EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

You aren't being a nuisance traceyinrosso - just a normal reaction, especially as you are so close. Kids just live in the moment sometimes. It is probably really busy and exciting this week. Treat yourself

Skype is great, DD called yesterday, and it was really nice to see her and talk to her even though it's only been a few days. She's already signed up for some things, and has a match against another Hall today, and is singing in the Cathedral choir on Sunday. DD2 goes next year, but DS will still have a few years yet.. I also find it comforting to see Facebook updates and tweets. My Mum said that when my brother went back in the day, that if she rang he was always in the bar, so she barely got to speak to him all term - so I am grateful it is no longer like that.

Traceyinrosso and tracey48 - really good to know I am not alone with these feelings was beginning to think it is abnormal! I didn't get a reply to message yesterday but no news is good news. Sure ds would let us know if any problems, meanwhile try to negotiate the abyss.

Yes noddyholder! Punched in the stomach.... Look forward to feeling better and more normal

You will, I promise you. It doesn't get better straight away, but once you realise that they will be back and forth it gets better. Last year I almost felt that he had died, and it was so hard to not stalk him. I would be looking at all his new friends on facebook and searching for photos of him. It's a wonder he didn't block me! I had to explain myself to him, though, because he did ask why. I said that as I had had to look after every aspect of his life for over 18 years, it was very hard to get out of the habit and realise that all my excellent training had worked so well that now he was an independent adult. It satisfied him thankfully.

I also got a message from my daughter, saying Mother please can you stop liking everything R does on fb, it won't make him look very cool! I thought I was being SO restrained - because I wasn't commenting!

madeofkent

I know that I'm worrying too early, but....... Does anyone know what happens with regard to getting houses in the second year? Do the flat groups tend to stick together? I'm worrying slightly that this will happen & the older ones in my dd's flat obviously won't be there.

Does that mean she will be stuffed next year? Or do new groups form, with friends from subjects and societies who will go on to shares houses?

*Littleham Think you are wise to be thinking about this, actually, as it has been an issue for my DDs (at Bristol and Leeds). It seems that they have to start looking early in their second term, so just after Christmas, to find the most appealing of the flats available to rent (ie the ones nearest campus/lowest rent/best selection of rooms and room sizes). Certainly DD1 got into quite a state about starting to look early (and the need to get into a group to find a flat to share was one of the things that led DD2 to the decision to quit first time around, as she'd been ill and missed out on getting into a group or so she thought).

One obvious issue is that they barely know each other at the time they have to decided whether to be in a flat for the whole of the next year.......certainly some people do feel they've ended up with flatmates who they might not have chosen if they'd known them for a bit longer.

It's quite common for big groups who originally met in halls/flats to the go off and look for a flat together, so from that point of view i agree your DD might want to start cultivating friendships with some other freshers in nearby flats, or with people on the course.

For girls in particular I think this can all be tricky, as often landlords rent a house to a group, eg 4, 6, 7, 8 people, so there is a lot of angst over which set of 'best friends' will go together to make up the 6 people required. That can sometimes mean that there's someone left out - although there are always other groups who need to add a person in to make up their numbers! DD2, who wasn't well, got into a real upset over how 11 people from 2 flats on her floor were going to be in a houseshare together; she subsequently found out that the whole arrangement splintered and everyone ended up looking inn 2s and 3s.

So I would suggest gently asking your DD to think a bit about this - especially as you will find there are some quite large sums needed for deposits upfront, inflexible rental periods, financial penalties for pulling out of contracts; and sometimes parental guarantees required.

HTH and is not too frightening -- DD1 liked her second year houseshare a lot and LOVED her third year share, so it can be done!

Thanks ancientandmodern, I had a feeling it was going to be the next problem! I'll warn her that it might be an issue. Her new friendships seem to be forming in the department, so if she is lucky one of those girls will be in the same boat. It is all such a worry isn't it? I hope she isn't the one left out.

It has been really useful hearing about your experience of Bristol (especially about looking in January). Next year it will be even worse with private housing, as they have a greater number of students.

Housing - well, we took the opposite approach. The thing is, it depends on the dates of your current rental, and when it runs out. DS for example - his didn't start until late September, as he didn't need it until this time last year. So if you book early the landlords want a deposit and mostly that starts from when you book. So if you book from June (as DS and his friends tried to) you will discover that you will be out of pocket for over 3 months. We now understand why so many people were desperate for DS to share with them last year, to make up the numbers they needed to pay the rent - people were backing out because they had no deposit saved up, and that can be 2 months.

So in the end, DS decided to only lose one month's rent and paid up a month ago. It was something that really hadn't occurred to us, we were lucky that he had some savings. He was told that he would get the full deposit from his last place back, but it hasn't happened yet and you can really see how much worry it causes. Add to that his student loan not going in until two days ago...

So unless you have pots of money or your DCs earn a small fortune, timing is crucial. You can start to look, and if you are very lucky you can book a flat that won't charge you until you need it, but those are in the minority. That needs checking first. It would be worth phoning around the agents first before viewing and getting your hopes up.

Hi, thanks Littleham for the invite to post over here. Have read a bit of this thread and know how you feel, but just hoping it will get better. Took my DD last weekend, she's my eldest and a really chatty, lovely girl. She's having a great time already and has sent the odd text. I guess what's tough (for me) is the realisation that her new life and new friends are now far more important and we have to let go. I'm so happy for her, but miss her so much. I realise I must move on and do some new and interesting things with my life or I will wallow. So, I've signed up to a course and am getting some things done around the house. Trying to focus on how great it is that she's really enjoying uni, it must be dreadful if they are unhappy or homesick.

I too have sent a couple of texts that haven't been answered, so have decided not to text and wait and see. I don't want to hound her, but it is hard when we used to chat so much! It's hard to accept and it's only just sinking in that part of parenting is letting them go.

My top tip is plenty of little treats and meeting up with friends .

littlejo - just wanted to send sympathy. I lost a brother when I was a teenager and have found that this loss also transferred itself to my feelings about my children. I have always held them tight and found it harder to let them go and it must be much worse for you. Hope it gets better. I have just been helping my DS with his UCAS form for next year so I've been reading this thread in order to be able to cope when it comes round in 2015!

Hi, can I join in too? Took DS to uni on Sunday, I knew I would miss him but it is so much harder than I imagined. Go from feeling just about alright to crying when I see his stuff and sometimes I feel like I can't cope at all. It feels like my stomach is constantly in knots, and I am crying now as I write this. Have two more dc at home so not an empty nest, and I didn't actually spend that much time with him when he was here, but we always chatted and he is great at hugs. Have skyped him but when I see him I end up tearful, which I obviously don't want him to see. Does this ever get better?

Debs75 I hope your DD isn't in the same halls as mine as she's pissed off with freshers setting off the alarms as they didn't have any last year. There was a real fire in the flat below hers last night and the firemen have attended that many false alarms in the last 2 wks they strolled in, 20 mins later it was pandemonium, 3 more fire engines, ambulances, the lot, and she was outside for nearly 3 hrs in her jimjams - not the phone call you want to receive at 12.30.

Her kitchen was really smoky but she said her room next to the kitchen wasn't too bad. It made me realise I need to sort out insurance for her belongings as I reckon she's got over £10k of IT equipment, clothes and books she's got expensive tastes in clothes and accessories in that tiny room I did smile when she spoke about not being able to replace some things, I thought she meant her Viviennes Westwood etc but she meant the cuddly toys she's slept with since she was 6 - ahhh

Hopefully no more fire alarms Notsoskinnyminny I'm sure DD would have phoned me for an actual fire. I keep nagging for DD to send me the product details so I can insure her stuff but no reply. DD is on the ground floor so I think that is a relief should a fire start, mostly it has just been smoke not fire.

Am I right then in thinking they can stay at halls at UCLAN for years 2-3-4? I never I gained I would have to help her look/pay for new digs after Christmas

Most of them are private so they can. DD had a terrible time settling in and didn't get on with her flatmates and there was a lot of bullying. When she decided to stick it out at Christmas she also decided she'd rather take another chance on halls than stay with her flatmates. The 2 girls only asked her to share when someone else dropped out of the house they're now renting bitches. Then in January a girl on her course, and in the same halls, asked what her plans were and if she'd like to move into their flat this year.

Some of the private rentals are in grim parts of the town so I'm glad she's stayed in halls with all the security in place.

For anyone with DCs struggling, I took DDs final/forgotten bits last weekend and her new flatmates are lovely she only knew the girl so it really is the luck of the draw. Her last flat was party central whereas this bunch are into card games and wii nights. DD and 2 others aren't timetabled on Thursdays so they've agreed to have a study day even though they're on completely different courses.

DS is happy and busy , and I miss hime when he doesn't pop hiis head round the door to say he's hungry !
I do miss him though , but not in an aching ways , I'm glad his awful mess of shoes , laptop , earphones , tissues aren't there , and I can sit on my favourite sofa without him huffing and puffing out of my way .
He does iMessage for a chat , which is good
Re next year , hopefully he can stay in halls ( there's a massive complex where he is , and lots stay there for the 3 years )
I described it to my SIL , ... Own ensuite bedroom , shared kitchen diner , access to student union bar , launderette , gym , canteen
She said .. Blimey , is it Butlins !

Skype , message but don't nag or stalk ... That's the way to go

Ps mrsrhod
keep getting better !
I'm doing a Macmillan coffee morning tomorrow
Onward and upward

Yes...me too! Ds actually asked me why was I liking everything on his fb??? Empty nest really not funny - feels like grief, which I suppose it is - loss of something we've had for 18 years. Ds rang yesterday, spoke to dad; I missed his call, however shred of comfort- he's having a great time! Hole in stomach still there...

Induction for parents this afternoon. Weird as DS only starts on Sunday. I suspect it is mainly a tour for overseas parents bringing their children to UK for the first time. Plus, I assume, a chance to ask for money.

Even weirder for us as University is about the same distance as our three nearest state secondaries. Pity Universities don't have catchments. It would have made the process much easier! So no shopping or packing. He will live in Hall for his first year as it seemed important he got away. I really don't know whether he will keep popping back with washing, to pick up things and to raid the fridge, or whether we won't see him till Christmas.

We will miss him. Dd claims to enjoy being an only child but I am not so sure.

Getting slightly better here with a few texts and phone calls. She's skyed her sister but I was out at the time.

She can't find some favourite leggings she thought she'd packed but I can't find them either. Will have another hunt later and probably send a parcel tomorrow. It's nice to still feel needed.

For everyone with their first full weekend without their DC, I hope it goes well. Surely it will get easier....

Not getting any easier for me or DD. It has been a very traumatic week for us both. I am now starting to think that it has been too much too soon and she really wasn't ready. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I am going to visit tomorrow as she needs support - hopefully I can convince her to give it another couple of weeks and persuade her to visit the university welfare department and maybe look at changing accommodation. If none of that work then I guess she will be coming home....

My son nearly left in the 2nd term it is a big adjustment. Really it has to be taken as an opportunity to do things with your own life again and I have a very busy life and still struggled I thought it would always be like this but when we dropped him this year he said No bloody tears this year then? And we laughed! It will be fine it is a halfway house to full on leaving home. I do know a lot of people who struggled with their relationship too I was lucky that I didn't have that. My advice fwiw is try and rekindle a bit of time as a couple and feel proud that you raised such a clever independent person

I spent two whole terms telling DD to stick it out for a year at least - I used to dread the tearful calls directed her to student support office - encouraged her to join societies- this year she couldn't wait to go back. It just takes some longer to settle.

macca for you and your DD. I know some people will say leave it longer but I went to see DD after 2 wks and then whenever she asked and when it was all getting too much she'd get the train home, sometimes just for a few hours to see her dog. She's not a huggy person so it was heartbreaking when she'd cling on to me or say I was the first person she'd spoken to in days.

DD didn't want to speak to anyone at student welfare but I spoke to the manager in her halls they were taking ages to fix her shower and said how miserable she was so the next time DD went to collect a parcel she called her into her office and had a good chat. She offered to move her to another flat but DD was worried she'd look like a saddo who couldn't get on with people and there was a chance the next lot could be as bad. This year her halls have set up a buddy system and I wish they'd had it for her.

Hello, can I join in as dd goes tomorrow and as she's an only child it'll be an empty nest. Logically I feel ok but I am vv quiet this evening. Which is me when big stuff is happening.
She is very chilled and can't wait. She's not a drinker/ clubbed but seems to have a comprehensive plan of non drinking fun to follow. Pizza making, grub ( not pub) crawl , quiz nights etc.
After taking her we have a really busy day and evening planned. Probably a good thing. Sunday morning I am on my own. Bet I really notice it then.