My child is off to uni with mental health problems

[schroeder]

I am so pleased that he has done well enough to get in.
I am so pleased I won't have to live with him anymore.
I am so worried how he will cope.

If photos are an issue remember he'll need one for uni card.

OP, we have personal experience of having many people in the family with mental health problems, extremely serious ones. We also have experience of having a child who found themselves living with a person with serous mental health problems, undiagnosed, whilst at uni. IT had never been reported to those at the university either even though the person had always been unwell - just not diagnosed. Anyway it all became a horrible mess, not just for the person but for those who had to live with him. Most of the people in the apartment considered the lad 'just an arse' but my family member knew he wasn't and tried to help but it only meant the others in the apartment left them to it. Eventually it got so bad that I insisted my loved one was moved out of the apartment the very same day because they said - I dont want to be the one that goes home and finds him dead one day.

Anyway, the boy left uni a few months later and we felt very sorry for him but please inform someone in your sons dept about him for his sake and the sake of the students who'll be living with him. You've said you'll be glad not to be living with him anymore so why would you expect others to?

As you are his next of kin you can go to your gp and share your concerns. If he is a danger to himself -so be very explicit-the gp will ask to see him and set things up. Do it now at home and this can be passed on to local uni doctor and support services at uni.
Do act. You sound like a sensiblee, caring mum.

Anyway, the boy left uni a few months later and we felt very sorry for him but please inform someone in your sons dept about him for his sake and the sake of the students who'll be living with him. You've said you'll be glad not to be living with him anymore so why would you expect others to?

Rhubarb I'm glad your DS survived those difficulties - as a tutor, I've seen young people drawn into other's MH problems, because they think they can help or rescue or cure the other student. One very unwell student I taught about a decade ago manipulated their flatmate via suicide threats. The poor young person subject to these was not experienced & didn't realise that they couldn't solve the problem of their flatmate.

We found out via our quite stringent attendance requirements (not all departments do keep records as we did) - the unwell student's course was irrecoverable, and our student suffered major setbacks, and decided to withdraw & start again elsewhere.

A very heavy price ... So I hope OP your DS sees sense and seeks help. Part of the problem is - from my point of view as a tutor - that one of the symptoms of some mental illnesses is the denial of the illness (I can understand why that is the case), and very accomplished abilities to manipulate surroundings (including the people around them) to cover up or mtigate for MH difficulties. It's really hard to deal with, and we tend to only be able to do anything when a crisis occurs.

I am very aware of how his problems could impact on the people he lives with. I have told him over and over that behaviour that we put up with because we love him and understand (to some extent) why he does it would get him kicked out of halls.
I am frightened for him.

How is he with other people? My brother was violent in the home and clearly very disturbed but there wasn't a peep out of him when other people were around.

The same, he saves it up for me mostly.

Holly, I think that for my loved one being around someone with a mental health problem was the norm so they just included the person the way they would have done as per usual. They'd share food, cook with him, watch the Tv etc, just generally be a flat mate. They were very soon out there on their own as the others in halls were of the opinion - oh we just leave him to you because you're great with him. Or they'd say - he's an arse, we're just ignoring him. It got to the stage that even though my loved one did have a life of their own, they weren't joined at the hip to the lad, they became scared to go home in case they were the one to find him dead.

I am very aware of how his problems could impact on the people he lives with. I have told him over and over that behaviour that we put up with because we love him and understand (to some extent) why he does it would get him kicked out of halls
I am frightened for him.

Schroeder, I really do understand. All of it. But you just cannot let your son go off to Uni without informing people that he's a concern. You owe it to him and you owe it to the students he'll be in halls with. And whilst he may save things up for you there's absolutely no way for you to know he'll be any different when he's away from home. But all that aside he talks of suicide and that in itself should be enough for you to pick up the phone.

I cross posted with Unimum.

You misunderstand me if you think I am going to do nothing.
He isn't the only person with these kind of problems I have lived with, the damage it has done me, well it's hard to express.
No one should imagine though that I am unaware of both sides of the situation.

You misunderstand me if you think I am going to do nothing
He isn't the only person with these kind of problems I have lived with, the damage it has done me, well it's hard to express
No one should imagine though that I am unaware of both sides of the situation

OP, I must have because at no time did I pick up on you saying you would be doing anything. I apologies.

And I do understand the damage, both emotionally and physically. I live with my son who's 26 and requires 2-1 round the clock care. I currently have 4 full time carers and one part time carer helping me with him, they live in the staff quarters in our garden. My son has Classic Kanners autism, Tourettes and Temporal lobe epilepsy that manifest itself in violent self harming as well as him quite often being a danger to everyone around him. In fact Im sitting here with a black eye, a torn rotator cuff, a damaged wrist, and a new diagnosis of high blood pressure. Im 60 next year.

Then there's the extended family where two serious conditions are prevalent as well as my own mother who died in our local psychiatric hospital.

So you see, I really do understand.

Blimey, Rhubarb, that sounds so tough. Is it not possible for your son to live away from home?

Hi Imperial, and thank you.

The truth is its only tough some days and today is in fact one of those 'fill your heart with joy' days

My son is the youngest of 6 and is well loved so its not something I face alone. Im well supported, as is he, by his siblings who are all married and have their own homes within minutes of us. In fact one of them just nipped in for 10 minutes on the way home from work to give his feet a rub before he went to bed.

Is it possible for him to live away from home? No, not where we are and I'm not sure that would be for us anyway. But we do live in a custom built house that was built to cater for all of my sons needs as well as the rest of us and truth be told we're happy with the arrangements. My current injuries were not deliberate, a restraint went wrong.

The BP? That's a concern but it will be sorted. Im looking on it as a wake up call and granted some things have to change. All of my children have a room and bathroom for me in their homes and it could be that I start to stay with them during what we know as the 72 hour rage cycle as Im kind of getting a bit to old to move as quick as I might need to during this time. And my boy would be Ok with me not being at home because I can get away on holiday and Im often out overnight babysitting my grandchildren in their homes.

Anyway this thread is for Schroeder and her son. I just wanted her to know that I understood her.

thank you

Your situation sounds incredibly tough. No doubt it wasn't an easy process to access it.I will admit though I am a tiny bit envious of all the support you have.
Ds always seems to need me no one else will do- I felt less tied to him when he was a baby. Not 24 hours a day, but when he is bad he wants to talk to me.

Schroeder everything we have in place is self funded. I dont live in the Uk and there's no support where we live. Not even a school so I did home ed with my son and we've only had staff in place for 4 years, once my sons mental health seriously deteriorated on top of everything else. And yes when at home its only me who'll do and in general the staff are my back up. I can get away on holidays but we only started putting those in place once my marriage of then 36 years broke up 4 years ago. My children insisted on it and now I love my travels but the first time i was going away alone I got on the plane and cried despite talking the talk about how excited I was about it all. I cant tell you the amount of brave pants I have in the drawer. I really do understand what you're going through and hopefully you can get away on holidays as well in the not too distant future, and that your days are easier.

I also hope your son finds peace of heart and mind soon.

Schroder as an academic I'm usually one to say that parents need mostly to stay out of things (sadly, it's sometimes their actions which cause my students distress).

But in your case I think you need to be canny. It should be possible to contact a) Student Support at his university and b) the Welfare Tutor or Senior Tutor in his department.

Try to find out exactly the individuals to talk to - a telephone call in early September to the Departmental administrator or secretary will be invaluable (if other departmental administrators are like mine!) she or he will be able to give you contact details for the specific people you need to contact.

We can't discuss your DC with you without their written permission but, as another poster suggests upthread, you can tell us about your DS. If you proceed like that, being clear and frank with university staff and understanding of how we are constrained by the DPA, I think you'd be helping your son. You can also find out the contact details of specific halls of residence tutors, and speak to them.

I don't normally recommend this, but your son sounds troubled and ill and you must be very worried.

Sorry, just to emphasise - try to speak to the most relevant people - don't just send an email to a general email address. The university website will give you this information with a bit of digging. PM me if you need help.

I'm a university administrator who deals with students who have special circumstances (most commonly anxiety and/or depression) and processes their appeal claims with relevant academics. We've recently had a case where a student hadn't registered with Disability Services and had never used the appeals service, and was now looking at failing the year. I so, so wished he had taken these steps.

So I agree with others upthread - you can't make your DS do any of these things but emphasise to him how useful it will be to register with a GP in his new area so that medical evidence can be obtained quickly and register with the uni's version of disability/special circumstances services. It could make all the difference. for you schroeder because I've had distraught parents on the phone and it breaks my heart not to be able to tell them anything but I know I can't.

Schroeder, how are you? How is your son? How has today been?

From one mum to another

I agree so much with Agent I also have dealt with so many students with mental health difficulties over the years and the one common issue is that they have to tell someone, gain either a diagnosis or medical support/treatment and enter the disability services system at the uni to get help. There's a good amount of support and help at our uni, which would be very beneficial, which can be activated when the student gets into trouble, as well as counselling services though these are stretched, but unless the student presents early on and before a crisis point with their issues, it's impossible to know what's going on and put plans in place to help them. GP appointment, appointment with disability/ability services, flag up MH to the pastoral care team/tutor should all ideally happen as a minimum to start the support process- but I totally get as the mum in the situation, it is not up to you.

Oh OP nothing really useful to add but wanted you to know you're not alone. Ds1 is off to uni (again just an hour and a half away), he's been severely depressed and suicidal for over two years. He is on medication and is now under the depression and anxiety service. I am hoping against hope he will continue to fight when he's moved. I'd like him to have a year off at home and stabilise himself before he goes but he's adamant. I have however heard him saying to his psychiatrist that he's worried about going away and having no support network. It's a very worrying time