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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

DD unhappy at uni - what should I do?

79 replies

RandomSocks · 09/10/2015 14:09

DD moved in to her college on Sunday and is very unhappy and says she wants to come home. It is still Freshers Week and classes start on Monday.

Her confidence and interest in her subject, that she applied for over a year ago, has fallen. She wasn't well-taught in the final year of school, and instead of getting the top grade that she expected she got the equivalent of B, which was still enough to have her place confirmed.

She could have taken a gap year and re-applied for a different subject, possibly re-sitting one or two exams to improve her grade, but didn't want to.

She says that she doesn't like it at Durham and wants to come home. She isn't looking forward to classes on Monday. I am sure that she could do her subject if she wanted to, but it doesn't seem like she wants to. On the phone, she sounds lethargic, disinterested and unhappy. What should I do?

OP posts:

boatashore · 11/10/2015 14:54

Right now, AnxiousStudentsNet sounds brilliant!

GypsyFl0ss · 11/10/2015 14:56

I am really sorry to hear that DC are still struggling. Duck it does sound like a planned year out to recover is what your Dd needs right now. Random I hope that maybe after a week of lectures your Dd will find her feet.

My Dd would be more than happy to knock on your DC's doors and offer some company if any of them are in Grey. I know she's got one mate who is finding it tough and they've made a deal to find a club they both enjoy to join together and they're going to start in house weekly film nights ...in the corridor cos there's no area big enough for them to congregate!

fastdaytears · 11/10/2015 15:01

GypsyFl0ss good choice of college! And your DD sounds lovely.

GypsyFl0ss · 11/10/2015 15:07

She's loving it but understands that others are not having such a good time. She has panic attacks which are a result of a very stressful year and have been well controlled and manageable this week. But tbh it could have easily gone the other way for her.

Seriouslyffs · 11/10/2015 15:10

It's hard to believe that they've only been there a week!

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 11/10/2015 15:24

Once upon a time there was a little 18 yr old called ThenLater who went to university. She was the only one of her group of friends to have passed her A'levels. The Sunday morning her Mum came in to get her up to drive to Manchester she sobbed and sobbed and refused to get out of bed even. They eventually got her there, and moved her in to a shared room with a girl with a Nik Kershaw album under her arm that she refused to speak to.

She stayed a week, crying into her pillow every night, refusing point blank to go to any freshers' things, and phoned her beloved night after night, writing copious letters and the odd bit of poetry.

The first weekend she had a row with her Mum because she wanted to go home for the weekend and her Mum said it was too soon. She relented and yours truly did go home. Saw the boyfriend and dreaded Sunday night coming.

Promised herself to give it till Christmas. Time passed, the boyfriend came to stay, she went home. Then somehow, over the weeks, things changed. She started getting on really really well with these new people. Started thinking she might actually get involved in a few things. The lectures were fine.

By November she and the boyfriend were on a trial separation instigated by her and she was out at least 5 nights a week, a member of various groups/societies and a fully fledged student.

I still look back and thank my lucky stars my Mum stood her ground.

for you OP, and to your dd. I'm a million years old now, and sooner or later dd will go to university. I live in a place now where kids tend to go to the university nearest home and commute daily. Dd won't do that, no matter how hard I cry after she's gone. Because for 99.99% of UK kids who go to university it's the best years of their lives and they just sometimes need that little shove from us to realise that.

GypsyFl0ss · 11/10/2015 15:26

Yes it is! It feels so much longer. I think DD is quite relieved that Freshers is done and normal service will start tomorrow. She's not found it that easy to sort out her timetable and they've very much been expected, as they should be, to crack on and sort it out. I would imagine that if you are feeling low and struggling that organising your timetable clashes might be the final straw though.

PurpleWithRed · 11/10/2015 15:35

On the other hand... My dd went to uni to do the course she had best a levels for. On arrival her accommodation was shit and miles outside uni, and more importantly she hated the course. She loved the social life. She stuck it out for four weeks then tried to get some help from the uni. They were useless so at six weeks she dropped out.

Came home, gap year, found the right uni and the right course, really good application, saved £, travelled and went off to her new uni happy as a lark without a backward glance.

Dropping out was the right ing for her, definitely.

DoctorDoctor · 11/10/2015 16:00

Lecturer here and I agree that freshers' week really doesn't work well for many young people. She hasn't given it a fair crack yet and really should try the course itself. I think the three week rule is a good one. I'd be cautious about going up there yourself for a whole week, as that might get in the way of her meeting like-minded people and spending any time with them. Could you go up there for the day on Wednesday, when it's likely there will be no afternoon classes, so you'd get at least half the day with her and possibly all day?

birdsdestiny · 11/10/2015 18:56

Paleontologist, I am in L, I know EW, but can't work out W, am a bit slow today.
Sorry when I said the world won't end I didn't really mean that in terms of telling Dd to tough it out. I meant it more for those sat worrying at home. I had a horrible couple of months at uni, dropped out, took a while to find my way, but found a career I loved, and before I had children was certainly earning more than my friends who went to uni. If you asked my mum if she ever gives my dropping out a second thought the answer would be no. However this is easy for me to say, if this is DS in a few years I will be hopeless.

IAmAPaleontologist · 11/10/2015 19:52

The little village just a mile from EW. L is lovely, I've had hot chocolate and waffles in the kaffehause 2 weeks running

Millymollymama · 11/10/2015 21:20

Op. I do wonder if your DD is getting worried because she has a B in her subject at A level . This might be seen as a low grade at Durham do her confidence might be dented and she may think everyone is better than her. This can be exacerbated at freshers week because everyone else can seem so confident and clever. I do hope everything works out and she regains her zest for the subject.

IAmAPaleontologist · 11/10/2015 21:54

People do talk a lot of shit in freshers that is very true some people continue to talk shit for the full 3 years

ThatsDissapointing · 11/10/2015 22:14

to all of you with struggling DC. Hopefully once things settle down and they get into a routine things will improve for them.

Headofthehive55 · 12/10/2015 08:16

Sometimes their confidence is knocked by getting a B and I know it's one of the questions that they all seem to ask each other, as if to put in an unofficial pecking order to the group. Do remind her that good grades do not always translate into a good degree and vice versa. They are not fixed. It's a level playing field again, and degrees are marked oh so differently to A levels.
Let's hope they have a better week! I like the suggestion of a Wednesday meet up!

Quietlygoingmad67 · 12/10/2015 21:37

tantilising how is your dd now? My Dd sounds very similar to yours - has very low self esteem and has suffered from body dysmorphia and is a recovering bulimic! She has a lot of issues and was in tears for over an hour on Friday night - feels left out and just wants a couple of friends but she struggles to make friends! My DH went up on Sunday and they had a nerdy day exploring the city - she has contacted her counsellor and hopefully will have a Skype session this week which hopefully will help her calm down her anxiety. Sending you hugs as I also have another dx who has CFS so have an understanding xxx

halvedfees · 19/10/2015 14:43

If it helps my DS is at Durham - just started. He was a bit "meh" about Fresher's week - it was over-hyped. As a result he was a bit down about uni. Fortunately he had an unexpectedly brilliant night out on Friday with his academic family for that read got completely pissed, and that, along with making lots of new friends, has improved things a lot for him.

I do hope your DD has found her feet. It is overwhelming.

KittiesInsane · 19/10/2015 21:31

Very quiet cautious cheer here as DS rang and said today 'hadn't been too bad'.

Compared with last week, this is practically the same as leaping on rooftops with pompoms*.

How are yours doing, Random and Tantalising?

[*Why does autocorrect want to make that into 'poppadoms'?That would just be weird]

KittiesInsane · 19/10/2015 21:32

And your DC, Gypsy and Boat?

boatashore · 23/10/2015 21:12

I've been waiting to post because it's so hard to type with your fingers crossed while holding your breath!

DD has had a much better week. Last week, I was sure she'd be home before Christmas; now I'm very cautiously optimistic that maybe she'll make it through the term, and maybe even the year. She switched courses a few weeks ago and now that the dust has settled she's happier with what she is studying, and I think she's coming out of her room and talking to people a bit more. I don't think she's anywhere near having found her niche yet, but she no longer sounds constantly miserable, and has even had moments of happiness. Of course, with the first batch of assignments due soon, that could all change again.

Kitties -- how was the rest of the week for your DS?
Random, Tantalising and Gypsy??

KittiesInsane · 23/10/2015 21:57

Oh that sounds promising, Boat!

Thanks for asking after DS. Unfortunately he had the inevitable crash after his few days of feeling brighter (this always seems to happen to him) and phoned sounding wretched again today. He panicked about going into a practical and ran off shaking - but then very sensibly took himself over to Student Support and they helped him calm down.

Even if he doesn't make it through the term, it'll at least have been a new set of experiences.

Seriouslyffs · 09/11/2015 15:59

How is everyone doing? It sounds (from DD) hard. Lots of late nights and lots of work too. What's 'Student Support' Kittie? Is it intercollegiate? Might have to point DD in that direction...

tantalisingduck · 09/11/2015 19:55

Hello all,
My DD left, with blessing and support of uni, and hopes to return next year. It has been a devastating time for her, and she is going to need a lot of professional and family help. One of the difficulties is trying to second guess how she will fell next summer - hopefully medication, therapy, counselling, some sleep will put her in a position to consider uni again. But would returning bring back all the memories of this years experience? Or would it help that she knows a little of how things work there, the staff/support services etc would know her and support could be put in place beforehand without having to go through ordeal of explanations etc. The College system was hugely helpful, then again it's a long way away...
The important thing though is to get DD well again.
Good luck to everyone else...

serin · 09/11/2015 21:37

TantalisingDuck....Sorry to hear that she didn't settle but glad that she is home safely. She can take time to wind down now and reconsider her options when she is well again.

Seriouslyffs · 09/11/2015 21:44

I'm sorry tantalising
for both of you.

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