EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

Hi everyone DD3 has now moved halls. She is in a quiter non smoking flat. Her flatemates once again are 2nd years she didn't know last year however 3 of her friends from last year are in the flat opposite and she says her new flatemates are nice. They even offered to help move her stuff if she needed it,

mumeeee That must be a great relief. The new flat mates and neighbours sound promising. Actually DSs flat mates are all clubbers but he gets on weel with them and has made friends with some from the flat below.

Another family in the sticks here.
There is A Bus which goes twice a day to the nearest town and the sixth form college where DS2 goes. There was much taxiing until DS1 learned to drive as soon as he was 17 and now he borrows my car. Limited job opportunities but he does a bit of tutoring.
DS2 approaching 17 so that will be two young drivers on my car insurance .

murderedinkent I haven't gone further than a good spring clean of his room it still smells of him though which is nice

I too like that green dot on FB. I'm having a wobble today. Woke up this morning missing DD and feel close to tears! Don't where it's come from really. It's 3 weeks since she came home and that seems ages ago, oh well only another 3 and she'll be home for Christmas and I'm already worrying about how bored she will be in the back of beyond for however long the holidays are

Gah! Really should preview my post for missing words and grammar!!

No face book, but we have Skype sussed and there is also a reassuring little box that comes up on screen when they are logged on so you can see if they are alive. Sorry to say this MN but it has a large choice of emojis and you can send little typed messages if you need to tell them something. Isn't modern technology great?

Time for a treat for yourself Medge68. Hope you feel better soon.

Great news mumeee. Hope it works out better with these flat mates.

Thank you Littleham. DS1, his GF and her little boy turned up for an unexpected visit earlier which was lovely. He's only been left home for 3 weeks, so my nest emptied very quickly. Down to me, DH and DS2!

Missing my dd today. Facebooked her and then rang her. Shes ok but has been waiting for a fellow student to finish her part on a piece of work before dd can finish her part. Shewas getting worried about geeting it done on time.She has now got hold of her and has arranged to meet at the studio early on Mon .
She also said her next sample colours arent quite what she wanted but they still fit the brief.
sometimes I dont want to have contact as I tend to get worried for her
if things arent 100%
She is also having a few problems with a girl in her flat. I think she has a lot of personal issues which unfortunately she is taking out on her flat mates. Other girls also find her to be quite nasty to them at times. Have told dd to speak to student services if it goes on. From what dd says I expect student services will be aware of this girl.
part of me wants to go and tell her to backoff but obviously that cant happen

fridayfreedom when DS was having problems with the huge beefy year-older rugby player last year, I got all his male cousins to change their fb profiles (all DS's flatmates were fb friends) to big beefy men and then to ask how he was getting on and did he need anything, would he like them to come and visit and did he have any problems that needed sorting out? Their services were never required - nor had we ever intended that they should be - as DS did manage to sort things by himself in the end. However it gave him a real boost and maybe it did make the bully think twice, as his behaviour did become much better. Like you, I felt like storming in there but I was so impressed by how he managed to sort it all out for himself in the end.

I feel quite silly sometimes saying goodnight to two little green dots, but I am so thankful they are there. I know facebook can be dire at times, but for me it's been the thing that has kept me sane in a way no phonecall can. I can't text here, being in the sticks we have no mobile reception but our broadband isn't too bad. We could Skype but I don't really want to see the state of his room! So we just keep the messaging system busy most of the time.

Thanks for your reply. I just want things to be ok for her. I know it can never be 100% ok.
I had a really difficult time at Uni and I want it to be better for her. I do tend to worry but no doubt she tells me stuff then feels better for offloading whereas I'm left worrying.
Just wish she was better at asking for help, she's shit at it as she doesn't want to make a fuss. Guess I ask for help but probably wouldn't have done so at her age!

My DD has a girl similar and it wasn't until she was away for reading week and the others weren't, that they suddenly realised. A long group chat and it was clear there was a lot of things going on which were causing rifts with others. This girl had been very canny about it, throwing comments into general conversation with an innocence so it didn't appear to be stirring, but it led to people seeing others in the flat in a different way. At that point they didn't know each other well enough to know they would never have said that or acted in that way. The good thing for the flat now is that they know and they can take these things with a pinch of salt. The issues are not dangerous or anything, so they can deal with things that way but the comments had definitely put a completely unfair and bad light on some of the girls in their early weeks together.

My DD (also on a creative course) has also had a hard time with group work as she starts things immediately with the plan it is finished with a couple days to go to allow for serious hiccups (like no internet, broken equipment, revisions of work to improve, etc) whereas the others work right to deadline - literally starting the day before and working 24/7. She has found it very, very, difficult but after finding on the first group project that by not working their way, she had to do everything, she has had to adjust on group work to the last minute crisis approach. She has adapted to doing that but currently finds it very stressful and doesn't think its good training for the future.

Thanks for replying.
It's hard when you can't sort it for them but I know I have to sit back.
Dd knows others are also annoyed with this girl. She just accused dd of stealing her sieve! Told her to mark everything.
Think she is less nasty with the quieter members of the flat but dd has a very practical , fair outlook on life and expects others to do so to. She also hates people treating people rudely or badly and (just like her mother!) tends to step in. Am telling her to step away and let things go, ( then Ill go and give her a good slap when I visit next!) only joking!

That's the pits fridayfreedom. I hope it gets better soon. I'd be tempted to crown her with the sieve as well... She is probably completely miserable about something to be behaving like that to her flat mates.

I know she has some really sad stuff happen when she was little. Don't want to say too much as probably outed myself already!
But it's no reason to take it out on the girls who live with her .

It's actually a really good thing about University - meeting all manner of people from different backgrounds but the disadvantage will be having to live and work with some that have very different outlooks and values.

It's probably just the way she has been brought up, and has a tempestuous, suspicious nature, whereas your daughter is acting the way she has been brought up and with a much calmer character.

With some people you can never win. Maybe a house meeting to broach the general issue would help if it really gets silly and everyone feels annoyed. Or, if she is approachable in any way, a quiet word when she has calmed down "Why was your first reaction to blame me for taking your sieve - I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing?" Many people when approached fairly will respond and she might not even see it as a problem if she has always been like that.

So long as your DD is safe I'm sure she will find a way through it.

Thanks, I'm sure they will sort things out eventually. They break for Xmas in two weeks then have 4 weeks off so some time away should help.
Dd can be quite intolerant of rude , selfish people so am trying to get her to walk away more so she doesn't get scapegoated.

Will leave it now as I have probably said too much but thanks for the responses

The thing is, it may (or may not) be anything to do with the early experiences. It may just be the way she is. A talk may (or may not) help her realise that she needs to modify her reactions.

Stay around though - we are all looking forward to their Christmas return!

Thanks Kez. An dreading Jan as we have lots of lovely things planned together over the hols.

My Mum says January was the worst when I went away (not Uni, but I had to go away for one academic year to do a professional course). She said with the euphoria of the start having worn off and the cold, dark nights, and the work kicking in big time. It was the most difficult time for me (apparently...although I can't remember it!) and for her too. Once the evenings got lighter and everything was a happier place in spring, things got better once again.

I want her to enjoy her time there and not just work towards the next holiday.
In my head I'm counting the weeks but I don't tell her that

Counting the weeks - I'm guilty of that one too

I did too, last year. This year, not so much, for which I am truly grateful. Last year I was distraught, and I know I may have a tear when he leaves again in January, but after a day I know I shall be fine again. I was really worried that I was going to be a blubbering wreck for the rest of my life as the last of my babies left home. But masses of them end up having to come back home after uni, and although that wouldn't worry me, I know it would be bad for him. DD came home twice before she finally found a job far away and left for good. It's never easy at the time, but at least I know that I do get over it eventually.

DD1 is having a ball, met a nice sounding young man and enjoying her course and I am truly happy for her but I am still very up and down. On up days I've had a text or quick phone call - down days are when I don't get replies to texts and I know she is just too busy and having fun to bother about boring mum but I do find it terribly difficult. I hadn't realised how much we chatted and put the world to rights and I miss that :(

I miss that too, I do get the odd twinge and think, if DS were here we would have a laugh about that together, that sort of thing. Then I give myself a good shake and remember that I only have half as much shopping to do and no irate DBH because 'someone' has eaten his snacks. We have got used to having a raid-free fridge and if DS ever does have to come home, he will be having his own and ours will have a padlock!