EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

Clubber not clubbed. !

amiga my ds is an only child too will think of you but it will be fine in a few weeks :)

Think it is us Mums that feel 'clubbed' after this whole process. Hope you & your dc's are getting on better fairywoods, goaliemum & Kathleen55. Good luck for the big drop off Needmoresleep (you will get so much washing!!) Also good luck to amigababy - arrange some treats for yourself too.

Macca21 - really hope it settles down, but if not a gap year helped my nephew in a similar situation. He is back as a Fresher this year & very happy.

My dd1 went to Fresher's Fair today & joined two language societies, a writing society and will investigate orchestra tomorrow. Hopefully that should keep her busy & she looks happy. My only worry is that people seem to keep themselves to themselves in the hall at the moment, so I'm wondering if she will get lonely at the weekend. The week days are fine.

Hi, may I join you lot? DD left last Saturday and I was dreading it for the whole year before, I have been awful in the run up and last Saturday I sobbed the whole journey back, Sunday too, the worst is seeing her empty room and feeling bereft as she's my only child. I have kept occupied and taken each day at a time, have a crisis going on with my Mum too so that's kind of taken over. I think it's not knowing where she is, what time she's back in, who she's with that is disturbing me.
I have spoke with her tonight (been texting this week had little chats) and now I feel sorry for her, she had been crying as I don't think she feels like she's not fitting in with the others. Sometimes I think she tries too hard, feels like the others are all getting along better with each other than she is so she pretended to be tired and not go out. The whole freshers thing has been a big let down for her, bless her she tried to mix and go to pre meets and there were just student reps no one else had hardly made the effort. I am hoping she makes friends on her course as her flatmates might not be long terms friends though it's early yet. Some people have also been rude to her and it's knocking her otherwise confident self. I just wanted to hug her tonight and couldn't be there for her. I am not liking my 'new life' just want to rewind and have the whole 18 years again, feeling sad and down tonight :(

Welcome to sayerville and amigobaby. As your propably my youngest started uni last year and I really missed her much more than I thought I would and DH and I were on our own for the first time in 26 years. She was ok in Freshers week as the courses all started that week and they only had weekend and evening events. Her flatemates used to all meet up in the kitchen to socialise before going out. She did get q bit homesick after a couple of weeks partly because some of her flatemates were going home at the weekends. So we did go up and visit after about a month. She got over the homesickness and got on with all her flatemates which was good. She joined a couple of clubs and a local church which gave her more friends
Anyway she is now in the 2nd year and hardly answers texts. She is back in halls but with different people but she is still friends with those from last year.
Sometimes it takes a bit more time for DCs to settle down but most get there and if they do end up having to come home they haven't failed they were just not quite ready for this big step.
Macca21 how are you and your DD doing.

Yes, any improvement yet?

Someone asked me when DS went back during the week. It was weird, it was only last Saturday yet I felt as if it was weeks ago. I do miss him, but not as intensely as I did last year, so I do now know that things get better each year. Plus of course it is such a relief to see him coping so well in the outside world. I had no contact with him at all yesterday, I have no idea what he was up to and for probably the first time I felt that it was a good thing, that obviously he is so busy and enjoying himself that he didn't need to keep checking facebook for messages from his old friends or me.

getting settled in right now. It really is lovely here. Its exciting
Did any of you go to university? dh and I didn't, which I think is why it seems daunting. All we have is our imagination, nothing to compare with our own experiences.

Everything done now, setting off in a minute eeeek!

Things getting a bit better here. We've had lots of texts and a couple of phone calls which help, plus I had a long and detailed email about various aspects of her course (I work in a similar field so she was filling me in) which was lovely.

She's not really seen much of her flatmates but has made friends with a couple girls in nearby flats and they have spent a lot of time together apparently. She said that lots of people don't like clubbing and lots of them don't drink and that it's not a problem at all. She's also mentioned coming home for a visit in a couple of weeks which will be fantastic

There are so many of us mums really missing our DC. I think it will get easier but no doubt we'll all still have low moments, especially if we don't think they are happy at uni.

Is anyone else finding cooking for one less a bit difficult? After years of cooking for four it's strange and not always easy to cook for three? Do you make a bit less of something, or do you make the usual amount and someone has the leftovers another time?

Not finding the cooking for one less a problem, but we both keep laying a place for dd1 at the table (we seem to work on some sort of auto pilot).

macca how did your visit go? You and your DDs seem to be in such a terrible situation, very difficult for all of you. Do you have anyone in real life who truly understands and can support you?

If it really is all too much for your DD, is there a university within commuting distance of home that she might consider? She mustn't feel she has failed if she does decide to come home, although hopefully the university could offer lots of support - do you know how aware they are of her situation?

Do students have a named member of staff who they can go to or who checks on them? Where DD is, it's very large and impersonal and I don't think there's much input from the staff although the course tutors seem lovely. When I was at uni many decades ago, we had a Dean living in the accomodation with his family. He didn't interfere but was always there for any problems, as was his long-suffering wife. They were almost like surrogate parents, or the house parents you'd get at boarding school. Perhaps students don't generally want that level of support nowadays though.

Littleham I'm going to put the spare placemat away for now!

I found that the only way to go was to completely change our meals, which is brilliant because I can now diet. DBH is under strict instructions to have a large lunch so that he has salads and cold meat when he gets home. As I'm not cooking there is no temptation for me. He cooks on Saturdays if we are in, I cook on Sundays. Because the fridge is no longer full of cheese and cold meats and no ice cream in the freezer, and no spag bol or lasagne or pizza around, I have lost weight every semester and put a bit back on every holiday time. No leftovers, no nibbling or 'finishing up so as not to waste it'.

madeofkent that sounds like a good plan!

That's good madeofkent. Unfortunately doesn't really work for us as DH has to take packed lunches hasn't got access to canteen at work. We are trying to have a more healthy diet though.

Well he's gone.
DS was very nervous yesterday morning but relaxed as the day went on. Door propping difficult because there are two doors, one to a little hall which has 3 doors off it, one bathroom and two bedrooms. His room is in a corridor of 4 pairs with a bathroom between them and a kitchen at the end.
DS is not very practical or good with IT so we were only half way home before he rang with a "how do I?".....
Anyway all quiet after that until a text at 2am saying he had been to a freshers night.
So far so good for him.
I was brave , until after wine o'clock when I had a few tears.

You did better than me last year, then. I was so bad after about 10 mins of driving that DBH went off the road and took me to Anglesey Abbey for lunch, where I sobbed into my soup and roll much to the dismay of several onlookers! He walked me around the gardens until I had calmed down, I don't think he wanted to take me home at all!

This year, the first two days were the worst, no proper crying but lots of wet eyes when I least expected it. I'm fine now. In fact I am cursing him for all the crap in his den. His floor is covered with multiple rugs, the idea being to use them a bit like carpet tiles so that they can be removed for cleaning. I think he has just been turning them over. It's really hot here today, 25C so they are all getting scrubbed and washed.

Been to see ds as he'd forgotten something! Was so looking forward to seeing him. Good to know he's made lots of new friends and is really enjoying himself. He seems abs fine, which helps a lot but will take me longer to adjust to this empty nest. He says 1 phone call a week is enough! Proud we have raised such a confident young man however 2 phone calls please.

It's so, so quiet at home this evening. I stuck both of mine on the train this afternoon, and although I ought to be used to it (they were both away last year too), after a summer of having them here, bumbling around noisily and clearing the fridge/larder within hours of it being restocked, I feel bereft all over again .

I guess I'll get used to it, but meantime for all those feeling the same.

An iMessage chat with DS
He's happy , been to American football and now playing Xbox with one of his friends from last year
Doesn't know what to take for his pack up lunch tomorrow as he doesn't like bread
Is this the same DS who ate ciabatta for lunch every day for months at home ?
But apparently ciabatta isn't bread ...

Couldn't quite manage to make a Sunday roast though

Well I've been up this weekend to see her and she wasn't great to be honest- she'd perked up a bit by the time I was leaving today. I have to say she spent all of yesterday evening with me and didn't get one text to ask where she was and then today no one asked her either - its no wonder she's feeling down - because she isn't interested in going clubbing they aren't interested in her.

She has said that she wants to come home but feels like she hasn't given it enough time.... she is going to see how this week goes but I'm not optimistic.

She has her first personal tutor meeting on Wednesday (some were last week and I have to say that I feel she should have had hers then as the department are aware of her personal circumstances and she should have been given priority in my eyes - they know that she might need additional support but yes a big impersonal university so I shouldn't be surprised).
really!)

She is having a look at alternative courses at universities closer to home as she may now have to compromise. The course she is on is only offered at limited universities - none of which are commutable.

I do have friends and family to support me - none that have had DC struggle to settle in at university though.

Its heartening to see that some students don't care whether others drink/go clubbing - its just a shame that my DD hasn't come across any yet!!

I selfishly want her to come home, take a gap year and reapply for next year but the decision has be hers .

We'll see what this week has in store....

DS ran home for a few hours today (to collect cricket stuff ready for trails today) and it was lovely just to hear him wittering on! Hes home again in 3 weeks for a presentation evening but he went back with a clear warning to at least let me know he's alive at least once a week

I so wanted to phone today, but just left a message to say good luck for first day back at school tomorrow! I feel quite proud of myself. The good thing about training him up to use facebook is that at least I can see when he's read my message, even if he doesn't bother to reply.

Glad your DD is starting to settle in merlincat. I haven't even spoken to DD3 since last Sunday. I tried to phone her last night but got no answer. I usually phone once a week now. She did finally answer a message I left on Facebook to say sorry I've been out. As she is now in the second year I think she will answer even less then last year. Glad she''s settled back into uni though and keeping up with friends.
It's good I don't need to worry about her as DD2 needs my support at the moment. She lives away from home and has settled where she went to uni. She was fine but a few months ago was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. She is coping but needs me to keep in contact with her and I have also been to stay with her.

macca that sounds so unfair of the others My DD doesn't like clubbing or drinking (she can't drink for medical reasons anyway) but says that it hasn't been a problem. There's a girl in her flat who is very quiet and I suggested my DD knocked to check she was ok but apparently she had a couple of friends round so DD thinks she's fine. Last night's "social occasion" was a communal clean of the kitchen so it was all nice and tidy ready for Monday morning, bless them!

They really all ought to be old enough to look out for each other and think about how some people might not be so confident.

Certainly the university should have made her a priority and called her in for a chat with her personal tutor before now. They should be better at pastoral care, not just think that as they are all 18 or more they are capable and coping adults.

Hopefully your DD will make a few friends in her tutor groups and maybe it will all get a bit better. Sensible to look for alternatives, too, though.

Look after yourself macca, you're going through a really tough time.

Macca, I am so sorry about what you and your dd have been through. I am not surprised she is finding it hard, poor thing. (It is not at all the same thing, but I cared for my father when he was terminally ill when I was 24 and afterwards I did feel much older than many of my peers - that didn't help me get my life going again). I agree with you about the personal tutor meeting and I really hope they can put some support in place for her, if she decides to stay.

My dd is settling in fine I think, but isn't finding it easy to get to the point where she goes to things with someone, or arranges stuff. She doesn't like some of the clubbing stuff either and I am encouraging her to join things where she may find people who share her interests.