Uni Freshers parents 2016?

[granarybeck]

hi

I've just been reading recent threads on weekly living costs and what to take to uni and found loads of useful info. I'm certainly finding that there was so much focus on getting the results/not tempting fate that it all feels a bit of a panic now. I have a dd going to warwick and a ds going to bath.

Wondered if there is already a thread for other general tips for those with dd/s starting uni this September?

Coconutty He's been there since Saturday so not long. He's convinced they are all extravert party animals except for him (and one introvert girl who is being looked after by the other girls).

I think he was hoping that he could miss out on some of the socialising and still fit in but now he's become very self conscious and convinced he doesn't. He did have a difficult time once at school when he became very self conscious and insecure but seemed to come out of it at sixth firm college where he was pretty sociable. I hope that if this doesn't improve he can at least keep it in perspective without it affecting his self-esteem. He has mentioned friends from his course so I'm hoping he will socialise with them.

granarybeck Yes I think that sort of thing is a good idea. I've suggested similar and hopes he acts on it.

Can i join in? Dd 2 went at the weekend, and I'm finding it very hard because she is very unhappy. She is a confident, sociable person , normally good at making friends, but she's found it all overwhelming - she's in a flat of 5, and there's nobody she feels a connection with, and nobody who wants to go to the things she does. She drinks but doesn't go all out to get drunk and doesnt feel comfortable getting drunk with people she doesnt know - so that's everyone then! She's very sad and lonely and it's heartbreaking.

Thank you all. I have now had a three word reply to my message to DS so at least I know he's still alive!!

place your poor DD. It's still early days for her. From what I remember of being at uni, I was keen to be on friendly terms with everyone I met at first, and after a few weeks you develop stronger bonds with (for example) certain flatmates or people on the same course.

I think the modern trend of flats with catering facilities can be very isolating. At least with catered they can bump into and find their people. £££ though.
If your dcs are the slightest bit 'that way inclined' point them towards the CU- they're very friendly and kind and really do look after freshers/ provide some respite from all the partying.

Bless you coconutty , that made me feel better. DS did go out on a society event last night (linked to his course) and loved it so not all is bad.

place Understanding the heartbreak all too well. I am holding on to some of the wise words on here. It is early days, there are many more students out there other than flat mates and Freshers Week may not be representative of university life in general.

I will be thinking of you and your DD .

Hope things get better for your DS Phaedra Echoing what others have said, it is early days and once Freshers is over and the harder work starts, hopefully they should all start to settle down and rein in the partying a bit.

And place, I hope your DD finds her 'tribe' soon too.

My DD is into her second week and is having a brilliant time and has made friends. Some of the others she met haven't been as happy, and apparently there is the opportunity for them to swap rooms after the first couple of weeks. Maybe that's something other universities can offer if students really don't feel comfortable with their flat mates.

Phaedra good to hear he enjoyed an evening out. It's hard for them to be thrown in among people they don't know and have nothing in common with and have to live together- most older adults would struggle in that situation, never mind when you're 18 and in a totally new environment. Thanks for nice comments everyone. It is early days, but it feels like a long week already and Dd has only been away 4 nights!!

Coco, ive tried to encourage her to go and join societies but today she was feeling so bad she didn't go out at all because she was too tearful

place how awful, I bet you just want to go and pick up your DD and bring her home

My dd has been away since 3rd September and she's coming home on Thursday until Sunday as she has a appointment at the local hospital that can't be changed. I'm looking forward to find out how everything is going rather than messages here and there on messenger.

It must be awful knowing your DC is unhappy at university. My DS doesn't like his flat mates much, gets on better with another flats crew, one lad there had left ( so he's looking to see if he can move flat.

He's also not very socially confident so I was v worried but he's really making an effort. Joining all types of clubs to meet a wide range of people. I dare say only a few societies will last the course!

It's so boring at home without them (DTs so lost two at once!) but thank god me and mr frolicks are getting on better than I'd anticipated.

Phaedra and place It is hard if they are struggling and I hope it gets better.

I was feeling worried about my DS. He shoved all his kitcchen stuff and food under the bed saying he didn't need to put it in the kitchen which I took to mean I have no intentions of going in the kitchen as I can hear there are people in there.

He didn't go out the first few days. Today I asked what he was up to and he said he was playing GTA with his flatmates so a big improvement.

Just heard from DD and the whole hall is tired and sick and watching a musical in the TV room

Place - my DD was very tearful yesterday and said she was coming home. I face timed her and persuaded her to stay. I have told her she can commute weekly if necessary. She has bucked up since. She went to the society fair yesterday afternoon and joined a few including the wine society! Her elder sister managed to get one of her friends who is at the same uni to meet her for a coffee which cheered her up. DD didn't get into the halls she chose and appears to have ended up in the 'posh' halls. Several flat mates have been to boarding school and are a lot more confident about being away from home. She said they are all very nice but a bit overwhelming. Luckily she has had a full intro day of her course today and that has helped - one of the boys went with her.
It is a big step for them all but early days yet, so fingers crossed. I say this as a parent whose elder DD hated her course last year and came home part way through the year. After working for 6 months, she has started a new course & uni this year and already seems more settled the last year.

Yesterday my BFF dropped by- we met on our first day at uni back in the dark ages, and miraculously DS was up after his very late/early night. We had a lovely chat about our different experiences in those first few days. I was fresh out of boarding school so to me it didn't seem such a big deal - I unpacked, put posters up etc as "normal". My friend was leaving home for the first time, leaving her first love and found it all really overwhelming and upsetting. However she reassured DS (who will be in a similar position to her) that once the routine had kicked in and she met some people (me and her now husband!) all of that anxiety and sense of loss disappeared. I hope DS found that comforting- I've been saying to him that there will inevitably be wobbles in the first few days and weeks and that's it's ok to admit to that, but to keep a hold of the big picture. These are a random collection of kids who happen to be the same age and I'm sure it can take time to find those who chime. As parents though it's heartbreaking to see them through these difficult moments!

all round It's easy for us to lose perspective- us as worldly wise grownups, so understandably hard for our young people to lose sight of the bigger picture Hope today brings better things for all of them

Hellsbells - my DD is also at Leeds - if your DD continues to find it hard, let me know if she'd like to meet my DD for a coffee and a chat. Sometimes, it is just about finding some friends outside the bubble of your flat and flat mates.

As the medicine course started on Monday, DD has already made two good friends with people on her course (one of whom is at CM ). She was delighted to find that they are both in her personal tutor group - which given there are 250 students on her course and only 8 in a tutor group, is pretty damned lucky!

She has been very lucky with her flat as she loves the other two girls there and they have been meal planning, shopping and cooking together. They've been a good fit for DD, who is happy to party only every second night, as are they! The three boys seem less integrated at the moment, will have to see how that goes - it is early days yet and I think the boys spend a lot more time in their room, on their gaming stuff. They have all been to the pub together a couple of times though.

Having read some of the posts on here about boys feeling a bit less secure about using the shared space, I will suggest to DD that she sees if there is a way of involving the boys a bit more in the communal cooking and eating experience.

the boys spend a lot more time in their room, on their gaming stuff We live in the back of beyond and DS spends most of his time on line gaming, albeit with real life friends who are sitting in their room 20 miles away. I am hoping he will resist the temptation to retreat to his room instead of pushing himself to meet new friends.

When DS1 started uni two years ago I thought it was a shame that his uni started a full timetable of lectures in freshers week. Now I think that might be a good idea. It seems freshers week can be a long lonely week for those who aren't as socially confident as others.

Hellsbells- my DS is in his 4th year at Leeds.he loves his course and the uni, but hates Leeds.He still comes home every weekend and that has been his life line really.The first year was worst.He was in James Baillie (which was lovely) but he was with partyanimals ill-suited flatmates .In the second year he moved in with an old friend and his mates and was much much happier.
I think leeds was a bit of a culture shock to him as we live in a rural, white middle class area.

Thanks Soapybox! The girl from home who met up with DD2 for a coffee is a 2nd year medic - they must all be lovely people .
I think DD will be ok, she is just a real home bird. She has done something every night and her flat mates are including her. She is just finding it overwhelming. She also has a medical issue which makes her tired so late nights and alcohol are probably not helping. She has a ticket for an event at Tiger Tiger tonight and is looking forward to that. Hopefully when her course gets going it should help. I have said I will drive over and meet her for Sunday lunch if she wants me to (which I don't want to do as it is a 4 hour round trip!).

Hi a7mints. Glad your DS is enjoying his course. Yes weekly commuting is an option if she struggles too much, we will see! Luckily DD is on campus so at least she is in the middle of things and doesn't have to go far for lectures, student union and the gym.