EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

I haven't read this thread for a few days but it does sound as though lots of DCs are still finding it so hard. I think they grow up safely in their own community and then it's too much all at once to go away/look after themselves/shop & cook/make friends, on top of the actual work.

My DD does mostly seem to be fine and is in touch regularly which is nice. She's found a group of friends who aren't into clubbing or drinking which she's pleased about. This evening's social whirl seems to be getting together to share out bulk buys of food and then go to the laundry room together. On a Saturday night!!

I do still miss her a lot, although she's talking of coming home before too long "And Mum, is it okay if I bring some washing?"

I'm just about to put the second load of DS's in, I should just get it dry before he has to go back. He says the problem isn't washing, it's getting it dry in a houseful of five people, and his own drier rack has swiftly been appropriated for everyone's use so they have a day each for washing and drying during the week, to coincide with their free days. As DS's is Friday, and he came home on that day, of course he missed his washing and drying slot and it would have been hanging around all weekend getting in the way in the kitchen.

They have a large entrance hall, completely bare but last year the two original flatmates dried drying clothes in it and they went mouldy over the winter! The landlord is (quite sensibly really) ignoring their pleas for a tumble-drier. I suspect their rent would go up significantly if they had one.

Do they have no outside drying space?

DD is fine in almost all areas but is struggling with the Uni group she is in. One is moody (she thinks might be homesickness), one is ill with Freshers Flu (most of them have had it but this one seems to be suffering even more) and of the three remaining, two were completely disinterested at the important time last week. They were given a six day project to be in tomorrow and two went home for the weekend last Thursday! She is struggling with the fact they just haven't done their best and while she understands this is a small part in a whole degree, it has not been a happy start to the course. She went there so positive and it already questioning everything.

Oh dear, not doing the coursework doesn't sound good. I do feel for her, why did they bother going? Half a dozen on DS's course dropped out during the first few weeks. One poked his head in two weeks after the term started. When he gave his name, everyone cheered, upon which he turned round and was never seen again!

They have a small yard kez, but no rotary line and nothing to which they could attach a clothes line. When they ask for things, if there is no reply they know it won't happen. Last year they asked for a tumbledryer and a clothesline and a pack of pegs arrived. But short of drilling a strong hook into the house wall and erecting a pole into the concrete patio somehow, it isn't feasible.

Actually what I came on to do was to be miserable. He's just gone back and I was surprised, completely taken unawares, by feeling more miserable than I did when he first went back two weeks ago. We've had a brilliant weekend, maybe that was it.

We can be miserable together madeofkent! Although we are visiting next week or the week after (just waiting to be told which is best).

Apparently, after tomorrow the work becomes individual. She says she still feels bad about it though as she was so up for group work and she put a lot of work in last week. They have done it but they haven't done their best - the disinterested two from last week have just texted her to say they have done it together on their own over the weekend! She is having a night off and trying to retain her cool!

My DD graduated in July, she is now working in London (living about 45 minutes from us). She popped home this weekend and it is really strange, while I miss her and love her visiting, I no longer feel quite so sad. I see her as a grown up confident girl doing so well. I wish I had been able to see her that way when she went off to uni - I was distraught!!

All I can say is DD began uni (Bristol) hating it. She was in a lovely corridor but still felt lonely as she was used to a close group of school friends. She took a good term to settle and another term before she stopped getting homesick. She is such a 'home girl' and really had to push herself to get over the homesickness. She was very overwhelmed when she started, there is so much to take in and nothing can prepare you for it. She liked going out and was fairly confident but Uni really knocked her at first. It took her time but she got there...By Christmas she had a house for second year planned, a firm group of friends and said she was actually a tiny bit sad to be coming home.

We found friends often had 'flops' a few weeks in even if they appeared to settle initially...And others just loved it straight off and never looked back.
They all deal with it differently but for those who have DDs a bit wobbly my advice would be to encourage them to get out of halls all day every day whether they go to the library, to explore town, text people to meet for coffees, anything - but don't let them sit around all day. The busier they are, the easier it is.
DD didn't join anything at first, I think she wasn't sure what to join and just felt so lost and desperate to find those close friends that joining something felt too hard. In hindsight she wished she joined a sports team or something from early on and got stuck in. It provides another set of friends, keeps you busy and you can always give it up if you hate it later on.
In terms of visiting home, my DD needed to know when she was coming back/I was visiting. All through uni she always came home once or twice a term and I visited once. This meant we saw each other roughly every third weekend. For my DD, this got her through and meant she had breaks where she could escape the bubble and recharge. For those whose DDs are homesick I would recommend booking in the dates so that they can break it into manageable chunks. Don't go too soon or let them come back too soon as it will just make them homesick all over again. At first I think visiting them is better than them coming home as they can show you their new city.

I hope no one's DC is struggling too much but don't worry if they are - they will get there. I know how hard it is knowing that they aren't happy.

I think DS missed us hugely too, actually. I got some very squeezy hugs, and he stayed in our company rather than retreating to his room. It's lovely to feel appreciated, but you are quietly aware that the reason for their appreciation is because they are finding being elsewhere so tiring.

DD is definitely still in that settling in stage and somedays she is all bright and cheerful yet others she looks rough and is down in the dumps. She does have a lot of health problems which need sorting out so high on her list was to get a drs and try and start the process. I'm not sure if she has started that as she is very closed about the serious stuff when we chat.

Home in a couple of weeks and she has already organised when I will be going to pick her up in December for Christmas. One of her flatmates is staying in halls over Christmas as he is Japanese so the commute isn't feasible. DD feels really sorry for him but I am sure they will be a few other international students who stay.

Found this helpful -

www.wikihow.com/Recover-From-Empty-Nest-Syndrome

Some good ideas on there Littleham, particularly those on the planning and preparation.
DH is retired and I work only occasionally, DS2 still at home but even so we have a lot of time on our hands.
We were discussing this today. It seems we both feel better than we expected about DS1 going.
My feeling is that there are two reasons,
Firstly I have dreaded it for 18 years so long that it could hardly be as bad as I feared.
Secondly, and most importantly he is coping better than I ever dared hope and seems happy. This is making it so much easier for DH and me.

I agree, happiness really helps. Those parents struggling have children who are struggling - and I reckon we would be exactly the same in their shoes.

I had a wobbly moment when my daughter had one issue but she resolved it and we were even more proud of her for doing so - because she coped better than we would have ever imagined she would (so she was ready to fly the nest). I'm sure her ability to cope, though, was partly aided by the fact she is so happy both with her flatmates and the course itself.

Yes Kez, the fact that he is coping is a sign that he was ready but I am so well aware that he has also been lucky in the nature of his accommodation and the flatmates he has. It could so easily have gone the other way and I would really be struggling if I thought he was unhappy. I don't take any of this for granted and my heart goes out to those for whom it's not been an easy start.
I do miss him though and am pathetically looking forward to a promised Skype.

It is a bag of mixed feeling isn't it?

Best things - Much less washing
The relief that she made it to university

Worst things - Miss her witty dry sense of humour
Not being able to check that she is ok each evening

Exactly those for me too - plus my shopping bill has literally been halved. OH was wondering if we could get him home again for OH's birthday, part of me thought, how lovely if he would, the other half thought - I quite fancied being able to save up a bit for xmas!

the savings in food is staggering isn't it?

I have managed to get used to cooking for 3 instead of four. Actually he is a pleasure to cook for as he loves home cooking and is always appreciative. I do miss that "thanks for a lovely meal mum" at the end of every meal.
Cereal is lasting well but the most noticeable thing is the petrol. My car hasn't needed filling up in 12 days.

I'm saving a fortune in Mr Muscle drain clear as the shower no longer needs declogging of her long hair

She phoned me the other day as they'd had a talk from a uni for her year abroad and the accommodation is £110 a month, I told her to ask if she could transfer there now for the rest of her degree. Fingers crossed she's right because I was expecting it to be a lot more although the savings will be needed to cover her excess baggage fees god only knows how she'll live out of 2 suitcases for a year

Wow. That's a huge saving.

The aussie students travel light and buy over here. Then leave it almost all behind when they go back, including towels. One girl said to me, put everything out, then halve it. She said she packed enough underwear for three days and bought the rest when she arrived.

I haven't really noticed the savings yet. DD didn't eat a huge amount of meals with us, she preferred to eat processed crap and cherry coke. I have noticed cereal and milk lasting longer which is a plus. DP pointed out that I am saving money as she no longer has pocket money or the top ups that I would give her each week. I don't have to ferry her friends home 2-3 times a week so I am saving petrol money as well.

DD is going to China in year 3 so hoping that her accomodation will be that cheap.

I have certainly noticed the reduction in food bills even though I am still unsure on preparation for just 3 of us especially potatoes also it is very evident who was responsible for the disaster area the bathroom used to be, despite protesting previously it wasn't me

made unfortunately DD doesn't travel lightly, all outfits are carefully planned and accessorised. She'd be horrified at the thought of wearing the same jeans and trainers and buying cheap t-shirts like her friend did on her gap year Lecturers ask if she's a fashion student who's got lost when they see her wandering around the language buildings

Debs tell her to look out for summer school jobs in China teaching English, DD's friend went and had a great time, it included flights and accommodation but she didn't get paid, it was arranged through the language dept I think. DD got a scholarship to Japan for a month but didn't go because the flights, when they told her she'd been nominated, were going to be over £1200 normally we book in January and go for £500 and she'd want to visit her friends in Tokyo on the way back which would've cost another £1k - she buys all her clothes there and they're not cheap and they would've wanted to go to disney and the summer concerts and ...... but it would've done her good to go somewhere other than Tokyo. I've got everything crossed she gets sent to Nagoya or Yamaguchi next year

Feeling a bit strange we are of on holiday in about an hour. Flying to Iceland early tomorrow and staying near Bristol Airport tonight. Anyway although DD3 is now in her second year at uni this is the first main holiday and flight we have been on without her. She loves coming on holiday with us and it seemed a bit sad when we were speaking to her last night.