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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

999 replies

mrsrhodgilbert · 28/11/2013 15:33

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 30/09/2014 00:24

Are there many international students she can hang out with Macca? My son has made friends with some of them and found them keen to socialise but less keen to drink and go clubbing than Brits. He's joined loads of societies and clubs too.
Is your daughter texting other people and asking them to meet up and asking what they are doing? it sounds as though you expect her to receive texts and messages without sending any. She will have to actively look for people who aren't into clubbing and they can be harder to identify than the party animals because they aren't at all the parties. Chatting to people during lectures and at the clubs she is interested in will be better.

amigababy · 30/09/2014 07:54

dd's bf has just started too and is a non clubber. He waited till all the clubbers had set out at 11pm or whatever, then went round knocking on flat doors in his block to see if everyone left wanted to join up for board or card games or chat and coffee in the lounge. Still up late but more relaxed and chatting.

traceyinrosso70 · 30/09/2014 08:11

Has a teary phone call on Sunday evening - not because she's unhappy but because she's worn herself out throwing herself into everything and going to every event and now exhausted !! Still just feeling bereft and adrift - people think I am mad as have 2 others at home but I want to share her excitement and hear all about the things she's tried but she's just too busy to always reply to my texts- which I know is good for her but doesn't feel good here !! Am going to steal myself not to text today unless she texts me.

onadifferentplanet · 30/09/2014 08:54

Second the idea of the international students, bit different here as no empty nest as Ds is at our local Uni. Ds was disappointed when he went to the locals day as only 3 others turned up and he was hoping to find some like minded students who are not into drinking/clubbing. He is quite little and I think maybe that makes him seem approachable and a rather lost looking international student came and asked if she could sit with him at their first lecture and 2 others have now joined their little group. He has also found some friends since joining a couple of societies and has a few invites to social events which are more his cup of tea.

Nonotthatagain · 30/09/2014 17:50

Hi can I join here as DS went off on Sunday and I am finding it harder than I thought.
He's had a year out and has been away travelling (with GF) and then away with friends, he's also worked away but short bits and with people he knows. I guess it's the thought of him being 'alone' plus when he skyped yesterday he looked tired!
I didn't expect to being as anxious and guess it will settle down when he makes friends, joins clubs and is too busy to come home.

But I'm now dreading next year when DD1 will also be going!
Daft really as have DDs2 & 3 here for a couple more years.

merlincat · 30/09/2014 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleham · 30/09/2014 20:39

It has been lovely to hear about everyone's experiences with their dc's starting university. Hope they are settling in well & staying in contact. Smile

Macca - I've also been thinking about your dd. I do hope it is going better now that lectures have started. My dd (who is quiet in nature) has found that she is gathering friends from lectures and societies more than from the hall (where it is either party time or people lock themselves away). It just takes time to find people, so I really hope the same thing happens to your dd.

DD1 now has two places she has made friends. The people on her language courses sound really friendly & they go round in a group. She has also gone to a string group - where it is easy to make friends to the people sitting alongside her.

lalsy · 01/10/2014 08:21

I agree, Littleham. My dd has started, slowly, to make friends through her course and activities. She's not a great clubber and, for her, it is not a good way to get to know people. Macca, she says everyone seems to be being very slow at asking each other to things via text - even the confident-seeming ones she shares a flat with. I hope your dd is feeling a little better this week.

madeofkent · 01/10/2014 10:15

The text thing is interesting, because although we always think of teens as texting, quite often they are typing onto other sites. So when DS went back he expected all his friends from last year to be online but they weren't. I said, text them - and he didn't have all their phone nos. They all have facebook at uni for every single course and module and also for every activity. Every flat he knows of has one too. The phone numbers, he tells me, don't happen for a while until you get to know people better. As he says, you can take yourself out of a facebook group, you can't force someone to delete your mobile no.

lalsy · 01/10/2014 13:03

madeofkent, that makes perfect sense, thank you.

Parent101 · 01/10/2014 21:23

Amigababy: I like your DDs BFs action in keeping true to himself. He is a keeper :-). I wonder how my DD is doing in this regard as she was not a clubbing type. Only been a week inour case so who knows, no complaints yet...

Debs75 · 01/10/2014 21:27

Spoke to DD today and she is having her first wobble.
I think because she is having to do a foundation year she is doing some modules that she wouldn't normally have wanted to do. She said her motivation isn't up there although she knows she has to work hard to get through to the degree proper. She has also had a dose of 'Freshers flu' which is making her feel really low.
On the plus side she went horse riding with the Uni equestrian group and loved it so hoping that will lift her mood

She is home for a weekend in a month, so can't wait to see her

Parent101 · 01/10/2014 21:30

Any only child empty nesters here? We are finding it much harder than what we both assumed it woukd be like. However, Google has been very useful..
We have both started an evening classes but the first weekend without Our DD and the place settings at dinner was tough. I wonder how long it will be before I stop glancing down the landing towards her bedroom door as I go past on way to work and once I get back.

macca21 · 02/10/2014 00:06

Hi - we are still no further on really and she is trying but not getting any positive responses. She isn't expecting her flatmates to be her best friends but its not too much to ask them to include her in things - she went into the kitchen today where there were 5 people in there - she said hello and only got one response. She has suggested to a couple of people on her course that they go for a coffee but got told they were busy. She knows that this was probably genuine and they might meet up another day but her confidence is already shattered so she is struggling not to take it personally. She has spoken to both welfare and her personal tutor and they have told her that lots of people feel like this so she needs to give it a few more weeks. Trouble is she is losing heart quickly and feels there is no incentive to stay.

I'm focusing on getting her through one day at a time for now to see if she can make it to a month!

Littleham · 02/10/2014 08:21

Hi macca21. So sorry to hear that she is struggling. Could either of you speak to the welfare department and tutor & ask if she could be paired up with someone else in the same situation? If there are lots of people feeling the same, then it means the university can do something about it!

Once she has one friend to go round with in the department things won't seem so bad. The flat mates thing is trickier - just hold on for the transfer list.

Look after yourself as well.

traceyinrosso70 · 02/10/2014 08:23

Dashed home from something last night as was going to have a quick chat with DD1 , sent her a text to check she was in and got curt reply that she was back but had reading to do ! Absolutely gutted ! She had rung me earlier in day but I was at work so had agreed we would chat later . Am really struggling with not hearing about her days - it's not checking up on her it's just wanting to feel I am still part of her life. DH thinks I should be glad she is happy and busy and I really am - especially after hearing about some of the other DCs who are struggling but for 19 years I have been so involved and now it just feels like I have been cast aside .

ValenciaOrange · 02/10/2014 08:32

Hi Tracey,
You haven't been cast aside ..she is just caught up in all the excitement of a new place and new people. You are her mum and you always will be. When all the business of freshers etc calms down I'm sure she will be glad to know you are there for her. My daughter started a week ago and always seems to be meeting someone / or going somewhere. I know its hard but I think your husband is right, it would be so much harder if she was sad and lonely but had plenty of time to chat. You are adjusting too, except your life has become quieter ...hers much busier. My daughter says she has never been this busy in her life before.

lalsy · 02/10/2014 08:48

Macca, her flatmates sound very unfriendly and what are they - 14?My dd doesn't feel her flatmates are quite her bag, but they are all chatting and doing some things together, she says it is nice. Has your dd any small or slightly obscure hobbies? My dd does, and she has found that a good way to make friends, first at school and now at university. I agree with Littleham, if she just had one person to turn up to events with, that would help.

Littleham · 02/10/2014 08:52

traceyinrosso70. So sorry that the change is hitting you this hard. Don't forget that in all likelihood she will back to live in your house in four years. I know someone who now has all three children, plus all their partners & a new born baby now living in her home. Quite a squash!

The best way to view it is that they are on a long adventurous field trip!

traceyinrosso70 · 02/10/2014 09:32

Thanks everyone - tears streaming here at minute - need to pull myself together but nice to know there are people who take the trouble to respond - thank you !

mumeeee · 02/10/2014 10:06

Tracey I was like you last year when DD3 went to university. She is our youngest and has Dyspraxia and other learning difficultiis. Because of this I had had a lot of in put in helping her find strategies to cope with life and becoming independent. Suddenly she didn't need me to do this and although I was happy she settled into uni life quickly and was taking on board all that we had taught her I just wanted her to be around to chat to and ask my advice,
However it did get better and although I miss her again now she's gone back for her second year it's nothing like last year.
DH and I did make a point of trying to do more together and we now have a date night once a week.

madeofkent · 02/10/2014 10:58

Grin It must be the universal week of rejection - I have just been politely dismissed from fb messaging, I think I was asking too many questions about his social life! last year I would have felt gutted, this year it's more a case of finding it funny whilst still being a bit miffed.

Yes, last year I felt as if I had been made redundant.

And although he's not strictly an 'only', the next one up is ten years older than him, so he has been an only for the past seven years. She left when she was 22. I think he will be around for longer, purely from a financial point of view, although I could be wrong of course.

We are going over to see him this weekend. It's my birthday, and I want him at my birthday meal. I am really, really hoping that at some point I will have a birthday when I don't want him there, if that makes sense. I have had several Mother's Days without him being around and it's felt all wrong, but I need to manage to get rid of that need for him to be there otherwise I shall become one of those sad old mean bullying mothers who demand that all her offspring turn up on her birthday and Mother's Day no matter what problems they have in their lives.

secretsquirrels · 02/10/2014 14:04

Reading on hear about how much some DC are struggling is so sad.

As far as I can tell (and it's only been 6 days) DS is coping socially far better than I ever hoped. I agree with others that not hearing all about their day is hard.
One Skype keeps me topped up for a couple of days Smile. He is in a flat of 8 and they all seem to be gelling quite well. His course is intensive and he has a very full timetable of lectures so doesn't have much free time. The cooking lessons I did over the summer seem to have paid off. The laundry is another matter...

lalsy · 02/10/2014 17:28

Aww, Tracey, I am sure it will get easier [wobble]. I hope you can plan some nice things for yourself.

Notsoskinnyminny · 02/10/2014 19:19

Macca that's what I did with my DD last year but some of those days felt bloody long. It was heartbreaking when she'd apologise for being on the phone so long because she hadn't spoken to a soul all day, she didn't have any lectures from Tuesday lunchtime until late Friday morning and to make matters worse she was bullied by her flatmates. One night she was so upset I'd have driven up there if I hadn't had a drink and flattened them. I hope things start to get better quickly for both of you.

Made I don't use facebook but made an account to stalk DD last year (my DCs think anyone who has their parents as friends are odd) but she's got a new username and a new twitter account so I can only see the snippets she posts on her old accounts and she's taken the link to her blog off so I can't even keep up with that.