EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

DS uses the private groups, occasionally posts something he finds interesting but mainly he uses the facebook skyping service thing with his friends. He hasn't encouraged me to use it so I'm not pushing, he's very good at putting up with me and I don't want to spoil it!

When DS felt miserable last year I made him promise to get outside and get some air, to do some shopping, get exercise, to explore the lovely city he is in, I gave him little tasks such as buying grandma a birthday card. Anything to stop him moping. It seemed to work. I made him try different supermarkets to see which were cheapest. Found places he could visit that were free, and events and fairs that were on with freebies. In the end he would pop into an art gallery all by himself without thinking twice about it.

Parent101 I am an only child empty nester. It's all been a bit different to how I was expecting somehow. In the lead up to DD going, I felt quite emotional and weepy - but now she's gone and she seems really happy so far, home just feels a bit empty and boring. She's been keeping in touch a lot, by text and phone calls, so that helps a lot. But we also had a crisis in the week before she left - the gp referred her to a psychiatrist - all quite alarming - and so feel a bit anxious for her even though she seems quite steady at the moment.

I also think that i have more time available now - am the only driver (DH doesn't drive) so used to do a lot of chauffering around - also we had good chats in the car.......

I have made it known that I'm v pleased if she wants me to come up in a week or two, or fine if she wants to come back down. But she hasn't mentioned that at all - whilst I'm desperate to see her, I also don't want to cramp her style - so I think I won't mention it again. I don't want to become a 'duty' - what do you think?

debjud I too am an only child empty nester. My DD is now in her second year (although starting again as a first year at the same uni with a different course - a whole other story!), but sounds very like yours. She loves being in a city instead of living in a village a mile from the bus stop and 20 miles from the nearest sizeable place. She came home once in the first term, and then only because she wanted to get some things, not to see us.

My own mother was great when I was at that age at just letting me do my own thing, though now I can see how hard it must have been and how totally self-centred I was. I am trying to be equally laid back and just glad to see DD whenever. We do try to visit her at least once a term. Would that be an option for you? We do our own thing during the day, but she is always willing to meet up for a meal in the evening.

You are lucky your DD texts and phones. I tend to message her on Facebook and she Skypes from time to time. It is not that we have a bad relationship, just that she is genuinely enjoying her new life and Mum and Dad lead (to her) boring lives.

Maybe a very low key mention along the lines of "are you still thinking about coming home one weekend? It would be lovely to see you but I know you will have lots of other things to do"

Mine's an only too. We're getting texts although long gaps between when she's out on an evening. Dh visited yesterday, dd happy as she got lunch bought! I'm visiting Monday. We're lucky as its an hour away but also a city we visit due to work so we can drop in without it being a "special" visit. Dh is out tonight so it really will be just me on my ownsome.

Mine's a good 3 hour trip away, so couldn't just drop in.

When I went to college my parents were a complete nightmare - before the days of mobiles and technology of course - was supposed to phone once a week - and if i was a day over would get moaned at and complained to - which made me not want to phone again etc etc. (40 years on hasn't changed really, but have better perspective now!)

So really want her going to uni to be not about me.

So - it's only week 2 right now - and first week of her course. Will wait and see what happens and meanwhile start to think of how to best use surprisingly more time (more than i was expecting)

Yup - the first few times they come home, you think 'hurray! I'm a proper Mummy again!'. Then by the end of a very, very long summer, during which even though they clear off on holiday a few times, you are still left with all the washing, messy room and extra shopping/rubbish/dirtier bathroom etc, you suddenly think, actually - I am rather looking forward to them going back and what a shame term doesn't start until the end of September...

Sadly even that doesn't stop you missing them deeply from time to time though. I've stop gazing at the bedroom door, or avoiding gazing at it, but I find weekday evenings when Oh is working late and I am eating on my own quite hard, we always used to eat the things that OH doesn't like, it's not the same eating them by myself.

Hi everyone, may I join you? My DS is off tomorrow. Feels as though it's been a long long time coming and now suddenly the day is nearly here. Have been following this thread with interest, especially all the bits about texts, fb etc. Really hoping he will stay in touch and let us know how he's getting on over the next few weeks.

Hello! It's the most peculiar feeling, I really envy the ones who just seem to sail through it.

They mostly seem to contact you when they want something. DS has kindly condescended to go out with us tomorrow night for a meal (MY birthday, not his and I feel quite a sad person for feeling that seeing him on my birthday is a treat) but I know that by the time we part company, his night will probably only just be starting. However I think the fact that he forgot to pack his smart suit, shirts and ties may have had something to do with his eagerness to see us!

It seems we all want to avoid seeming needy or turning into a duty. How sad that this could happen overnight.

It certainly makes me rethink how my mother must have felt - actually, I thought she couldn't care less at the time.

My surprise birthday present has just turned up - complete with washing! I guess that means we won't be spending the day in Cambridge after all - at least I shan't have to get up at sparrow's fart. I was incredibly happy to see him - and he even seemed incredibly happy to see me! I asked how he could bear to tear himself away from his social life, and he said that 'everyone is going home this weekend'.

My DS has been there 2 weeks and apart from lectures, spends the whole time in his room. He doesn't want to join anything, and hasn't made any friends, so he never goes out.
He skypes us every day, and I know he relies on speaking to us and seeing us. He is finding it hard and I try to be encouraging and jolly, but I feel really sad thinking of him sitting in his room all the time while others go out and socialise. If I tell him to go and join things, he gets upset. I don't know what to do to help him.

DD called today to say she has booked tickets to come home in 3 weeks for the weekend It is her Dad's birthday that week which is the pretense and it also slots neatly between going and Christmas.
I can't wait to see her and the little DD's are soo excited already. Hopefully be then I will have attempted her bedroom again and given it a good clean through

Lotsofplans, that sounds so awful for your son (and you). Is there nothing at all he wants to try in terms of activities? Is he in a flat or a hall? Does his course have any group work where at least he will have to interact with other students on his course?
Sorry for all the questions.

Lotsofplans - I think it is much harder for quieter teenagers. His best bet is to start with people on his course (because there is a good excuse to talk to them & at least he can talk about his subject if he gets stuck). Hope it gets better.

All very quiet from my dd1 so I really hope she is happy. She did suggest meeting up this weekend, but I encouraged her to spend the weekend with new friends. Do you think that was the right thing to do?

JellicleCat He is in a hall. He did want to join things before he went but now I think it's too much effort. He has tutorials but I don't think he talks to any other students.

Littleham He is very quiet and it's so hard for him to talk to people. He wanted to come home but we said to wait. I think you did the right thing suggesting your DD spend the weekend there with new friends.

Littleham definitely did the right thing saying to spend the weekend there with friends. My niece came home from Uni the first weekend to go to Pontins with her mum - can't see that it did her street cred much good !

Things here are ok . DD1 loves Uni, her flat mates has joined CU, salsa society , French and German socs and trying out ballroom dancing !! I think it is safe to say she is embracing everything life has to offer :) I am slowly getting less distraught especially as she is flying home for a couple of days around her birthday in a few weeks time :) Had a lovely long chat yesterday and heard about everything and that was just what I needed ! Just hope it's not too long before the next one!

Oops should be a comma after flat mates ! Just read it back and realised it didn't make sense !

The lovely long chats make all the difference don't they? Littleham, think so too, it is a bit soon.

Lotsofplans, I think he needs to join something. My dd only joined a couple of things in freshers but has now added more, but did need some help finding their websites and details - I think because she was nervous about it all. She found the societies' facebook groups reassuring because they were full of other people posting saying oooh I missed you can I join now etc. People have been welcoming and even though she hasn't done much yet she has enjoyed the chance to chat about her hobbies.

sorry, stopped too soon, she is away this weekend with a group and really importantly I think can see how her evenings and weekends could get happily filled up - that it is all organised and there for her and seems less remote somehow.

Sorry -think I confused you. She meant did we want to come to see her at university. Anyway, I said 'we were a bit busy....perhaps another weekend.....it would be lovely to see her soon'. Have been feeling horribly guilty ever since.

However she just texted to say that she has got in contact with friends and is going to an exhibition with them & then onto the swimming pool.

I'm relieved, as I was worried about the weekends more than the weekdays (when they have their course / routine). She has organised all this, so I'm wondering whether there are lots of people sitting in their bedrooms just waiting for someone to take the initiative! Thanks for your advice - it was the right thing to do!

I really sympathise LotsofPlans - just keep up the gentle suggestions (join societies, get on facebook, talk to people) and hope he follows one of them. They are such a worry sometimes.

madeofkent I was wondering what the second years (last years lot from this thread) were doing about freshers and if they were repeating the experience.

For anyone whose child is struggling now, encourage them to go back a couple of days early after Christmas. This may seem odd but when there are fewer people around those who are there go looking for company beyond their normal flat.

LotsofPlans sorry to hear your DS is struggling. It's so hard to help from a distance. This empty nest thing is bad enough without worrying about them as well. Joining clubs is not easy for the shy reserved DC. I would find it hard myself.
I wonder whether he might be more inclined to try and join a society based on his subject ? At least there he would have something he knows he has in common with the others.
DS is doing maths and there are several Maths based societies he wants to try. (As if he wasn't doing enough maths all day).

It is a bit overwhelming for them to have all this freedom. My dd1 was a bit bemused & asked where would be a good place to go, so I noticed that Bristol had produced this list....

bristolfashionista.com/2014/05/07/bristol-bucket-list/

I reckon that you could draw your own list up if the university doesn't already have one. Also you could add practical things, such as where banks / supermarkets / cinemas / swimming pools are located... opening times.....links for tourist information / local events. Basically anything that is going to get them out exploring.

LotsofPlans sorry to hear about your DS, its heartbreaking when you feel powerless to do anything for them and are urging them on to make that first move but, knowing how much they fear rejection over the lonliness, means they won't. Hopefully when lectures properly start he'll make some friends. for you because I know how frustrating it can be when you feel like your having the same conversation over and over again.

He sounds very similar to mine who changed his mind about going into halls at the last minute as he finds it hard to make friends. He's also very old-headed and intolerant of others I can say that because I'm his mum. I don't feel he got the full uni experience, his degree had very little contact time and he'd come home straight after lectures. He did join a couple of societies but with a friend from primary school who was also commuting and they would only go if the other was and get the 9.30 train home in case the last one didn't run. I thought he'd gone the full 3 years without making any new friends so it was a shock at his graduation to have people including some very pretty girls come over to chat to him and he socialises with them now

When DD struggled last year we were both glad he'd made that decision but when she finally settled in and would tell us about her antics you could tell he was jealous. He's even more jealous as her flatmates this year have got her into the obscure board games he plays.

DD says she could cope with not having any friends, it was being stuck in a depressing boxroom, in a city she still doesn't particularly like, and the crass behaviour of her flatmates that upset her most. Before she made friends she started downloading series onto her iPad and she'd go to the gym she's not sporty at all and plug it into a running machine to pass a couple of hours away.

Littleham, Secret and Notsoskinny, thank you for the sympathy and suggestions. I know he needs to join things, but he is refusing, and I don't want to nag. I just hope that in his own time he will decide to do something outside of lectures. Surely he'll get so bored that eventually he'll go out of his comfort zone to meet people.

Notsoskinny He sounds very much like your DS! It's so hard if they're not at all outgoing.