My child is off to uni with mental health problems

[schroeder]

I am so pleased that he has done well enough to get in.
I am so pleased I won't have to live with him anymore.
I am so worried how he will cope.

How far has he gone? Does he have support from student services in place? Will he contact you if he needs support? Skype and Facebook are very useful, sometimes they can write what they can't say.

As someone who went to uni with mental health problems and fell into a big hole make sure he knows you're there if he needs you, that he has a good support system in place and is registered with a new gp

It will only be about one and half hours away.
He hasn't ever got as far as a diagnosis, says it's all bullshit and doesn't engage with mental health services. Was on a waiting list for counselling, but took himself off it as "there's no point" "I am just a f*ing ugly useless c**t".
I can hear him now in the bathroom spitting at his reflection in the mirror.
I don't do skype or face book.I think they would make it worse for him really.

Uni need to be prepared for him, does he want to go, or has he sort of drifted into it? If he thinks he's useless, then goes and fails in some way, you know that's going to be a major problem. How long have you been dealing with this? It's so relentless.

He has been bad on and off since year 7. Always much worse at exam time and this year worst of all.
He really wants to go, is good at his chosen subject, wants to move out and have a fresh start, can be very positive about things on a good day.
Can I contact the university on his behalf? I don't think he will, not about this he is ashamed of it.

I hope he has the sense to register with a GP in his university town. And I hope he realises that student counselling services are not a substitute for the NHS. And that somehow, someone (his tutor) will impress upon him that it's ok to get help ...

I get the sense that you've tried O but we all know how "familiarity breeds contempt" and mothers know nothing

Good luck

It could be great for him. He's worked really hard for it.

One thing that jumps out to me is that he's not been for diagnosis. Universities have student support teama who can refer to counselling, academic support, let tutors know etc. They can't put all that in place as easily unless he has a diagnosis.

Getting a diagnosis would put him on their radar and probably better equip him.

A part of me would share your worry that without proper support, uni could be the wrong move right now.

You sound wonderful and supportive OP.

and btw, no I'm sorry but you can't contact the university on his behalf. We're not really supposed to disclose details of our students, as they're adults and covered by the DPA.

Registering with a GP is a general expectation for all students, so nothing out if the ordinary. If he's on medication, he'll need to ensure continuous provision. And no, the uni won't deal with you, it'll be up to him.

Has he applied for DSA? It would be a way of accessing support, both practical and emotional, and put him on the unis radar. If he is going into halls has he made a sensible application to allow himself space , easy access to lectures, catering arrangements etc?

lizs
I don't think he can apply for DSA unless he has medical supporting evidence. E.g. doctors note, psychologist assessment, educational psychologist asseasment etc

Had to Google DSA, like I say he only ever gets so far with medical stuff, I have dragged him to the gp, he has gone to a&e a couple of times when suicidal, he gets referred, but never follows it up.
He rarely admits he has mental health problems, usually he insists that threatening to kill himself is a perfectly reasonable reaction to his life.

Boojum you'd be surprised how many students don't register with a GP at university. They may wish to stay with their home GP although I do worry about that with some of my tutees.

And there've been cuts to DSA I'm afraid. But if he won't seek medical help in the first instance, DSA is out of the question. There'll be some support available at university but generally only mobilised in a crisis.

OK, DD got DSA, but through the uni GP.

You must have such mixed feelings but I'm glad you will have some relief for a while at least.

If you ever find out that he has a doctor, you can contact them and give them information but they will not be able to tell you anything.

You must have such mixed feelings but I'm glad you will have some relief for a while at least. This just about sums it up.

I don't do skype
Then start. Just google how to do it. You don't need facebook and you can just use Skype for talking to your DS (that's all I use it for)
Skype is so much better than a phone call or a text. You feel you are in the same room and can get a feel for how they are, whether they are ill, happy or sad.

Agree you need to be able to see him , not just text message and talk occasionally. Ds had a hall mate with mh issues last year and unfortunately he ended up dropping out despite support from Disabled Student Services but is hoping to restart . The dynamics of living away with others, self care and coping with the course can prove too much. Hopefully your ds will realise how important it is to open up and seek support. Does the course allocate a specific tutor or mentor?

You can't formally contact the university on his behalf - they can't put any provisions in place on your say so and they can't discuss him with you.
But if the department he's going to has student support staff, there is no harm in dropping them an email. They will not be able to respond in any detail (and may not respond at all) and they will not be able to discuss anything with him without him raising it. But it will put him on their radar - so, for example, if his attendance drops off, it may inform the way they respond to it.
One of the great challenges of working with people with mental health difficulties is that you cannot force them to get help - they have to ask for it and want to get better. It may be that he will find it easier to seek support once he's away from home - or it may not. All you can do is ensure that you will support him when he wants it - and also that you are aware of the support services available through his university (info should be available on the website).

I know it's kindly meant, but the skype idea would be disastrous, every time ds has his picture taken or even looks in the mirror, he finds it hugely upsetting. Haircuts are massive flashpoint for example.

If he gives permission, you might be able to.
I certainly work quite closely with student support at dds university.
She has just been awarded DSA too which will help enormously, this is for mental health.

Good luck, pm me if you want to, I know how stressful it is.

Thank you value
I am working very hard to maintain a good relationship with him and hope to keep it up when he's away.
I can visit in person every couple of weeks at least and hopefully I can encourage him to sign up at the gp and so on. He won't be disappearing off a cliff thankfully.
I will avoid going behind his back, if I can.

Remind him to get a flu jab before he goes!

Sounds like he has body dysmorphic disorder? If so, it's utterly awful - for everybody. Poor him, and you. Might it be worth buying a book on it for him?

Not the flu jag, it's the ACWY meningitis jab