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Original poster

EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

999 replies

mrsrhodgilbert · 28/11/2013 15:33

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

OP posts:
madeofkent · 12/10/2014 12:59

I'm not looking forward to that day, either. OH and I were astonished that he wanted to come with us this year, we hadn't planned anything exciting, just rented a cottage in the countryside central to my old friends and family. We thought he would be bored stiff, but he said he needed a rest and a bit of clean living!

I've just phoned him, his father rather wistfully mentioned that he wondered if DS had any plans to come home for HIS birthday.... So the poor boy will be making the homeward trek with his washing yet once more!

alreadytaken · 13/10/2014 15:23

we managed to get away with ours this year, was surprised they would still come but they did go off with their friends first. Next year I'm not sure there will be any time left for us.

Although they are planning to come home this Christmas as they are a medic we will have to face Christmases without them before too long Sad.

macca21 · 13/10/2014 18:38

Thought I would give a quick update.
We've had a fraught few days in which DD decided to leave University. It was a difficult decision for her and as she said herself she has never done anything so out of character before - normally she would persevere. However, these aren't normal circumstances and once she was home on Friday she said it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her so she is happy she has made the right decision.

It hasn't put her off though - she is going to reapply closer to home for next year (and is intending to go into halls again) and hopefully find some part time work to keep her occupied over the next year.

Its still not going to be easy but I think we will be able to help each other - we just need to be together for now I think and it was just too soon for her to go away. She says she is still glad she tried otherwise she would have always wondered.

Thank you all for the support and I hope everyone else's DC's settle down and enjoy their experiences x

sayerville · 13/10/2014 19:11

Just want your opinions here.DD got back from her weekend at home to find the plate that they all wrote their names on has been defaced, her name rubbed out and theirs underlined, how bitchy she has no idea why and feels really left out....

sayerville · 13/10/2014 19:51

They are also excluding her from thing they are doing, I really feel for her, they are being really bitchy...

skylark2 · 13/10/2014 20:03

Your poor DD, that's really mean. Maybe they did it while blind drunk and not thinking straight? Doesn't really explain why they're excluding her now, though :(

DD's flat has one person in it who's quieter and tends not to come out with them. They just keep asking so she can say yes if and when she wants.

macca, I'm sorry it didn't work out for your DD. It does sound as if it was just too soon. I hope she finds something which works better for her for next year.

Littleham · 13/10/2014 20:15

Good luck macca to you and your daughter. My dd1 is at a university closer to home and it is really nice. Hope it all works out well for next year.

That's awful sayerville - how immature. If it becomes unbearable tell your dd to go on the accommodation transfer list. My dd1 has just got a new flat mate who moved into their flat because she didn't like the noise in her previous place. So it is not too late to move.

lalsy · 13/10/2014 23:48

Macca, your dd sounds very mature, and I am sure you can help each other just by being together peacefully for a time. Good wishes to both of you.

Sayerville, how vile.

madeofkent · 14/10/2014 15:06

As DS found, all it takes is one flatmate with a mean streak and the weaker ones all follow on behind, scared that they could be the next outcast. He's really happy where he is, so far.

Macca, as skylark says there is always next year, when she will have had a bit more time to find out what she wants to do.

Original poster
mrsrhodgilbert · 14/10/2014 15:16

Macca, I'm sorry it didn't work out this time for your daughter. I think she has been very wise and brave to make the decision to leave and try again next year. I hope you will both be feeling stronger by then. My daughter didn't make the decision to leave last year and soldiered on. It affected her health and emotional well being quite badly. The relief when we decided she should commute this year was incredible. The two of you have had a horrendous time, I hope the stress levels have now come down a bit, best wishes to you both.

OP posts:
Debs75 · 14/10/2014 20:29

Macca I actually feel quite relieved that your DD has decided to come home. I feel you both need each other and need that support and 1 year will not make a huge difference to her future career but will make a huge difference to her mental health. I wish you both the best [hugs]

Saw my nephew yesterday and he said he was worried about DD. He thinks her diet, or lack of it, is a major concern. I do agree DD doesn't eat healthily and has a really narrow range of tastes. What can I do though?
It was hard enough to keep a track on it when she lived with me but now she is away

sayerville · 15/10/2014 09:53

I think she has decided she is going to stick with this and not let their childish behaviour bother her. She loves the flat location and her room and doesn't want to move, I suppose if it gets unbearable she will consider, why do girls have to be so bitchy?

secretsquirrels · 15/10/2014 13:14

Macca I think your DD has made a sensible decision. A year seems a long time at 18 but it really isn't in a lifetime. Take care of each other.

sayerville Hard to believe they haven't outgrown this sort of behaviour by now isn't it?

Kez100 · 15/10/2014 13:33

Macca - indeed, a year is a blink of an eye really and for you to be together now is an important thing. I am sure you will both cherish the year as well.

Sayer - that's awful. Good on her not letting them get the better of her - that takes some strength of character!

mumeeee · 15/10/2014 20:28

Debs75 you might find your DD actually becomes less fussy now she has to buy and cook food for themselves. I know DD2 and 3 did although DD3 doesn't always eat healthily:-)
Macca21 I think your DD has done the right thing. I'm sure it will be better next year.
Sayerville that is awfull. Is your DD able to ask them why they are doing this. I woud tell her just to write her name back on rhe plate.

Notsoskinnyminny · 16/10/2014 18:45

Macca you must feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I hope everything works out for both of you in the future as as the others have said the year will fly by.

sayerville that's horrible. DD was bullied by her flatmates last year but decided to stick it out. As well as being angry because she was so upset I couldn't understand how 'intelligent' people who are supposedly there to learn its not like they've got to go could treat anyone like that.

Debs DD has a very limited diet but I could make sure she ate at least one decent meal a day when she was at home. She was over 7 stone when she came home in the summer, after a year of eating bags of sweets because she was bored/miserable, but her face looked miles better for a bit of weight but she was disgusted she'd let herself get 'fat' her word Sad. She came home last weekend ecstatic because she's back to 6 stone. I tried to explain she's not 16 any more and women are supposed to have curves but I know if I make too much of an issue of it she'll aim for an even lower weight.

madeofkent · 19/10/2014 18:24

DS has just been back home again, for his DF's b'day this time. It seems to work really well, despite all the faff of picking him up and taking him back - with his washing as Friday is his turn to do his washing and get it dry so he misses his slot. He's just left and I do feel rather low, but I think it's what we all need at the beginning of the year, to break him - and us - in gently. He was in bed by 9.30 and only woke up 12 hrs later each night, so obviously needed a rest! He loves it though, and I am so very relieved - and so very sorry for those whose DCs are not happy. I know how bad the worry is when they are not - DS's bully from last year is still in their old flat. DS met up with the two girls who were also in it, they were very relieved to get away from him. I just think, I wonder if his parents encourage him to be so horrible, or aren't they aware?

Littleham · 19/10/2014 19:51

My two eldest were missing each other, so we all met up for tea and cake today. Really enjoyed it.

You can't reason with bullying behaviour & usually the person doing it is really insecure / miserable. Have they tried asking why he does it?

secretsquirrels · 20/10/2014 11:24

DH has taken to putting a teddy in the missing place at the dinner table. DS2 is missing him and so am I.

We are going to see him next weekend Smile. Meeting up and going on a short holiday.

madeofkent · 20/10/2014 14:52

liitleham - he is a huge boy - I suspect while they were all living with him they were too scared to ask. DS is 6' and still growing, but this boy/man (now 20) makes him look like a weedy midget. The two girls were scarcely more than 5' and the boy who left early (because he spent all his student loan on online gambling!!!!) was a meek sort of around 5'92 and he was replaced by an equally meek Chinese boy. So Alex The Thug reigned supreme. Still it's all in the past now and DS has lovely new flatmates - although he says the boys have an alarming propensity to dress in drag at the slightest opportunity so when he goes out with them he often pretends he isn't with them!

Littleham · 20/10/2014 14:58

What an awful start for him! So glad it is better this year.

minsmum · 21/10/2014 17:48

Well I haven't been on for quite a while and what a change. DD has decided that the philosophy course is not for her and is adamant that she is going to leave UEA. We have just had a long phone call with her she is researching other courses at different universities and is quite excited at applying for anthropology. I have pointed out to her that she needs to pay the rent for where she is now for the rest of her contract. She will also need to work and save as she will only get funding for a further 2 years and so would need to find the rest of the money.
Has anyone got any ideas about how she would be viewed by another university after dropping out in her second year and how she can make sure she is choosing the right course this time. I am really struggling to know what to say to her , what advice to give.

mumeeee · 21/10/2014 21:30

That must have been a bit of a shock minsmum. I haven't got any advice except to say I"m sure your DD will get on to the course
she wants to do but she"ll have
to be able to explain why she wants to start again,
DD3 has now completely settled in to her 2nd year and doesn't seem to be missing us. I phoned her a couple of hours ago but she was too busy to speak to me as they were having a Birthday party for one of her flatemates,

madeofkent · 22/10/2014 14:29

When you go on to uni websites and have a rummage around, they will usually say if they have spaces left on a course. I suggest she rings her preferred place and ask how funding would work, if she were to start again with them. They usually have extremely helpful admissions staff - bums on seats after all.

But what a shock for you. DS was all set to go to UEA until they shut down the music department. Silly people, it was one of their best departments, ranked 5th in the country.

minsmum · 22/10/2014 14:39

She has been phoning admissions today all they have done is given her email addresses for tutors. I think she is going to look for a job for the rest of the year and apply through ucas again next year. She is assuming that the fees have gone to UEA this year and she will have to fund one year of the new course herself. She is contracted for her house this year and will need to pay the rent for that. So the sooner she finds a job the better really. She had big plans for her holiday next summer but they will have to stop.