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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

DD unhappy at uni - what should I do?

79 replies

RandomSocks · 09/10/2015 14:09

DD moved in to her college on Sunday and is very unhappy and says she wants to come home. It is still Freshers Week and classes start on Monday.

Her confidence and interest in her subject, that she applied for over a year ago, has fallen. She wasn't well-taught in the final year of school, and instead of getting the top grade that she expected she got the equivalent of B, which was still enough to have her place confirmed.

She could have taken a gap year and re-applied for a different subject, possibly re-sitting one or two exams to improve her grade, but didn't want to.

She says that she doesn't like it at Durham and wants to come home. She isn't looking forward to classes on Monday. I am sure that she could do her subject if she wanted to, but it doesn't seem like she wants to. On the phone, she sounds lethargic, disinterested and unhappy. What should I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

RandomSocks · 09/10/2015 16:32

Teladi that is exactly what DD is feeling, overwhelmed and missing the BF, which is a complication that doesn't help matters. DD is trying out for musical theatre, so will have something to do if she gets in.

lol at fastdaytears missing breakfast every day - dinner is really early, didn't you wake up hungry?

OP posts:

tantalisingduck · 09/10/2015 16:40

I have sent you a PM Socks. My daughter in a very similar position of feeling very unhappy and overwhelmed at same university. The advice from the senior tutor of her college is also to do at least one full week of lectures to give some structure and normality to the week and to allow friendships to develop naturally rather than in the frenzy of freshers. Sadly my own DD has some health issues to contend with as well.

Seriouslyffs · 09/10/2015 17:13

Hugs to socks and tantalising and your DDs. DD is there too and shattered. Happy but this week has been crazy. I think the late start is probably part of it too- it's been a long time since they got their results- all their friends had left already and she arrived pumped up with a month's horror stories from friends.
She did mention that they group chat each morning: 'who's going to breakfast? Me. Me. OMG I'm hungover. Lols' sounds exhausting.
I think she's learning from her early days at VI form boarding which was a disaster. Missing breakfast set up a pattern of isolation which snowballed and she's determined that it won't happen again.

KittiesInsane · 09/10/2015 17:43

Why are there so many Durham examples on this thread, I wonder? Are Durham students a particularly anxious lot, or do the colleges need to rethink what happens in freshers Week, or is it just that the main rush of new starters elsewhere have all settled in by now?

NameChangerGoGo · 09/10/2015 17:48

kitties I won't comment on that but when I saw the title of the thread I clicked on it thinking 'This is bound to be about Durham'

Seriouslyffs · 09/10/2015 17:50

^^ all of that kittie
Not only are they one of very few universities doing Freshers this week, they've had weeks of nerve wracking anticipation. It's also one of the more remote universities in terms of where the students are from- very few local students so there's a critical mass of young people away from home for the first time.

IAmAPaleontologist · 09/10/2015 17:52

Hardly anyone went to breakfast when I was in Castle. There would be a table of physics students and me, the token arts student who was just there because my bf (now dh) would get up stupidly early to go rowing so I was awake. Most people just kept cereals in their room.

I remember that horrible, daunting feeling when you walk into the great hall and can't see anyone you know to sit with . But give it a few weeks in Durham and it is impossible to walk down the street without seeing someone you know.

PirateSmile · 09/10/2015 18:02

My DN is at Durham and whilst she likes it I can fully understand that it could be overwhelming for some people. I remember being a student and feeling really out of my depth simply because the buildings were so beautiful and ancient. Having been at a comprehensive school in the NW it felt very alien to me.
Freshers week seems to be all about drinking and socialising and frankly, this isn't everybody's thing.

fastdaytears · 09/10/2015 19:19

Durham is a great university and my college did Freshers Week really well. People are a really long way from home though and it's a total immersion thing though with people tending to have very little contact with home.

WalterFlipstick · 09/10/2015 21:54

I'm an academic (not at Durham!) and your DD is far from alone in this.

It's very common for students to be overwhelmed by all the chaos of freshers' week and have a wobble before lectures actually starts. I had a lad crying in my office this year.

The "3 week" advice given upthread is excellent. In almost all cases, once they get into the course proper, they are fine.

brokenvases · 10/10/2015 05:38

I have a friend who is going to uni locally and living at home. Shes very outgoing. About two weeks in she was crying everytime i spoke to her. I persuaded her to stick at it as i had had to leave and regreted it.
She found it really hard but shes in her second year and doing great now.

Dd is going to be a utter nightmare in a few years. She has AS and is desperate to go to uni but likely to fall apart.

BoboChic · 10/10/2015 06:18

Does your DD know what subject she would prefer to do in place of her chosen degree course?

GypsyFl0ss · 10/10/2015 08:00

My DD is at Durham and it is working for her right now as it suits her personality but I can see that my DS would drown in that kind of intensive environment . I think the advice to give it at least a week or more is sound advice and hopefully lectures will make her realise what she loved about her subject. And if she needs to change subjects then that's not the end of the world either.

Kitties the long wait to start when all her mates had gone did nothing for my DD's anxiety and we wholly expected Freshers to be more challenging than it has been because of it.

Headofthehive55 · 11/10/2015 08:01

I've come to the conclusion that unl life is not for everyone. Not for me, not for my daughter. I acknowledge that it's difficult, sympathise, but ultimately she has to get on with it if she wants her degree and join her chosen profession.

Visiting helps, Skype, letters, and parcels....I once sent some baking stuff for her to do. She's also fairly local so a car helped her get about and feel she can come home if she needed to. Like anything if you know you can, suddenly the need doesn't always remain.

Perhaps join a society? Make sure it's an active one!

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 11/10/2015 08:17

My DD is at Durham and we live abroad. She finds herself more at home with the international students as they are also a long way from home and are not used to the UK. Perhaps your DD could look for some societies with large numbers of internationals? Which country are you from? There are hundreds of international students at Durham so there will be some kindred spirits out there.

Graceymac · 11/10/2015 10:05

I remember my first few weeks at Uni many years ago. I felt overwhelmed by it, didn't know anyone, was homesick and cried a lot initially saying I wanted to go home. I got the train home every weekend for the first semester, then as friendships developed I went home less and started to feel that Uni was home and I only travelled to my parents in the holidays. I made some life long friendships. A week isn't long enough to decide. Are you able to travel to her for a weekend or two initially? Things will turn around I am sure it just takes time.

NameChangerGoGo · 11/10/2015 12:20

Tomorrow is the start of week 1, OP when lectures, workshops, seminars etc. begin. I suspect that by the end of next week she'll have a clearer idea about what she wants to do.

Sending much hope that she gets on well next week.

Will you come and update OP, please?

Now off to finish off preparing my lecture for tomorrow! Yikes!

tantalisingduck · 11/10/2015 12:38

DD is struggling more than ever.
I had to talk her through getting herself up and out via FaceTime this morning which can't be right. Somehow what she managed to hide from us as Chronic fatigue and anxiety has now been outed as full on depression. She hates herself, feels boring and is convinced noone would be interested to talk to her (she says she wouldn't want to talk to herself), has no confidence in her academic abilities, can't see the point of sorting out her desk and timetable to be ready for lectures. DH is up there with her this weekend but I'm seriously doubting, as is she, whether she can even get through this first week of lectures as her Tutor/new GP ( both very understanding and supportive) suggested. They are concerned that she should make a positive decision to leave, and return in a year, not just run away which will reinforce feelings of hopelessness. Thing is, I'm beginning to understand that making a positive decision, especially such a "big" one as this, is the very thing which her current mental state does not allow her to do.
My heart is breaking for her.
I'm frantically trying to clear my diary for next week so I can go hang out in a B & B to be near and support her and then help her make a decision at the end of the week. I know a week is no time at all, I know that my being up there gives her a get out for getting on with it. But when I see the broken child she has become it seems cruel beyond words to make her suffer more. She has got a few horrid months to get through trying to find the right treatment in even the best scenario in any event.

I'll be looking out for a happy ending for your DD, OP. I'm hoping it will be the same for mine, albeit a year down the line.

KittiesInsane · 11/10/2015 12:52

Oh poor, poor lamb.
Really feel for you as I've already wept down the phone at Student Support twice in the first week as a side effect of DS's despairing incoherent phone calls (ASD and clinical depression here, thought it was moderately under control but clearly not).

birdsdestiny · 11/10/2015 12:53

I am another who lives in a village outside of Durham ( now wondering who these fellow mumsnetters are!) , would be happy to meet up with her if she gets desperate! Its interesting but I too dropped out of Durham, to be honest back then it seemed overwhelming, and quite posh, the whole formal dinner thing, etc. However I was very immature and homesick. As hard as it is she needs to give it a go, the world wont end if she has a horrible 3 weeks, and it also won't end if she decides university is not for her. But it must be heartbreaking to watch. It will pass.
R

KittiesInsane · 11/10/2015 12:54

DS spent ALL of yesterday hiding in his bedroom but has been persuaded to go out at least to buy fruit this morning. He's trying to avoid seeing anyone.

Did you mean your DD has been diagnosed with ME/CFS in mistake for depression?

KittiesInsane · 11/10/2015 12:56

Birds, that's lovely of you (I know the offer was to Tantalising). I'm a bit cautious about telling anyone the world won't end if you tough it out. DS has form for just sinking further into despair and ill health, and becoming a danger to himself - so there's a balance to be struck.

IAmAPaleontologist · 11/10/2015 13:01

Where are you birds? I'm in W just past EW.

boatashore · 11/10/2015 13:26

Kitties -- I agree that there can be very real dangers in telling someone with true depression to tough it out. My DD's issue is anxiety, which thankfully hasn't been accompanied by depression, so I'm trying a bit more of a tough love approach, but I'm not sure it's doing any good, and I'm not sure I'd do it if she were battling depression.

DD is at a different uni. She's been there three weeks. Feeling miserable and isolated. Only 7 hours of contact time, and most of that in large lectures. Has gone out for a few societies but hasn't found her niche. Increasingly feeling that no one wants to talk to her.

How do the quiet, intense kids find each other when they have virtually no time in small-group classes?

Her hallmates are nice enough, but they like to party, so there is no bonding over cooking, films, or conversation; just loads of loud fun that leaves her feeling more isolated than ever. I've suggested she try changing halls, but she doesn't know enough people to know which halls are quieter, and where she might find some like-minded souls. She's a fairly social, but not in a partying/drinking way. Loud, crowded places make her panic, which seems to rule out 90% of student gatherings. I'm running out of ideas.

KittiesInsane · 11/10/2015 13:36

They need AnxiousStudentsNet really, don't they (though I suppose there would be a risk of leading each other further into gloom).

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