My child is off to uni with mental health problems

[schroeder]

I am so pleased that he has done well enough to get in.
I am so pleased I won't have to live with him anymore.
I am so worried how he will cope.

I know how you feel about your son, I was felt the same way when my my DS was due to start uni.
I did contact the student support team. They were very helpful, and put things in place for when he started (he is autistic and gets dsa), but as others have said at least he will be on their radar from the beginning.

My DS has managed surprisingly well, he found that getting away from school and meeting new like minded people really helped him.

I don't really have anything to add but like others just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My DS has a long standing history of anxiety and is currently at home taking a year out after a mental health crisis (do they call it a nervous breakdown anymore?) at Easter during his second year. He's on meds and having CBT and will hopefully step back onto his course at the same point next Easter

If you can then get him to somehow engage with student services for support they have been invaluable for us.

I have a friend who son was diagnosed with HFA very late, when he was almost about to go to uni. He was academically extremely able, but it was only when he left uni after two months in (the uni asked him to leave as his behaviour and attendance was so erratic) that he was able to admit to his parents that he found the whole experience of exams/academic work/institutional life incredibly stressful. He worked for a bit - physical jobs, went off travelling to an organised sporting event over two months with the money he saved. I would say he is a completely different person mentally having come to terms with his own "stressors" and not fighting the world any more. Essentially understanding his autism. He refused to let any of the uni team know he had a problem when he started the course so they were unable to support him at all, and thus it went completely pearshaped very quickly, socially, and eventually academically. But he is doing so so well now, will probably go back to study later when he is emotionally ready/older. Have you considered your son might have autism, which would explain a lot of his stresses/reactions? It might help him to consider it. I have a son with autism, who I am hoping will go to uni, and we are very open about his needs. He has an EHCP at the moment but we only got it when he was 14. My friend's son never had any formal help for his undiagnosed HFA, as far as the school he went completely under the radar and saved it for home - aggression etc.

My friend has seen this year transform her son's outlook, and getting out of the uni mind track was the start of him calming down. But possibly it was something that had to go wrong first, for him to admit it.

My friend found her son very difficult to live with. She was longing for him to go. But then when he returned after the debacle, accepted some professional input (no even medication just an overview) things turned around for them all, and he was much much easier to get along with. Not that this will necessarily happen to your son (returning I mean) just to let you know that what might seem the worst situation is not necessarily the end of the world.

That's very reassuring, @knittingwithnettles that your friend's DS has improved with some time away from the treadmill of formal education. He's still learning new things , just differently.

If I ruled the world ... all children would take a gap year away from the exams/achievement treadmill. They'd learn other kinds of things (like how to get on with others outside the family) and it'd be a bit of time to assess whether university is what they most want to do. Sometimes I think they arrohete because it's "the thing" you do next. Not a good enough reason and I say that as someone who was set on a particular study area from the age of around 12, and I've never really left!

As other academics have said, there is help, but we can't do a anything official unless there is proper evidence. There can be understanding, but we can't help in official ways without documentation.

Good luck!

I agree that informally contacting the department senior tutor/head of first year would be a help.

They won't be able to discuss anything with you, but a bit of warning would allow the pastoral care system to keep an eye out. I would probably also assign him to a more experienced personal tutor. I've been head of our undergrad programmes, and I would have welcomed this kind of contact from a concerned parent - as long as they realised that we couldn't talk to them about their child.

I have met parents with their student child before, and that's usually gone well. We are able to problem solve as a group and work on a solution together. Parents who know how to support their children are a really useful safety net for a vulnerable young person.

Do suggest that he signs up for the university counselling service asap. The waiting lists can be long, but I think it would be of real value. A fresh start is a good idea, but with that might come a fresh start at addressing the anxiety and self-esteem issues.

Thank you all for your kind messages. I am reading them.

My DD went to uni this time last year with quite severe mh problems, despite us not wanting her to. She was getting treatment which continued via the GP at uni. It didn't go well, however so she came home in the second term - she kind of pretended everything was fine until Christmas. However, during that year she was referred for an ASD diagnosis, which was positive. (I second the suggestion made up thread that if it hasn't been considered for your DS, autism may be a factor?) She is now going back to the first year again, hopefully this time with good support and DSA funding. So OP if things don't go well, if you can let your DS know that he is by no means alone - plenty of kids take 2,3 extra years, and in the long run it makes no odds.
I did try and keep in touch every day (paranoia on my part but not unfounded given difficulties), just practical questions, photo of the dog etc, keeping it casual. Hope all goes ok.