EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

Minsmum, no real advice but DD changed course (though not uni) at the end of first year and it was definitely the right move for her. Looking back although she was clearly enjoying university life she said very little about her course. This year she is full of it.
She had to transfer from one faculty to another and essentially wrote a mini personal statement saying how much she wanted to study the new subject and why and that she realised now that this was what she wanted to do.
Is there any scope for her trying to find someone else to take on the place in her house?

DS has overspent massively! Warned him a couple of weeks ago that his rent was due for halls (his loan has to pay for it, we send him £50 every week for living expenses and he went with £800 savings).

He is £160 short on available cash (using his overdraft) and rent is due in 3 weeks - we really don't want to bail him out and want him to sort it out himself so he starts to understand that money doesn't grow on trees he has spent on stupid things, like buying a new ipod, eating out etc.

But - if we don't help out he will have to leave I feel so angry and disappointed with him

Seems to be quite common cricketballs. All that cash in one lump is quite a temptation. Hard for you to monitor it, as you are already paying living expenses in instalments.

The only solution I can think of is to set up a separate account which he pays his accommodation money into, so that it is ring fenced. Doesn't help for this term though.

Yes, my DD has two accounts. Not sure if it's working though...

I hardly hear from her. She says she is shattered. I miss her.

That's annoying Cricketballs. Is there any way you could lend him the £160 but make sure he knows he has to pay it back. Perhaps only send him £30 a week for a few weks. Yes I know it's not much to live on but it is doable. Last year we paid for DD3's halls and she paid for everything else out of her loan we didn't give her any extra money. She found she often spent les than £30 a week although some weeks she did spend more and definitely did in Fresher's week. This year although we have paid her for her accommodation she is going to give us some of the money. he is back in Halls and it's cheaper to pay for the whole year in one go. So obviously she couldn't afford to do that but we had the money put by. It also helps that if in the unlikely event ( she is quite careful with money now) she runs out of money her rent has ben paid.

DS is the opposite of Cricketboy . He is living so frugally because he is tight that he has hardly spent anything. I kind of expected this to happen, I really want him to make the most of his time and made sure he had enough money to do so.

We are going to see him tonight.
Can't wait.

Minsmum I hope she manages to sort something out. Can she not transfer to another course at her current uni?

Cricketballs I pay DDs rent and she's set herself a weekly budget of £30 this year so she can save for her year abroad but she went mad last year. Its a big jump to go from pocket money to suddenly having £1k in your bank account.

SS have a lovely night

mumeeee that's a brilliant suggestion in terms of borrowing him the money but reducing the amount we send him until it has been 'paid back'; as obviously we can't have him not meet his rent payment but I don't want him to think that he can just spend and spend without thinking about his obligations and that we will just bail him out.

The suggestion also of having a separate account is a good one, but not sure how this will help him learn that he has to ignore temptation of having that amount in the bank but not spend it as it is needed for later expenses but maybe this needs to be done in the short term so bills are paid

Thanks not so and Jellicle she has had a look at the courses on offer at her uni but doesn't want to do any of them. She is now very aware that the next choice she makes must be the right one and so wants to take time and research it properly. She goes back on Friday to sign a form to quit. On the plus side she starts a job tonight, so that will help with the money side. I wasn't ignoring everyone by the way but to say my internet connection is rubbish is being kind.

Same here - my daughter has been so frugal. I had to tell her she really does have enough money to buy proper meat and fruit and veg - that's why we are providing the support we are.

It is very annoying Cricketballs but far from unusual.

DD is home for the weekend which so far has been fun. She's back to see DF for his birthday so we went out for tea today. The other DC's were ecstatic to see her.

She has been living quite frugally. Her loan came in 2-3 days before her rent went out so she didn't touch it until rent was paid. She also worked out her rent based on a full year at Uni so theoretically she should have quite a bit of money during summer as she will have the rent (£85) + what she lives on per week (£50) In reality she knows she has that buffer coming in June so she has been buying a few things which were not strictly essential but she had the money. This week she has a bit less as she has paid me back £100 from the rent and bought Christmas presents which has put her weekly spending money down to about £40 per week.

To be fair she has put a lot of effort into making sure she has her budget worked out so she never goes into her overdraft but we will see what happens after Christmas.

I have heard quite a few gruesome finance stories from DS, ranging from loans not being applied for, parents spending loan, students spending loans and his flatmate gambling away his loan. DS seems quite sensible, even quite tight in some areas - then we will find that it is because he is saving up for something we wouldn't have thought as essential as he apparently does, such as a new phone when his was a really good one to start with.

I'm gradually withdrawing my financial support in some areas, I have been buying all his clothes and that has stopped. Christmasses and birthdays only from now on. He is well kitted out with absolutely everything, his only problem is going to be a change in fashion. But I've decided that I am not going to keep spending a fortune on his clothes if he is just going to think of it as a way to be able to afford more technology.

Food, too. I shall equip him with heavy items at the start of every term, to save him carrying so much in one go, but after that, he's on his own. There does come a point when you realise that your kids seem to have more disposable income than you do. I don't want him to be in a huge state of shock if he finds himself jobless in under two years' time.

murderedinkent love your Halloween name, I can understand students themselves spending all their loan but I don't understand how parents can spend it. I thought students had to have a student account or something similar for their loan to go into to and not use a parents account. I know all 3 of our DDs set up their own accounts with a little advice from us. Anyway we didn't have any access to their accounts or their bankcards although without their permission.
I haven't actually bought any clothes for DD3 for years except absolute essentials for years those used to come out of her allowence when she was at college. She now buys all her clothes including essentials out of her student loan. I do occasionally put money on her Sainsburys meal card for her to buy food. Although I haven't done that yet this year. We do pay her rent but this year she is going to pay us something towards it.

Loan and daughter's scholarship has to go into her named account. I cannot imagine the poor struggle those kids must be under if their parents nabbed it from them.

The mum of one of DDs friends is constantly pleading poverty when I have the misfortune to bump into her because she's not getting tax credits any more and guilt tripped her DD into giving her what was left of her summer term loan when she came home in May and then booked a holiday with her bf leaving DD with an empty fridge and no money

That's awful notsoskinny

That's the sort of thing I have been hearing about, plus one boy who had a savings account with all his savings and money from his grandparents etc., so that he wouldn't have to take out such a big loan, didn't do so and discovered too late that his father had lost his job, forged his signature and stolen the lot.

Have heard a similar story of someone who spent it on a caravan!

Had a half term 'family' day out today with two younger dc's. It felt really weird going to a familiar place without older dc's - like two limbs were missing. They are having a great time though (one at uni, one abroad).

Saw DS at the weekend as we went on a family trip. It was lovely to see him and very hard to say goodbye again.
DS2 is missing his DB and we still feel mealtimes are not quite right with only the three of us.

I didn't hear any tales of squandered funds but he did say many of his flatmates are burning the candle at both ends. They all look rough from being up half the night drinking and downing energy drinks all day to keep going .

Littleham I'm now redundant but what a difference a year makes, last year I went to visit DD in the half term break because her 6th form friends had cancelled their planned and much needed visit. It was wet and miserable, she was at her lowest ebb, sobbed all the way through lunch and I couldn't get her sad expression, as I got back on the train, out of my mind for days. Now she's in her element, her friends are lovely and although she still moans about her course one of the lecturers who moderated her coursework but doesn't teach her has suggested she enters herself for a language proficiency exam and will help her as much as she can.

For anyone whose first year DCs are still struggling just hang in there with them and hopefully they'll turn the corner like DD did. She's befriended a girl in her building because she says she looks just like she did last year. She's given her her phone no unheard of in the social media bubble they now live in and said if ever it gets too much she's not to sit on her own because she, and all of her friends, were in the same position and had freshers depression.

My daughter contacted me last night and, out of the blue, was really down. Her Grandparents are staying in town this weekend and taking her out and I am passing next weekend - I wonder if I should recommend picking her up and taking her somewhere for the weekend?

Kez I think it's easy for us at home to over analyse and worry. If they were at home one bad day would be shrugged off with a hug. At a distance you can't tell what's really going on, at least I can't. I always joke that I can read their minds but my mind reading skills only work face to face.
Hopefully she'll bounce back next time you speak. You did mention she was being a bit too careful with money, why not suggest she treats herself?

Thanks. Yes, I did mention a treat. Plus getting lunch in the cafe today as she has a full on day of lectures and not much "portable" food in. This is something she would have done naturally at home when I was paying! You are right of course, we all have ups and downs and they are probably just more marked to us when there is the distance involved.

I do think I only get contacted if there is a bit of a blip. A bad cold, the bullying last year, worry about forgotten clothes for a smart do, how to cook something. I don't seem to hear about the good things unless I ask.

DD3 rarely contacts us now and I"ve been known to go over a week without speaking to her, She has an assignment to hand in on Friday and although she is stuck on something she is not stressing about it which is a big improvement on last year.