeks or so in. That'd give her something to look forward to and make her realise she's not cut off from home.

Hi, I did Radiography. Hopefully she will make friends on her course because Radiography is very full on compared to other courses. Can she try and find the students who will be at her placement hospital?
Maybe next year she can live with other Radiography students instead because then you will all be traveling and waking up and studying at the same times.
Please encourage her to wait until she's been to placement to decide if she likes it or not.
If she completes her course she is pretty much guaranteed a job at the end of it unlike other courses and she can specialise if she finds an area she especially enjoys. I love my job as a Radiographer, every day is different. I love working in theatre and I love knowing I've made a difference to someones day. I have imaged people from before they were born all the way through to after they have died. Honestly it's such a rewarding job. If I can help in any way let me know. Can you tell me which Uni she is studying at?

My eldest has just started too. Although she is 20, so a bit older. However, we live 3,000 miles away, so she knows she isn't coming home until mid-December. I was a boarding school child from the age of 8, was also 3,000 miles away, and then went to Uni. The terms at Uni aren't that long. They can visit their friends at other Universities in the term time. I haven't been too worried about my eldest. Must be my boarding school upbringing. I hope she likes it. But I shall be fairly stoical and cheerful with her if she doesn't. And make her stick it out!

I had completely forgotten this until you I saw your post, but this was me when I first went to uni. I was so unhappy and miserable and lonely. And it was difficult because the degree I was doing could only be done at that university and the cost of me going there had been huge for my parents (different country). My parents were broadly supportive and told me if I still hated it at the end of the first year I could look into transferring back to a university nearer home.

As I said, I'd completely forgotten until now because of course, I did eventually settle. I think the problem is that even when you're meeting people, it's all new and fresh and the actual coursework takes a little while to be interesting too. But she really should stick it out and see how things go.

In my case, I have always loved reading and been happy in my own company so that helped me a lot as I wasn't sitting on the edges of social circles but was happy to be by myself a lot. But I really did need that first year to settle in and it was only half way through that I started meeting the friends who would be my friends for life. The people I hung out with for the first six months were all, as t turned out, not really the people I wanted to be friends with. it just took longer for me to find my "tribe".

Goodness, I had a horrible time settling in at uni (in America, but same problems) First time away on my own, only child, 350 miles away from parents, etc. I had a roommate who was from nearby and she'd go home every weekend eithout fail. I was miserable.There were loads of tearful calls back and forth and I very nearly didn't go back after Christmas. But I stuck with it and things improved massively.

FF to a few years later and I was tearful of having to leave uni as I was having THE best time.

It's early days, Op. Give her time to settle.

So much wonderful advice here, thank you.
She’s at Portsmouth uni which is actually our nearest uni (about 1.5 hours away). At the time we thought it may help us being ‘down the road’ but now it seems being so close is a bit of a torment for her I suspect.
I haven’t heard from her again yet as she’s in lectures all day. We knew it was going to be ‘full on’ but I haven’t seen the timetable yet but suspect it’s even more than she thought.
I want to be strict and tell her it’s only day 4 but I think she’d also crumble if I was stern with her as I’m a gentle soul and so is she!
She did mention going to see another uni friend miles away in the reading week so actually I may get her to do that as it’s like a mini holiday with friends.
I feel awful as I’m not sleeping at all (in fact just had a little nap!) so will digest all the other wonderful advice over a cup of tea now!!
Thank you again for the lovely help 💕

I'd agree that she hasn't given it a chance.

Also if she comes home she will find that people forget about her. They'll knock on the door to say "coming out" and no answer-it'll only take 2-3 times of that for people to not bother.

I remember dm being told by a friend of hers that her ds had said nothing happened at weekends so he might as well come home. She wasn't sure what to say as dsis was at the same one (and even in the same halls) and there was lots of things to do. Problem was that if he did stay around for the weekends, people didn't know, so they didn't invite him to join them. Because a lot of socialising happened at the weekend he found himself further and further out of the groups.

I suggest you arrange to go and see her and take her (and a friend possibly) out to lunch on a Saturday. Probably about 2-3 weeks in. Then suggest if she still wants to she can come home the weekend of 6th week (beat the 6th week blues), so it doesn't seem quite as long a time in her head. Hopefully by 6th week she won't want to.

Oh and one thing I got in 1st week was from my grandad. He sent a bag of real coffee and a cafetiere and a box of chocolate biscuits. He wrote that it was much easier to invite people to come round (and make friends) if you had something nice to offer them.

I don't have many regrets in life - but wimping out of halls is one of them.

I bailed out at the end of Term 1 - moved back home and commuted into Uni (it was 45 min train ride away). I finished my degree with a good 2:1 but I lost out on the Uni life.

I was very shy and anxious but also I missed my friends from home too much (none of them went to Uni). I just wanted my old life back.

I really, really, really wish I'd stuck it out in halls.

Tbf - my parents were in the middle of a divorce at the time and I just felt I needed to be at home. With the benefit of hindsight I should've gone to a different uni, possibly after taking a year out as I was just a bit of an emotional wreck at the time.

We didn't have mobiles, social media or anything else then - I had to queue up to speak to my mum and she had too much on her plate to be helpful really. Not her fault at all - it was just a bad time for the family.

I work in HE and we always expect the first year to be hard really - a lot of students struggle to find their new "tribe". As long as she likes the course (and she needs to allow at least a term to work that out) the friends side will come.

Al Levels are hard academically - the first year at uni is usually easier academically but a bloody shock in all other ways. Tears are normal, wobbles are normal - she needs to tough it out and give it a chance. But the staff will fall over themselves to help if she asks - they have heard it all before.

I would honestly say that going home for reading week is a really bad idea. Students who go home for reading week never end up getting any work done

This really surprises me - I was only at uni a few years ago and didn't know a single other student who didn't go home for reading week! It was like half term, and the norm to go home. You know your assignments in advance so you either do them before you go, or go home and do them!

She will probably make friends on her course though she should also try and join a club or society. They usually have them for everything from sporty things to wine or debating etc. It was through my society I made my lifelong friends and flat mates for the following year.

I was 2 and a half hours from home. I said I would stick it three weeks then come home and do the same again. For the first few times I was pleased to come home- then I didn't want to! I didn't feel as home sick as your DD though so perhaps that's a bad idea. Why not visit her in three weeks- take her for a meal and let her show you round. If she has a sibling close in age they could also pop up for an afternoon.

If she moved unis or moved home she would find it even harder in the long run tbh. Also worried about you OP - try to find something to distract you/tire you out so you can sleep.

Ok, more positve tonight! Spoke to her about half an hour ago when she got home from her first day and she has met some more from her course this afternoon and feels that 2 girls are ‘her people’. They are in a halls building just a 2 minute walk away so she feels she will hang out there a little bit in the week whilst her flatmates are out raving!!
She’s also very excited about the course and found her placements so that’s very positive too.
She likes to party but can’t keeo up with the going out every night as she starts at eithe 9 or 19 and flatmates start at 1pm so it’s obvious she can’t keep up with them. So tonight she will stay in and have a quiet one and tomorrow she will go out.
I think it’s a day at a time for a while but even hearing her voice (first time we actually spoke today) and hearing her say some positive things has been a huge relief.
I’m absolutely and totally exhausted. I have 3 other children to try and keep going and a husband who goes away tomorrow for work which he does every week so today I have rested this afternoon while I can! I’ve also had 2 long walks today to try and wear me out.

I’ve been in your daughter’s position before, it’s completely normal to feel this way. I remember calling up my parents crying every day during Freshers and they sympathised, but they were tough and encouraged me to stick it out, as when my lectures began it would get easier and give me something to do.

They were right

Although I did have to go home sometimes for family funerals, medical appointments etc. (and it was nice to see my family and tell them stories that I’d otherwise forgotten on the phone), most of the time I stayed at university and got my work done. I passed - and I move back Friday to start my second year

I thoroughly encourage your daughter to stick it out. I understand it’s hard, but honestly once classes begin and she’ll have assignments to submit and placements to do, she’ll find it easier to bear. I’m glad she’s making friends too, she’ll definitely feel less alone in this.

Wishing the best of luck to her, and you. This is a trying time for the best of us, but you will both get through it

It's hard until the course really gets going and she goes to lecture 3 of each topic.
She really needs to 'just get on with it', which sounds harsh, but really is the truth.

I used to work as a welfare officer in the student union trust me when I say this is completely normal.
Encourage her to go to the freshers fayre and also to go speak to the union officer who can offer her advice and practical tips.
I would take the really nervous ones around the fayres and introduce them to different groups so they weren't on their own too nervous to speak to the tables.
She just needs settling time.

I used to get little gifts in the post which helped. Nothing reminding of home but stuff like chocolates to share with people, posh coffee, face masks (always with a note to do a face mask night), a tenner, magazines, a supermarket gift card etc etc

Oh god this reminds me of my first term. It started off ok but by the end of it, I’d broken up with my school boyfriend (we went to unis as different ends of the country, in retrospect it was obviously going to happen ), I hated the girly crew in halls, I was seriously doubting my life choices, and then I came down with awful tonsillitis and spent the Christmas holidays back home in utter misery at the thought of going back. I think it was one of the lowest points of my life actually.

What changed? Well my parents were pretty no-nonsense about things so quitting wasn’t really floated as an option - probably because they knew that the fundamental thing, the subject I was studying, was actually enjoyable and interesting. It was just everything else that was crap.

Anyway, I went back and joined a student society - mostly as an excuse to get away from the halls crowd and hang out with a girl I had gone to school with who was in a different hall. Plus they reputedly had the best parties. It was an accidentally fantastic decision ! I found my people (and also through that later on my career).

Please pass my story on to your daughter (if you can tell her you’ve asked the wisdom of MN!) and tell her to stick at it for the rest of the term at least. Maybe she could look to swap flats into a medico flat if any spaces come up, as a previous poster suggested - so that her diary doesn’t clash with a party crowd quite as much. But either way, I hope she can hang on through the initial adjustment phase. It will probably be so worth it

Good idea, I think little presents will help, I did actually see a face mask set and thought of her, she could share it with her flatmates and have an evening in. I will start that ball rolling.

I did already ask if the girls she met had any space in their flat but they haven’t but you never know. I definitely think the people from her course will be who she shares with next year (see, I’m talking about next year!!).
She has to be in lectures again at 9am so has said she can’t go out tonight and they’ve all had a little dig about her ‘ruining her freshers time’ etc. She’s going to the foam party tomorrow so, for her, it’s about being realistic, she can’t be out every night, I’m hoping they will accept that or at least be broke soon!!!

I was your dd too. It was a long time ago but the advice then was exactly the same - don’t go home or you won’t make any friends. I went home for the first few weekends and it saved me. By Christmas I was the same and as popular as anybody else. I adored my life at uni after the first month or two, and as it turned out, never moved back home again.

But I definitely needed that little bit of a break at home.So I say don’t discourage her if she does want a weekend or two at home.