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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Uni break up

13 replies

Sounbelievablydull · 22/10/2015 21:51

Just hoping for some words of wisdom
My son and his girlfriend just statarted at different universities.
She is a lovely girl.
They have been going out for over two years.
Tonight I called , don't know what made me do it as I have resisted calling him sticking to texts etc.
He sounded awful and said this evening his girlfriend had finished it with him.now I honestly didn't expect them to live happily ever after but not sure how to support him. He says he wants to come home but can't as has lectures
If he was here I'd fuss him with nice dinners etc but what should I do.
He's very quiet and sensitive and I'm really worried this might have a very detrimental effect on his studies
Maybe I have put this in the wrong section as well!

OP posts:
Decorhate · 23/10/2015 06:25

Sad for him. How far away is he? Can he come home this weekend or you go to him? I guess there is never a good time for a break-up. My dd only started going out with her bf in the summer. I just can't see it lasting because of the distance.

eatyourveg · 23/10/2015 07:59

Can you go to him for the weekend? ds has a reading week coming up, if your ds has one too, then perhaps some time at home might help. I would be encouraging him to spend time with his uni friends going out (I don't mean partying just doing things) - keeping busy is a distraction and whilst it won't heal any pain it may prevent him from getting into a position where he is so upset, it affects his studies which you mention may happen.

MultiShirking · 23/10/2015 08:48

It's tough but this happens. It's part of leaving home and learning to be independent (after all, there are other posters on this site who have families at 18 or 19!). Break ups are horrible whatever the age, but it will give him freedom to make a wide range of new relationships - maybe encourage him to make a wide range of friendships mostly?

And just a note from a frustrated tutor - don't assume Reading Week is a vacation: we always set a lot of work and extra seminars, and employability events, over reading week. It's a break from scheduled lectures, but not a vacation. There's work to be done.

eatyourveg · 23/10/2015 10:03

Hadn't meant to imply reading week was akin to a half term jolly at all - I've noticed with ds that when he has tons of work to do he will often come home for a night or two - (He's in London which is commuting distance) he says its much easier to concentrate at home and appreciates any cups of tea or hugs mid essay by way of encouragement. Yes a break up is a part of growing up and he will find solace with his uni friends but imo a bruised heart will always appreciate home comforts given the opportunity.

Original poster
Sounbelievablydull · 23/10/2015 13:18

Thankyou for your replies.
He has some old friends from home visiting him this weekend so that should be nice for him and next weekend he and a group of his home friends are going up to visit one of his pals he was at nursery with!
I think he would like to come home but it will have to be after all these outings
At least he will be busy
I know all these things are part of life but it seems so early in the year and I think a few of them are 'dipping' now that the reality of it all is sinking in.
It's not all fun and games being young is it?

OP posts:
SeekretSquirrels · 23/10/2015 14:03

Oh it's hard when they are grown up and you can no longer hug it all better Sad. It does sound though that he has some good friends who will help him through it.
Does he Skype? It's somehow much more personal than a phone call. Young people are not used to making phone calls because it's an outdated method of communication to them, and DS certainly avoids ringing anyone. However he comes on Skype and chats for an hour.

MultiShirking · 23/10/2015 14:54

Hadn't meant to imply reading week was akin to a half term jolly at all

Sorry Smile just me being peed off with a lot of first years who've been given a very useful set of employment training/employability opportunities which a colleague has gone above & beyond (and pulling in favours from alumni) to organise, to give them all a head start. And some UGs have been whining at me that they can't come because their mothers have booked them tickets to go home for the "half term break" and they have to go because it's a family holiday. And then they (and their parents) have the nerve to complain about the £9k fees. Sad Angry

eatyourveg · 23/10/2015 15:38

That does sound promising. When ds and his girlfriend broke up this time last year (they got back together after 3 months) his friends really rallied round and it was lovely to see how much they cared about him. Sounds like your ds has a good bunch of people around him too.

Brew Cake to MultiShirking

SeekretSquirrels · 23/10/2015 16:20

MultiShirking Perhaps reading week should be scrapped? DS1 doesn't get one. Nor am I permitted to book family holidays at Easter or Christmas because those holidays are taken up with revision Hmm.

I wonder whether this early stage of first year is too soon for careers stuff? They have barely begun their degree. DS has started the career stuff with a vengeance this year, his second of a 4 year degree. Lots of courses on applications, internships, cvs etc. He is finding very few second years at company presentations and careers fairs let alone freshers.

MultiShirking · 23/10/2015 17:39

No it's not according to my expert colleagues in our careers service. We don't do "careers" as such with them, but employability activities. According to my careers service colleagues (who are very good with our graduates with generalist degrees in both sciences and humanities) they need to be thinking about employability - not necessarily specific careers or jobs -- in their 1st year.

In gathering internal feedback each year, our students tell us that we don't do enough to help them prepare for careers /get jobs on graduation, so now we do. And embarassingly sometimes have zero attendance at talks by alumni successful in the very fields our students say they want to enter

Go figure.

Anyway good to hear that OP's DS has some stuff to keep him occupied. And I hope that once he gets over the immediate pain of being dumped, he uses that as a spur to get to know a wide range of people, and maybe gets involved in some new activities. That's partly what university is for, after all!

SeekretSquirrels · 23/10/2015 17:47

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest that it wasn't a good idea to plan for employability, just a possible reason for low uptake.

I agree that sometimes having a long distance BF or GF can stop the student from making the most of their uni experience socially.
Still hard to be dumped.

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2015 13:33

Oh dear. That's a pretty awful start to uni. I agree plan lots of things to keep him occupied, particularly at Christmas, when I expect he will have memories of last Christmas with her. Perhaps do something different so it's not so easily compared to last Christmas

Millipedewithherfeetup · 24/10/2015 13:41

Send a care package to help cheer him up, lots of nice biscuits, snacks etc, nice warm jumper etc ? Also just keeling in touch will help him cope, skype is great, i find chatting on it so much easier than phone calls x hope all works out ok for him.x

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