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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Early days at uni 2017

974 replies

HSMMaCM · 18/09/2017 19:38

How is everyone settling in?

DD starts on Wednesday.

OP posts:
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ErrolTheDragon · 27/09/2017 21:59

I think I've confused you, HSM. I work from home, my company's UK main office is in cambridge. The one time I'd like to have to go there I end up having to do it virtually.

Horsemad · 27/09/2017 22:11

Sad Errol, what a pain your company has changed the plan.

You'll just have to go to do some Christmas Shopping! Grin

QOD · 27/09/2017 22:20

Thanks for the good wishes guys, rang her at 12.30 as I realised she was still
Asleep (not been active on messenger) as one of the things she’d sobbed about last night was not wanting to waste her day off lol
Anyway. Saw her a while later, reader SHE MADE
ME
LUNCH
And seemed much happier.
I’ve suggested that she makes set nights to see her boyfriend as he’s getting upset she’s not inviting him everywhere (same uni, nearby halls, different course) and then he has to just join what she’s doing if he wants
It’s weird as she was the clingy one before ...
She’s horrified that he’s not even unpacked his clothes or food yet.

Anyway, onward and upward 🥘

rightsofwomen · 28/09/2017 06:27

He sent a photo! It's made my day. Him and his flatmates (I presume) all smiling together.

fairyofallthings · 28/09/2017 06:53

Aww that's lovely Rights

Errol that's so wrong! They should pay you to have a day there as compensation. Don't they know that nothing should stand between us and our university students.

QOD that's lovely that you had lunch together. Her boyfriend sounds like he's not settling in at all and is relying on her for company. I wonder if he's having second thoughts about university?

I'm missing my dd terribly at the moment, I was fine at first but now it's not good. I spoke to her last night and she was in bed reading, it was only just gone 8pm but she was very tired and sounded rather down. Her mantra at the moment is "I'm fine" - the same one she used during A levels and GCSEs when she was stressing herself out. I think I need to check if she's got the weekly 1:1 organised.

SoupDragon · 28/09/2017 07:20

I work from home, my company's UK main office is in cambridge. The one time I'd like to have to go there I end up having to do it virtually.

Can't you do it remotely from, say, Starbucks in Cambridge?

QOD · 28/09/2017 08:09

@fairyofallthings it’s so hard. My Dd was fond of the word ‘fine’ 🙄

I did say to dh yesterday that when I was talking to her about it being ok To miss home/me/Dad because she’s so near, she can be home within an hour - that yes she has halls and ‘lives’ there but that it was what she wanted ! She then said ‘no mum, you MADE me come’. Erm no love. 2 weeks before you moved in, after you’d got your address, I’d paid the deposit and everything was bought, yiu had a wobble and I did say ‘tough you’re going’ but it was always YOUR choice

Her boyfriend is a year older, so he’s been working part time and leaning on her mainly for company, she’s done exactly the same BUT of course she still has friends at school - she socialised a bit without him. Not a lot but a bit
I’m tempted
To swoop in and ‘do’ his room for him, his dads lovely but his mums a bit quiet and distant so they’ve just kinda dropped him and gone

Anyway. My mum emigrated when I turned 18 so I had it way harder 😉

HSMMaCM · 28/09/2017 08:54

Soup - that's what I was trying to suggest, but I worded it badly I think.

OP posts:
tired17 · 28/09/2017 09:15

Can I join in? I thought everything was going fine -seen pictures put on Facebook and instagram then Tuesday evening had a message to say she felt really ill, this continued all day yesterday and got up this morning to find a message sent at 2am saying "sick" Don't know any more, have messaged her but she's not replied yet.

Have also succumbed and asked if she wants to come home for a couple of days to recover. I didn't want her to come home really because she wobbled a lot about going and I'm worried she won't want to return if she does come home but equally if she is that ill the thought of her being on her own worries me.

Oh well I've sent the message now, will wait to hear from her.

oneleftinthenest · 28/09/2017 09:17

My DD and her boyfriend are at different uni's in the same city . They have decided not to meet up during freshers week so they can make their own friends . They are supporting each other by messenger but have stuck to their agreement so far. We will see what pans out as they both go through this change. I'm going to see my DD next Saturday to take more bits for her room . Didn't realise just how basic it would be. No sockets or cabinets by the bed . No curtains just very outdated vertical blinds very small closet behind the door and only 3 draws .The carpet hadn't been hoovered , dusty room and the shared ensuite was dirty . It was a shock to walk into . My dh got house keeping to clean It up.They said they suspected a work man had been using the bathroom and worked on the room.We bought plastic tubs to keep clothes in for under the bed. It looked a lot better by the time we left but still needs a little touch of home. Really looking forward to seeing my girl.

LadyinCement · 28/09/2017 09:47

I would drive to the ends of the earth to see ds and have always lovingly done his washing, but I am trying to be hands off. I've seen ds's friends who went to university last year being encouraged/guilted into coming home for family birthdays, anniversaries, any random occasion etc etc. They really aren't away for many weeks and unless things have really gone awry, "I miss them" is not a good reason imo for continually busting in on their experience.

I'm not a competitive "hands off" mother by any stretch of the imagination, but sabotaging your child's chance for independence in the name of "love" is misguided.

I do, however, greatly sympathise with the "foreign student" problem in some flats. Living with international students is presented as a chance to learn about other cultures, make new types of friends etc but from what I've heard 90% of the time people stick with their own and if you are the minority (or sole) student in a house of people from one particular country you are buggered. In this case I would definitely encourage student to ask if there's an opportunity to move as it's not acceptable to be socially isolated through no fault of your own.

rogueantimatter · 28/09/2017 10:19

There seems to be a huge element of luck in the dynamics of shared flats. DS was playing cards with his flatmates (one of them tagged him in a photo on fb). I was so pleased for him. He has twice offered to share a meal with no takers so I have told him to offer again. There's been talk of having a flat night out for dinner. I would advise students in unsociable flats not to give up on their flatmates. In theory they could make each other's lives easier by sharing milk, rice, bread etched freeing up fridge and cupboard space and reducing the frequency of shopping trips. Of course some people would use more than their fair share.....

Abra1d · 28/09/2017 10:22

tiredit might just be the virus they often seem to get in the first week or so. Both mine had it and it passed quickly.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 28/09/2017 10:27

I'm sorry to hear your DD isn't feeling well tired, I hope she gets back to you soon about how she is and what she wants to do.
Generally I'd always offer coming home as an option - for a few days if she feels she'd recuperate better at home.
I've said there are lots of interesting things you can do out there in the world, including going to Uni, but if you really want you can always come home.
That feels important to me that they know there's always a place/ bed for them here, whenever they need it.
I think my parents had an idea I shouldn't come home til Christmas, maybe in case I changed my mind. And I think I just found that first term quite long, and would have liked to see my parents and siblings one weekend. I definitely would have gone back though as I was enjoying it all, and committed to the course and the whole thing ( even though I possibly did choose the wrong subject with hindsight)
If someone's really having a wobble about being there I'd rather know about it, and look at options together.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/09/2017 10:46

Can't you do it remotely from, say, Starbucks in Cambridge?

Grintempting but unless they have fast fibre broadband, probably not.

Needmoresleep · 28/09/2017 10:50

I am not so sure that the "foreign student problem" is that simple. All kids have grown up in their own bubbles. Some will be more outward looking, others not. Wherever you come from. So there will be plenty who cling to the known, whether it is private school cliques, gf/bf, rugby team, or nationality group. And even for those who are interested in people from different backgrounds it can take time to identify common interests.

Some are lucky and make good friends through their flat, but others won't. Instead they may friends through their course, or societies. If the overseas students in a flat are hard working, clean and cook they cannot be that bad. The alternatives might be Young Ones stereo-types.

And overseas students can be pretty diverse. DS had a Chinese friend from Wales. Similarly a school friend of DDs has struggled. He is considered Chinese by the British students and British by the Chinese. A pity as he was genuinely popular and liked at school.

DS was one of only three British students in a group of nine when an undergraduate. They were pretty diverse and got along very well, with the social stuff mainly organised by kids from Hong Kong , Australia and Poland. DS was also nominated equal opportunities offer for one society because white English males were such a minority. Its serving him well on his Masters, as so far he has not met another English student, despite an intake of 39. The Europeans on his course think this is very odd, and DS seems to have achieved some sort of Ambassador status.

Early days, but University is the chance to meet people whose backgrounds are very different. Some overseas students will be dull and uninterested in meeting others, but so too will some British students. Coming from central London, DD initially saw the lack of diversity at her University as a potential problem, though it will be a chance to learn more about the UK. Her first placement is (rightly) in a very rural GPs practice.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/09/2017 10:52

Flowersfor the poorly DC - disrupted sleep, exchange of bugs and (in some cases) more alcohol than they're used to can make it a hard time to be away from the comforts of home and parents. The vast majority do get through it. I think knowing they can come home if needbe helps.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/09/2017 11:05

All kids have grown up in their own bubbles

Oh yes. My room in halls in my first year was a double. The other girl seemed very nice but for some reason that mystified me, after the first few pleasantries we somehow seemed to not talk to each other at all, she didn't spend much time in the room, and got herself moved after the first term. It was years before it hit me that I'd probably alienated her the moment I took of my guitar cover to reveal 'Jesus saves' stickers, and trotted off to the CU events. (I had a seriously misspent youthGrin). Fortunately, people I met on my course burst my bubble.

GreenPolishToGo · 28/09/2017 11:07

May I join? We dropped off our DD a week-and-a-half-ago and I'm finding I am checking e-mails constantly obsessively just in case there's anything from her.

Mostly, I think, things are going well but I worry because she has a roommate and they can't wait to get away from each other. They've been shoehorned temporarily into what should be a single room in halls because of unfinished building work, and they aren't a bit compatible. The roommate has been rolling in drunk around 4am most nights and waking DD up, hogs the desk and the (very limited) space they have and, all in all, it is not the best start to uni life.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 28/09/2017 11:12

At least it's a temporary arrangement GreenPolish - your poor DD!

stonecircle · 28/09/2017 11:17

My first year room mate has been my best friend for 40 years and is godmother to my kids! But that was an enormous, well- furnished room. And of course in those days pubs didn't stay open late and the nearest nightclub was about 20 miles away. Your DS's situation sounds awful Green - I hope it gets sorted soon.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/09/2017 11:20

Urgh, poor girl, green. Bad that they're having to share a single, but you'd have thought that the accommodation people would have tried extra hard to find vaguely compatible pairs.

Has she considered asking if any other pair is in a similar situation that she could swap with for now, or would that be more hassle than its worth?

rogueantimatter · 28/09/2017 11:25

Oh my goodness Green. That sounds jolly poor. I hope your DD is getting a discount on her hall fees.

Another obsessive fb messenger checker here I'm afraid.

Eve · 28/09/2017 11:33

all done and dropped of and then I was dismissed! I did point out all the other parents who were still around, getting hugs etc, but nope I wasn't allowed to stay.

Got a text and a call this morning to say he was fine. A few bits of his registration weren't ready for him so he has to sort those today once he gets out of bed.

His flat mates seem OK apparently and they went to the union last night.

GreenPolishToGo · 28/09/2017 11:40

Thank you all. It's the roommate situation that's making me so twitchy.

On paper I think it's probable they don't sound that incompatible - they studied similar-ish A Levels, went to similar schools and both like cats. DD doesn't think the roommate is nasty as such, just very young and used to being rather indulged. And the room really is a squash with two in it.

She doesn't think other pairs are having the same problem but, as I pointed out to her, other students don't know that they have one.

She's trying to stay out of the room as much as possible. But there's not much she can do about disturbing the hungover roommate in the mornings since she has early lectures and the roommate doesn't. And it seems daft to be at university and to have to hunt out quiet corners to study.

We are keeping our fingers crossed for an early transfer. The powers that be have promised DD she's now top of the priority list.

I suppose the plus side is that it has encouraged DD to get out and chat to lots of people.

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